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#ActualBluefirehawk

Posted 19 January 2013 - 10:09 AM

Crap, my response was sent to internet nirvana... here it is again:

This isn't really a criticism, it's more an observation: your draft reads similar to a holliwood blockbuster with a nice happy ending plus room for a second part. It isn't a bad thing, quite the contrary, it works very well if you want a casual game, a game you play when you come home from work and just want to "shut down" for an hour or so.

But you seem to want a game with emphasis on storytelling, if so you need a story that is engaging to the player. That makes the player explore some concept, feeling or question. You need a topic for your narrative and your game.
You have bits and pieces of one lying around in your story. A theme about the duality of technology, that it serves both as the saviour and doom of humanity. You also introduced time travelling, you could use it and enforce your topic by introducing unforseen consequences to the travel to the past. Otherwise it seems a bit out of place to me.

My real criticism is about your last sentence. How you tell the story is as important as the story itself. The later iterations of Call of Duty had nothing interesting to tell, but they tell it interestingly. You possibly already know this, just that you put a lot of thought in that too.

You have an obvious hero that sometimes goes throught some phases of "the hero's journey", maybe this video can help you designing your story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKKRbw-e4U

In a nutshell, what kind of game do you want to have? How good your story is may also depend on what you have in mind.

#2Bluefirehawk

Posted 19 January 2013 - 10:08 AM

Crap, my response was sent to internet nirvana... here it is again:

This isn't really a criticism, it's more an observation: your draft reads similar to a holliwood blockbuster with a nice happy ending plus room for a second part. It isn't a bad thing, quite the contrary, it works very well if you want a casual game, a game you play when you come home from work and just want to "shut down" for an hour or so.

But you seem to want a game with emphasis on storytelling, if so you need a story that is engaging to the player. That makes the player explore some concept, feeling or question. You need a topic for your narrative and your game.
You have bits and pieces of one lying around in your story. A theme about the duality of technology, that it serves both as the saviour and doom of humanity. You also introduced time travelling, you could use it and enforce your topic by introducing unforseen consequences to the travel to the past. Otherwise it seems a bit out of place to me.

My real criticism is about your last sentence. How you tell the story is as important as the story itself. The later iterations of Call of Duty had nothing interesting to tell, but they tell it interestingly. You possibly already know this, just that you put a lot of thought in that too.

You have an obvious hero that sometimes goes throught some phases of "the hero's journey", maybe this video can help you designing your story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKKRbw-e4U

In a nutshell, what kind of game do you want to have? How good your story is may also depend on what you have in mind.

#1Bluefirehawk

Posted 19 January 2013 - 10:07 AM

Crap, my response was sent to internet nirvana... here it is again:

 

This isn't really a criticism, your draft reads similar to a holliwood blockbuster with a nice happy ending plus room for a second part. It isn't a bad thing, quite the contrary, it works very well if you want a casual game, a game you play when you come home from work and just want to "shut down" for an hour or so.

 

But you seem to want a game with emphasis on storytelling, if so you need a story that is engaging to the player. That makes the player explore some concept, feeling or question. You need a topic for your narrative and your game.

You have bits and pieces of one lying around in your story. A theme about the duality of technology, that it serves both as the saviour and doom of humanity. You also introduced time travelling, you could use it and enforce your topic by introducing unforseen consequences to the travel to the past. Otherwise it seems a bit out of place to me.

 

My real criticism is about your last sentence. How you tell the story is as important as the story itself. The later iterations of Call of Duty had nothing interesting to tell, but they tell it interestingly. You possibly already know this, just that you put a lot of thought in that too.

 

You have an obvious hero that sometimes goes throught some phases of "the hero's journey", maybe this video can help you designing your story:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKKRbw-e4U

 

In a nutshell, what kind of game do you want to have? How good your story is may also depend on what you have in mind.


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