So I have been working on the story and the characters, and here is what I created. In game you assume a role of Michael Porter a criminal who has been betrayed. I wrote the story, (its synapsis) so here goes:
"Owning 150,000 dollars, to the Mafia, Michael Porter made a plan to rob a payroll van. With the help of his girlfriend Sarah Johnson, and his friend Shane Brooks, he managed to rob the payroll van smoothly. There was almost 250,000 dollars, which was more than enough. When Michael finished packing his share of the money, Shane said that he would never payoff that debt. Then he pointed his gun at Michael and explained that if he kills him he would do Mafia a favor, and also would make a name for himself. Michael tries to pull his gun out, but Brooks shoots him twice, and leaves him to die.
After spending six months recovering, Michael gets a gun from his stash and starts looking for Brooks. Sarah tells him that she was tracking Brooks for three months, before he went silent. Now he is nowhere to be found, like he just disappeared. The last she saw him was in the “Archer Hotel”. Michael goes there, only to be ambushed by the mafia that knew his was coming. After the shootout, he finds letters addressed to Brooks with his new address. He heads there when he receives a phone call from Brooks, who tells him that he has Sarah with him and that he is waiting in Michael’s apartment. Michael storms the place kills three goons and finds Brooks pointing his gun at tied up Sarah. Michael enters the room, but Brooks shoots Sarah, and escapes through the fire escape. Michael tries to save her, but she is already fatally shot. He goes through the fire escape and starts chasing Brooks. He eventually corners
Brooks, asks him about the job, and he finds out that he didn’t had choice, and that the mafia ordered him to kill them both. Michael learns where the mafia key people are, and then he massacres Brooks. He first heads for the bosses right hand man Johnson, who he finds in the mafia owned bar. After a shootout and chase he finds out from Johnson, that the boss is the man named Marvin and that he will get to him. Michael shoots him in the leg and picks up his car keys. As he leaves the bar he is captured and taken to the “Archer Hotel”. There he manages to get free and learns that the Marvin is in the top suite. Michael manages to get to the top suite where he confronts Marvin and shoots him. He takes the money from the safe, and in that moment the police arrives and arrests him."
I need you to tell me what you think about this, and give me some feedback. Please be as honest as you can, so I can learn on my mistakes. And also this is my third, or forth draft, just so you know that it's not final.
Thanks in advance,