Jump to content

  • Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

#ActualL. Spiro

Posted 21 September 2013 - 10:33 AM

A few grammatical errors, but as far as writing goes it is fine.

 

But it’s not for a game.  In a game, the first section would have ended with the player successfully climbing out of the well and then discovering a whole new world of possibilities, yours for the picking.

 

Reading as a person who expected this to pan out as a game’s storyline, I said to myself, “What the-  Why did I fall back into the well, and just because of water?  I can swim you know…  I’ve already been in the well, so why am I back in it?  I want to explore something else.”

 

Part of writing means catering to the expectations of your target audience.  As long as that audience is gamers, you need to keep changing the pace, threats, and scenery faster than you can imagine.  Reading it as a gamer, falling back into the well was where I lost all interest (and even though I read the rest of it anyway I was never proved wrong).  I am not interested in whoever is standing above the well because at the pace the story is going it would be torment to discover, and even if I discover who it is I am still just in the well.  I get the feeling that I am supposed to endure chapter-after-chapter-after-chapter of just discovering the back-story and the environment around me all while my environment never changes from “inside a well” to anything else.

 

This is definitely not a game story.

 

 

L. Spiro


#2L. Spiro

Posted 21 September 2013 - 10:28 AM

A few grammatical errors, but as far as writing goes it is fine.

 

But it’s not for a game.  In a game, the first section would have ended with the player successfully climbing out of the well and then discovering a whole new world of possibilities, yours for the picking.

 

Reading as a person who expected this to pan out as a game’s storyline, I said to myself, “What the-  Why did I fall back into the well, and just because of water?  I can swim you know…  I’ve already been in the well, so why am I back in it?  I want to explore something else.”

 

Part of writing means catering to the expectations of your target audience.  As long as that audience is gamers, you need to keep changing the pace, threats, and scenery faster than you can imagine.  Reading it as a gamer, falling back into the well was where I lost all interest (and even though I read the rest of it anyway I was never proved wrong).

 

 

L. Spiro


#1L. Spiro

Posted 21 September 2013 - 10:28 AM

A few grammatical errors, but as far as writing goes it is fine.

 

But it’s not for a game.  In a game, the first section would have ended with the player successfully climbing out of the well and then discovering a whole new world of possibilities, yours for the picking.

 

Reading as a person who expect this to pan out as a game’s storyline, I said to myself, “What the-  Why did I fall back into the well, and just because of water?  I can swim you know…  I’ve already been in the well, so why am I back in it?  I want to explore something else.”

 

Part of writing means catering to the expectations of your target audience.  As long as that audience is gamers, you need to keep changing the pace, threats, and scenery faster than you can imagine.  Reading it as a gamer, falling back into the well was where I lost all interest (and even though I read the rest of it anyway I was never proved wrong).

 

 

L. Spiro


PARTNERS