I really appreciate the advice and I will keep it in mind for future reference, but this was not originally meant to be a plot for a video game. What I wrote in the OP was just something that I had thought up and felt like sharing with everyone here. I admit that posting it in a creative writing section of a game development forum wasn't the clearest way to get my point across, but such is are the unbeknownst inner workings of my mind, and my actions have clearly brought me excellent rewards. In any case, I gladly welcome all criticism and advice.
If it's not too much trouble, could you point out what those grammatical errors are? You don't have to be explicitly specific if it's too much of a bother.
A few grammatical errors, but as far as writing goes it is fine.