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#1 sunandshadow   Moderators   -  Reputation: 4914

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Posted 23 August 2000 - 03:33 PM

Those artsy people are always posting samples of their art - why don''t we writers do the same with our writing? Preferably something short and relatively standalone. I''ll start, it being my idea. Let There Be Games I have existed from the beginning. At the beginning all I did was exist, because I was all there was and existing was all there was to do. Then I noticed that I was bored, and began to think what I could do about it. In the process of thinking, and realizing that I was thinking, I either discovered or created time and causality. To this day I’m not sure which it was, but it didn’t, and doesn’t, matter. I was bored. That mattered. I have theorized that other gods have come into being, realized their boredom, then ceased to exist because they could find no other way to cease to be bored. I almost ceased to exist, but by some accident the very method of my attempted suicide saved me: I tried to die by ripping myself in half. And I succeeded, at least at the ripping in half part. (I actually invented the concept of ‘ripping’ later, and it was later still that a human piece of me invented the idea of ‘half’, but you get the idea.) So a gigundous ripping filled the cosmos (i.e. me) and I was darkness and I was light. (The original yin-yang, before they added the dots, was a representation of this moment.) So I was thoroughly startled to still exist and to now be a heterogeneous substance, yadda yadda yadda, suffice it to say that I divided myself again and again, then hit upon the idea of recombining myself in unbalanced compounds. Unbalanced, therefore unpredictable, therefore unboring. Eureka! So I put together elements and compounds and macromolecules and cells, and grass and wolves, and eventually people. People were more than ‘Eureka!’. People were epiphany because somehow they (I) thought, and what they thought of were ways to make themselves more complicated. Still, had they ever gotten to be boring, I would have scrapped them. But then two humans took the fact that their unbalancedness put them into conflict, and they turned ‘conflict’ into ‘game’. This is where the rainbow comes in. The first game that was complicated enough to catch my attention involved pieces of a multitude of colors, and I painted the colors across my sky to show my approval. So I left my wonderful humans and their universe as they were, but pulled all the rest of my resources back into myself so I could put as much of myself as possible into this thought. I was going to create my own game. And the wonderful humans could play too.

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#2 Wavinator   Moderators   -  Reputation: 1765

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Posted 23 August 2000 - 06:53 PM

Who you callin'' a writer, bub? I''ma game DE-ZI-NER!!!



My sample:

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind roared and the lightning flashed, except at occassional intervals.

Then a goblin knight whipped out a +10 Sword of Slaying, killed Foozle, and declared, "I''m tired of this hack & slash! There should be more non-fantasy RPGs, dammit!!!"

(Sorry, too much Starbucks coffee after 10pm...)

--------------------
Just waiting for the mothership...

#3 Kylotan   Moderators   -  Reputation: 3338

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Posted 24 August 2000 - 04:45 AM

Remember there''s a bit of a distinction between someone who is a good writer in technical terms (good with grammar, vocabulary, descriptions), and a writer who can tell a good story and write a good plot. Sometimes these go hand in hand, but often they don''t. I''m more of the first, someone who''s often been told to write books and stuff but can never think of anything interesting to write about.

#4 Kylotan   Moderators   -  Reputation: 3338

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Posted 24 August 2000 - 04:54 AM

Oh, and just to be annoying... some pedantic points for you.

quote:
Original post by sunandshadow
So a gigundous ripping filled the cosmos (i.e. me) and I was darkness and I was light.


Is gigundous really a word?

quote:

So I was thoroughly startled to still exist and to now be a heterogeneous substance, yadda yadda yadda,


And does not "yadda yadda yadda" kill the ancient and eloquent feeling to the speech? Seems to be out of place.

quote:
People were more than ‘Eureka!’.


Eureka doesn''t seem to fit here, although I see what kind of construct you were trying to use. That sentence structure is really looking for a noun phrase at the end of that sentence, and even quoted, "Eureka!" is not much of a noun phrase.

quote:
People were epiphany because somehow they (I) thought, and what they thought of were ways to make themselves more complicated.


I think you could get away with "People were AN epiphany" rather than simply "People were epiphany".

Anyway, they''re just my comments... like I would comment on the specular lighting or texturing or anti-aliasing on the art stuff

#5 nicba   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 25 August 2000 - 11:45 AM

quote:
Original post by sunandshadow

Those artsy people are always posting samples of their art - why don't we writers do the same with our writing? Preferably something short and relatively standalone. I'll start, it being my idea.



That's a very good idea. And I like your story.

Im working on a small short story about a stout short-legged elvern magician and a red dragon with a bad temper. I have put up a yet unfinished, unedited and unpolished version of the story here.

I think it could be pretty cool to do an alternative RPG with these characters someday (like, when I learn to do some game programming). What do you guys think? Is my specular lighting and texturing of the story up to the standard ?

Regards

nicba


Edited by - nicba on August 25, 2000 6:45:55 PM

#6 ahw   Members   -  Reputation: 263

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Posted 27 August 2000 - 09:36 AM

At first I wanted to write a little description of my ideas about magic in my RPG scenarios. But in the end, I thought a nice short story would do better. I don''t know how good it sounds, but it''s probably better than arid descriptions of a magic system. Some feedback would be appreciated

=============================================================

The afternoon was drawing to its end, and a gentle wind was blowing in the trees above the small hut in the woods.
A man in his thirties was sitting at the bottom of a massive oak. The roots formed like a natural bench there. At his side lower on the ground was sitting a young boy, dressed as a herd keeper. Above them the tree offered a nice cover, protecting them from the Summer sun.
The man uncovered his face, putting his hood in the back of his white robe. He was calmly passing his hand on the staff that laid on his crossed legs. He was a druid, dressed in a white that had turned to a beige with the time, he wore green cloths underneath, and the staff was adorned with a lovely stone, that would change colour depending on how you would look at it.
He coughed slightly, clearing his throat, and started speaking :

"So your parents sent you to me ? What is you name ?
-Axel, from Waterside, I am keeping the herd in my parents farm, but they say I have a gift with animals, and my father said I should go and be taught by a wise man.
-Ahaha, well, I am not old enough to be wise, but I accept the compliment. My name is Hornost Helpwood, your parents might not have told you, so I prefer that you know it. But anyway, if you want to become a druid, or at least, if you want to learn at my side, the first trial will be to stay here and listen to my story. We will see if you understand it, and if you like it, then maybe we can work together.
-What story is it ?
-Well, it''s the story of the universe. The story that the ancients came up with to explain what we are, and most importantly, what magic is. Oh, I probably will forget bits and pieces here and there, I am not old, but I easily get carried away by the flow of the story. But anyway, let''s get started."

And he adjusted his position against the millenary tree, then he spoke with a calm voice :

"At first there was nothing. And this nothingness was called Void, and Void was all there was and as such was everything.
-How can something be everything and nothing at the same time ?
-Yes indeed, but don''t interrupt me so soon and I will tell you."

A slight hint of annoyment appeared in his voice. He enjoyed the ceremony of telling a story, and questions had the effect of breaking the atmosphere he tried to create. But he continued :

"This, as you noticed, is a paradox, and it is called the First Paradox.
Without anything else, Void is not distinguishable, hence has no existence.
And so there was Matter.
With Matter, Void become the absence of Matter, and Matter becomes the absence of Void. But don''t be fooled, we humans, are not Matter alone. Pure Matter is very rare, and certainly you wouldn''t see it on the surface of Earth.
-So what are we ?
-Well, let me continue the story, and you will now !
The fact that there was Void, and then there was Void and Matter, introduce another notion, that of Time. Time exists because of change. It is still a topic of argument amongst the oldest of us, but certainly, you can understand that if nothing at all changed around you or inside you, you wouldn''t be able to notice the Time passing. Some argue that Time is the first thing that existed, and it''s existence forces the changes ... But anyway, the fact is, the duality between Void and Matter didn''t stay in a frozen state. The Order between the two was broken, they began to mix, Matter dissolving into the Void, in smaller and smaller particles."

The boy was gazing at Hornost with interrogating eyes. But he didn''t interrupt him this time.

"I know it''s quite a hard notion to grasp, so let''s take an image, a metaphor as we say.
Look at oil and water. If you put them in a bottle, at first they would be totally separated, this would be the primordial state of Order. Then if you shake the bottle, they will gradually mix, the shaking would be Chaos. The result is a perfect mix of oil and water, as long as you shake properly. You can''t distinguish either. If you stop shaking, the mix will slowly come back to its initial state of Order. If you shake moderately, you will see that the oil gather in some places, and the water in other, and it seems that some regions will have bigger spots of oil and some bigger patches of water.
This is Balance. This is what make our existence possible.
If Chaos was predominant, no particle of Matter would be distinguished from any other.
"I" wouldn''t have a meaning as "I" would be made of the same amount of Matter and Void than "you" and we would all be the same thing...
As well, if Order was predominant, all the Matter that is in us would gather in one place, and the rest would be Void, and there would be nothing left of us neither.
-So Order and Chaos are not good and bad ? But what is Good and Bad then ?
-Hahaha. Good question my child. There is no such thing as Good and Bad when we talk about Matter and Void. Good and Bad exists only in our minds, not in Nature ! If you really want such a distinction though, you could say that Balance is good as it allows our existence while Chaos or Order are bad as we cease to exist, and everything around us as well.
Is that a bad or good thing, I don''t know; this is still a great issue of Philosophy. One that you will be taught about anyway.
-So Chaos and Order are good for us while they fight, but if one wins, it becomes bad for us.
-Yes, something like that"

The old magician made himself more comfortable in his seat, slowly brushing his beard in his fingers...
This boy was quite bright for a goat keeper, he thought.
Then he started again :

-What we do, as magicians, is manipulate the balance between Matter and Void.
We are the hand shaking the mix of oil and water. But we can''t just manipulate Matter itself. Rather, we manipulate the different types of mix between Matter and Void.
At first is the Matter, that is whole and can''t be broken. Then there are solids, that are composed of very dense amount of Matter, then liquids are a balanced mix of Matter and Void. Then come the gaseous forms that are barely distinguishable from the Void. Then comes the Void. To take the comparison with oil and water again, these forms represent the more or less balanced mixes of water and oil.
The Earth is the solid by excellence, then comes the Water, and finally the Air. Last is the element of Fire, that helps the transition between the elements.
Deep inside the Earth here is pure Matter, probably. It is covered by stone, which you could see in a mine. Then it is covered by sea. And where the sea doesn''t cover, there are trees, and all the forms of Life as we know it. Then the sky above us is made of Air, and far far above us, where no bird can fly anymore, where only the stars, and the moon and the Sun are, is the Void. And this isn''t even sure, as we haven''t been there ... but I am quite confident that this is true.
our planet is a bubble of Matter in the Void. And we are the result of the Balance between those two fighting.
-But you say that Fire is different from the three others ?
-Well, in a way yes. it''s a bit complicated. What you have to understand is that these elements that we use are just a convenient way to describe things, but you must not fix your attention on them. Fundamentally, we are Matter and Void in various proportions. The name you give to the various forms taken by Matter are just like the names given to humans. They distinguishes us, and are useful to call someone rather than someone else. But they don''t change the fact that we all are human beings.
If you look at Nature, you can see more than just those three and one elements. There is also the different realms of matter, as we call them.
Mineral is the lowest, it is earth, rocks, air, water, all that is inanimate. It is the first realm, as it doesn''t need anything, but without it, nothing could exist. Grass couldn''t exist without rain, or ground to grow on, or Air to carry the seeds around.
Then comes Vegetal, which is the first form of life. Without grass there would be no animals, but without animals, grass seems to do fine...
The Animal realm is what we humans consider as other living beings, but that we can''t really understand. Animals, if you will, don''t have a very developed Soul, as they will usually follow their instincts rather than a form of reasoning. Wolves will attack you to eat, not for the fun of killing. And if you hurt them, they will give up as it would endanger them too much, even though you would be a good meal."
Alex seemed not to be disturbed by the example...
"Personally you know, I don''t like this distinction between we Humans and the animals.
I believe we are Animals that have forgotten their link with Nature.
As magicians, we have a greater contact with Nature, and thus the distinction becomes more indistinct. I mean, I can talk with animals, using the proper spells, so what really distinguishes us from them... Probably this emphasis on Instincts for them, and on Reason for us ... mmmh.
But anyway, I don''t want to confuse you with my own rants right now.
The last realm is called Mechanic. This last realm is quite disturbing. As most mechanical devices are made of Mineral parts, but the way they are assembled suggest a form of life, just like an Animal... And indeed, most of the tools we create mimic a natural function that we humans have not been created with. For instance, what is a sword if not a claw ? What is a wheel if not a better limb to move with, what is a hook and rope and crane, if not an extended arm ? So what is Mechanic then ?
-Well, so it''s the concept that is Mechanic, not the parts ?
-Yes, that''s a nice way to put it. you are quite bright you know.
Indeed, complex ideas could be considered as tools as well. Our magic grammar for instance, is really a tool to formalize our ideas, it allows us to create new spells, to analyse and understand old ones, manipulate the existing ones. Just like a good armourer would improve a weapon, fix old ones, create new ones. So you can consider Mechanic like the realm of Ideas if you will.
But let''s come back to the elements. The three and one elements exist for a reason as I said, but they are not enough to categorise all that Matter and Void can be.
They are too generic. For instance, what element is a Man ?
The blood in us, and the sweat, and all the other humours are liquid indeed, so we could say that we are Water.
But the bones are certainly as strong as stones, and could thus be considered Earth. So you could stop and say that we are made of Earth and Water and you would be right, but this is not Life that you would describe, rather a body.
A dead body is made of as much liquids and bones that a live body.
-Yes but it doesn''t breath and it''s cold !
-Exactly. To be alive we need the Air, and the Fire within us. Of course, Fire here is taken in its figurative form. And Air as well, by the way. At first, the ancients thought that Air was to be taken literally. But we both know that fishes don''t need air, and you might have heard stories of demons that certainly can breath gazes that would quickly kill us.
No, Air must be understood here as the spirit that make us move, that allow us to make decisions, and so on.
-But when we are unconscious ?
-Ahah, yes, indeed. Well, the Fire within is another part of anything that is alive. It''s the Soul if you will. You probably have heard of wandering souls in stories, and of the way they behave in mysterious ways. This is because they are only made of Soul, their Mind disappeared long ago, and they don''t follow Reason anymore. While Air, our Mind, make us take actions that could endanger us, that are contrary to our normal instinct of survival, the Fire within is the last line of defence, the energy that will make a Ghost come back and haunt is killers, the last reserve of strength of the exhausted fighter. It''s our Instincts.
-But do I have do I have to choose to learn one element ?
-Well, there is no reason to do so really. It''s just for convenience. It''s not easy to just learn everything at the same time. This is also why some specialise in even more restricted form of magic.
Some people will just learn the magic of Lightning, that combines aspect of Fire and Air.
Some, like the runesmiths, will learn the magic of Metal, combination of some aspects of Earth and some of Fire.
Some, like the druids, will concentrate on the magic of Life, that combines aspects of all elements, other will learn the magic of Mud, that manipulates the bodies, by studying the elements of Water and Earth.
Death is traditionally associated with Earth, because they associate Death with the return of the body to its mineral state. But for a real necromancer, communication with the dead is as important as the simple animation of the corpses, and those need to learn some aspects of Fire, to study the souls of the dead.
-And what did you study, Master ?
-Well, the first step is to learn why you want to be a magician.
It is of the utmost importance that you understand as much as possible the true reason that drives you to become a magician.
You have the Gift, but you must learn to use it, and to do so you must understand what you want to do with it.
It takes time to learn, and there certainly are quicker ways to learn than studying with me, but in the end, the discipline I will give you will make you stronger. Don''t be fooled by those that decided to stay alone and master their gift alone. Few of them really master their power. My mother was one, but most fall to their need for more power. They seem powerful, and more often than not, they certainly are really dangerous, but their power is the power of excess, and in excess, as I told you earlier, lies the real danger of unbalance.
This unbalance that fuels them, is also the seed of their destruction. They grow more powerful than most of us. And we fight them with such fury it''s not to destroy them, as we know they will ultimately destroy themselves in their search for more power. No, what we really want is prevent the damage done by their transformation.
We must keep the Balance.
And if our powers are by nature manipulating the Balance to our advantage, ultimately, it is our duty to maintain it.
-I understand master Helpwood, but can you tell me then, why did you become a Druid ?
-Well, do you know why YOU want to be one ?
-Err...
The young man shrugged, grasping the bag at his side. But raising his head, and facing the master again, his eyes started shining with determination as he said :
"I want to talk to animals. I can understand them, I feel it, but I want to talk with them. I want to protect them as they protected me when I got lost in the woods as I was still a child.
-Well, that''s a good motivation, a noble one indeed, if you don''t fall in the pit trap of power. It is hard not to feel like a God when you can control and manipulate other beings. But remember always that the greatest kings are the ones that don''t need to show off their power. The ones that forgive their followers, and are obeyed because they are loved, rather than feared. There is no merit in being feared when you are all powerful. And the greatest magic is often to learn when not to use it.
There is no merit in easy tasks.
-And what about ...
-Ah yes, what about my own reason for being there. You are right.
Well, my first motivation much like you, was to protect the nature around me.
My mother, you see, was an herbalist as well as healer, and my father was a farmer. I helped my father with growing the plants, and my mother in picking the various herbs that she would later mix into potions.
I know now, that she had the Gift. But she refused to become an apprentice, because she wanted to stay with my father.
Love is a powerful force indeed. And she never fell in the trap that lay on the path of the solitary apprentice, rather she limited herself to making potions and helping her neighbours. She loved being an herbalist, but I understand now that her potions were so effective because she infused them with magic. The herbs were only a catalyst to her powers.
Just like my staff is a catalyst for Mana, the herbs would help her focus her attention on specific actions she wanted to perform on the people. She was a healer, and very respected by her community. Of course all I knew at that age was that she knew herbs, and that knowledge made her a good person. And I wanted to do the same.
I had seen the look in the eyes of the people she helped, even some animals.
They looked at her, and there was relief, and gratitude. Of course, she never asked people to pay her.
When I told her about my desire to learn more about the herbs, she said she couldn''t. But as I was 14, I was old enough, so she told me that I should go and travel and look for the druids.
And so I did. And there I am.
I spent years in learning, and herbs were just one of the many things I was taught. And when I was ready, I came back to see my parents. They had grown old, but they were still as happy as before. Ten years had passed. I was a man, but my journey was only beginning, and I didn''t want to leave again before seeing my parents. I knew they would die someday, maybe while I was away, and I wanted them to see what I had become. My mother gave me this staff. And my father paid for this dagger."

He put a hand on the handle of the dagger at his side. The leather had been blackened by the time, as for his staff, it was polished on a lot of places, probably from the constant patting of his fingers all along the wood.

"My father died 5 years after I left, my mother could heal wounds, but she couldn''t save someone whose time had come. My father was simply too old. His life had been full, simple but happy, and so I was not sad. Nor my mother.
When I came back and discovered that she was alone, it was an old woman that I met. She had grown white hair, but her face was still the same. The smile on her lips, and the glitter in her eyes. I stayed with her until she died, 2 years later. I helped her in her work, and became the local druid. After her death, I decided to go and travel, until something would stop me.
And here I am, in my forest. I have been here for 5 years now, since my mother died. And when my task is finished, I will continue my travel, and you will come with me if you will."
-But what element did you choose then ?
-Ahaha, you are a child, but you are not light headed for sure. Well, if you really want to know, I chose Life. Which mean that I learnt the three and one elements, more or less. I can''t use one of them as good as any specialist really, rather I can use them together, and manipulate the trees around me, protect my forests, help the animals, humans included. I could kill, or destroy, but this is an aspect I chose not to study too deeply, as there is enough destruction in this world, and magic is not needed for that.
Anyway, I can probably teach you the basics, and if you think I am not good enough, then you will find another master. And when you are finished, you will start again, and become your own master. It will be a necessary step anyway.
For as we say, the first step kills your parents. The second step kills your master. The final step kills yourself.
-But I thought your parents died naturally ?!
-Ahaha, I won''t blame you for not understanding. It''s a metaphor, of course. An image if you will.
As you grow older, you must someday leave your parents and become and adult. This is the first step.
But you need a master to grow in your mind. And when your master can''t teach you anything, then it is time to learn by yourself, this is the second step. The last step, to kill yourself, really mean that you don''t have anything to learn anymore in this world... and you can guess that this is something not everybody can reach.
In fact, I don''t know anyone who achieved this ascension. But I heard stories.
I would like to go visit the mountains far in the North, once, and meet the Hoon tribes. They are said to devote their lives to reach this illumination.
-Well for now, I would be happy if I can talk with animals.
-Ahaha, yes, talk with animals. Well, then let''s go and walk, we will see what we can do with that."

The sun was slowly descending under the top of the tree line, but the boy was not afraid of the dark. The wind had stopped, now and the birds had ceased singing. It was a lovely day, and probably even better for it was the day that I, Axel, from Waterside, met Hornost, and became his devoted apprentice.
I would never regret this choice, as it would bring me more than my share of adventures.
But this, I suppose, is another long story indeed.

=================================================================

Memories of an Apprentice, by Axel Waterside, Wandering druid.


#7 runemaster   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 27 August 2000 - 10:28 AM

I can only say one thing : wow.Really.Very well done ! Congratulations !

Runemaster
Join the Game Developers SiteRing !

The Specular Lightosis Research Fund


#8 sunandshadow   Moderators   -  Reputation: 4914

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Posted 27 August 2000 - 10:59 AM

quote:
Original post by nicba

Im working on a small short story about a stout short-legged elvern magician and a red dragon with a bad temper. I have put up a yet unfinished, unedited and unpolished version of the story here.

I think it could be pretty cool to do an alternative RPG with these characters someday (like, when I learn to do some game programming). What do you guys think? Is my specular lighting and texturing of the story up to the standard ?

Regards

nicba


Hey nicba. That''s funny! My only suggestion is that you might make a little more clear what the magician is expcting as he goes into the encounter, and why the dragon flames a magician of an organization he''s allied with.


#9 Danielillo   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 27 August 2000 - 11:17 AM

ahw, That's really a good story! Beautifully written. I love the atmosphere, the felling,...

Well, when i was reading it i couldn´t help imaging this scene in the introduction of a computer game, with a little, almost static, hand-drawn animation of the forest, the old man speaking with a cavernous yet kind voice, and the brighted-eyed boy listening with a mixture of fear, respect and ingenuity...

Congratulations!

PD. Why don´t you continue the story? If so, show it to the world, it´s worth it.



Edited by - Danielillo on August 27, 2000 6:23:30 PM

#10 ahw   Members   -  Reputation: 263

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Posted 27 August 2000 - 11:43 AM

Well, thanks I thought people might find it too long.
I just wrote it this afternoon in two hours or so. I dunno if there is a sequel, but if the format is useful to explain my system''s ideas, I''d rather go with it

Nicba : I read your story and found it quite hilarious. I would have loved a bit more description for the characters though. But I LMAO


BTW did I mention that this thread was an excellent idea ?
I would love to see more stuff.

youpla :-P

#11 nicba   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 28 August 2000 - 05:42 AM

sunandshadow and ahw: Thank you for the comments. I agree with both of you that there should be some more descriptions. I''ll try to add it in later. And by the way, what does LMAO mean?!?

About the story of Axel Waterside: That was a really good story! The intro was setting a very good mood. I could picture the Druid and the boy very easily in my imagination.

The only suggestions I can think of is trying to take a look at the way you refer to the magician. First you call him a druid and then later you suddenly begins calling him a magician. That was a little confusing because it happened before you had explained that a druid was a magican studying the Life element. Also I find it a little strange that the magician goes into such great detail in telling about his mother and father to a boy he just met.

But nevertheless I find it a great story. The way you explain the nature of the world and the magic is really good. It would really add to a game having such a story in the Manual (or the readme file) instead of just a long and boring technical description of the GUI.

Regards

nicba



#12 ahw   Members   -  Reputation: 263

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Posted 28 August 2000 - 06:01 AM

LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off, very funny if you prefer. I could picture the story as a comic strip quite easily

For my own tuff, well, I agree there are still some little bits I have to correct, I didn''t notice this magician/druid thingie though, I''ll correct that.
As for the fact Hornost talks about his father and mother to a unknown boy, it''s simply that the boy in question came here with the intention of becoming a pupil, and he must understand that what happened to Hornost, could very well happen now (Ael will probably not see his parents anymore, or not before a long time, and they could very well die while he is away, or stuff like that). Hornost is very open because this is a very important choice Axel has to do.

Now I am thinking about nice stories to describe the various "schools" of magic. And maybe I''ll do some illustrations, if my pencil gets jiggy enough

youpla :-P

#13 nicba   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 28 August 2000 - 07:17 AM

quote:
Original post by ahw
LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off, very funny if you prefer. I could picture the story as a comic strip quite easily



Oh, in that case: Thank you very much. Then I won''t have to zap you with my magical wand anaway

(which, by the way, would have been a great shame because then I would never now the further story of Alex and his druid master).

quote:

As for the fact Hornost talks about his father and mother to a unknown boy, it''s simply that the boy in question came here with the intention of becoming a pupil, and he must understand that what happened to Hornost, could very well happen now (Ael will probably not see his parents anymore, or not before a long time, and they could very well die while he is away, or stuff like that). Hornost is very open because this is a very important choice Axel has to do.



Yeah, I thought it was something along this lines. Maybe you could have the druid tell his motivations to Alex directly.

quote:

Now I am thinking about nice stories to describe the various "schools" of magic. And maybe I''ll do some illustrations, if my pencil gets jiggy enough



Oh yes, please write some more. I would love some more of the philosophical talk about the nature of magic.

Regards

nicba



#14 MadKeithV   Moderators   -  Reputation: 971

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Posted 28 August 2000 - 08:29 PM

If anyone''s interested, there''s a yet-unfinished manuscript up at my home-page.

It''s right here:
Hornless and Wingless.

Be warned, it''s a long read.


Give me one more medicated peaceful moment.
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#15 nicba   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 29 August 2000 - 01:49 AM

quote:
Original post by MadKeithV

If anyone''s interested, there''s a yet-unfinished manuscript up at my home-page.

It''s right here:
Hornless and Wingless.

Be warned, it''s a long read.




I''ll give it a try and comments as I go along.

But first a little comment on the layout. I think the ''paper'' you are using as a background is a little too dark. It would be easier to read the black text if it was just a ittle bit less dark. Also I think its a bit irritating to have it divided into parts like this. Why don''t you just have one large page? I would like to have a way of telling how long a story is before I start on it. But I guess that just individual taste.

Now to the story:

- Prologue

Very good. Very ''dark''. Sets the mood perfectly. The only thing I can complain about is the ''21 years later'' thing. It sort of breaks the rythm I feel. It''s not really part of the story, more like a change of scenery. I think it would have a better effect if you let it stand out from the rest of the text. For example by making it italic and maybe centering it. But then again it''s really a small thing and I''m just being pedantic .

- Part 1

Here you start of speaking of Keith in 3th person. But then half way down the page you suddenly begins using a first person perspective (''I looked around...''). Better keep to one perspective only.

Again a very good description of Keiths new home. You seem to have knack for describing this kind of urban enviroment.

- Part 2

...it just keeps getting better...

- Part 3

...Im really hooked on the story now. I think I will just stop this commenting and read it throught to the end.

- Part 6

Oh, and you can also do humour! Very funny conversation.

- Part 9

Ahh, that''s a shame. The revelation of Keiths true nature should have come as "something more". I had already guessed something along these lines but many expectations was being build up, especially by the use of his newfound powers. It seemed a little disapointing just to be given the answer and the history of his birth in an almost off-hand way in a couple of lines .

But then again it may be necersarry for continuing the story.

- Part 9

...ah, yes, maybe he''s more than that..I feel maybe a new mystery is building up?

- Part 12

"...Maybe she wasn’t gone completely.
Not as long as I still breathed."

Uhm, hate to destroy that lovely moment, but "As long as I still breathed" doesn''t make much sence since he''s already (kindof) dead too. Does he really still breath?

- Part 13

Good poem. But it feels a bit out of place. Disturbs the rythm of the story I think. I think it will perhaps be better to place it at the top of the next part. Perhaps in italic.

- Part 14

"But I am not angry. I am empty. You are not here, and I cannot leave."

You? Shouldn''t that be ''She is not here,...''?

- Part 15

Really good scene with Gabriel and the horns.

- Part 16

Very good ending. Closing the circle back to the Prologue. The only thing I might wish was a little more explanation. What has he become now? Is he a "normal" human now or still something more? What about Ana, is she also "just" a normal human now?


All in all I think this was really a very very great story. It was long but easily worth the time it took to read it. It really puts all the previos attempts in this thread to shame, I think (especially mine).

Have you written anything else? I would really like to read some more. Maybe you have a gallery in the Elfwood library? If not, I think you should go ahead and get one. Your story would do relly great amongst the masterpieces on that site.

Regards

nicba


#16 MadKeithV   Moderators   -  Reputation: 971

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Posted 29 August 2000 - 02:05 AM

Thanks for the comments Nicba, I appreciate them.

It's actually the first draft for a story that was once to be published, but I didn't have time to finish it.

About the perspective changes: They are intentional. I know they are disturbing, but it is the only way of "getting into the story", I wanted to tell it from the beginning, and yet tell it from Keith's perspective, without disturbing a timeline. I didn't want him to be "telling the story", if you catch my drift.

The revelation: It's been a while since I've worked on it, but this was one of the parts I'm less-than-happy with. It really was supposed to be only a step along the way, but kindof got stuck in the middle.

The poem: its there as an actual poem that I wrote for a literary evening ( won second prize with it ). There's a lot more to it than you'd think, but it doesn't really fit into the story flow yet. It's another thing I wanted to work on, but never got to.

"you are not here" - I guess this should have been in quotes, thinking to himself. ( ehm, this story is very strongly based on me, I guess I ended up writing down what I was thinking... )
"she's not here" would indeed be more appropriate in the context of the rest of the writing style.

I might put it up on elfwood, for some good comments.


Give me one more medicated peaceful moment.
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Edited by - MadKeithV on August 29, 2000 9:09:07 AM

#17 MadKeithV   Moderators   -  Reputation: 971

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Posted 29 August 2000 - 02:10 AM

( ps: I will finish it one day, and it WAS meant to be the start of a series, not the end of a book, which is why a lot of questions are unanswered.... )

Give me one more medicated peaceful moment.
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#18 ahw   Members   -  Reputation: 263

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Posted 29 August 2000 - 10:46 AM

MAdKeith : Lovely !

This is really good, do you play a lot of In Nomine Satanis / Magna Veritas, or is it just me ? (if you don''t know what I am talking about, then even better for you).

The only points I could think is a bit annoying is Chapter 9, that just goes WAY too fast compared to the rest. And the different phases of Isolde are quite confusing ... I didn''t really get what happened to her. I didn''t get lost, because I have played quite a bunch of games with so weird characters, but I think maybe for someone who hasn''t a clue, you should have been more careful. Of course, maybe you just wanted to speed up that scene, but then maybe you could have given a bit more details about Ana earlier ... maybe while she was walking back to her flat at the beginning ?

Anyway, loved it. I always fall for romance like that ...

youpla :-P




#19 ahw   Members   -  Reputation: 263

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Posted 29 August 2000 - 11:20 AM

It just downed on me that I didn''t even criticise sunandshadow text. After all, he initiated this thread !

Well, I realy liked the short length, yet the amount of ideas in it. And as well, it''s a nice, kinda esoteric text. I mean, it''s original ...

Well, but I also agree with kylotan that some of the words are misplaced ... but then again, not all of the people on hte forum are native english speakers. I am not.

Maybe it would be nice to see more writings like that.

I KNOW I an go to elfwood for this, I already do. But I think it''s quite useful to be able to tell a story sometimes. In my case it''s a simpler way to present ideas, and I just like this style of presentation ( a one page story, then pages of technical descriptions, something I got from RPG, I guess).

anyway.

more !!! we want MOOOOORE !!!

youpla :-P

#20 nicba   Members   -  Reputation: 122

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Posted 30 August 2000 - 10:59 AM

Just to keep this thread alive in the hope to see more contributons, I''ll post another short story.

This one was in fact written to be a background story for one of the four characters in the Gauntlet Style Project. But as I had written it I suddenly remembered that the project leader had requested a story with some specific elements, especially a revenge motive as the character walks into his village and sees everyone slaughted. Well, I then wrote a new story containing that element and put aside this one.

I have still not submitted either of the stories to the project leader and I don''t know if he will find it worthy of acceptance (or if the project is going to get as far as to ever requiring the background stories put in). But they where kind of fun writing so I don''t really mind.

On to the story:

-----

''The Elf'' Character

He readied an arrow on the bow.

Kneeling on the ground with the bow held in a firm grasp in front of him he scouted into the forest with sharp elvern eyes. Patiently the elf waited for his opponents to clear the cover of the trees an step out in the clearing surrounding the small village.

Night had come an hour ago and darkness covered the forest. But from amongst the trees an unnatural white light shone. Like a chilling mist the light crept towards the village and the waiting warrior. And with the light came a smell of dead. The elf closed his eyes briefly and whispered a silent prayer. When he opened his eyes again a skeleton was slowly coming towards him. He let go of his arrow and the skeleton stopped and fell to pieces as the arrow shattered the skull.

Around him other elvern warriors where following his example and soon the clearing was filled with the sound of flying arrows. The skeletons kept coming, staggering through piles of bones left from the ones before them. Fighting back a paralysing wave of fear and helplessness the elf continued to fire his arrows at the oncoming horde until his supply was nearly depleted.

Out of the corner of his eyes he suddenly saw the white mist of the skeletons being replaced by a sickening green glow. A ghost appeared between the trees, its blurred shape cutting through bushes and low branches as if they where only illusions. The elvern readied another arrow and aimed it at the ghost. The aim was precise and the arrow flew through the air and hit the ghost in what was once the heart. But instead of killing it the arrow merely continued through the ghost and harmlessly hit a tree behind it. Quickly the warrior drew another arrow from his now desperately small supply. Before he let go of the second arrow he chanted some words in a almost forgotten language and the arrowhead started to glow with its own yellow flame. The bright flame of the now magical arrow hit the ghost and the ghost screamed in pain and disappeared. Without pausing the elvern warrior once again took the task of shooting arrows at the skeletons.

The defenders soon ran out of arrows and engaged the skeletons with their swords. The elvern warrior approached two skeletons marching side by side and leaped for the one to the right. With a quick slash he cut it down and in one fluent motion he spun about and severed the skull of the second skeleton from its body. He fought with the might of a demi-good and the rage of a daemon until his arms became heavy as stone and his legs was about to collapse. But then dawn came and painted the sky in yellow and purple colours. Rays of morning light descended through the treetops and created a beautiful patchwork of light and darkness on the forest floor. The army of skeletons retreated.

Tired to the bones the elf rested his body against a large tree. Many of his elvern kinsmen lay dead or wounded on the ground around him. They have paid a terrible price but they have won. For now they have defeated the skeletons. But the elvern knew that they would be returning. Just as they have done last night and the night before. Just as they have done every night for the past two weeks. He sighted deeply.

Even though the body of the elvern warrior was still strong his eyes contained the wisdom of a life far longer than any human could ever hope to experience. And now those deep intelligent eyes turned stern with determination. He knew that the attacks would not stop before the root of evil was destroyed. Silently the elf sheathed his sword and started to walk away from the village, towards the point from which the skeleton had come...

----

Regards

nicba





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