14 replies to this topic

[Tim Law]

Hi there,

I am writing a script at the moment, which would be developed for the PC/PS3 and XBOX 360, nothing else. If I keep at the storyline
it would be completed one day down the track, depending on whether or not it's worth it and if someone and or company wants to be a part of it.

Here's the ideas that I own and is written by me so far, feel free to pass on some feeback, if not criticism as well:

© ARCHETYPES ©

GAME TYPE: First Person

PLOT: Future/Past Related

GENRE: Action/Adventure

PLATFORM: All

STORYLINE

I awaken.

My eyes begin to fixate and focus on what they see…

I’m on a darkened freeway, of desolate proportions…

Everything is dead-still around me, apart from the wind that’s blowing. Cars are in rubble and in complete ruin, buses and trains are demolished. The highway is ripped and torn apart…all of this is surrounding me, and there’s not a person in sight. Almost as if an asteroid has hit and wiped everything and everyone out. But how did I survive if that happened?

I shake my head…

There are jolts of electricity around me surging from power lines flowing loose in the breeze. I notice this as my eyes quickly flicker from left to right failing to focus due to the sights that are to be seen.

Preparing to take a deep breath, I close my eyes, breathe out, and then reopen them to offer some relief. My eyes are focusing better now.

I stand up and I look ahead…

There’s a city skyline in the distance…and it is so vast and so vibrant in colour and light, it is unbelievable, yet so far away.

Grasping reality…I now know that I am somewhere in the future.

The city looks devastated in areas. Lights are shimmering away in the gaps between buildings, and as I focus my eyes towards the light, I can actually see the concrete cascading away like dust through the glow.

Where am I? Am I dreaming? Is this all real?

I look up…

The sky has a red gloom to it amongst the blackness. A glint of blue that’s shining from the streetlights lead a visible path all the way along the demolished freeway to the city, lit only just enough to see the metropolis in the distance.

I look down for the first time…

I am covered in a hi-tech armour. Lights are shining bright off my shoulders accompanied with a heavy weight feeling, leading all the way down to my spine. I reach around to feel what is strapped to me, and it appears to be some type of sword.

I grab it and bring it to my field of vision; it’s coated in lights around the area of the handle, and the blade is completely transparent, crystal clear, like see-through glass. There is a flashing button on the side the handle gleaming at me. I press it...

My jaw drops, and I lose the plot for a moment in complete awe as the blade illuminates in an epic manner. I press the button again quickly, which then retracts all the attention grabbing me.

I try to focus with my mind running at a million miles a minute. My heart is beating like it’s about to erupt.

I sense a small smile on my face and a moment of comfort, but still, why do Ihave it? Who gave it to me? Why am I dressed like a soldier of war?

Surely something has happened to me along the line? Last but not least, if I have been given this equipment, someone has to be out there, somewhere, to tell me why?

I look at my arm now…

There is something pulsing statically, vibrating and buzzing away at me. It appears to be another visible button. I take a deep breath and activate it.

A holographic display appears from my arm with images of the city. The indicators are highlighting a beacon flashing away inside a skyscraper that is of mammoth proportions. Pressing the button again, the images disappear, and I try to focus…

If I head towards the city, dodging all the hurdles of this broken freeway ahead of me and whatever comes along with it, maybe I will find out what has happened in lead up towards this awakening.

I begin to stride forward towards the light in search of some answers, with what I have strapped to me as my only protection…

CHARACTER RELATED

· The player’s character is fitted with a futuristic suit sporting an indicator, which leads them towards the things they need to find in order to progress through the game.

· Combat would not be on a ‘massive’ scale at first, but exploration itself will be massive all the way throughout the game.

· Combat would undertake when getting close to where the player needs to go to progress,but also along the way via hidden paths from the freeway, depending on the area and part of the game as well.

· Stealth options would be available, a cloak device as well.

· The exploration of the game will be at the player’s choice.

· Many different paths can be found by the player, and usage of the items attained along the way can give the player ideas of where to go, for alternate options.

· You can collect items along the way, for use, trade or sale, even upgrade.

· Once too many items are accumulated, items will have to be sold or discarded.

· The character will come across people they can relate to from memory, to remind them slowly of what and why this has happened to them.

ENEMIES

· Certain human ‘scout’ groups will be freely roaming around in areas, fitted in armour sporting laser rifles/pistols.

· Enemy groups would become larger and more difficult throughout the game, and split upto hunt the player down if they aren’t taken care of at first.

· After a certain period of exploration in the game, once the player has made it to the city and found out new things, they will find a new breed of enemy, which will be mutant based and fierce.

WEAPONS/EQUIPMENT

· The player starts off with the hi-tech sword and suit, fitted with a hi-tech shoulderlamps/flashlight on both sides.

· Once on the move and on the way to the city, they will be able to obtain a laser pistol from defeated guard/scout groups. This weapon runs on charge, and may have to be discarded for another along the way, or revert back to the sword.

· A laser rifle will become available when the player finally has reached a closer vicinity to the city. Also runs on charge, same as the pistol.

· A long the way, plasma grenades, smoke grenades, and flash grenades will become available. Land plasma mines can be collected as well. Plasma ‘netting’ will be cloaked, and can be set between paths, and are able to be detonated at the player’s option.

· When the player takes out the main guards at either one of the city entrances, a personal shield will become available to them, which can be activated by a button.

POWERS

· Once the player reaches the city and the location marked on the beacon, they find a person from the past who gives them an idea of why they are there.

· This then leads to the player developing a power, ‘storm’.

· Further down the track, they develop ‘fire, wind and earth’ related powers.

· Closer towards the end, the player commandeers the ‘destruction’ power, which moulds all four powers into one, and harvests nothing but complete devastation upon attackers and areas when activated.

© ARCHETYPES ©

By TIM LAW

[Bigdeadbug]

A quick heads up, a lot of the words have stuck together, you may want to go back and separate them. It's hard to read properly at the moment.

[Tim Law]

Cheers for that, hopefully it has come across clearer now.

Tim

[sunandshadow]

So, I like archetypes but I haven't been able to figure out what this story has to do with them.

[Tim Law]

Some definitions in relation to give you an idea can be found here:

http://www.google.co...iw=1680&bih=849

The rest of the story will make it unfold in a more 'Archetype' manner...revolving around the character.

Overall, for music projects I have created in the past, the name just keeps sticking with me, so I thought I would label this story with it for the time being. If the actual
title was an issue for further development in the games department, it really is only a suggestion for now.

[sunandshadow]

*pained look* I know what archetypes are. I'm telling you, what you posted above does not explain anything about what the title has to do with the game's theme or characters. Since the title is the first thing anyone knows about a game, and the title is supposed to work as part of the game's sales pitch, it's generally good to build on the title in material describing the game and explain both what the game's basic concept it and why an audience should find it appealing.

[Tim Law]

It appears that you seem to focus on one part you are looking at even after a reply, and focus solely on what you find is the 'downfall' of the project from your
view...a title which is 'possible'...or should I go back and just delete the name?

Too late for that, because you have just slammed it with your words to pin outside eyes onto someones idea, onto one point.

And added your little *pained look* as if to rub me up the wrong way, well, you succeeded. Grow up.

What I don't need is you, a Moderator for a possible 'helping place' for an idea submission, sitting there focusing on one point, twice, then making me wonder why I payed membership to where
you feel you could have an idea for outsiders other than yourself to see. You then place and your thoughts, due to having a bad time understanding relation to one word. Do you need
motivation to move onto another area of the story or something? Maybe sip your juice or bot bot next to you?

If you have a problem with my reply, delete this and the whole thing from the forum.

[Liosse de Velishaf]

You posted this asking for suggestions. Attitudes aside, sun makes a good point. What does your post have to do with archetypes?



Maybe you could give us some idea of what kind of feedback you want? Are you looking for critique of the writing? Or the idea?

[Tim Law]

The feedback I am asking for, is on the story and details surrounding the bullet point catergories. Forget the title. That much is now for certain.

Critique of the layout on the writing is fine too. And critique on the idea is fine too.

Both of those options are fine, and it will show some help to me whether or not it is a nice hit of writing to start off with,
then if not, it will just keep developing over time under my wing anyway, after some correct and decent feedback was to come along
or not.

[JoeCooper]

I read the story again just now. I saw it when it was first posted but it didn't catch me. I'll explain.

I see prose and I see ideas. I do not see a storyline. (This is not a complaint, just clarifying.) I'll look at these two aspects.

As prose goes it's not bad. We get much, much worse here regularly. It's kind of long winded. And presumably an actual game would not use prose to express these things, so I don't understand the use-case of this work.

On the idea department, I see nothing at all. It's just some regurgitated pop culture. Big towers, power armor, some Final Fantasyish sword thing, etc.

That isn't necessarily a problem for a story in and of itself, but there's just nothing to get in on. If I wanted to make a story like that, I would not buy into one unless it comes with a pre-existing fan base.

If I wanted something like that, I would go find a competent writer and tell him or her to "make some generic sci-fi thing or something". If that person is going to be you, I need to see a portfolio of creative writing including games (writing with use-case & format) and whole works (of any kind).

I also need to know that this person is going to be easy to work with. Maybe it was just a bad day or something but you seem a lot more delicate than anyone at my office and definitely more so than Sun who shrugs off and\or calmly answers all kinds of criticism that could be taken much more personally.

[Liosse de Velishaf]

The writing is not very good. On the bright side, this is game writing, so it's not necessarily going to be in this format.





I think you should divide your categories up differently. Stick to the main points:


1. Game type: Not "first person", that is a perspective. Is this an fps game with some rpg elements? That's what your description suggests. Is it single-player, again as your description suggest? Is it a sandbox game or a linear story-line? Also, you list only three platforms, but then say it is for "all"... Which is it?


2. Plot: What is the overarching plot? This is not for players to read, so you don't need to be mysterious about it. What is the inciting incident, the scene which opens the game's storyline? You seem to have done some writing for that, although is is prose as opposed to being written in script format.


3. Character: Who is the main character? What is some backstory? How did they end up in the situation?


4. Mechanics: What mechanics do you offer that make this a game worth playing? How are they similar to or different from the sort of mechanics usually found in this genre?


5. Combat Style: Be specific. Hand-to-hand? Guns? "Swords" are not high-tech, they are low-tech. What are the capabilities of the power armor? Why does it need shoulder lamps? Are the enemies AI-controlled or do they follow set patterns?




You need to separate the story from the gameplay so that a reader understands how things work.

[sunandshadow]

Okay, please relax a bit man. I asked about archetypes in the first place because I particularly like archetypes. I was trying to find something positive to say by picking the part of the first post that interested me most and inquiring whether there was more information about it that hadn't made it into the first post. The pained look was for the google link - wouldn't you feel pained if someone gave you a google link to something you already know a lot about? I wanted an emoticon to express that but there isn't one in this set so I wrote out the facial expression I wanted. I don't believe that I 'slammed' anything, but if it looked that way to you, I wasn't trying to. At any rate, if archetypes turn out to be irrelevant, that's fine, I can ask about something else.

This question that Liosse asked "Plot: What is the overarching plot? This is not for players to read, so you don't need to be mysterious about it." is the next point that interests me most. The (amnesiac?) main character's goal seems to be investigating why the world is mostly destroyed and empty and why they are dressed as a futuristic soldier. Ok, as a player I like to investigate mysteries. But as writers helping you refine your ideas we need to know, what is the answer to this mystery, and how does the game end?

S&H Music, on 26 October 2011 - 06:47 PM, said:

It appears that you seem to focus on one part you are looking at even after a reply, and focus solely on what you find is the 'downfall' of the project from your
view...a title which is 'possible'...or should I go back and just delete the name?

Too late for that, because you have just slammed it with your words to pin outside eyes onto someones idea, onto one point.

And added your little *pained look* as if to rub me up the wrong way, well, you succeeded. Grow up.

What I don't need is you, a Moderator for a possible 'helping place' for an idea submission, sitting there focusing on one point, twice, then making me wonder why I payed membership to where
you feel you could have an idea for outsiders other than yourself to see. You then place and your thoughts, due to having a bad time understanding relation to one word. Do you need
motivation to move onto another area of the story or something? Maybe sip your juice or bot bot next to you?

If you have a problem with my reply, delete this and the whole thing from the forum.

[Tim Law]

To all the replies.

This is feedback someone desires. To find out whether or not a person 'is' or 'is not' heading in the right direction with a story, without the
qualifications so far as a dedicated writer, and to find out if this is what path they should follow.

It is pretty clear to me that I have a long way to go, and it is clear to me that there are people here with proffessional backgrounds
in the field that I am looking to consider somewhere down the line, that much I understand. And appreciate highly.

It is this type of feedback on my idea that has now made me on my own basis progress over time and work on. Break it apart, and consider listening to opinions
and changes to make a story better. Thats what makes someone power ahead, who doesn't have the accreditations yet.

I could sit here and pick apart the replies with quotes from each, but overall the replies from all are fine and great. It is what someone wants to hear.

Thanks for all the feedback, and apologies for any miscommunications on my behalf.

[Bigdeadbug]

One thing I think I could add, although it has been mostly been covered by Joe, is that you seem to be writing a book more than a script or at least you are explain the characters movement etc. much like a book would. In fact is almost seems like you tried to do it like a script would, aka "X character moves to position Y and looks up", but decided against it. If you truly plan for this to be a story told through the medium of game you will save yourself a lot of time and effort if you write it like it's for a game from the start. Just think of how you want to get the story across, in your case I'm guessing cut scenes, and then write it to fit that medium accordingly.

[heavycat]

Your setting is very well described, but your character is less well defined. My advice is to start with two people so they can talk and ask each other questions. In any narrative, dialogue speeds the story up, while descriptions of what is seen, heard, felt, etc. slows them down.

It's necessary to have both, because narrative tempo has to be varied to maintain the reader's interest (and give them time to rest after action or intense drama). However, it's generally a good idea to start a story at the moment the main character becomes involved with the plot, and the first element of any plot is an event of some kind.

It's a good start! All the best.