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Help with trailer


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#1 Znafca   Members   -  Reputation: 100

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 07:48 AM

Hello :)

Could anyone help me and check this text for my game trailer? It has been checked, but I have to be perfectly sure it is ok. :)




Attack, no matter the casualties - the most important thing is they have to bleed out before us. (note from me - is it ok in grammar way and do You get the point that some guy doesn't care about his army and he cares only for destroy (bleed out) his enemies?)




It is not a game about good guys...

In 3 really unpleasant planets...

With 22 technologies... (do you know what the sonic emitter does with your liver?)

Against 20 types of 8280 enemies...

You will find what the war really is



Sponsor:

#2 Tom Sloper   Moderators   -  Reputation: 8688

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 11:29 PM

1. Attack, no matter the casualties - the most important thing is they have to bleed out before us. (note from me - is it ok in grammar way and do You get the point that some guy doesn't care about his army and he cares only for destroy (bleed out) his enemies?)
2. It is not a game about good guys...
3. In 3 really unpleasant planets...
4. With 22 technologies... (do you know what the sonic emitter does with your liver?)
5. Against 20 types of 8280 enemies...
6. You will find what the war really is

1. Attack at all costs and take no prisoners. It's them or us.
2. This is not a game for nice guys... {not sure what the context is}
3. On three garbage pit planets...
Or: On three hellhole planets...
4. With 22 unique weapons... (do you know what the sonic emitter does to your liver?)
5. {I don't understand what this means}
6. You will find what war really is.
-- Tom Sloper
Sloperama Productions
Making games fun and getting them done.
www.sloperama.com

Please do not PM me. My email address is easy to find, but note that I do not give private advice.

#3 Znafca   Members   -  Reputation: 100

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 11:47 PM


1. Attack, no matter the casualties - the most important thing is they have to bleed out before us. (note from me - is it ok in grammar way and do You get the point that some guy doesn't care about his army and he cares only for destroy (bleed out) his enemies?)
2. It is not a game about good guys...
3. In 3 really unpleasant planets...
4. With 22 technologies... (do you know what the sonic emitter does with your liver?)
5. Against 20 types of 8280 enemies...
6. You will find what the war really is

1. Attack at all costs and take no prisoners. It's them or us.
2. This is not a game for nice guys... {not sure what the context is}
3. On three garbage pit planets...
Or: On three hellhole planets...
4. With 22 unique weapons... (do you know what the sonic emitter does to your liver?)
5. {I don't understand what this means}
6. You will find what war really is.





1. It is ok, but it is not "fun". The context is - we hear a general (it is quote) who told his army that they has to attack no matter the cost because the only thing he cares about is that they have to destroy (bleed out) their enemies before they destroy them (yes, he is really evil).


2. The context is "It is not a game about good guys" so we don't play in this game good heroes, who rescue princess, but killing, exploiting and destroying everything. So my sentence is still wrong?

3. My version is not correct? Maybe "On" (not in) 3 really unpleasant planets...

4. not "with your liver" but "to your liver"? ok, I will change this.


5. It means against 20 types (20 different, unique units) of 8280 (this is their amount in the whole game) enemies.

6. Not "the war" or "a war"? And "find", but not "find out"?



#4 sunandshadow   Moderators   -  Reputation: 4583

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Posted 15 November 2011 - 01:14 AM

1. This is usually called "war of attrition". But "bleed out" or "bleed dry" is good too.

2. Good guys vs. Nice guys: "Nice guys" is better here because it is about the personality, the flavor, of the player and the game. This is what you are selling. "Good guys" would be ok if you were talking specifically about the characters in the game universe. You could say something like "Good guys? They died first. There are no good guys in [universe name]."

3. On planets, never in. "Garbage pit" and "hellhole" are better, more exciting ways to say "really unpleasant".

4. "Have you seen what a sonic emitter can do to a man's liver?"

5. "More than eight thousand enemies in twenty unique varieties." But sentences about numbers are not usually good advertising.

6. You will learn what war really is. OR You will discover what war really is. OR You will learn the brutal truth of war.
(The word "really" is weak because it is so commonly used it is almost meaningless.)

Phone game idea available free to someone who will develop it (Alphadoku game - the only existing phone game of this type is both for windows phone only and awful. PM for details.)


I want to help design a "sandpark" MMO. Optional interactive story with quests and deeply characterized NPCs, plus sandbox elements like player-craftable housing and lots of other crafting. If you are starting a design of this type, please PM me. I also love pet-breeding games.


#5 Tom Sloper   Moderators   -  Reputation: 8688

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Posted 15 November 2011 - 10:08 AM

6a. Not "the war" or "a war"?
6b.And "find", but not "find out"?

6a. Yes.
6b. "Find out" is OK. I didn't mean to omit "out." Sun is right about "really." "Really" is really lame.
-- Tom Sloper
Sloperama Productions
Making games fun and getting them done.
www.sloperama.com

Please do not PM me. My email address is easy to find, but note that I do not give private advice.

#6 Znafca   Members   -  Reputation: 100

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Posted 15 November 2011 - 11:46 AM

Thank You very much. It really helps. :)

#7 Matias Goldberg   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 3008

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 08:59 PM


1. Attack, no matter the casualties - the most important thing is they have to bleed out before us. (note from me - is it ok in grammar way and do You get the point that some guy doesn't care about his army and he cares only for destroy (bleed out) his enemies?)
2. It is not a game about good guys...
3. In 3 really unpleasant planets...
4. With 22 technologies... (do you know what the sonic emitter does with your liver?)
5. Against 20 types of 8280 enemies...
6. You will find what the war really is

1. Attack at all costs and take no prisoners. It's them or us.
2. This is not a game for nice guys... {not sure what the context is}
3. On three garbage pit planets...
Or: On three hellhole planets...
4. With 22 unique weapons... (do you know what the sonic emitter does to your liver?)
5. {I don't understand what this means}
6. You will find what war really is.

Reminder: Ask Tom for trailer text advise. He really nails it.

#8 StillWorkingOnIt   Members   -  Reputation: 123

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Posted 20 June 2012 - 11:35 AM

With 22 technologies... (do you know what the sonic emitter does with your liver?)


Just a small tip. When your designing the game make sure your weapons would scientifically work. Im not saying you have to actually make it a working model or whatever, i mean it more in the sense that when in Star Trek, they say fire the photon torpedo, its essentially a flash light....




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