My good friend and I are taking on the challenge of creating a computer game. It is in extremely early stages of development. We have a blog http://play-dd-games.blogspot.com/ and there, other places, and here we will posting updates and we look forward to receiving any feedback we can get as we get going on this project. My friend has also posted a topic about this (Zak LeRoi, PC RPG) his username is Linc.

[color=#333333]DD Gaming is currently working on a game project we are naming The Lost Keys of Alraith

[color=#333333]As with any day we begin it by waking up. Zak LeRoi, a young peasant villager in the rolling hills of Alraith wakes up to the sound of crackling fire and whistling wind. He finds the village charred black and reduced to ashes. Zak's memory is all but gone, he remembers one thing: He was there when the fire erupted and the culprit he'd seen commit the crime was King Rizya, the king of Alraith. There were only a few survivors from the fire, none of which were Zak's family... he leaves the destruction and swears vengeance under his breath, "King Rizya must pay."

There were only a few survivors from the fire, none of which were Zak's family... he leaves the destruction and swears vengeance under his breath, "King Rizya must pay."[/quote]
Well, the story sucks, so the gameplay has to be very good to offset it.

But if you want to improve the story, that's good too. Although, you'll have to answer a few questions in Zak's place. For example... Why would a king personally oversee the destruction of some village in his kingdom? And why would a village Zak doesn't remember anything about be so important to Zak that he would swore vengeance on the spot? Oh and why does Zak know it's the king that destroyed the village? His memory is gone, isn't it?

Your story is full of holes like these, and that's the sort of thing that makes it shallow and unimmersive.

eugene2k does have a point, though. If that paragraph was really intended to pique interest, it most certainly could have been polished up somewhat. As it stands, it doesn't work, at least not for me. It actually kind of makes me want to hit my browser's back button and see what else I can find that is more interesting than yet another story about some kid with amnesia whose village is being picked on by generically evil King Whatsit. Maybe you do have a neat story, something fresh and somewhat original; if so, I can't tell by your introductory paragraph. And if the story isn't really fleshed out, then why bother with an introductory paragraph in the first place?

At any rate, since this is the design forum and not the writing for games forum, I guess it's not a big deal. But then, in that case, you haven't really told us anything about the design of your game. Design is quite separate from story, and we don't really need your crude intro paragraph to provide design feedback. What we need are details on the design.

Is it turn based or realtime? Party based or solo? Can you craft? Do you have conversation trees? What's the leveling system like? Or do you even have a leveling system? Treadmill? Choice and consequences? Etc, etc....

Or maybe this post was just a blatant advertisement for your blog, which is fine and all, but hardly appropriate for the Design forum and more appropriate for the Your Announcements forum. I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe you ought to start from scratch and actually say something of substance. Otherwise, you'll just attract more negative reactions and, in the end, work against yourselves in trying to generate interest in your project.

Okay this seems to being blown way out of proportion.

1. Sorry for any confusion to those who thought that this short paragraph was actually the only bit of story that existed. To be honest I put it here for feed back not to amuse any one. I am new to game making as it were and will not pretend that I am better than I am. Again sorry if it seemed like this was the entire story, but there are actually no conclusions to be made from this paragraph

2. To eugen2k: I posted here for feedback not for a pat on the back. Linc is one of my very closest friends and I admire the fact that he stood up for me. The feedback is helpful but half of what you say is assumption or inference. When you assume... No but seriously it actually surprises me how much you can deduce from that one paragraph about how this story sucks. After you were blatant you did make some actual points. I can see what you mean at how there are continuity goofs here, but half of what you said was assumption or inference.

3. To FLeBlanc: Thanks for the feedback, what you had to say was actually helpful. The fact of the matter is you almost seem to be talking the post as insult to your integrity or something. You had good feedback and I feel awful about placing this in the wrong forum although I'd love to talk to anyone about our design. Not an advertisement for the blog it is actually sincere appeal for feedback.

4. To Acharis: Thanks but not really. Please post your opinion not what someone else has already said it makes me feel like you think Linc and I are stupid because your opinion on what someone else has said is either more correct or more valuable

Finally don't get me wrong I don't have anything against any of the three of you. Actual constructive feedback is helpful. I wasn't trying to write a masterpiece story, merely looking for feedback, thanks.