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What is wrong with the pitching here?


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#1 Cap'n VG   Members   -  Reputation: 190

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Posted 25 August 2012 - 11:37 PM

This is a game Idea that I've written it in a document. I'm not sure if it goes to writing for games or not since its the idea I'm talking about.

Title of the game: Touche
Author:Artwark
copyright information:n/a

Game concept: The game is a puzzle rpg game which involves two main characters though some others will be playable as well but not major.

Demographic:The game is focused mainly for those who are a fantic of role playing games and for those who wish to experiment with the unique game mechanics.

Feature set:
1.Control two characters with one solving puzzles and the other battling in this RPG.
2.Why not let the one solve puzzles recover...So the one fighting can recover!
3.Use fast track option so that the one in need can be focused more!

Game mechanics: It is an RPG game as well as puzzle based. At first players control Prince Tornne
who does missions and assists peasants. By doing this, he gains EXP and items as well. But once Prince Jornne appears, the gameplay becomes interesting. Tornne or Jornne will either be battling or solving puzzles separately. For example, Thorne is under a fight while Jornne solves a puzzle.

Like wise it can be opposite as well like Jornne battling and Tornne solving puzzles. This is further more linked as when Tornne or Jornne get hit in the battle while the other one not on battle will also get hurt and vise versa and if either one of them faints the other will faint as well and the game ends.

When controlling the characters there are two options. At first both the characters are controlable where both will move the same directions and cannot be moved seperately. The other way is as the game progresses, The player will recieve an amulet which allows the player to control characters seperately.

In the battles, Either one of the princes will fight while the other is halted either by a scene or lies down. Sometimes both will fight each other or at different areas where events happen simultaneously. Each prince has a style of battle. For instance, Jornne has the ability to attack, defend, use magic, run and use items. Jornne's magic is light and doubles the damage when striking it against dark enemies.

Thorne however has limited moves as the only thing Thorne can do is attack and use magic and cannot do the same other features like Jornne. However his offence and defence stats are higher than him. His dark moves are doubled when facing holy enemies.


In some cases players can use fast track which allows players to focus on one character at times. For example, in case of the outside area, when using fast track, he can go to an area, buy items, use items, etc while on battles, the player can use fast track for attacks, magic, recovery etc without the player doing it manually. More characters will be playable but only in the battle area.
As the game progresses the Goblin bracelet will be given to Thornne which has the ability to swap stats with Jornne. Other badges can also be usable but only one badge can be used at a time.

It is to be made for the 3DS. How is it?

Sponsor:

#2 Orymus3   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 10674

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Posted 26 August 2012 - 05:49 PM

The grammar for starters.
Also, it took me 3 times to muster the courage to read through it, so presentation isn't quite there either.
As a read, I'm not hooked and compelled to read any further.

#3 Tom Sloper   Moderators   -  Reputation: 10163

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Posted 26 August 2012 - 08:55 PM

You say it's for the 3DS.
1. Does that mean it's a packaged game, to be sold in retail outlets through an existing publisher?
2. How does the game use the 3DS' 3D feature?
3. How does the game use the 3DS' two screens?
4. Does the game use the stylus?
5. How much experience do your team members have?
6. What other 3DS games will this one compete with -- which users will want this game, and why? How is this game better than those users' previous favorite games?
-- Tom Sloper
Sloperama Productions
Making games fun and getting them done.
www.sloperama.com

Please do not PM me. My email address is easy to find, but note that I do not give private advice.

#4 NapoleonicMonkey   Members   -  Reputation: 147

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 03:51 AM

I agree - if you're specifically targetting the 3DS - what special features from it are you using and how? (3D, Dual screen, touch)

eg if you're not using 3D or Dual Screens, would it be easier to make it a mobile or PC game? These are much easier to distribute and make.

Reading through your post, I'm having trouble imagining how the game will play out. I'm imagining a tile based puzzle game (like the old Zeldas or God of Thunder for example) with RPG / combat elements - but you're playing as 2 different characters at the same time? Is that right?

Perhaps it would be easier to imagine if you drew a screenshot, or walked us through an example level (showing us when the 2 characters switch perspective).

#5 Cap'n VG   Members   -  Reputation: 190

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 11:15 AM

I made it better.

Title of the game: Touche
Author:Artwark
copyright information:n/a

Game concept: It is a role playing game which involves two main characters who are somehow glued together by some magic despite them being in seperate ways although some additional characters will be only at certain times.

Demographic:The game is focused mainly for those who are a fan of role playing games and for those who wish to experiment with the unique game mechanics.

Feature set:
1.Control two characters with one solving puzzles and the other battling in this RPG.
2.If one heals, the other can heal as well.
3.Swap stats to improve tatic skills.

Game mechanics: It is a Role Playing Game. In this game The player controls two characters simultaneously. i.e if the character from top goes up, the character from the bottom will do the same.
This means that the player cannot move them separetly And if the one is stuck while the other one isn't, the player can't progress until the character on top can go forward. For example Jornne is at a dead end while tornne isn't which means the player has to figure a way for jornne to pass in order to progress further.
However once the player gets the Masunga Bracelet, the player can then move Jornne/tornne sepearetly while the other one remains as a stone. Although the braclet can work only for a few seconds and after that, the one turned to stone comes back and instantly warps to the position where the other character is.
When in combat either tornne or jornne will have a battle. When this happens, the one who faces battles will combat while the other one faces sprits. Sprits are the only ones which give exp while enemies will only give money. To make this tatical, the player can exchange exp, money to the two characters. As the game progresses, the player will have the ability to swap stats as well. If one character gets hurt in battle, the other one will get hurt as well despite him not being hit. If one dies in a battle, then the other one can still fight and after the battle, the other one needs to exhange his health bar to keep the other active and progress. If both the characters die, the game ends.

As for the 3ds, I really thought I can use the ds but I can't make it for pc because it is meant to be something for the ds or 3ds seeing that it has dual screen.

1. There won't be much use of the stylus.
2. 3d will not be displayed as i don't think it needs 3d for now.

#6 Shaquil   Members   -  Reputation: 815

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 02:22 PM

Your biggest problem of all is your understanding of grammar. It's a combination of slightly bad punctuation with really bad run-on sentences. Look at the Game Concept sentence:

It is a role playing game which involves two main characters who are somehow glued together by some magic despite them being in seperate ways although some additional characters will be only at certain times.

If you can read that out loud in one breath, you've got iron lungs. It goes on and on and expresses too much. That's just for starters. I mean, I couldn't get past this sentence because it's extremely flawed. I don't know what you mean by "despite them being seperate in ways". Do you mean... that in some ways, they are separate? By the way you spelled separate wrong. Ignoring other flaws of that nature, it's just plain vague. A role playing game which involves two main characters who are somehow glued together by some magic. I don't understand. So is it like The World Ends With You? What makes this exciting or interesting or unique? And where is the actual game concept in this sentence? You're talking about the theme. That's cool if you're writing a book or making a movie. This is a game. Where does the gameplay part come in? And the end is really confusing. "some additional characters will be only at certain times." I don't understand this sentence.

Good luck, I hope this helps

Edited by Shaquil, 27 August 2012 - 02:24 PM.


#7 Cap'n VG   Members   -  Reputation: 190

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 07:44 PM

Ok this time I've made improvements.

Title of the game: Touche
Author:Artwark
copyright information:n/a

Game concept: It is a role playing game where a player is able to control two characters simultaneously despite them being in different paths but allows them to swap their health, money and exp.

Demographic:The game is focused mainly for those who are influenced in role playing games and for those who wish to see unique gameplay.

Feature set:
1.Control two characters simultaneously and exchange exp and money.
2.If one heals, the other can heal as well.
3.Swap stats to improve tactic skills.

Game mechanics: It is a Role Playing Game. In this game The player controls two characters simultaneously. i.e if the character from top goes up, the character from the bottom will do the same.

This means that the player cannot move them separately, and if the one is stuck while the other one isn't, the player can't progress until the character on top can go forward. For example Jornne at the top screen is at a dead end while Tornne at the bottom screen isn't and needs to go upstairs, which means the player has to figure a way for Jornne to pass through in order for Tornne to go upstairs so that both can progress further.

However once the player gets the Masunga Bracelet, the player can then move Jornne/tornne separately while the other one remains as a stone. However, the bracelet can work only for a few seconds and after that, the one turned to stone comes back and instantly warps to the position where the other character is.

When in combat either tornne or jornne will have a battle. When this happens, the one who faces battles will combat while the other one faces spirits. Spirits are the only ones which give exp while enemies will only give money. To make this tactical, the player can exchange exp, money to the two characters. As the game progresses, the player will have the ability to swap stats as well. If one character gets hurt in battle, the other one will get hurt as well despite him not being hit. If one dies in a battle, then the other one can still fight and after the battle, the other one needs to exchange his health bar to keep the other active and progress. If both the characters die, the game ends.

Edited by Cap'n VG, 27 August 2012 - 09:38 PM.


#8 bvanevery   Members   -  Reputation: 174

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Posted 29 August 2012 - 10:16 AM

Who are you pitching to? Why do you need to define a demographic? Are you trying to convince someone that your game has a chance to sell?

Your presentation was so bad earlier, that I couldn't bring myself to read more than 2 sentences before dozing off. So I didn't find out your game idea was actually interesting until this latest redraft. Even then, your "Game concept" statement is poor. In general, try simplifying as much as possible. Only state the essential. For instance:

Game concept: a puzzle RPG where the player is forced to control two characters simultaneously. If one is stuck, the other can't move.

That may not be the best possible two sentence zinger but it's better than what you had.
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#9 jbadams   Senior Staff   -  Reputation: 19406

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 12:17 AM

Firstly, some quick encouragement: you're doing a great job of taking on feedback and working to improve your work, I can see a substantial improvement in each version. Fantastic! Sounds like basis of a potentially fun game idea as well! Posted Image


Working on the basic language and structure is an excellent starting point that you're already making good progress with. Some general tips:
  • Make sure the spelling and grammar is correct. Be sure you proof-read your document before showing others, and if at all possible (and it should be!) run an automated spell-checker. Have someone else proof-read it as well to point out any errors and suggest improvements -- this is particularly valuable if english is not your primary language.
  • Use short, to-the-point sentences that don't drag on too long. Each sentence should usually make a single point rather than containing multiple ideas. Any sentence that doesn't help to communicate your message should probably be removed.
  • Group your sentences into short, to-the-point paragraphs, each of which should strive to make a single point.
  • Use sub-headings where appropriate, and take the time to format them so that they stand out. In most cases, simply bolding and/or increasing the font size will do the trick.


Like some of the above responders, I think it would be valuable to clearly define why you are writing this document and who your intended audience is. Is this meant to be:
  • A product pitch, to convince a developer they should work on your idea?
  • A product pitch, to convince a publisher or investor(s) they should fund/support your idea?
  • A design document, to share your idea with a team?
  • Something else?
Each target reader will want slightly different information, and will benefit from being presented the information that is most important to them up-front. Along with a series of different target readers I've also listed a series of different goals for the document there: selling the idea to a developer, convincing a publisher or investors to fund the project, or outlining the idea in detail for a team (or the general public). Obviously, depending on your goals and audience you would want to include or remove different information, as well as ordering to information you do present to emphasise certain points.

Have a clear idea of who your audience will be, what their expectations are, and what you want to get out of them reading the document. You can then examine your drafts to see how well they match the intended audience and purpose.


Often, documents like the one your are writing feature a "first five minutes" section, detailing the player's experience during the first couple of minutes of game-play. This can help to clear up exactly how the game-play flows and show some of the special features of the game.


Hope that helps! Posted Image

#10 Cap'n VG   Members   -  Reputation: 190

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Posted 15 October 2012 - 12:17 PM

I want to thank you for encouraging me to use this idea to be made in the 3ds. Thank you all! :)




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