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please critique my story


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#1 omegaweapon2   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 15 November 2012 - 11:33 PM

So I'm at a crossroads on whether which path to take being a game designer of a story writer.

So I written a story in screenplay format. Some feedback would be nice.

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#2 Aluthreney   Members   -  Reputation: 256

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 12:01 PM

Hello there!

Your story seems like it has potential, but there are some aspects that seem like they need improvement.
I'm no professional writer, but I've come to believe that if you jump into the action right from the beginning it's make you story seem rushed and poorly executed. An example of this, in your story, is how you start it by making the vampire awaken, hear explosions and "jump" out of the coffin.
To me this just feels like it was rushed. According to your story, this vampire has been asleep for hundreds of years. Therefore, it would seem a bit unrealistic if he suddenly woke up and sprung out of the coffin like a jack in a box. Why not add some description/narrative between him waking up and getting out of the coffin? Maybe he has a headache? Or maybe he tries to identify the sounds of explosion before venturing outside the safety of his coffin.
The rest of the story seems alright, but imho vampirism is an excessively used theme these days and even though many people blame it on Twilight, I think the real problem began afterwards. I read the Twilight books and liked them. The problem was the thousands upon thousands of copy cat titles that came pouring into bookstores. My point here is: If your going to put vampires in your story then add something new.
One last thing: You have some serious typos and grammar problems. You should fix them.

Sorry for being so blunt on the last one, but I just finished work and can't wait to get home.

AluPosted Image

Aluthreney -- the King of sheep.


#3 kuramayoko10   Members   -  Reputation: 386

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 04:52 PM

Nice! The universe of horror-vampiric stories is very rich.

I disagree with Aluthreney on a few things:
1) Vampirism is not being used so much these days. What we have is zombies, and zombie apocalypse only.
2) Certainly Twilight is not a good reference for Vampiric stories. If there are any games that are based on Twilight, they are not vampiric.
3) You brought something new to the Vampiric world of conflicts. In your story they are not fighting Lycans while trying to hide from humans. You talk about Ghouls, humans and Vampires in conflict. That is pretty cool!

There is only one thing so far that I didn't like much: Alucard is too soft at the beginning.
I never thought of seeing a Vampire Lord say, "Pleased to meet you Vayne, I’m Alucard.", for example.

I think a more harsh and authoritary figure would fit him better Posted Image
Aside from that, the story is very good. And IMO it is awesome to have girls in the main plot of action, military stories.

Edited by kuramayoko10, 18 November 2012 - 05:52 PM.

Programming is an art. Game programming is a masterpiece!

#4 omegaweapon2   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 06:04 PM

Please note this is the first part of a trilogy. the final part will explain why he has awakened too far in the future.

I kinda picture Alucard as a gentleman from an old school timeline. Also Lycans are in the second part if I could put it here but I may have to start another thread about it.

The two sisters have different persona, Valentine is the long haired girl that respects Alucard while she uses automatic weapons while Vayne uses hard hitting hand guns and more of a funny persona

#5 kuramayoko10   Members   -  Reputation: 386

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 06:17 PM

Now, on the grammar errors.
I found a common error on your text: confusion between possessive pronouns and verb to be.

The correct writing is the following












Verb ToBe versus Possessive Pronouns
SubjectTo BePossessive Pronoun
Iam = I'ammine
Youare = you'reyour
Heis = he'shis
Sheis = she'sher
Itis = it'sits
Weare = we'reour
Youare = you'reyour
Theythey = they'retheir


For example, lets correct the following sentence in your text:
"... the huling shadow appeared in the broad streets taking theyre bullets"
Correct form would be
"... the hulling shadow appeared in the broad streets taking their bullets"

You had a few typos as well, you only need a second read and revision. Nothing really bad.

Edited by kuramayoko10, 18 November 2012 - 07:13 PM.

Programming is an art. Game programming is a masterpiece!

#6 omegaweapon2   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 06:52 PM

This is the second part of the trilogy. Lycans are in it and the ghouls have a much larger role.

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#7 kuramayoko10   Members   -  Reputation: 386

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Posted 27 November 2012 - 03:56 PM

Omegaweapon2, the story is exciting now. Don't stop it there :)
Programming is an art. Game programming is a masterpiece!

#8 omegaweapon2   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 03 December 2012 - 02:35 AM

Im truly sorry I uploaded the incomplete file. here is the finished version of the second part.

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#9 omegaweapon2   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 03 December 2012 - 02:37 AM

again some feedback is appreciated ^_^




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