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#1 M4uesviecr   Members   -  Reputation: 419

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Posted 20 January 2013 - 11:12 AM

Hey all! So I guess a quick description of the game itself will help you better understand the dialogue. This game has to deal with outer body experiences and other worldly realms and consciousness. 

 

I would love feedback on the dialogue. I am a huge stickler about good dialogue, and though I can pinpoint it when I see/hear it, I'm not sure if I am good at creating it. The part in italics is a quick synopsis of the game, and back-story to the preceding dialogue.

-------------------

 

The game is situated around Amnesia. The player awakens in a place called Secoursia, which is an area within the mind that deals with retrieving lost memories. When a person loses their identity (Amnesia) the brain sends a mental subject to Secoursia to go retrieve enough memories to help the Amnesiac remember themselves. Basically, the player plays as themselves, but they don't know who they are. The scene below is a memory that, when found or resurrected from the mental depths of the player's mind, will play out in the game.

 

The story surrounding the player is one that incorporates governmental upheaval. Einstad, the kingdom in which the player is a high official, is at war with another kingdom called Alfina. Keiv, King of Einstad, waged this war due to the neglecting of his own kingdom - By defeating Alfina, he is hoping to take its resources and build a new. Unfortunately, Einstad is on the cusp of destruction, and at the rate the war is progressing, will lose. Keiv realizes this, but persists in fighting, allowing his pride to override his judgement. The scene below is a secret meeting called to order by Marc Dolov, King Consult and Military Strategist of Einstad.

-------------------

~~~~~~~~~

 

Prior to the meeting, Marc Dolov had spoken to each of the 8 officials individually. Those that he felt would aid him in his endeavor were invited to the present gathering. Everyone was surprised to see one another - They had all been expecting to meet alone with Marc himself.
 
[The Player] walks into a tent that is set-up in a private location outside of the army campground.
 
6 men are situated around a very large table. At the center is a lamp, emitting a small light that fulfilled the minimum requirement needed to keep the room aglow. [The Player] takes a seat at the next available chair amongst the throng of men.
 
Kaiser: "Old man [Player]?! This night is full of surprises!"
 
Proth: "Quiet down you brute! The object of us meeting here is to avoid detection, believe it or not."
 
Mesrae: "No need to worry about that, Proth. Marc did well choosing this location. You'd have difficulty spotting it with the sun beaming down on us at high noon."
 
Kaiser: "Exactly. So keep your beard on, O' ancient one. The worse harm my beautiful voice can do is help my fellow Glory men find their way to this infernal camp."
 
Jaxl: "Help is putting it lightly. It's more like setting a vocal beacon."
 
Mesrae: "Oh ho? And what say you to that Kaiser?"
 
Vincent: "A mouthful I wager."
 
[The men laugh]
 
Kaiser: "A man offer's a helping hand and is ridiculed. Ungrateful lot..."
 
[From the front of the tent, Marc enters. Jaxl, sitting, sprouts to his feet]
 
Jaxl: "Welcome, Sir Dolov!"
 
Kaiser: "Sit down, boy! Damned over-eager pup."
 
[Jaxl sits down as Marc chuckles]
 
Marc: "Be mindful, Kaiser. He is young after all. From stories I've heard, you both share similar qualities."
 
Proth: "That indeed, as I recall. Reckless to the bone. Reminiscent of a certain someone that we all are here to profoundly discuss."
 
Marc: "Aye, and I shall not waste your time. But, before I begin, I wish to thank you all for your gratuitous attendance. I know that what I have discussed with each of you individually is a dicey subject that places us in a dangerous position."
 
Mesrae: "Too dangerous for Jamasen, I assume?"
 
[Marc hesitates]
 
Marc: "I fear Jamasen would not have complied with my ideals. In fact, had I been straightforward, I'm positive he'd have slain me where I stood. It is best that what we discuss here is not shared with him."
 
Jaxl: "If he is not our ally, then he will become our enemy."
 
[The Player]: "Let us deal with that when the time comes."
 
Marc: "Seconded. Our top priority is this war, and I shepherd you all here with the affirmation that you wish to see it abated and dismantled as soon as possible.
 
[The men shake/nod there heads. Or say aye. Some form of annunciation towards the question]
 
Marc: "Well I stand here to say that, with Vincent's aid, a way has been discovered."
 
[Marc places a parchment on the table in front of him]
 
Marc: "This here is an edict from the King of Alfina. A proposal for peace."
 
[Kaiser bursts out laughing.]
 
Kaiser: "An Edict from the King? Of Alfina? You can't possibly expect us to believe that."
 
Proth: "For once, I agree with Kaiser. The Alfinites destroy any letters sent from the Einstad kingdom. Which means..."
 
[The Player]: ".... you would have met him in person."
 
[Jaxl jumps to his feet]
 
Jaxl: "You're telling me you two waltzed into Alfina territory unprotected?!"
 
Marc: "Now, now, trust that we understood that there were many things at stake, an-"
 
Mesrae: "Many things? I am not sure you realize the turmoil we'd have been in had both your bodies returned in a coffin. How could you possibly have done something as brash as this without consulting us first?!"
 
Vincent: "Because of the current reactions on display!
 
[Vincent stands to his feet beside Mesrae]
 
Vincent: Had we placed this on the table for discussion, it would have set fire in an instant. If you wish to blame anyone, blame me. I convinced Marc to execute the plan, so belay saturating us in your misgivings. What's done is done. I was certain that the King's audience was ours once we offered ourselves, two of the most important assets of Einstad's military, to his front gates. Believe me men, he did, and there lies the proof.
 
[Marc slides the parchment into the middle of the table]
 
Marc: [The Player], I want you to open this. Vincent and I already know what its contents hold. But, to ensure trust among us, I wish for you to read it aloud. Though I doubt nary of us would question your honesty and truthfulness, I offer the floor to any man who objects. 
 
[The room stays silent. The player reaches forward and takes the parchment in his hands. He opens the letter, and unfolds it]
 
I, Halberg Alfina, issue this edict of peace on behalf of Marc Dolov and Vincent Hamric, Strategists and Court Advisors of Einstad. Upon the completion of the tasks listed below, the Kingdom of Alfina will document Einstad's position in the war as that of surrender, and will allow the retreat of the Einstad militia without chase, as well as the emancipation of Einstad captives.
 
The Kingdom of Einstad's position of surrender will be noted upon the assassination, and delivery, of Keiv Einstad, Tulrek Einstad, and Eman Einstad. Upon delivery of the three bodies, two court officials of Alfina must be stationed in Einstad. These officials are to be present at every high court meeting, sending letters to Halberg and the Alfina court until Einstad is no longer considered a threat. Only King Halberg possesses the auhority to retrieve the two court officials. Failure to deliver the bodies or to deliver weekly letters to the King will result in a cancelation of the edict, giving Halberg Alfina no choice but to infiltrate and overthrow Einstad."
 
 
[The player places the parchment on the table. There is a stale silence. It is shattered by Kaiser, who slams his fist upon the table, making the latern jump ]
 
Kaiser: "Damnit, I... I say we do it. We have too much at stake now. Our homes, our families... With the King gone, an opportunity for reconstruction surfaces with us, the Glory 8, at the helm."
 
Proth: "Wait a minute. How can we turn on our King so quickly? Albeit the war a rash change of heart, the King's intentions are pure."
 
Mesrae: "Dear Mage, naivety is not your color."
 
[Proth gasps, insulted]
 
Marc: "Proth, your knowledge of the King far exceeds that of any person sitting at this table. Can you look us in the eye, with an unwavering conscious, and say that our King will walk a changed man if we win this war?"
 
[Proth's demeanor slowly sinks to contempt and disappointment]
 
Proth: "... Nay. But as his followers, we are to see him to the end, are we not?"
 
Jaxl: "I fight for the just, kind-hearted, and respectable. I refuse to give my life for a man crippled by greed."
 
Kaiser: "... and irresponsibility. The King plans to make this a numbers game by sending out hoards of soldiers until Alfina has nothing left. Babes, men. He's sending babes. Boys with barely a hair on their armpits let alone their manhoods. If this is what must be done to ensure our future, no, our children's safety, then so be it. "
 
[Marc turns his gaze to Kaiser]
 
Marc: "So I have your arm then, Kaiser? You will assist me in the coup d'etat of Keiv Einstad, to support me in saving our dying nation?"
 
Kaiser: "Yes. I, Kaiser Shic, offer my arm to you, Marc Dolov."
 
[Marc turns to Proth]
 
Marc: Proth?
 
[Proth hesitates for a second]
 
Proth: I, Proth Estin, offer my arm as well."
 
Marc: "Ja-"
 
Jaxl: "I offer my arm, legs and lance to you, Marc Dolov."
 
[Kaiser rolls his eyes]
 
Marc: "Mesrae?"
 
Mesrae: "My arm is yours, brother."
 
Marc: "[The Player]?"
 
[The player sits silently, and the screen slowly fades out]
 
~~~~~~~
A huge thanks to anyone who leaves feedback. I realize that I am asking you to read a good deal.
 

 

 


My Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/jasminecoopermusic

"The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you are an artist." Max Jacob


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#2 AspireAN   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 20 January 2013 - 12:17 PM

Hah! Very creative concept. I like the twist on amnesia and how to fix it. Instead of just letting memories come to you when they happen to, the game revolves around someone actually going in a journey through their mind to retrieve them. Cool :D

 

I quoted your dialogue sample and will put notes in red edits within the quote. I minored in creative writing, so I hope that I am of use here. Despite minoring in the art, I am not perfect; far from it. So don't take my edits as law (not that you would anyway).

 

Kaiser: "Old man [Player]?! This night is full of surprises!" Should be a comma between "Old Man" and "[Player]" unless your name is literally Old Man Johnson or what not.
 
Proth: "Quiet down you brute! This does not sound like a reasonable response to what Kaiser just said at all. The object of us meeting here is to avoid detection, believe it or not."
 
Mesrae: "No need to worry about that, Proth. Marc did well choosing this location. Did well "in" choosing this location OR a semicolon in its place seems like correct structure. You'd have difficulty spotting it with the sun beaming down on us at high noon." So it is easy to spot at night, then?
 
Kaiser: "Exactly. So keep your beard on, O' ancient one. Obviously analogous to "keep your pants on". Doesn't feel authentic, but that is just my opinion. The worse harm my beautiful voice can do is help my fellow Glory men find their way to this infernal camp." None of this sentence sounded right or made any sense to me.
 
Jaxl: "Help is putting it lightly. It's more like setting a vocal beacon." I am now lost.
 
Mesrae: "Oh ho? And what say you to that Kaiser?" Was that previous comment a joke or insult?
 
Vincent: "A mouthful I wager."
 
[The men laugh]
 
Kaiser: "A man offer's a helping hand and is ridiculed. Ungrateful lot..."
 
[From the front of the tent, Marc enters. Jaxl, sitting, sprouts to his feet]
 
Jaxl: "Welcome, Sir Dolov!"
 
Kaiser: "Sit down, boy! Damned over-eager pup." 
 
[Jaxl sits down as Marc chuckles]
 
Marc: "Be mindful, Kaiser. He is young after all. From stories I've heard, you both share similar qualities."
 
Proth: "That indeed, as I recall. Reckless to the bone. Reminiscent of a certain someone that we all are here to profoundly discuss." 
 
Marc: "Aye, and I shall not waste your time. But, before I begin, I wish to thank you all for your gratuitous attendance. I know that what I have discussed with each of you individually is a dicey subject that places us in a dangerous position." Wait, so Kaiser shares qualities with Jaxl or Marc?
 
Mesrae: "Too dangerous for Jamasen, I assume?"
 
[Marc hesitates]
 
Marc: "I fear Jamasen would not have complied with my ideals. In fact, had I been straightforward, I'm positive he'd have slain me where I stood. It is best that what we discuss here is not shared with him."
 
Jaxl: "If he is not our ally, then he will become our enemy."
 
[The Player]: "Let us deal with that when the time comes."
 
Marc: "Seconded. Our top priority is this war, and I shepherd you all here with the affirmation that you wish to see it abated and dismantled as soon as possible.
 
[The men shake/nod there heads. Or say aye. Some form of annunciation towards the question]
 
Marc: "Well I stand here to say that, with Vincent's aid, a way has been discovered."
 
[Marc places a parchment on the table in front of him]
 
Marc: "This here is an edict from the King of Alfina. A proposal for peace."
 
[Kaiser bursts out laughing.]
 
Kaiser: "An Edict from the King? Of Alfina? You can't possibly expect us to believe that."
 
Proth: "For once, I agree with Kaiser. The Alfinites destroy any letters sent from the Einstad kingdom. Which means..."
 
[The Player]: ".... you would have met him in person."
 
[Jaxl jumps to his feet]
 
Jaxl: "You're telling me you two waltzed into Alfina territory unprotected?!" 
 
Marc: "Now, now, trust that we understood that there were many things at stake, an-"
 
Mesrae: "Many things? I am not sure you realize the turmoil we'd have been in had both your bodies returned in a coffin. How could you possibly have done something as brash as this without consulting us first?!"
 
Vincent: "Because of the current reactions on display! This is stilted/doesn't feel natural.
 
[Vincent stands to his feet beside Mesrae]
 
Vincent: Had we placed this on the table for discussion, it would have set fire in an instant. If you wish to blame anyone, blame me. I convinced Marc to execute the plan, so belay saturating us in your misgivings. Also stilted. What's done is done. I was certain that the King's audience was ours once we offered ourselves, two of the most important assets of Einstad's military, to his front gates. Believe me comma men, he did, Delete comma and add ellipses or semi-colon and there lies the proof.
 
[Marc slides the parchment into the middle of the table]
 
Marc: [The Player], I want you to open this. Vincent and I already know what its contents hold. But, to ensure trust among us, I wish for you to read it aloud. Though I doubt nary of us would question your honesty and truthfulness, I offer the floor to any man who objects. 
 
[The room stays silent. The player reaches forward and takes the parchment in his hands. He opens the letter, and unfolds it]
 
I, Halberg Alfina, issue this edict of peace on behalf of Marc Dolov and Vincent Hamric, Strategists and Court Advisors of Einstad. Upon the completion of the tasks listed below, the Kingdom of Alfina will document Einstad's position in the war as that of surrender, and will allow the retreat of the Einstad militia without chase, as well as the emancipation of Einstad captives.
 
The Kingdom of Einstad's position of surrender will be noted upon the assassination, and delivery, of Keiv Einstad, Tulrek Einstad, and Eman Einstad. Upon delivery of the three bodies, two court officials of Alfina must be stationed in Einstad. These officials are to be present at every high court meeting, sending letters to Halberg and the Alfina court until Einstad is no longer considered a threat. Only King Halberg possesses the auhority to retrieve the two court officials. Failure to deliver the bodies or to deliver weekly letters to the King will result in a cancelation of the edict, giving Halberg Alfina no choice but to infiltrate and overthrow Einstad."
 
 
[The player places the parchment on the table. There is a stale silence. It is shattered by Kaiser, who slams his fist upon the table, making the latern jump ] lantern
 
Kaiser: "Damnit, I... I say we do it. We have too much at stake now. Our homes, our families... With the King gone, an opportunity for reconstruction surfaces with us, the Glory 8, at the helm." Surfaces is not a particularly strong word choice.
 
Proth: "Wait a minute. How can we turn on our King so quickly? Albeit the war a rash change of heart, the King's intentions are pure." 
 
Mesrae: "Dear Mage, naivety is not your color." How is naivety a color? Also, is he writing a letter to him? "Dear Mage" doesn't really sound strong. Maybe "My dear mage" or something else entirely.
 
[Proth gasps, insulted]
 
Marc: "Proth, your knowledge of the King far exceeds that of any person sitting at this table. Can you look us in the eye, with an unwavering conscious, and say that our King will walk a changed man if we win this war?"
 
[Proth's demeanor slowly sinks to contempt and disappointment]
 
Proth: "... Nay. But as his followers, we are to see him to the end, are we not?"
 
Jaxl: "I fight for the just, kind-hearted, and respectable. I refuse to give my life for a man crippled by greed."
 
Kaiser: "... and irresponsibility. The King plans to make this a numbers game by sending out hoards of soldiers until Alfina has nothing left. Babes, men. He's sending babes. Boys with barely a hair on their armpits let alone their manhoods. I would try to come up with a different word for this, since Manhood is a modern term for junk in the trunk. If this is what must be done to ensure our future, no, our children's safety, then so be it. "
 
[Marc turns his gaze to Kaiser]
 
Marc: "So I have your arm then, Kaiser? You will assist me in the coup d'etat of Keiv Einstad, to support me in saving our dying nation?"
 
Kaiser: "Yes. I, Kaiser Shic, offer my arm to you, Marc Dolov."
 
[Marc turns to Proth]
 
Marc: Proth?
 
[Proth hesitates for a second]
 
Proth: I, Proth Estin, offer my arm as well."
 
Marc: "Ja-"
 
Jaxl: "I offer my arm, legs and lance to you, Marc Dolov."
 
[Kaiser rolls his eyes]
 
Marc: "Mesrae?"
 
Mesrae: "My arm is yours, brother."
 
Marc: "[The Player]?"
 
[The player sits silently, and the screen slowly fades out]
 
~~~~~~~
A huge thanks to anyone who leaves feedback. I realize that I am asking you to read a good deal.
 

 

Overall, the dialogue is somewhat hard to follow exactly, but I have a fair sense of what is going on. Some of it seems to be fairly strong dialogue, but some of it is definitely stilted. Often, your word choice in certain situations, is what makes the exchange suffer (in my opinion).


But you have a strong draft. Good job, and I love the idea.



#3 sonicarrow   Members   -  Reputation: 421

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Posted 20 January 2013 - 03:39 PM

Very good as a first draft, and excellent game concept.

 

Overall, the dialogue is somewhat hard to follow exactly, but I have a fair sense of what is going on.

 

This is my only complaint - multiple times through reading it, I had to flip back up to the intro paragraph where you named/described people.  If you plan to characterize these people better earlier in the game, then this problem is irrelevant.  If this is the beginning, or if you haven't defined your characters early on, it was a bit tough to follow what's going on throughout the scene.
 



#4 M4uesviecr   Members   -  Reputation: 419

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Posted 20 January 2013 - 04:04 PM

Thanks a lot AspirAN and Soniccrow. 

 

You both mentioned the dialogue is hard to follow. Is it because of my writing/wording, or the lack of information that you have in regards to what is going on at the time? Perhaps this may help:

 

As you acquire more memories in the game, the memories themselves are supposed to make sense. Throughout the game, you have the option of exploring different 'regions', which will allow the player to resurrect their memories in any order. The dialogue in the opening post could, in fact, be the first memory cut scene you see in the game. Upon retrieving more memories, events will start to tie in to one another. The game should, in the end, make sense once the player has retrieved all of the necessary memories needed to leave Secoursia. Does that kind of help answer the reason for the story being somewhat confusing? Or hard to get a sense of understanding of? That is ultimately my intention. I want the player to be confused in the beginning, but as the game progresses,  make sense of what exactly was going on before they lost their memory.

 

Also, to AspirAN, thanks a ton for going through the dialogue in its entirety and leaving comments. That is a humongous help. Overall, I want to thank you both for taking the time to read my exceptionally long draft, haha. The kind words are also greatly appreciated. ;)


Edited by M4uesviecr, 20 January 2013 - 04:05 PM.

My Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/jasminecoopermusic

"The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you are an artist." Max Jacob


#5 AspireAN   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 21 January 2013 - 05:35 PM

Thanks a lot AspirAN and Soniccrow. 

 

You both mentioned the dialogue is hard to follow. Is it because of my writing/wording, or the lack of information that you have in regards to what is going on at the time? Perhaps this may help:

 

As you acquire more memories in the game, the memories themselves are supposed to make sense. Throughout the game, you have the option of exploring different 'regions', which will allow the player to resurrect their memories in any order. The dialogue in the opening post could, in fact, be the first memory cut scene you see in the game. Upon retrieving more memories, events will start to tie in to one another. The game should, in the end, make sense once the player has retrieved all of the necessary memories needed to leave Secoursia. Does that kind of help answer the reason for the story being somewhat confusing? Or hard to get a sense of understanding of? That is ultimately my intention. I want the player to be confused in the beginning, but as the game progresses,  make sense of what exactly was going on before they lost their memory.

 

Also, to AspirAN, thanks a ton for going through the dialogue in its entirety and leaving comments. That is a humongous help. Overall, I want to thank you both for taking the time to read my exceptionally long draft, haha. The kind words are also greatly appreciated. ;)

No problem. Happy to help. That makes sense enough. I think that is also our handicap in giving criticism then. That seems reasonable, but then it makes editing beyond grammar and flow a little bit harder without the context. Good luck!



#6 Wouter79   Members   -  Reputation: 125

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Posted 08 March 2013 - 07:56 AM

It's too demanding.

 

Example: 

 

    INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

    Craig jolts awake. A rooster stands on Craig's chest,
    crowing. Lotte, also 30, in the middle of dressing for
    work, hurries in and pulls the bird from Craig's chest.


                 LOTTE
         Sorry, hon. I didn't know Orrin
         Hatch was out of his pen. Good
         morning.


    Lotte leans down and kisses Craig on the forehead.

                 CRAIG
         Morning.

                 LOTTE
         Gotta run. Shipment of grub worms
         coming in first thing.

                 CRAIG
         Enjoy.

                 LOTTE
         Craig, listen, honey, I've been
         thinking... maybe you'd feel better
         if you got, you know, a job or
         something.

                 CRAIG
         We've been over this. Nobody's
         looking for a puppeteer in today's
         wintry economic climate.

                 LOTTE
         Well, you know, maybe something else
         until this whole puppet thing turns
         around.

                 CRAIG
             (bitterly)
         The Great Mantini doesn't need a day
         job.

                 LOTTE
             (sighs)
         Craig, everyone can't be Derek Mantini.
             (beat)
         Well, grub worms are waiting. Do me
         a favor?

                 CRAIG
         What?

                 LOTTE
         Would you check in on Elijah? He seems
         to be a little under the weather this
         morning.

                 CRAIG
         Which one is Elijah again?

                 LOTTE
         The monkey.

                 CRAIG
         Yeah. Okay.


 
 
Compared to:
 
Kaiser: "Old man [Player]?! This night is full of surprises!"
 
Proth: "Quiet down you brute! The object of us meeting here is to avoid detection, believe it or not."
 
Mesrae: "No need to worry about that, Proth. Marc did well choosing this location. You'd have difficulty spotting it with the sun beaming down on us at high noon."
 
Kaiser: "Exactly. So keep your beard on, O' ancient one. The worse harm my beautiful voice can do is help my fellow Glory men find their way to this infernal camp."
 
Jaxl: "Help is putting it lightly. It's more like setting a vocal beacon."
 
 
You see that a multi-million dollar film actually excels in simplicity. 
 





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