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Need feedback and help on steampunk story.


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#1 GearTreeEntertainment   Members   -  Reputation: 422

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Posted 11 February 2013 - 03:24 PM

I am thinking of making a horror side-scroller and I need feedback on its story. Here is a background of the story:
Noliuk Pholos, the dictator of the Communist Produhk Union declares war on the Spiranmut Democracy. He was apointed ruler after the former ruler of the Communist Produhk Union was executed. Noliuk hatches a briliant idea to make a biological disease that will turn the people of Spiranmut against themselves. The labratory for the experimenting is built inthe Northern Produhk Mountains. A group of mad scientist create a disease, but it makes the host a crazy,murderous rotting monster that kills any living thing. The disease breaks out in the area around the labratory. Pholos takes the disease carry out of there and evacuates the area. When evacuating, Nicolai Kuinok is shot and suposed to be dead. The disease is put in poltury and the sent Spiranmut. After the disease breaks out in Spiranmut, Noliuk declares war on them.
Back in the labratory, Nicolai wakes up to the sound of something banging on a door. He was a patient in the testing of the Junski Plauge(Noliuks name for the disease, named after a crazy friend of his). When he wakes up, he is dressed in a straight jacket and boots.
That is my story at the moment. Any feedback is welcone and is greatly appreciated! If you think the idea needs improvements, or just plain sucks, please state so.

I'm da almighty Gear


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#2 DaveTroyer   Members   -  Reputation: 1052

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Posted 11 February 2013 - 04:24 PM

I'm not a huge fan of zombie games, but the story is okay. I do have a couple of things I'd like to say though.

 

For one, I don't think that all of your story should be presented to the player before game play takes place.

If the game starts with the player waking up in a straight-jacket, then there is a lot of build up before the player takes the reins and the game actually starts. Instead, you could have the player interact with other survivors as they play and have the main character explain whats going on.

 

That way the player isn't left out of the loop and isn't bombarded with the story out of the gate. The player can enter the game faster and also feel more immersed into the game world you've created by slowly letting them digest and look forward to the next chunk of the story while becoming more invested in the main character because they're the one taking them through it.

 

Also, you might want to differentiate the names of major characters a little bit more. Nicolai and Noliuk may not read the same, but as I was reading, it became kind of confusing. I had to go back and make sure Noliuk wasn't Nicolai because I was thinking maybe I had misread the name earlier. What I try to do to help characters feel more unique is to make sure their names start and end with different letters. That way if they are being read about in text form, they have a very difficult time being confused for one another. 

 

 

 

But that's just my thoughts on your story. biggrin.png  


Edited by DaveTroyer, 13 February 2013 - 03:12 PM.

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#3 GearTreeEntertainment   Members   -  Reputation: 422

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Posted 11 February 2013 - 04:41 PM

Well, what I had in mind to present the story was in a more "find journal and build from other journals", kind of way. What you thought I was going to do seems to Generic and boring. The game is supposed to be more of a mystery style. If you ever read Lord of the Rings, the same thing happened to me with the names. But its my favorite book. But thanks for your feedback, on my edited edition of this I'll try to follow your advice.


I'm da almighty Gear


#4 AspireAN   Members   -  Reputation: 130

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Posted 12 February 2013 - 04:02 PM

There are some grammar/spelling/missing info issues (I think) that are making it difficult for me to understand the story. I will post what you wrote in a quote below, and post comments etc. in red within it.

 

I am thinking of making a horror side-scroller and I need feedback on its story. Here is a background of the story: My recommendation is that you use spacing and paragraphs to add to the readability of this.
Noliuk Pholos, the dictator normally communist governments do not refer to their leaders as dictators, just as an fyi of the Communist Produhk Union declares war on the Spiranmut Democracy. He was apointed Appointed ruler after the former ruler of the Communist Produhk Union was executed. Noliuk hatches a briliant brilliant  idea to make a biological disease diseases are always biological. That seems redundant. To clarify; A disease is the condition brought about due to some physiological problem, or a contagion. Now, a contagion can be non-biological (nanites etc.), but the disease they cause is always biological. that will turn the people of Spiranmut against themselves. The labratory for the experimenting is built inthe Northern Produhk Mountains. A group of mad scientist create a disease, but it makes the host a crazy,murderous rotting monster that kills any living thing. The disease breaks out in the area around the labratory laboratory. Pholos takes the disease carry out of there and evacuates the area. When evacuating, Nicolai Kuinok who?? is shot and suposed Supposed (or do you mean "presumed") to be dead. The disease is put in poltury poultry and the sent Spiranmut what does "and the sent Spiranmut" mean?. After the disease breaks out in Spiranmut, Noliuk declares war on them.lol why?
Back in the labratory laboratory, Nicolai wakes up to the sound of something banging on a door. He was a patient in the testing of the Junski Plauge(Noliuks name for the disease, named after a crazy friend of his). When he wakes up, he is dressed in a straight jacket and boots.
That is my story at the moment. Any feedback is welcone and is greatly appreciated! If you think the idea needs improvements, or just plain sucks, please state so.

 

I mean this in the best way possible - as constructive criticism rather than an insult of any kind.

 

You have a serious number of spelling and grammar errors in just this synopsis. What this says to me is that you can't be bothered to use a spell-check (I don't know if it is because I am using google chrome or not, but my words are spell-checked as I type them into this message box.

 

What this tells me is that "I shouldn't be bothered to read it". I read it anyway because I wanted to help. I'm sure you are well-aware that throwing your work out there for the sharks to criticize requires thick skin. But I apologize if this is harsh; it's just my first reaction. That's not to say that we don't all make grammar errors or spelling errors, even with all the tools available to us to prevent them. I certainly have my fair share. But there is a fine line between mistakes and sloppiness.

 

There are a few plot points missing that would make the idea cohesive, such as motives for declaring war on the Spiranmut during the outbreak. Also, "a group of mad scientists" is an incredibly flimsy plot device (at least in my opinion). Did they meet at a crazy scientist convention? If you have to answer this question... "What was their motive" with the answer, "Because they are crazy", then you have a pretty weak section of the story-line there.

 

Also, you called this steampunk, but nothing you mentioned in this description would make it a steampunk story-line.

 

All that being said, the overarching idea isn't bad, but you have some work to do to make the idea cohesive, easier to read and critique, and stronger.

 

Good luck!


Edited by AspireAN, 12 February 2013 - 06:33 PM.


#5 GearTreeEntertainment   Members   -  Reputation: 422

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Posted 12 February 2013 - 04:52 PM

Thanks. I understand what you are saying. I'll spell check next time and try to make it more coherent and clear.


I'm da almighty Gear


#6 LorenzoGatti   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 2764

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Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:36 AM

Not only it isn't steampunk, at all, but there's no reason to cast one country as communists with a dictator and the other as a democracy. They can simply be average neighbouring countries, one with a mad imperialist leader and one without. The "something horrible escapes lab" plot has no need for definite aggression plans or for the victim country; any organization that wants to dabble with bad stuff (here the Produhk government) is sufficient. Spiranmut can be simply a different place to visit, either before Produhk (progressing towards the root of the problem) or after (following and hunting the spreading monsters).


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#7 GearTreeEntertainment   Members   -  Reputation: 422

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Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:43 AM

The story is actially steampunk, butbI didnt yet implement that fact to deeply into the story. I will on my final version of the story. Also thevreason they are making the plague is to ravage Spiranmut before they attack, so the job will be so much easier. But thanks for giving your honest opinion. I really appreciate it!

I'm da almighty Gear





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