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Darkblade[story]


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#1 Jeremy Slupinski   Members   -  Reputation: 143

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Posted 06 May 2013 - 07:39 PM

I wrote an intro to a game that can be viewed at https://www.dropbox.com/home. My email is jslupinski@icloud.com and password is stag beetle. enjoy Darkblade and don't be afraid to criticize.



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#2 JessieJess   Members   -  Reputation: 251

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Posted 28 May 2013 - 04:02 AM

If you'd like people to critique your work, it might help to make it easier on them by making it more easily accessible.



#3 Dragonsoulj   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 2116

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Posted 28 May 2013 - 04:46 AM

Might I suggest not sharing your password online? If it's a document, you could easily just use Google's drive to share it.



#4 Jeremy Slupinski   Members   -  Reputation: 143

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Posted 31 May 2013 - 12:51 PM

I wrote an intro to a game that can be viewed at https://www.dropbox.com/home. My email is jslupinski@icloud.com and password is stag beetle. enjoy Darkblade and don't be afraid to criticize.

It is now on google drive at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bqEna09tDTyjz2f6PF444ImcR6jqVG1i5Z4lgVg4LK4/edit?usp=sharing

 

I have never used google drive before so if I am doing anything wrong please tell me.



#5 JessieJess   Members   -  Reputation: 251

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Posted 31 May 2013 - 03:33 PM

Read your premise. Despite it being a whole page long, very little was spent writing on actual concrete happenings. Rather the bulk of it was simply descriptions. It reads more like a screen play for an opening cutscene rather then a premise for a story.

 

So he's down there because he's an archaeologist. He finds a sword which teleports him to some strange computer lab of sorts. Now he must find his way out. And that's it.

 

It needs more details on (for example) who is the protagonist? What are his motivations for being an archaeologist? What's the deal with the sword and lab and why should we as readers care?

 

I feel a bit more content needs to be added before I can form any opinion on the concept given.



#6 Jeremy Slupinski   Members   -  Reputation: 143

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Posted 01 June 2013 - 08:42 PM

Well, you were right about it being an opening cutscene, however from here the story gets increasingly less straight forward.

Spoiler
. In my spare time I will be making multiple different story paths. It will take time to make an organized matrix for this.



#7 Servant of the Lord   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 20245

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Posted 01 June 2013 - 10:18 PM

(Yea, definitely don't give out your account details online. Hopefully you've already changed the password)

 

How to share files in your Dropbox folder


Edited by Servant of the Lord, 01 June 2013 - 10:19 PM.

It's perfectly fine to abbreviate my username to 'Servant' rather than copy+pasting it all the time.
All glory be to the Man at the right hand... On David's throne the King will reign, and the Government will rest upon His shoulders. All the earth will see the salvation of God.
Of Stranger Flames - [indie turn-based rpg set in a para-historical French colony] | Indie RPG development journal

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