Jump to content

  • Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account


Wishful Writing


Old topic!
Guest, the last post of this topic is over 60 days old and at this point you may not reply in this topic. If you wish to continue this conversation start a new topic.

  • You cannot reply to this topic
3 replies to this topic

#1 Aluthreney   Members   -  Reputation: 256

Like
0Likes
Like

Posted 10 September 2013 - 11:10 AM

Journal Entry #1 - The Nightmare.
Every night for the past few nights I've had a most terrifying of dreams. I find myself at the bottom of a well made of cobblestone. Somewhere within the murky water, in the midst of my confusion and fear, my hand reaches out and latches on to one of the stones. I'm surprised and intrigued by this new found stability, but mostly surprised. I begin to cling on to more rocks and before I'm aware of it, I'm climbing the rough wall. As I reach and surpass the dark water I see the surface. A night sky filled with stars captures my attention and motivates me to climb further. As I come, ever closer, to the edge of the well, I begin to notice the water rising after me. I panic and attempt to escape, but the foul liquid catches up to me and weighs me down. I call upon my last shreds of strength to pull me out, but as freedom is one stone way I falter and fall back into the depths of my curse.

Journal Entry #2 - The search for an answer.
The nightmare never ends. I've already gone to the doctor, but all he's done is give me drugs that dull my mind; my nightmare is still there. Then I went to the library with the vain hope of finding some information on whatever is plaguing me, but most of my discoveries aren't worth mentioning. The only thing that stood out as I rummaged through the book collection was a passage that talked about concentrating upon the details of the dream. By paying attention to details, it said, you are then likely to understand the meaning behind the dream. I will try this tonight.

Journal Entry #3 - The Figure.
I just woke up. It's been three days since my last entry and the nightmare had seemed to had finally ceased, but tonight I was back in the well. Just as I had promised myself, I ignored my primitive desire for escape and instead focused on my surroundings. The first thing that I realised was the fact that I was conscious as I dreamed. Seemingly obvious, yes, but I hadn't become aware of this fact before and that alone is fascinating. Most of the dream passed by uneventfully as I studied and spied on every detail that my eyes touched. It was only the moment before I woke up that I noticed a figure looking down at me from the top of the well. It seems my emotions got the better of me and I was forced to wake. I try to recall it now, but the figure was merely a shadow hidden by the night. I return to my sleep now without a shred of an idea as to what might occur next.

 

I'm not sure what the above text is yet or if it's even for a game, but I felt like sharing this with everyone. What do you think of it so far? Is there anything I can improve on? Or perhaps you have some suggestions regarding the story?

 

- Aluthren(ey)(ite)


Aluthreney -- the King of sheep.


Sponsor:

#2 ShadowFlar3   Members   -  Reputation: 1147

Like
0Likes
Like

Posted 16 September 2013 - 07:26 AM

I think it's slow paced and a bit repetitive in theme/mood. Might work in a longer story but doesn't give much as it is now. Because of the narrow scope in this short text it is also hard to try to get game ideas about it. Is the conflict in the story about getting out of the well, the figure or the nightmare itself?

 

Keep on writing smile.png


Edited by ShadowFlar3, 16 September 2013 - 07:26 AM.


#3 L. Spiro   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 11934

Like
0Likes
Like

Posted 21 September 2013 - 10:28 AM

A few grammatical errors, but as far as writing goes it is fine.

 

But it’s not for a game.  In a game, the first section would have ended with the player successfully climbing out of the well and then discovering a whole new world of possibilities, yours for the picking.

 

Reading as a person who expected this to pan out as a game’s storyline, I said to myself, “What the-  Why did I fall back into the well, and just because of water?  I can swim you know…  I’ve already been in the well, so why am I back in it?  I want to explore something else.”

 

Part of writing means catering to the expectations of your target audience.  As long as that audience is gamers, you need to keep changing the pace, threats, and scenery faster than you can imagine.  Reading it as a gamer, falling back into the well was where I lost all interest (and even though I read the rest of it anyway I was never proved wrong).  I am not interested in whoever is standing above the well because at the pace the story is going it would be torment to discover, and even if I discover who it is I am still just in the well.  I get the feeling that I am supposed to endure chapter-after-chapter-after-chapter of just discovering the back-story and the environment around me all while my environment never changes from “inside a well” to anything else.

 

This is definitely not a game story.

 

 

L. Spiro


Edited by L. Spiro, 21 September 2013 - 10:33 AM.

It is amazing how often people try to be unique, and yet they are always trying to make others be like them. - L. Spiro 2011
I spent most of my life learning the courage it takes to go out and get what I want. Now that I have it, I am not sure exactly what it is that I want. - L. Spiro 2013
I went to my local Subway once to find some guy yelling at the staff. When someone finally came to take my order and asked, “May I help you?”, I replied, “Yeah, I’ll have one asshole to go.”
L. Spiro Engine: http://lspiroengine.com
L. Spiro Engine Forums: http://lspiroengine.com/forums

#4 Aluthreney   Members   -  Reputation: 256

Like
0Likes
Like

Posted 23 September 2013 - 07:48 AM

I really appreciate the advice and I will keep it in mind for future reference, but this was not originally meant to be a plot for a video game. What I wrote in the OP was just something that I had thought up and felt like sharing with everyone here. I admit that posting it in a creative writing section of a game development forum wasn't the clearest way to get my point across, but such is are the unbeknownst inner workings of my mind, and my actions have clearly brought me excellent rewards. In any case, I gladly welcome all criticism and advice.

 

If it's not too much trouble, could you point out what those grammatical errors are? You don't have to be explicitly specific if it's too much of a bother.

A few grammatical errors, but as far as writing goes it is fine.

(...)

L. Spiro

 

- Aluthren(ey)(ite)


Edited by Aluthreney, 23 September 2013 - 07:49 AM.

Aluthreney -- the King of sheep.





Old topic!
Guest, the last post of this topic is over 60 days old and at this point you may not reply in this topic. If you wish to continue this conversation start a new topic.



PARTNERS