Jump to content

  • Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

married or unmarried development ; -9


Old topic!
Guest, the last post of this topic is over 60 days old and at this point you may not reply in this topic. If you wish to continue this conversation start a new topic.

  • You cannot reply to this topic
26 replies to this topic

#1 fir   Members   -  Reputation: -460

Posted 15 September 2013 - 04:12 AM

Some girl I deeply loved broke my heart a few years ago and I am unmarried still, this was a hard hit and it is not easy to move on your

feet after some kind of experience, I am living in spritual hell, got troubles to met other girls, but do not matter.

 

I wonder if working as a programmer in unmarried state can be better for programming or being married is better ;-/ When unmarried I found myself depressive often but I have a lot of time to fucus (though to be candid last months the depressive state beats the fosus) Some opinions in general ? ;-O



Sponsor:

#2 jbadams   Senior Staff   -  Reputation: 18717

Posted 15 September 2013 - 04:36 AM


I wonder if working as a programmer in unmarried state can be better for programming or being married is better

I think it's a completely unrelated facet of life to programming.  It might make a difference (either way) for any given individual programmer, but I don't think you could draw any meaningful conclusions in the general case.

 

For some people it would be better to be married.

For some people it would be better to be single.

For others it wouldn't make any difference.

 

 

I do have one comment however: you shouldn't need to be married to be happy, and you might not make an ideal husband if you're looking for marriage to solve your problems in life.  Whether or not you find a partner, you should try to be happy with your own life.



#3 fir   Members   -  Reputation: -460

Posted 15 September 2013 - 04:50 AM

 


I wonder if working as a programmer in unmarried state can be better for programming or being married is better

I think it's a completely unrelated facet of life to programming.  It might make a difference (either way) for any given individual programmer, but I don't think you could draw any meaningful conclusions in the general case.

 

For some people it would be better to be married.

For some people it would be better to be single.

For others it wouldn't make any difference.

 

 

I do have one comment however: you shouldn't need to be married to be happy, and you might not make an ideal husband if you're looking for marriage to solve your problems in life.  Whether or not you find a partner, you should try to be happy with your own life.

 

 

I think it can be related some say that when married they can spend so much time to coding and so on, so maybe some can have some experience in this field ;> 



#4 jbadams   Senior Staff   -  Reputation: 18717

Posted 15 September 2013 - 05:42 AM


I think it can be related some say that when married [...]
(Emphasis mine.)

 

Precisely my point.  It effects some people one way, others completely the opposite way, and yet others not at all.  People can certainly share their experiences, but there's no reason at all that those experiences would necessarily apply to you.

 

 

Personally, for me I had a little less time for development when I started dating, but from there to getting married there was no additional difference.  Our first daughter however made a very noticeable change in my free time, and I'm only just now (a little over 10 months since the birth) getting back into a more stable routine of sorts, 'though still with less time available overall.



#5 Memories are Better   Prime Members   -  Reputation: 769

Posted 15 September 2013 - 07:39 AM


you shouldn't need to be married to be happy, and you might not make an ideal husband if you're looking for marriage to solve your problems in life. Whether or not you find a partner, you should try to be happy with your own life.

 

This.

 

I personally don't 'get' marriage and why people want to get married. As for dating I found it exhausting when I was younger, with all the social politics, drama and rules, now dating is at the bottom of my hierarchy of needs, even at 28 I get the "im sorry you are dying" look, when I respond to people who ask me if im 'still' single.

 

However saying all that majority of my day is consumed by projects, which are one way or another linked to programming, I don't really have the time to date and honestly you could stick me with the most interesting, fun, good looking person and I will still have work on my mind.

 

For me being married or in a relationship right now would likely depress me at worrying levels, it would consume an enormous amount of time so despite being single and not looking I am as happy as ever.



#6 fir   Members   -  Reputation: -460

Posted 15 September 2013 - 07:53 AM

 


you shouldn't need to be married to be happy, and you might not make an ideal husband if you're looking for marriage to solve your problems in life. Whether or not you find a partner, you should try to be happy with your own life.

 

This.

 

I personally don't 'get' marriage and why people want to get married. As for dating I found it exhausting when I was younger, with all the social politics, drama and rules, now dating is at the bottom of my hierarchy of needs, even at 28 I get the "im sorry you are dying" look, when I respond to people who ask me if im 'still' single.

 

However saying all that majority of my day is consumed by projects, which are one way or another linked to programming, I don't really have the time to date and honestly you could stick me with the most interesting, fun, good looking person and I will still have work on my mind.

 

For me being married or in a relationship right now would likely depress me at worrying levels, it would consume an enormous amount of time so despite being single and not looking I am as happy as ever.

 

 

IMO programming is realy counter-girls activity (counter any life activity as i already said). I would like to met some girl (I think life with a girl is more fun and easier) but I am heavy spiritually damaged (really) by previous one, and second, I would have to be in a mindset when I have not much to do in my mind and start searching, if programming occupies my mind/brain in 95% it is not such way. ;( 


Edited by fir, 15 September 2013 - 07:54 AM.


#7 SymLinked   Members   -  Reputation: 870

Posted 15 September 2013 - 08:06 AM

I don't understand how some can claim they get MORE free time when married compared to not being married. How does that work?

 

Personally it doesn't matter for me, but I do feel like I've got more spare time when I'm single.



#8 JTippetts   Moderators   -  Reputation: 8503

Posted 15 September 2013 - 08:18 AM

Being married does take time and energy. Add kids into the mix and it takes even more. Having the support of a wonderful partner can be an awesome boost, but you do have to make sacrifices and manage your time better. You can't just get married in order to have an emotional crutch to prop up your mood; it just doesn't work that way, not long-term at any rate. If you're miserable alone, you'll be miserable in company, only then you'll be making somebody else miserable as well.

 

If you are depressed, and the depression is making it hard for you to work, then I suggest that you take a bit of a break from your coding. Not completely, anyway, but somewhat. The absolute number one thing that I, personally, can do to ward off depression is exercise. Hike a mountain, ride my bike, even just 45 minutes on the Wii Fit, can all make a huge difference. I am not even kidding, the difference is phenomenal. Watch your eating as well; despite the stereotype that coders are fueled by pizza and Mountain Dew, these kinds of lifestyle choices can make or break you. Sure, you sacrifice some of the pleasure in eating, but I promise you that the mood-elevation and overall well-being are more than worth it. It really is amazing the difference that simple diet and exercise can provide. And if changing your lifestyle still doesn't help your depression, then you might want to seek out professional counseling. Occasional depression due to crappy things happening is normal; but ever-present depression that saps your enjoyment of life is probably a disorder that should be handled.

 

And programming doesn't have to be counter-girl. It's just a hobby. You could just as well say that playing fantasy football is counter-girl, or that rebuilding cars and trucks is counter-girl. It's kind of a non-sequitur. If you pour all your emotional energy into one thing then, yes, that thing can shut out any possibility of having a meaningful relationship. But if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse, they shouldn't have to compete with your hobby (or profession) for every speck of your attention. If you can't spare any time from coding to be nice to someone, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. However, if you pour all of your emotional energy into something like coding, or fantasy football, or automotive restoration, then don't be surprised when those parts of your being that cry out for emotional closeness with another human being cause you to feel lonely, spiritually broken, and depressed. These hobby activities are great, don't get me wrong. (Well, not fantasy football, so much; but to each his own.) But life isn't about just pouring your heart and soul into one single hobby. That is a narrow and non-fulfilling way to live, for creatures who have been made or have evolved (whatever your beliefs) to be social animals.

 

I've lived that way before, spending 8 hours a day working and another 8 coding before crashing down from the Mt. Dew high and grabbing a couple hours of sleep, pouring everything I had into projects (incidentally, projects which are now long-dead, all that effort amounting to nothing more than a few magnetic spots on a dust-covered hard-drive sitting in a box in the garage) and thinking that there could be nothing better than the life I was living, despite the constant depression and anxiety and loneliness. I have much less free time now that I have a wife and kids and a mortgage to pay, but I honestly would not even consider going back to the "freedom" of being single and coding long into the night on a wave of Mountain Dew euphoria.

 

Still, marriage isn't for everyone. You can have a fulfilling life without it. Just don't neglect the social aspects completely. Pull your head out of your monitor for three hours and go catch a movie with some friends. Or, better, climb a mountain or ride your bike with friends. Getting your exercise and your social interaction at the same time can save you more time for your coding.



#9 Dwarf King   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 1861

Posted 15 September 2013 - 09:14 AM

What do you want from your life?

 

That got to be number one question you have to ask yourself before talking about marriage.

 

Also many people who divorced feel the way you feel for years before they got back up on the bike again and start dating. It is perfectly normal smile.png 

 

How about not thinking marriage and then just date for a while?

 

How about not date for awhile and just meet people for awhile?

 

In fact just be social in some way and then see what happens.


"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education"

Albert Einstein

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education"

Albert Einstein

 


#10 Memories are Better   Prime Members   -  Reputation: 769

Posted 15 September 2013 - 09:42 AM


IMO programming is realy counter-girls activity (counter any life activity as i already said).

 

Counter relationships? Well that is subject to debate, but definitely not life activities, I dedicate an enormous amount of time to programming and yes while my social life (and sex life) is completely dead, I still manage to enjoy all my other activities including daily exercise, playing the piano, politics and playing with the cat etc. Ofc major massive sacrifices were made and these weren't easy but in the end I felt I could either be ambitious or social. Some people can manage both, but based on the situation I was presented with I knew I would fail trying to balance / be good in both areas.

 

You have to assess your life, personally if you are depressed I would recommend getting help from a pro, I doubt based on your threads programming is solely responsible for how you feel.

 


if programming occupies my mind/brain in 95% it is not such way. ;(

 

You will have to find out why this is, it could be due to extreme hours spent on programming or something else



#11 SymLinked   Members   -  Reputation: 870

Posted 15 September 2013 - 09:54 AM

Any hobby is anti-girl if you can't prioritize and make sure to spend some time with your partner.



#12 tstrimple   Prime Members   -  Reputation: 1718

Posted 15 September 2013 - 12:00 PM

Being married does not mean you won't get depressed. Your state of mind is up to you to control. Making someone else responsible for that is dangerous to your wellbeing.



#13 phantom   Moderators   -  Reputation: 7317

Posted 15 September 2013 - 01:18 PM

Being married does not mean you won't get depressed. Your state of mind is up to you to control. Making someone else responsible for that is dangerous to your wellbeing.


Agreed; someone making you feel happy because you are with them is one thing, relying on them (and thus putting the stress of that on them) to do so is quite another and certainly not fair on the other person.

There are a few reasons I avoid relationships, but one of them is that I know how volatile my own mental state is and putting that on someone else isn't remotely fair.

#14 szecs   Members   -  Reputation: 2148

Posted 15 September 2013 - 01:21 PM

 


 

IMO programming is realy counter-girls activity (counter any life activity as i already said). I would like to met some girl (I think life with a girl is more fun and easier) but I am heavy spiritually damaged (really) by previous one, and second, I would have to be in a mindset when I have not much to do in my mind and start searching, if programming occupies my mind/brain in 95% it is not such way. ;( 

 

 

I don't think it's easier or harder life with a woman. It can be harder in some ways (for example worrying, or taking care of each other. If you are alone, you can give a shit about yourself, but in a relationship, you suddenly care about two persons) and easier in others (sex, for example).

 

The other thing (that's already said) is that "searching" is actually counter-productive. It's much likely that you'll find an ideal partner if you are fine on your own, otherwise you'll make too much compromises or find nobody at all.

 

 

As for productivity, for me personally, having a girlfriend makes me more unproductive, because it's too tempting just to lie down with her on the sofa.

The thing that makes me really unproductive though, is being employed and spending 1.5 hours a day with travelling....

 

 

EDIT: back to my girlfriend, maybe the best solution for both of us (she is a creating person too, but being with me makes her unproductive too) would be to remove the sofa from the room...


Edited by szecs, 15 September 2013 - 02:16 PM.


#15 szecs   Members   -  Reputation: 2148

Posted 15 September 2013 - 01:25 PM

 

There are a few reasons I avoid relationships, but one of them is that I know how volatile my own mental state is and putting that on someone else isn't remotely fair.

 

I think that's up to the person to decide, with whom you want to be in a relationship.



#16 phantom   Moderators   -  Reputation: 7317

Posted 15 September 2013 - 01:36 PM

I think that's up to the person to decide, with whom you want to be in a relationship.


To a degree I agree with you but with the point that it depends ON the condition itself. People will, with the best will in the world, go into something thinking they understand the situation and thinking they can handle it BUT unless you live with it 24/7 you can't know and so, in my opinion, you should take some of the responsibility as to if putting this into someone else's life is fair to them or not.

End of the day it's a personal choice; others might see if differently, but that is the cold hard truth of my world smile.png

#17 szecs   Members   -  Reputation: 2148

Posted 15 September 2013 - 02:21 PM

 

I think that's up to the person to decide, with whom you want to be in a relationship.


To a degree I agree with you but with the point that it depends ON the condition itself. People will, with the best will in the world, go into something thinking they understand the situation and thinking they can handle it BUT unless you live with it 24/7 you can't know and so, in my opinion, you should take some of the responsibility as to if putting this into someone else's life is fair to them or not.

End of the day it's a personal choice; others might see if differently, but that is the cold hard truth of my world smile.png

 

You still could trust other people's strength to live with you or leave you if it's not possible, or to cope with you breaking their heart. Not everything is written in stone, you can break-up.

 

Well, actually my girlfriend read your comment and said you sounded a bit coward, but if you are actually that of a terrific person then I take everything back.


Edited by szecs, 15 September 2013 - 02:23 PM.


#18 phantom   Moderators   -  Reputation: 7317

Posted 15 September 2013 - 03:07 PM

Without going into my own personal history I think we are just going to have to disagree on this point smile.png

#19 Krohm   Crossbones+   -  Reputation: 3129

Posted 16 September 2013 - 12:47 AM


I wonder if working as a programmer in unmarried state can be better for programming or being married is better ;-/ When unmarried I found myself depressive often but I have a lot of time to fucus (though to be candid last months the depressive state beats the fosus) Some opinions in general ? ;-O
Take a break.

#20 fir   Members   -  Reputation: -460

Posted 16 September 2013 - 02:20 AM

 


I wonder if working as a programmer in unmarried state can be better for programming or being married is better ;-/ When unmarried I found myself depressive often but I have a lot of time to fucus (though to be candid last months the depressive state beats the fosus) Some opinions in general ? ;-O
Take a break.

 

 

the question is if i should take a break and then go full steam or (and become depressive again) or maybe If I should slow down and maybe develop other ways of life than coding (this is dating, family life or something more related to life than coding ;-)

 

But to be true real life scary me, usually I feel more secure to code than to live some life (I even dont have an idea how to live life outside coding ;-) (finding a girl (to live with) is probably the easiest what comes to my mind))

 

Well maybe this is some warped  view, and i am exagerrating a little, dalso do not want talk to much about myself (I would like to talk in general) but some questions like this become to come to my mind ;/ and I would like to rethink my way of living 


Edited by fir, 16 September 2013 - 02:23 AM.





Old topic!
Guest, the last post of this topic is over 60 days old and at this point you may not reply in this topic. If you wish to continue this conversation start a new topic.



PARTNERS