I've come up with a few major points for my platform so far. It's an interesting mental exercise, and I think it'd be funny as hell to actually try and campaign on this platform, just to see if I'd have more than a snowball's chance of actually scoring some votes.
Why I'm Better Than Those Other Guys
- I refuse to align myself with a political party. It is my belief that partisan politics creates artificial polarisation and skews representation. To appease legal requirements, I will run under the Non Party.
- I think it's stupid to withhold my opinions and views from voters on the grounds that I might trick some people into voting for me. The point of elected officials is to represent their constituents. If I piss you off, don't vote for me. I'm not going to lie to you to try and influence you into ticking a different box on election day.
- I'm technologically savvy and have a solid grasp on how technology affects real people. This puts me ahead of pretty much every living politician in the country in terms of being able to make sensible technology-related legislation. No, it's not "a series of tubes," you dumbass. Don't talk out your base orifices if you don't know what you're on about.
- Speaking of which, if I don't know something, I'll have the balls to say it - and seek advice from people who do know (as opposed to seeking advice from fellow rich people who used to go to the same country club). I'll also be careful not to muck around with laws and such if I don't really know what's going on and how my decisions would affect people.
- Last but not least, I'm a regular average citizen. I have a sense of humour, I'm an actual human being, and I'm interested in supporting other people like me. Rich guys in suits who want to lobby the country out of existence can go jump in a freaking lake. Government by the people, not by the greenbacks.
What I Will Do As You President
- Reform the entire governmental system from the ground up to eliminate partisan bias and open up all elected positions to anyone who is willing to run.
- Replace the entire tax system from the ground up, likely based on a model similar to the proposed "Fair Tax."
- Ban the use of private money (including corporate lobbying) for all political campaigning, and allocate a reasonable amount of tax funds to the creation and maintenance of web-based resources providing objective information about each candidate in every public office in the country. These resources would also include comprehensive documentation of issues open for legislation and public voting. All elected officials would be required to list their positions on each appropriate issue. For those not privileged with Internet access, free printed copies of relevant materials will be made available via suitable distribution methods.
- Push for Constitutional reform limiting the power of the government to legislate areas of personal choice, including but not limited to religion, sexual orientation, marital status, selected substance use, and so on.
- Enact strict limitations on the ability of any government or public agency to gather information on private citizens without due approval.
- Completely redesign the public education system around teacher input, and push for equal status of alternative education choices, including private and home schooling.
- Radically reduce the barriers to entrepreneurship and the creation and operation of small businesses.
- Commission an extensive documentation project which removes all the mysterious legalese bullshit that fills up government paperwork (e.g. tax forms) and push for the use of plain, human-readable English so that real people have half a damn chance of figuring out what they're supposed to do without needing a lawyer.
That's just for starters; I'm sure I could come up with a few other interesting things to push for.
I plan to be elected by a history-making 96% majority. My acceptance speech is quoted below, in its entirety:
I'd like to thank you all for having the good sense to vote for me. For those of you who didn't... well, sucks to be you, and we'll see ya in four years. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drink a lot and celebrate my crushing victory.
Vote Apoch in '08!