WARNING POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE STUFF WRITTEN BELOW - IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OFFENDED PLEASE DO NOT READ.
- Peadmont Illinois December 9th 2005 -
For over a decade now, scientist have known about a little problem called global warming. Brought on by the rise of the industrial revolution, fast cars, and silicone implants, this problem, first thought by most to be a hoax, started small but seems to be spreading faster with each year. As green house gases build up the "core" temperature of the planet rises and those caps of ice at the polar opposites of our planet slowly begin to melt. At first glance this might not seem like such a bad thing as speacilist predict that with this California will slowly be swallowed by the ocean, and those scurvy land lovers whom never have even seen the ocean, will someday be singing a nodical tune. Sounds good doesn't it? But, at what cost?
There's a saying in the Antartic, and that saying is, damn it's cold. It's ironic that the same can be said about the hearts of our fellow human beings. Many, having been armed with the promises of beach front properties and the destruction of the unholy Cali have begun selfishly squandering resources in order to speed up the green house effect. Obviously, they aren't considering the consequences. Here in Peadmont it was like that for a local business owner, who admits to heating his house by burning styrafoam for the last seven years. It wasn't until this past summer, when the Peadmont Zoo took in a herd of penguins that the man, who refused to share his name, started to think,"Maybe this isn't such a good idea".
The 2000 penguin herd had been rescued from a glacier that had broken off from the antartic circle. The glacier, aparently adrift for weeks, was discovered first by a boat of potchers who began harvesting the penguins for their beaks, feathers, and sex organs to be sold at auction, on the black market. Luckily a group of Green Peace workers had been tracking the potchers with a GPS locator and managed to subdue the potching vessel, putting it to rest at the buttom of the sea. The potchers themselves were then given the same fate as the 500 penguins that the Green Peace workers were unable to save, then they were used to keep the penguins a live for the two week ship voyage into the nearest American port. When the penguins first arrived, they seemed happy enough. There were no complaints, until the bills began to role in.
Gerald, a 10 year old male ,from the herd, realized his life was never going to be the same the day he had to start paying for fish. Apparently the Zoo keepers didn't have the resources to house the penguins, but failed to have the foresight to see any problems that might have arisen. So, many of the penguins were forced to get jobs and having to make a life for themselves. For Gerald, who was already middle aged, it was hard enough just wrapping his head around the idea of money, and he had no job skills or training, except for fishing, but commercial fishing could outdue his skills without question. For three months, Gerald and others like him looked and searched, begged and pleaded, but could find no work. Met with hard looks and turned up noses at most interviews, Gerald decided to take a route that many did, and turned to a life of crime.
For the next year Gerald the Penguin lived the best he could attempting to adjust to his new surroundings. Stealing, selling crack, and even prostitution became an every day thing. The zoo officials were quick to notice the changes in Gerald, and attempted to get him into some help programs, all to which they said he never even seemed to respond. So, when Gerald was arrested for going down on a 63 year old trucker outside the Zoo, the Zoo workers could do nothing to help him out of the situation. Gerald spent three months in a county prison and was released on parol under the supervision of the Zoo once again.
Within two days of his release, Gerald was at it again. He was spotted by the police selling drugs outside of a bar, while giving a crack head a hand job, while shooting up heroine, while selling boot leg copies of a Bugs Life, which were all parol violations. Only this time, during his apprehention things took a turn for the worse. When the police moved in to cuff Gerald, the crack head climaxed, unloading into the eyes of the advancing officer. Blinded, and disgusted, the officer began screaming while holding his face and violently vomitting. Gerald used this opportunity to seize the officers gun, and he began letting the bullets fly.
Inside the bar, Gerald began to take hostages. When the swatt team arrived he had already killed two officers, and three civilians. When asked what his demands were, Gerald simply replied, "qwan qwank qwan qwank chu", which in Penguin means, "I want to go home." For hours the police attempted to negotiate with him as well as the Zoo workers. Ultimately however, Gerald turned the gun on himself, ending his own life. Gerald was dead at 11 years old.
Since then our local business owner said he heated his house with wood and gases, which still produce green house gases, but at a much safer level. Unfortunately for him the years of being exposed to burning styrafoam caused him to develop lymphoma and he died shortly before this article was written.
So, you have to ask yourself, is trading away our quality of life really worth more beach front property? Should we just accept the way that our world is, and try to keep it that way, or is it already to late to do anything? Do we want our streets running rampant with violent penguins, and what about the penguins? How many more have to die, before we realize that driving to the beach isn't that bad, and even though California is the sleazest place on earth, they still make porn there, so it can't all be bad.
In memory of Gerald the Penguin.
G.P. For Life Bitches ~
Written By : Will Canada