Lately I've been casting about a lot for something of actual substance to be filling in here. It kind of bothers me that there's so little content here when I used to write so much. Frankly I think part of the problem is just that I've lost a lot of my will to think. Being cerebral used to come so easily for me; I'd spend hours just pondering a certain problem or exploring some concept that seemed interesting. Now, though, it takes a huge amount of effort just to focus long enough to do something like write up a shopping list.
It's affected my work, too; it used to be that I'd just look at a problem for a while until I understood it, and then the solutions would pop into my head fully formed. Once I got to grips with a domain, I could move freely and explore all kinds of alternatives and approaches with ease. That's gone now entirely. I've spent long spans of time just rereading the same notes without even comprehending them.
Sadly, this is a pretty unavoidable side effect of the medications I'm on. The idea is that the drugs are supposed to keep me stable enough to stay alive. Trouble is, the quality of life is utter shit. I've lost most of the freedom and spontaneity that I always prized, because supposedly they can trigger episodes. I can't think properly or work the way I used to, so I'm mainly frustrated all the time at my total lack of productivity.
The coup de grace is that I have a worsening tremor/spasm thing going on in most of my muscles, so my back is constantly sore and my fingers shake like crazy. Kind of ironic that one of my meds is supposed to act as an anticonvulsant.
I have another
So 2007 wasn't really my favorite year ever, and I'm not sure '08 is going to be a whole hell of a lot better. I guess we'll know for sure in another 360 days or so.