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Hey look, the little number changed

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Yayy, new year, blah blah blah. I've never really cared much about New Years, aside from the minor annoyance of having to retrain my brain to write a different number down.

Lately I've been casting about a lot for something of actual substance to be filling in here. It kind of bothers me that there's so little content here when I used to write so much. Frankly I think part of the problem is just that I've lost a lot of my will to think. Being cerebral used to come so easily for me; I'd spend hours just pondering a certain problem or exploring some concept that seemed interesting. Now, though, it takes a huge amount of effort just to focus long enough to do something like write up a shopping list.

It's affected my work, too; it used to be that I'd just look at a problem for a while until I understood it, and then the solutions would pop into my head fully formed. Once I got to grips with a domain, I could move freely and explore all kinds of alternatives and approaches with ease. That's gone now entirely. I've spent long spans of time just rereading the same notes without even comprehending them.

Sadly, this is a pretty unavoidable side effect of the medications I'm on. The idea is that the drugs are supposed to keep me stable enough to stay alive. Trouble is, the quality of life is utter shit. I've lost most of the freedom and spontaneity that I always prized, because supposedly they can trigger episodes. I can't think properly or work the way I used to, so I'm mainly frustrated all the time at my total lack of productivity.

The coup de grace is that I have a worsening tremor/spasm thing going on in most of my muscles, so my back is constantly sore and my fingers shake like crazy. Kind of ironic that one of my meds is supposed to act as an anticonvulsant.

I have another head shrinking session consultation coming up soon, so I'm hoping very much to get switched to a different course of treatment. It'll cost a little bit of time to adjust, but if I can get my brain back, it's definitely worth it.

So 2007 wasn't really my favorite year ever, and I'm not sure '08 is going to be a whole hell of a lot better. I guess we'll know for sure in another 360 days or so.
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I'm not even sure I can begin to imagine how frustrating that must be [headshake]. Lately I've been fried by my day job such that the last thing I want to do is sit in front of Visual Studio in my hour of spare time each night. I have these fond memories of the times when I would think just because I could think and mess about with technology just because I felt like it...

Fingers crossed for 2008 - might as well hope for the best!


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