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The Thing That Should Not Be

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My clock reads 1:00 AM exactly. So does my cell phone, which I've obsessively checked every 30 seconds for as long as I've been awake.

At least, I think that's what I've been doing; my short term memory is so butchered I can barely remember what I'm trying to document here. Gaps in my recollections seem to outnumber the fragments I can actually remember. I've certainly lost count of how many times I've been through this cycle.

Clarity of mind is elusive. Random side tangents overwhelm my thought process, threatening to drown out the resolute forward plodding of what I'm trying to write.

A couple of times I've woken up with what felt like some kind of amnesia. At one point I literally had no idea who I was. Every waking cycle is a miniature permutation of a personal hell. Sometimes I know why I'm lying on the couch in the middle of the night. Other times I've become so lost in the chaos that my mind has dredged up some bizarre attempts at explaining what's going on.

The worst cycles are the ones where I want to hurt myself. Those seem to be getting rarer, as I catch a few minutes of sleep here and there. But they don't go away entirely - even when I feel as sane as it gets.

It always starts innocently enough: one late night to hit a deadline, some party that lasted longer than it should have, maybe sleeping in a little too long on the weekend. Then, slowly, the daily routine of life starts to morph and distort. Schedules become increasingly difficult to maintain. Random bursts of complacency and laziness threaten to undo any productivity scraped together during the increasingly rare moments of lucidity.

I haven't figured out how to predict which way it will go, though. All I know is that an episode will occur. It may be a bout of depression so intense that I spend hours curled up in the corner sobbing. But worst of all is the siren call of mania.

There is a peculiar kind of temptation associated with mania for me. To ride the edge of the emotional high can lead to incredible productivity, efficiency, and quality of work. Managing a hypomanic state is difficult, but possible - especially if you're willing to rearrange your medication regimen a bit. You can have a consistently great outlook on life. You're unstoppable. Everything is possible and nobody can stand in your way.

If I could, I would live with being hypomanic every waking hour of the rest of my life.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Hypomania, while technically unhealthy, is still fairly pleasant and productive. Unfortunately, it invariably ends in either a depressive crash, or a spiral into true mania - and that is a horrific possibility.

Mania makes you forget. Mania makes you irritable, driven, focused to a laser point of perfection. Mania makes you feel unrealistically powerful. Mania short-circuits the mind's few lines of defense against completely delusional and dangerous behavior. There's a reason for the connotation of the word "maniacal."

I've been trying to get to sleep for hours now. Sometimes I'm successful, if only for a few brief moments. The rest of the time, I lie twisted up on the couch, aching and feverish, and wondering whether or not I'll get through this alive.

Melodramatic, maybe. But the last time I felt this, I found myself in the driveway in the middle of the night, desperately trying to scrape the skin off my hands. I don't want to think about what would have happened if I'd been holding a knife.

0116 hours. I started the evening with 25mg of Seroquel in an attempt to bring on a restful sleep (and usually it works pretty well). I've just taken another 50mg in the hopes that it can clobber whatever it is that's got ahold of my brain.

Ibuprofen for the fever. Drink some liquids. No caffeine.

0119. I've lost what I wanted to say. Everything seems so slow, so mired in some kind of ethereal sludge. Mind is fogging up again, and I don't know if that's because I'm about to spike, or because I'm finally falling asleep.

0122. Done, can't say anything useful anymore. Hope I make it.
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I... am sorry to hear that. Sleep deprivation is really bad on its own and it must be even worse for you.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not writing this in vain and I'm reading you. I hope the best of luck to you.

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What I find most disturbing about this post is that it's still so well written a couple of times I had to remind myself I wasn't reading a passage you're writing from a novel or something, and that this is actually happening. So hang in there, cause you still got the ability to post better than 90% of the people on this planet.

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ApochPiQ, I hope you have some good friends or family to help you, since this is not something a stranger on the internet can do much good for. Still, maybe an outlet for your thoughts at 1 AM is a little something we can give.

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You'll really know you're in deep shit when a stranger who looks disturbingly like Brad Pitt starts showing up, you move into his house in the middle of the ghetto, and learn how to make soap together at 2am.

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Original post by Dragon88
You'll really know you're in deep shit when a stranger who looks disturbingly like Brad Pitt starts showing up, you move into his house in the middle of the ghetto, and learn how to make soap together at 2am.

This made me [lol] !

Anyways, you really encompassed what it's like to be an insomniac there... maybe because what your writing is all true. I too have terrible sleep patterns. If you need someone to talk to or something, send me a PM.


Terrible is an understatement, I have really bad sleep patterns. Depression isn't fun either [headshake]

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Wow that was quite the read! I think it's good that you're able to write about it so clearly, but it must be a pain :-( I just want to say good luck. Hang in there, try to keep the spirit up!

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I can definitely sympathize, I've had a few bouts of hypomania in my life triggered by God knows what and it's definitely an experience. One moment you're the happiest you've ever been and feel as though there's nothing you can't do, right now. Everything you've been putting off doing gets done, and more. You're full of energy and can't sleep. But the universe demands balance, and there's the inevitable crash of depression that follows and when you realize that all the euphoria was fleeting it only gets worse. Eventually you pull yourself out of it but it's definitely not fun.

All I can say is, hang in there!

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Hi... if you're really working at Egosoft, have a talk with Bernd about this situation. If you need anything, mail me ( m a t o n (at) s i d e m a . b e ). I live literally 35km away from Würselen.

Keep the head up,

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