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Entry #28

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Mushu

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  • Random Observation of the Day
    "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

I just feel like shit today.

I have no life. I'm probably the only senior in the state who doesn't have a drivers license. I have no girlfriend to speak of, nor does it look like I'll have one in the near future (but how would that work without a car anyway? "Hello Aubrey! These are my parents, mom and dad, don't mind them, but they'll be coming to dinner with us" or would it be like "Dinner at eight sounds great! I'll be waiting for you!")

And getting my license doesn't seem to be working. Sure, I'll have the damn thing by April, but will I actually be able to drive? Almost had an accident today, can't seem to stay on the road, damn cars.

So I just ride the bus home with all the underclassmen, and stay at home each and every day.

Which wouldn't be so bad if I had something to come home to... which I kind of do. I just play games (maplestory) all day. But I haven't programmed ANYTHING in weeks...

I went into the independant study I organized for myself for the first time today. I decided that since I couldn't get any work done at home, I'd build my own programming "course" in a constructive environment. So, I sit down at my terminal, turn it on, get comfortable.

But where the hell is my compiler? "What compiler?" No; I'm not learning C.. I'm trying to learn C++. Notepad and a linker, sadly to say, is not enough. And I know the school has MSVC6... God knows how long it will take for them to install it somewhere that isn't being used. So I just stare at the screen, no different from home.

But is this really what I want to do with my life? Stare at the screen all day, typing away in the corner of a small, dimly-lit cubical? I know, it isn't that unglamorous, but recently, I've lost all ability to .. code.

I mean, I used to breeze through the technical forums, and find at least a couple in each that I could answer. Even stuff in C++ (a still foreign language) I could figure out. I knew how to use DirectX, design games, even write them!

But then that fateful day came and my computer was crippled, deleting all my code.

So, I sent an email to my old school's administrator, telling him that I backed everything up on their servers. Well, wouldn't you know it? Something happened to their server to (apparently someone bumped it, it fell over, fizzled some stuff) and everything was gone.

So, now I'm left with no code, but thankfully I uploaded all my executables here so I have something to show.

But these days, I can't seem to figure anything out. Not in C++, not in VB6, not in anything. I've just seem to have lost the will to code, the only thing that really took the place of not having a social life.

Now I'm stuck in transition; all my college apps are sent off (hopefully I'll hear from them soon). But what the hell am I going to do for the rest of my life? Maybe this is just a temporary setback, due to prolonged use of cough suppressants (I should check the side effects for depression etc) that I've been taking over a week... I would suspect bronchitis or pneumonia, but since 10% of the people in my school have it, I doubt its more than a stubborn virus.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me these days, but I hope that I can do something... I mean, I want to code, you know? I open up my compiler, start a new project, .. and then just stare at a blank screen. Maybe type #include or something.

But where are the days where I could write a space invaders clone in an evening? The days of my terrain generation schemes? Where is the horse that was riding..?

You know, I really don't feel much better after writing all this. I just feel even more confused... DAMMIT!! WHY COULDN'T LIFE BE A MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION??!
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Sorry you're feeling this way Mushu, I really am. Even though I've only been here for a short while, gamedev and game dev has completely taken over my life! I've made hundreds of posts, and read countless more. I consider you to be one of the better posters and members.

Perhaps you just a need a nice long break from everything code related, and a chance to reevaluate what you want to do with your life. It sounds like you are still interested in coding, and making games, but life is just being a dick to you right now. Do you have any other interests or hobbies? Something that is completely unrelated to computers? If not, get some! For me, it's riding my motorcycle and watching movies.

And I just realized what that quote is from. Billy Madison! Another poster here (initials CM, I believe Conner McCloud) used that quote to reply to one of my posts and I couldn't recall where it came from.

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To cite my all time favourite film "Life of Brian" :

Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad
Other things can make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble -- give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best, and...

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing, and...

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life

Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word
We must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin
Enjoy it -- it's your last chance anyhow, so...

Always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true
You can see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you, and...

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life...

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Thanks guys, I really appreciate the positivity! [grin]

Feeling a little better about it; I'll probably figure out something to do... heh; I couldn't even program a binary probability summation program on my calculator last night... apparently recursively defining a variable creates an unterminating loop?... wtf

Oh well; I hope I can do all that by pen-and-paper on the stats test coming up [razz] Just takes a whole long time

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