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An Open Letter to Steven Spielberg

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johnhattan

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Note, spoilers for crappy movies follow. . .




Dear Mr. Spielberg,

This is a note to request back the $11 and 238 minutes of my life that you wasted with the back-to-back crapfests that were A.I. and Jurassic Park III.

Let me explain. . .

  • The whole "Rouge City" sequence was as unnecessary as the "pod racer" sequence in the latest Star Wars. If you'd like to show off fancy computer graphics, just send me some 8x10's and don't waste my time.
  • The whole concept of having to make up a "blue fairy" poem to lure the boy back to the company is beyond ridiculous. For about $400, I can buy a gizmo for my car that'll allow it to be tracked from anywhere in the country, and I can get that today. Apparently such technology becomes unavailable in the future, so you must make up convoluted poems to retrieve your company's most valuable prototype products.
  • The whole bit with the moon-balloon and the "flesh fair". See entry number one. This movie could've been a full hour shorter without losing anything.
  • If the boy robot can play back everything he sees (as seen at the end of the movie), then why can't the sex-robot-guy do the same thing to prove that he didn't kill the woman?
  • Congratulations for coming up with an ending that's even more contrived and more poorly thought-out than the one in The Abyss. As if the stuff above wasn't bad enough, the whole bit about retrieving the contents of people's brains as encoded in the cosmos and putting 'em back in cloned bodies (but only for a day) is too ridiculous even for fairy-tales.


Honestly, Steven. You've supposedly had this script for 15 years, and it had bigger plot-holes than Battlefield Earth. If you can't fix a script in 15 years, then you really need re-evaluate whether or not the movie should be made. Did Kubrick actually provide you with the script for this film, or did you find it in the dumpster behind his house?

Furthermore. . .

  • Velociraptors are supposed to be scary killers, not humans that just happen to look like reptiles. How scary would Jaws have been if Richard Dreyfuss could have simply talked the shark out of killing people?
  • If you want me to be scared by a killer dinosaur, you have to make me care for the person he's trying to kill. All of the characters in the movie were so annoying that I was begging the dinosaurs to eat 'em.
  • Special effects are supposed to get better as the sequels go, not worse. The hang-gliding sequences in Jurassic Park III were as authentic-looking as Elvis Presley's water-skiing sequences in Clambake.
  • Dinosaurs aren't too scary if a little boy can live among them for two months.
  • In order for a dinosaur to scare me, it must do something other than slowly flail about next to a crane.


In conclusion, I await a check for $11. As for the 238 minutes, I'd like you to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark and Jaws to remind you of the years-gone-by when you were capable of producing movies that weren't dopey sap-fests.

Thanks in advance.



John Hattan.
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