I was smart enough to take the advice of the Gdnet members that were imparted upon me last week, and decided to make myself a noodle costume to wear to my first day on the job. I could see a grand vision of me walking into my first day of work and being praised as the noodle saviour, the one who was spoken of in a prophecy millions of years ago. I had no idea what I would do after this, but I am sure that by this stage they would be blinded by the pure wonder and joy of me starting work for them anyway, so I would be free to do what I please.
So, the first step was to plan the suit. I wanted to make sure that I set myself a goal that could be obtained by the day I was to start, and as such sketched the following design.
This was perhaps the most perfect noodle suit ever created. If knowledge is power, and power is a noodle suit, and I am knowledge, then this noodle suit was perfection. Or something. Ok, I kinda lost my train of though there. The fumes from the paint I bought for the noodle suit are starting to make me woozy, and my room doesn't have any windows. I tried painting some on, but now it just looks even more depressing. Plus my attempt to paint the windows on with the paint I bought is now in turn making me dizzy. Maybe I can try and paint some more windows to get rid of the fumes. Oh great, now I can't feel anything from my body down.
Next step! Start construction. This was perhaps the easiest of the entire project, since all I had to do was get the parts and build it. This turned out to be a bit tricker than expected. My call to the local warehouse didn't go exactly as planned though:
Me: Hello, I need something that will allow me to power a suit of noodles
Warehouse guy: Umm..ok?
Me: What do you have in the way of portable generators that I can fit in a backpack
Warehouse guy: Well..we have generators but they wont fit in a backpack
Me: So...so why do they make them? How the hell am I supposed to use them! This place is a sham! Do they not even know their market? I'm calling back with a bomb threat!
Warehouse guy: what?
Me:...So what are you wearing...
Well it was a waste of a phone call I know that much. No generator, no progress on the noodle suit, and all I got was a date with Bill from the warehouse. He was really nice though, like he turned up in his truck and we sat and watched the stars for hours. Or at least I think we did...it could of actually been a porn film I watched in my own head. Come to think of it, there isn't even a warehouse anywhere near where I live either...
By this stage I was running out of time. I was due to start work the next morning, and I had made no progress on my noodle suit. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and the measures of this drastic where quite large to say the least. In a moment of inspiration, I grabbed the nearest piece of paper, and proceeded to work on the noodle suit like never before. My hands moved like the wind, cutting and pasting like never before. Soon I had a noodle suit to be proud of.
I jumped in my car and began to drive to my first day of work. I could already imagine the entire farm being handed over to me on my first day as they where stunned by my brilliant level of dedication I had to noodle farming. Unfortunately I was running a bit late by this stage and decided that I better pick up the pace, starting to do a bit over the speed limit..well..at least I assume I was speeding. My car doesn't actually have a speedometer anymore, so I pretty much just go by how many pieces are falling of my car at any given speed. By now the side mirrors where rattling out of their joints, so I figured I must be doing at least half the speed limit which is a new record for this car. I thought I was going to make it when a familiar purple and green set of lights flashed behind me. Cops.
DAMN! I didn't need this. I was hoping to get out of the ticket by talking my way out of it, but somewhere in the process of telling the officer to 'respect my noodle' and attempting to grab his gun he must of slipped and doogled me. Twice. And threw me in the cop car. And drove me down to the station. By accident.
I asked the officer if I could do this update instead of my only phone call and he agreed. The problem is that I still have to be at the farm in 30 minutes! I am going back to my cell shortly, so should I:
A) Call on the powers of the noodle suit and Jackie Chan my way out of the police station
B) Fake my own death through a complicated plan involving a pen and a fax machine
C) Get Clancy, the inmate the size of an elephant, on my side and ride him out of the police station