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## Deep thoughts

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I'm going to try to start working on Lazteroids 2 a bit more actively. I don't know how, but I'm going to try.

I wish I knew WHY I couldn't focus on things I want to do. I come home from work and usually end up just starting Visual Studio and staring at my code for a moment, then get sidetracked by either a game, or a website, or something of that matter. I really want to get Lazteroids 2 done, but I can't.

I'm usually hard on myself about things I do. I suck at everything, blah blah blah. But there are these times where I look at what I *HAVE* made. I made a really sweet tile editor and a display engine to go along with it. It's tile based. We used it for a megaman clone in school. It could easily be made to make ANY tile-based 2D platformer, really. It's pretty good. I also made a swift lookin particle editor (though it's very basic, wish I could make a more advanced one. Maybe for Lazteroids 2 I will try). I made a sweet tile-based track editor that can create a random track. I was part of an extremely cool final project for Full Sail. I made a cool asteroids clone (Lazteroids) for school in less than a week (We had two, but I procrastinated). I just recently made a nice maze generator that looks spiffy. I could also get into the awesomeness PHP scripts that I have written, but now it sounds like I'm arrogant, so i'll shut up about that.

The point is, the things that I *do* make, aren't that bad. When I get around to it, I'm actually good at what I do. But until that gets done, I'm extremely hard on myself and can't find any motivation to do it.

Some might say "Write down what you want to do in pieces, break it out." Well that's easier said than done. And even if I did, that doesn't mean i'd be motivated enough to actually tackle that list.

Sometimes I blame all this on the chance that I might have Adult ADD. I do have the symptoms of it, and my mother has questioned whether she has it or not. We have al ot of the same symptoms. Easily distracted, not much motivation a lot of times, can't concentrate. I don't know, maybe I should try to get tested for it when the insurance from work kicks in, but that doesn't mean it'd fix anything. *IF* I do have it, there i no cure for it. It's not like I can take Ridalin(sp?) or something for it. It's a nasty beast that I need to tackle on my own. Some people even argue of the existance of such a thing. "Adult ADD, peh. You're just lazy and don't have any self discipline." Yeah, I've heard it before. It's different when you see things from my point of view though.

Maybe if my life were perfect things would be different. Having a job that I love, having a marriage that is argument free, never having to worry about financial stuff, making sure family is okay, etc etc... It's a lot of stress at times and sometimes I think the stress doesn't go away. I feel better, but does that mean that it's actually gone? Or is it still eating away at me? I don't know. Stress sucks. Maybe being stress-free would help clear my mind and help me focus. Who knows.

This journal entry was supposed to be about something completely different, but it turned into this. I promise next time I will have something more interesting. For those of you who stayed and read all of this, thanks for listening, much appreciated.

Take care.
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I know exactly how you feel about working on stuff, I'm the same way, even to the point that I too was wondering about ADD or something. I spent more time with VS open staring at the code (or have a web browser or something in front of it) for Radical Racers than I did actualy writing code. I eventually finished but it took me 3 years lol.

If you're like me you're all gung-ho for like the first week or two on a project, then all but forget about it for a long time. I'm currently trying to figure out how to fix this also. I'm good at working on stuff for school or if there's a deadline, but I'd just be kidding myself if I tried to impose a deadline on myself for a personal project.

Anyway, if I figure out how to solve this I'll let you know, you'll let me know if you figure it out right? :)

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