Well it's been a few days since I stole Betty, the prize-winning noodle, and a lot has happened since then. The word Boobs not only fails to describe the situation, but is highly inappropriate too.
So when I last updated, Clancy was standing outside the farm waiting patiently. I needed to say show him my appreciation, but I had no idea how. I pondered the situation much like a General might ponder why he just sent his entire army to their doom because he got confused which way his army was heading after tea break. I figured it would be best to ask the owner of the farm if she had any ideas on what the greatest noodle gift ever was, and she told me a wondrous story of Betty, the noodle which got to the moon first, which cured polio, and now resides in a glass jar writing its memoirs. I asked her if I could talk to Betty, thinking that maybe in its infinite wisdom it could recommend me a good gift. She nodded in agreement, which by a lucky coincidence was in response to the very question I had just asked.
As she lead me down to the back of the farm, she warned me that Betty could get quite stroppy, which was something I found quite odd for a noodle in a glass jar. How would this noodle get angry? It failed to have any basic life functions, and lacked but a single mouth or brain. Of course, this is in direct contradiction to the sentences I wrote above whereby I was expecting to ask Betty for advice, there by creating a plot hole so large, it has now destroyed any premise of this story being realistic, unlike the book below:
As we reached the door of the garden shed, I felt a shiver come over me, not unlike a shiver that might come over you when you are the character in a fictional story. As my boss opened the door, I saw Betty in the dark shadows at the back of the shed, which unlike normal shadows were coloured black. I walked closer, looking at Betty in her glass prison, which was only 10 inches high, with a single, normal looking noodle lying flat on the bottom. The site that I saw shocked me, and in retrospect has nothing to do picture shown here, which is simply a gay sailor:
I asked my boss if I could have some alone time with Betty, which she agreed to and left the shed. I wondered how long this noodle had been lying here, since it had to be at least 10 or 20 years. I pondered this for a while, eventually coming to the conclusion that it would probably age much like a fine wine, cheese, or even the gay sailor as shown above. This was the gift I knew Clancy would love! I had to get Betty too him! I slowly lifted the glass case open, grabbing Betty and putting her in my pocket. I could see a window at the back of the shed, which was illuminated by a beam of light which seemed to be coming out of the floor, shooting straight out the window, and going right back to the sun itself. Making my way up onto some old boxes, I squeezed my way through the window, tumbling out onto the ground outside. Having a quick look around, I could see that my boss had already gone back inside, leaving me a clear chance to run to Clancy. Using all my skills as the egg and spoon race world champion, I took off to meet Clancy.
As I reached the road where Clancy was, I found him looking very odd. To be more precise, he wasn't there. While I was gone he had somehow slipped into another dimension, thereby rendering my puny human eyes unable to locate him. Looking around for him, I started to panic, and began jogging down the road to find the temporal shift device I had assumed he had to of set up somewhere. As I looked around, I heard a shout come to the farm next door to where I was to work. CLANCY!
Running up the driveway, I could hear commotion coming from inside the house. I ran to the house, threw open the door, and found, of all things, Clancy sitting in a chair drinking tea with some old man.
"Hey thar, I wants you to be meeting someone ah know" Said Clancy
"It be ma great Uncle! Shake hands with the old man now"
As I shook hands with the old man, he asked me what I was doing in these parts, and how I knew Clancy. I explained that the farm next door, which seemed to annoy Clancys uncle somewhat, had employed me.
"What are ya doing with those crooks! Clancy knows that I have the best damn noodle farm in this town! Why, if it wasn't for that damn noodle in their shed giving them all the attention with the me-de-ah, I reckon we could beat them. At least, Clancy will one day when he inherits this farm." he said
"He must mean Betty!" I thought aloud, taking her out of my pocket and showing it to him. His uncle stood up instantly, looking more excited than I had ever seen him in my entire life. As he ran over to grab it from me, out of nowhere my boss came bursting in the door, which was in a complete contradiction of the fact that she had in fact come from somewhere; the door. She yelled at me, telling me to give Betty back to her, and without warning started to charge towards me. In a moment of panic, I froze, still holding out the noodle in my hand. As my boss leapt at me, Clancy jumped in the way between me and her, knocking her across the room and into his uncle. As they both toppled to the floor, I did the only thing I could think of: I ate Betty.
My boss looked at me in horror, and told me that I had just made an enemy that day, and after picking herself up off the floor walked out the door. WE WON! I cheered, running over the Clancy. But all was not good.
As I write this, it turns out that Clancy has indeed inherited the noodle farm after the sad demise of his uncle. He indeed plans to run it in his honour, and now that Betty is out of the picture we have a good chance at beating that farm of bastards next door, becoming the best damn noodle farm in town! Better yet, he said he wants me to help him work on the farm!
So as our first order of business, there are a few things we could do:
A) Enter in the annual Noodle Farm Showdown which is next week, just to beat the farm next door (sneaky tactics may be afoot)
B) Run tryouts to employ a third person on the farm, despite any lack of actual skills on anyone's part
C) Enter Clancy into the underground illegal wrestling scene, using the money we win to upgrade the hell out of the farm.
