My week began like any other. With Monday. But unlike previous Mondays and the subsequent days that so often follow, this day I had work to do. Me and Clancy were getting very far behind with our bills, and we needed money fast. Through the wise advice of Gdnet members, I had decided that in order to actually use the noodles that we were growing on the farm, and to pay off the many bills, I would create a drink. I would create a noodle drink so fantastic this dimension would explode in awe.
But before I began my foray into the exciting world of noodle beverages, I needed to understand how noodles worked. I needed to find out the inner most secrets of the noodle, and then exploit them for my own personal greed. I gave Clancy a wave goodbye and skipped off down to the library. I was full of entrails and excitement, and couldn't wait to find out about the wonderful world of noodles. Arriving at the library, I was pleased to see it was one of the better-looking buildings in our town:
I walked up to the woman at the counter and said I was looking for information on noodles, and asked how would I find it.
'With your eyes' she said.
BA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS A JOKE! I think. I didn't really get it, but I laughed anyway.
She quickly showed me to the small TV they had in the corner, or at least where the corner should be. I loaded up the documentary on noodles, which for you viewing discomfort has been turned into a transcript below.
Noodles are a peculiar species. As long as they are wide, the two are rarely the same. But the similarities don't end there. The confusing world of noodles has been a topic that has been both discussed and debated for many years, but this introduction has hardly the time to look at any of those topics. In fact, this introduction should merely be a lead up to the facts that will be talked about in this documentary, in which case this has already gone for too long. Start body of documentary.
Noodles come in many forms, as can be seen
But not here:
The history of noodles dates back to prehistoric times, when plant-eating dinosaurs were known as vegetarians. How dinosaurs were able to use this term, let alone know of then English language in the first place, is unknown. What is known though is that while the first noodles were created by dinosaurs, the traditions were quickly passed onto their ancestors, the Chinese.
But where Dinosaurs lacked stove tops and mass transit subway systems, the Chinese excelled. The subways alone are able to transport far more people in a standard carriage than you could carry a regular Dinosaur, proving yet again the social engineering ineptitude of these creatures, and the reason for their eventual extinction. Of course, this is all dependent on the size of the carriage, and chances are if Dinosaurs were to use its own mass transits system, it would be quite stupid of them to approve the construction of a subway system that is far too small for anyone to use but a race of people not to be created for millions of years afterwards. Yes, it can be seen quite clearly why Dinosaurs failed at evolution, unlike other animals like Volcanoes and Floods which can still be seen today. Goodbye Dinosaurs, and noodles for that matter. We salute you.
With the information from this documentary, I was all set. Returning home I quickly, I felt I like my brain was making sweet love with the knowledge of noodles that now flirted in my brain. I knew what I had to do. Running to the kitchen, I began grabbing ingredients from around the house I would need to make my drink. Perhaps the trickiest part of the process was getting the noodles to bubble, and I knew only a great experiment would complete this goal. The record of my research can be seen below.
Sorry, I was going to say something here. It's actually the line below this one.
8am: In order to get the noodles to bubble, I need to look at what else bubbles. Like water! As such, the noodles will probably need to be heated so much they begin to boil for the duration they are inside the bottle, and the duration it is drunk. But how?
9am: I have rigged up a solution involving a two microwaves with their doors pried open, and a bowl of noodles sitting in the middle. Left for long enough, the noodles should become superheated and turn into a bubbling liquid.
10am: Although the noodles didn't boil, I have noticed just how dirty my skull is once the skin comes off. I've managed to rig up a solution with sticky tape to hold my face back on.
11am: Begin search for next ingredient: Gun powder. I know there has to be some somewhere. By stuffing the noodles with gun powder and heating them slowly, a slow boil should occur.
12am: On hold due to police raid
1pm: I have an idea. I have filled a bottle with fertiliser and noodles. I will add a quarter of fuel, and close the lid as fast as I can. All theories correct, the explosion should cause bubbles.
SUCCESS! I was able to hold the explosion in the bottle with my remaining fingers, causing the bottle to remain fizzy. Plus, the fuel mixed with the noodles really give the drink quite a kick. You can really taste the noodles. I think. Your tongue really starts burning after a while. FROM THE GREAT TASTE I BET!
My dream of 'Noodle-Energy' has come true. Tomorrow I shall travel to the city with my new drink and make it big. But before I go, I have a few options for when I go to the city tomorrow:
A) Promote my drink through a one man marching band parade down Main Street
B) Con my way into a board meeting in a high profile company
C) Play host to an illegal fireworks display in central square, giving free drinks to all who attend
D) Try to make a deal with a radio station that I will do anything, as long as they advertise my drink