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The Return

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So I'm back. I left in a childish rage which is thoroughly embarassing in retrospect, but as they say; live and learn.

I've been pretty busy with my life, and I don't even touch my home computer for more than about 10 minutes a day anymore (usually I don't even use it at all).

Anyway. I've been doing some serious introspection, and I've realised that I've been taking this whole "life" thing the wrong way. Yeah, I've been told this a million times; most notably by Mr. Hattan, who thinks that I take life entirely too seriously. I always found that difficult to believe, but apparently that's only because of the limited amount of human contact I've had over the years. If I compare myself to my family and my friends, I am NOT a serious person at all.

But when I compare myself to 99% of the world... hmmm.

I bought a book.

Surprisingly, it's not filled with a bunch of faith-based mumbo-jumbo, but a purely logical perspective on things, and it all makes sense to me.

All my life, I've lived trying to make other people happy. My parents, who said I'd never get anywhere; I wrote three books trying to impress them. After they said the first one was a fluke and a "pathetic hobby", I decided to write another, to prove them wrong. When that failed to please them, I took on another.

I lost three years of my life to writing, just trying to make them happy. I fucking hated writing. It was boring, stressful, and not worth the money. AT ALL.

I don't even particularly like programming; much less game programming. Hell, I don't even like computer games, outside of the occasional Popcap delight.

Writing, programming, and computers, do not make me happy. Arguing about politics to people who are as set in their ways as I am does not make me happy. Working my ass off for money does not make me happy.

What makes me happy?

I know Legos do; music, exploring in my car (I've put on 5000 miles in the past month alone), being with friends, watching movies, reading books, learning things, model rockets, RC cars, exercising. These things make me happy, and that's what I've been doing with my life for the past month.

I've started exercising regularly again. Last year I had a really good run for about 7 months that kind of tapered out when my relationship woes began, but I've learned that you can't let shit like that affect you negatively. I've only biked 150 miles thus far, but I'm trying to ramp it up and my new plan is to do an average of 3.5 hours of biking per week at the bare minimum. I'm thinking of doing an alternating day plan, where I work out every other day: an hour per day on the weekdays, and on one of the weekend days I'll do 1.5 or more, depending on what I have planned for the weekend.

I'm hoping to drop myself down to a 38 waist within 2 years. Two years ago I was a 52 waist, and I dropped myself down to a 42 about a year ago, but over the winter I put myself back up to a 46. Unfortunately, once you lose the largest amount of weight, it just gets tougher to lose more from then on; but it'll be worth it.

I do have a problem though; I still end up dropping into my "woeful fits of pity-me". I'm not really sure why I do it; but if you know me, then you know I do it. Poor me, have sympathy for me. Logic tells me that I have a wonderful life. I have full use of every part of my body, I have a comfortable living situation, I never have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, and so on. But emotionally I still find myself thinking that I am worthless and my life sucks so much and so on, and I'm having a real big problem not thinking this way.

Has anyone ever dealt with this, and if so, how have you gotten over it?
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Sounds like an interesting discovery for someone who was just released from jail...

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Welcome back, sparky. Glad to see you got all introspective and stuff.

Myself, I can't will myself happy when I'm in a funk. When I get sad, all I can do is constantly remind myself that the state is temporary and allow myself to be sad until it goes away.

Oh, and read A Confederacy of Dunces. I don't know how many times I've gotta recommend this book before you read it. That and The Book of the Subgenius have molded my psyche more than any other works.

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I think you worry too much about what other people think about you. I have the same problem also sometimes. Who doesn't? It's hard not to because we all want to feel accepted. Anyway, it's time to be more selfish and do more of what you want in my opinion. "Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!" Just look at Tom Cruise.. LOL. Well enough of my pop psychology.

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I'm a Christian, and I live for Christ. The difference is amazing. But either way, as long as you don't live for other people, just live for yourself, God, or possibly a loved one (wife).

Embrace it, and laugh at those around you who are looking at you weird for living that way. I honestly take humor when other people try to make fun of my way of life - because it simply affirms that I'm doing something right.

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Your books are awesome. Don't you have at least some pride when you see someone reading them in the bookstore?

All of the fun things you listed in there are fun, but that's all they are... Fun. You have to turn them into a hobby and find something else that you can use as a tool to make money. You've already found your tool, use it!

As for the religious stuff in here, one of my friends/acquaintances is buddhist and she doesn't force it onto you at all. She won't even bring it up.... Such an awesome way of life. Sadly, I don't have the time for anything like that.

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Hey that Art of Happiness book is a good one. I listened to it on tape a few years back. It basically says what Mr. Hattan said about being sad - when you're sad just know it will have an end as all emotions / everything does. I've been a buddhist for like 9.211 bazillion lifetimes [grin] and I still have sucky feelings (...thinking that I am worthless and my life sucks so much and so on...), but I just realize that they are temporary and take some comfort in that knowing. Glad you're back! [smile]

Exercise is always good.

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I will tell you now that you are not looking for happiness. You are instead looking for joy. I don't know whether or not you currently know the distinction, but I am confident that you will.

Legos, music, new places, friends, movies, books, education, model rockets, rc cars, and exercising are ultimately just as empty as your former hiding places were, they only seem fulfilling because they still have novelty left.

But let me tell you that there is something that fulfills and doesn't grow tired. Hopefully, you'll find it, and won't resist as much as I did when it was presented to me.

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