It was midnight as I sat there, clinging to the tree. I had to get out of this city before the zombie-pandas found me. Although my chances of beating one of them in hand to hand combat was as slim as my chances of winning a fight against them, I had two advantages. One, I possessed a great deal of knowledge on pandas, and two, I was not dead. This handy feature, passed on by my parents on my second birthday, had come in useful many times before. By not being dead, I was able to increase my cell count, growing larger as I did with age. By now I had fully working limbs, which, as fate would have it, I intended to use today.
Remembering the information I knew on Pandas, I began to think of a weakness that I could exploit, one of them being that I knew they came from China. Pandas I mean, not my ideas. Being from China, I knew that Pandas were used to living in sub-artic temperatures, along with its close related cousin, the penguin. The similarities between these two animals is remarkable. For example, they both start with the letter P, and end in the letter A (assuming you are mis-spelt Penguins). The other thing I knew about Pandas was that they were quite stupid when it came to noises, and if you make a noise they will always go to check it out. A kid once told me that. He also told me that if you cover a snake's face with your hands, it won't bite you because it will think its night-time. As can be seen with this photo of a snake below, which was taken at night-time, it is not moving.
So if Pandas are quite stupid when it comes wanting to check out any noise, I could use this to my advantage. I remembered that as a child, I had a very special talent. Once my mother had asked to me come inside out of the hail storm, and at the exact same time my brother happened to say 'dogs on fire', I said "okay'. Somehow my voice travelled all the way inside, and my mother turned to my brother and said 'what?', thinking I was standing right there. I don't know how or why I have the gift to make my voice travel distances like that, but I know one thing for sure; that I was given it to make a difference.
I climbed down from the tree I was in using the pre-existing limbs I mentioned earlier, and started walking towards the edge of the park where the city was still being terrorised by the zombie-pandas. If I was able to make it to the subway, I might be able to get far enough to the edge of the city to make it home. Unfortunately, the subway steps were surrounded by zombie-pandas, which was odd, because I would not have suspected an invading zombie force to bother with the troublesome practise of public transport. I could not see any of them reading time-tables, which even for a zombie-panda, is a pretty reckless thing to do. Regardless of the lack of planning that these zombie-pandas seemed to fail to possess, I needed to get them to move. I inched closer to the pack of pandas, closed my eyes, concentrated, and yelled "That brick looks like Elvis!".
The pandas looked around, and after finishing their meal on the bus-driver that lay dead on the ground and putting their cutlery away, began to move in the direction I threw my voice. I began to slowly move towards the subway steps, as the pandas wandered away from me, thereby increasing their distance from me. This was quite handy, and if it wasn't for the fact that I happened to be sprung on by this hell-spawned creature, I would have been fine:
The cat had leapt from the tree near me, and gripped onto my face like the devil-baby creature it was. I pried it from my face, just as it started to sprout wings and spew blood at me, and I was able to throw it in the opposite direction that would lead to my face. As the devil-cat flew away from me, its devil-tail whipped me in the eye, causing me to scream and fall backwards down the stairs.
I tumbled down the stairs, smacking my head on the railing to increase my speed, falling into a collapsed heap at the bottom. I could hear the growls of the Pandas at the top of the stairs, and I knew I didn't have much time, due to the fact I was planning on dying at 95 years old. This left me a measly 72 years to do whatever I was going to do left. I turned and ran further into the subway. Remains of people from the Zombie-Pandas where everywhere, but I had no time to stop and loot them. Actually that's a lie. But by now, after pocketing some money and a hat I found, the pandas were only just around the corner, their scary shadows, illuminated by conveniently placed lighting, covering the walls in typical comedic fashion where the shadows look really big, but it turns out that there is really a midget around the corner. Unfortunately due to union pressure, this kind of work for midgets is unsuitable, and this joke is not allowed anymore. Regardless, it suddenly became apparent to me that I might not make it to the subway platform before the zombie-pandas catch me. I had a decision to make:
1/A. Jump into the ticket booth and refuse them entry on the basis they have no tickets.
2/B. Hide in one of the storage lockers
3/C. In true MacGyver style, make up some roller-skates to get to the platform using belt buckles and pen lids
