Over time, you have no doubt played various video games, and you have arrived at a point where you are convinced you can do better. World of Warcraft? Terrible. Half Life 2? Boring. If only the developers had listened to you, maybe your brilliant game ideas could have saved them from the mediocre software they release time and time again.
But how can you show these companies that they are wrong? By making your OWN game! Then, once they are all begging for spare change as you ride over them in your chariot of diamonds, they will look at you with respect.
This is where the Help Wanted forum comes in. By now you probably have a rough idea of what kind of game you want to make, but don't know just where to go from there. The guide below will step you through the process of recruiting a team, and ensuring your ideas become fully fleshed out games, ready to be unleashed upon the world like a warmed up porn star.
The game concept:
So you already have some ideas for different games that you think will work. Instead of making three of four different games, just combine every good idea into one colossal title! For example, the world is just craving a World War II sports game. Or what about a FPS version of Tetris?
A rally driving point and click adventure. Are you excited?
Creating the thread:
So now you need to recruit programmers, artists, sound engineers, caterers, car washers. Basically, any job you can think of you will need at some point or another, so it's better to recruit them now than later. You may have noticed that we still haven't fleshed out the game any more than before, but don't worry; this comes later.
The Team Name:
First of you need a team name that will gain attention. Remember that people will only skim past these, so it is crucial this grabs their attention. Also, it needs to accurately show just how awesome your team is. Is your team awesome? OF COURSE IT IS! That's why people must know just how great you really are!
Examples:
Awesome games
EXRTEEEEEME games
Evangelion rawks!!!9 - This is good, because people like Evangelion.
Below Average software - This one is bad. It suggests your life may be daily a misery, your wife has left you, and nobody wants to work with someone who has erection problems.
A description of your game:
This is where you type out your concept. Try not to write more than 1 line, because the forums only have limited space as it is, and all those extra words will grind the entire site to a halt, meaning nobody ever gets to see your idea.
Following the example above, the words "A game with sports, but in a war. The second one. You know that one? It was the sequel" will be fine. In fact, this is maybe a little too precise. Those who do not like wars or sports will find your help wanted ad unappealing, and will probably become so enraged, their wife will 'fall down the stairs' like last week. Do you want that on your conscious? An even better example would be:
"A game with the and but awesome".
This way, none of your potential new team mates will be turned off by unwanted themes. Unless they don't speak English.
Screenshots:
In order to show the forum members you are serious, it is very important you show some screenshots of what the game looks like. Since you actually have nothing to show yet since you have no programmers, concept art will do fine. Even the biggest game companies in the world use concept art, and look at the games they are able to make. You know what the Brooklyn bridge started with? Concept art! Bet you didn't know that little secret! Now you can take this hidden power and use it to create works usually only the empire like game companies can usually create. The members on the forum will be so amazed at this, expect to be inundated with letters full of man mess at your home address.
Compensation:
No doubt at some point, some of the worst troll posting members on the forum are going to ask how you are paying people for their work. What they really mean to say is that, due to their own insecurities, they believe there is a small chance that your game won't be making $3 million by the next financial year! Whenever anyone asks this, make sure you respond in the only language they understand: Pure anger. Make sure they realise that they will be payed not if, but when your game goes Triple turbo platinum. You should be typing so fast with such a seething hatred for humanity, grammar doesn't even become an issue.
Example:
"YOU IDIOT! Il pay yu when the game sells. Are you saying it wont?! I DON'T WANT YOU ON THE PROJECT ANYWAY! Just get lost and stop ruining this thread. My game is going to go Triple turbo platinum, and when it does and I am living in luxury, Il make sure to spit on yu when I pass you in the gutters. Because yu will be living there. Because your a hobo. Like, cause your poor. Because I never hired yu."
Attempting to trick members into visiting goatse at this point is highly advised.
Technology:
A lot of game companies make the mistake of only releasing their game on one platform, or releasing it with specs so high, nobody can actually play it. When posting your help wanted ad, remember that potential team members keep an eye out for this stuff, and don't want to be involved in a project nobody can play.
This is especially true when advertising MMORPG's. In order to avoid this, never reveal details of what hardware you have access too, or if you happen to post details by accident, never reveal where it came from. This is because most forum members are vapid blood drinking criminals who will steal your hardware at first chance they get. Posting just how you plan to get hold of the hardware, or proof you already have it, will cause them to get your IP address, which leads them straight to where you live.
On the topic of cross platform games, just remember this: Everything is written in DarkBasic (hence the reason the Xbox and PS2 are painted dark colours). By the time you finish writing your game (or rather, your programmers have), they will find it very easy to copy and paste the code to a blank DVD for these systems. PSP's and GBA's are just like normal consoles, just with less colours.
Positions available:
Now comes the part where you detail what members you need on your team. Just copy and paste the template below, since every game requires only these people.
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4 programmers
1 artist
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Website:
Some people may want to see your website for further information. If ever asked, just say "we are currently making one". On a related note, never make one. They are a waste of time and just let people hack your game.
By now you should have a very well presented thread to be submitted. At this stage, I suggest upgrading your internet connection to a network cable running into your ISP to cope with the amount of applications you will get. You will soon be on your way to an easy life, so be ready to start submitting threads claiming you have a fully formed team in a few hours (even if you don't, still post this anyway. It will make the position seem even MORE tempting). Also, don't be surprised if your thread gets closed. It is expected that the servers will crash under the enormous amount of submissions you will receive, so closing the thread is the only way to save the site.
Good luck!
Ordered to be destroyed by court order
Forgot to put the options. I can't actually think of anything to do next week, probably because I am a bit of a rush at the moment. Heck, I might just leave it up to you guys. Just post any stupid crap you want me to write about, and I'll do my best to strip any humour from it in next weeks update.
-IV