Much like a buncha Dianetics knockoffs sprung from Hubbard's lamebrained idea about engrams and reactive minds and such (mainly because he wasn't smart enough to start the thing out as a trademark-protected religion, hence Scientology), I have decided to take a lamebrained religion and create a better one from it.
I am starting The First Discount Cryobaptist Church. It is an extension and improvement of the original (and wildly successful) Cryobaptist Church. Much like the way that Dianetics was flawed and required refinement to become the crooked money-pump that it is today, Cryobaptism must also be refined in order to gain more adherents than it currently has today (i.e. more than one).
Cryobaptism's main weakness is that it's the most expensive religion in existence. Cryobaptism requires posthumous head-freezing, which is a process that costs tens of thousands of dollars. Even Scientology or Amway don't have the nards to charge that kind of money at the onset --they wait a few months then spring the big tutorial-fees on you.
After doing a bit of research and experimentation at the Hattan Cult Compound, I have discovered a discount alternative. With the First Discount Cryobaptist Church, you don't need to worship your own frozen head. You can actually worship any frozen head. The most suitable frozen head available for Discount Cryobaptist rituals is the Carvel Cookie Puss. It's available at 8,600 locations nationwide and costs approximately $19,985 less than freezing your own head (provided you have a coupon).
As we can't just create religions without testing them, we put our newfound dogma to the test. Here is the official Frozen Head(tm) that we purchased. . .
One item we're still researching is the proper flavor for the nose, as the Carvel Frozen Head Artisans(tm) give you a choice of flavors, and freedom of choice is generally out of step with conventional religion (which The First Discount Cryobaptist Church certainly is). This particular one has a nose of pistachio ice-cream. We'll do a little more research until we find the One True Flavor.
Upon taking the Frozen Head(tm) into our home, we prepared ourselves for the official worship ritual. Our Day Of Frozen Head Consumption (DOFHC) amazingly corresponded to the day of Shelly's birthday, although I don't think birthdays are required for Frozen Head Consumption (FHC). Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs would also be appropriate.
Shelly had the option to keep the ritual to herself, but since she is generous to a fault (and there's about three pounds of ice cream there), she did share it with her husband and daughter.
Our initial tests proved promising, although we didn't have enough religious adherents to consume the entire head in one sitting. After about three days in the freezer, there was no Frozen Head(tm) remaining, and its protective shroud (okay, a cardboard box) could finally be discarded, leaving only happy memories of its consumption.
If anyone can come up with a similarly contrived set of "Commandments" for The First Discount Cryobaptist Church, please post them as comments.
I'm thinking we're on to something big here.
Okay, maybe not.
Anywho, I tried finding an audio clip from the commercials with no luck, so they know not of the horrors... yet (but I had all intentions of posting one here). =(
BTW, to make your religion sound more credible, you should add in something like "...and on the 26th day of reckoning, Tom Carvel rose from the dead" or sumthin'. A religion just isn't a religion until you add in stuff that can only be explained by the person that started it all. Once you have the multitudes walking around, shrugging and saying stuff to eachother like, "The cake works in mysterious ways", you've successfully delivered on spirituality. [grin]