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Teh Storyline!

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HopeDagger

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Alright, so I took some time to write up a storyline for the game tonight. Nothing is set in stone, but I'd like some feedback on the current storyline. I'm still stumped for a name, though. :)

Quote:

I remember a time where things were different. A time that feels like so very long ago. A time before my homeworld's sky was coloured crimson red by saturating toxic gasses. A time before the great vast seas crisscrossing my planet's surface were drained dry by the utterly massive Hydronaut starships of the Almach Empire. A time when I lived in peace and prosperity with hundreds of millions of fellow human beings -- before that number dwindled down to the few thousand. Those of us that still cling on to the fainting strands of life that remain in this dieing world we survive on.

I wish I could say that our world was the only one that suffered this fate. If that were the case, then maybe I would be able to tolerate it. That perhaps our planet sucked clean of its resources and very life essence would serve as a sacrifice for the rest of the galaxy to live peacefully. Alas, this is not the case. The almighty and fearsome Almach Empire's consumption of our world is only one of the hundreds that have fallen victim to their infinite thirst. Minerals torn right from the ground by colossal magnetic field generators on their ships; the oceans depleted; and the list goes on. It is only by the cruel virtue they call "mercy" that they left a small percentage of the oxygen to allow us to continue living in this hell they have forged for us.

But we are not helplessly doomed. We refuse to die in this barren wasteland that this collective of betrayers -- fellow humans! - the ones that call themselves the Almach Empire - have wrought. None of the victims of their vampiric acts will simply accept defeat and lay down to die. With every newly barren planet added to the list of casualties by this inhuman empire, we grow more numerous and more powerful. On our world, we're using what little supplies that we have left to construct transport ships based on plans sent to us by factions on other fallen worlds. We're doing our part in working forward towards a united force to strike against the Almach Empire, and crush their foul work with swift justice.

We hear lots of rumours and stories about this grotesquely large Empire - no, beast. Passing trader convoys or other faction ships tell us horrific stories about them. The Almach Empire is made up of one thousand times the population of all of the factions combined. The Almach Empire consumes about one trillion litres of water every day. The Almach Empire will continue its destruction of the galaxy until every last bit of life is taken and consumed by its inhabitants. Built on the enormous frozen-sun world of Horates-7, and surrounded by two million space colonies, is the realm of the Almach Empire. Utterly endless numbers of people living in the comfort provided by the Empire while being stripped from planets like our own.

War is brewing. I can feel it; everyone can. The first skirmishes have already begun across several factions' worlds, and with our last few fleets of ships nearly finished construction, we'll be moving into battle as well. It will finally be time to exact revenge from them for the billions of lives that they heartlessly crushed.


The basis is that the main combatting teams will be the factions and the Almach Empire. Despite the numerous space references, the game will take place in indoor environments (on planets, in space stations, etc).


Oh, and tonight's testers were feeling rather mischievous. :)

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Oh noes! Not a typo! :)
rest of the galaxy to [leave][live?] peacefully.

Very nice story.. *sneaks behind HD trying to steal his story writing brain*.

Yay! Firey Sword of Algo's!

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That's looking nice. I can't wait to give it a try. Lemme know if you need any testing, I have more PCs than I know what to do with.

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Guest Anonymous Poster

Posted

> I remember a time where things were different. A time
> that feels like so very long ago.

Kind of an odd sounding contradiction. "I remember a time when things were different, but it seems so long ago." is probably better.

> A time before my homeworld’s sky was coloured crimson
> red by saturating toxic gasses.

Odd phrasing. "A time before our sky was coloured toxic red."

> A time before the great vast seas crisscrossing my
> planet’s surface were drained dry by the utterly
> massive Hydronaut starships of the Almach Empire.

I can't picture vast seas "crisscrossing" -- long thin things crisscross. "A time before our vast seas were drained dry by the Hydronaut starships of the Almach Empire."


> A time when I lived in peace and prosperity with hundreds
> of millions of fellow human beings -- before that
> number dwindled down to the few thousand. Those of us
> that still cling on to the fainting strands of life
> that remain in this dieing world we survive on.

A bit wordy. Shortening it might be in order, leaving something like this paragraph:

It seems so long ago, but I remember a time when things were different. A time before our sky was coloured toxic red. A time before our vast seas were drained dry by the Hydronaut starships of the Almach Empire. A time before our prosperous billions dwindled to the few thousand now clinging to this dying world.

Etc.

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@TheSeer: Fixed. Oops. :P

@Ravuya: Do you have MSN, by any chance? That's the medium I typically use to pull testers off of if they're online.

@AP: Thanks for the suggestions. I know that my wording can get really awkward when I'm aiming at a specific point; I'll patch things up. (And you didn't need to go Anonymous -- I wouldn't rate someone down for giving me tips on improving my writing!)

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