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Furion

That story I said I'd post

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Well, here it is. I''ve decided to post after all. It''s a lil'' more than a story cuz it goes into detail with the battles and stuff, which may bore or interest you. The subtitiles are kinda hard to find. Beware. The article is LONG! The earthshaking battle raged on. Chaotic daemons poured through the rift into the world of Zamra in vast waves. The ancient, titanic giants of heaven clashed in a war with the daemons that would almost surely be the doom of the seventh realm, Zamra. The ancient Guardians of the high heavens took it upon themselves to end the constant strife between the Gods, and the tortured, burning Hells. The awesome power that the Guardians held was only legendary to humanity, and surprisingly, even less known to the mindless demons of the Underworld. Many of the Guardians could wield powers that could utterly destroy entire worlds on their own. But, in the process of bringing Hell’s leaders to their knees, millions of innocent citizens of Zamra could be killed, and the foundations of the eight other realms could be also shattered. The youngest Guardian of Heaven, Daeko, suggested that the portal somehow be closed to Hell, and let the daemons suffer until the end of time. All of the Guardians knew that only the artifacts known as Circles of Light could be used to control portals, but one the size and power of the Underworld’s was out of the question. But Daeko was positive that if certain artifacts powering the rift were retrieved from the black abyss, an even greater Circle could be fashioned. Most of the Guardians reluctantly agreed. Daeko was sent on a quest into Hell itself. Intent on retrieving what he could find hastily, the wise Guardian avoided confrontation with the daemons. He fearlessly entered the fiery portal, only looking over his shoulder once, to see the sky raining blizzards on his lesser warriors of the light. The warlocks were more powerful than he had thought. Using stealth and guile, the cunning Daeko ventured deep in to the Underworld’s labyrinths and chambers. The tortured cries of the sinful murderers and the low growls of the daemon masters flooded his ears. Surely there were weapon smiths around. Black armour and warblades were strewn across many of the chamber’s racks and trestles. A foul smell filled the air due to rotting corpses. An acrid black haze hovered above his head. The young Guardian could sense many arcane masters about the place, anxiously waiting to unleash their fiery powers upon the citizens on Zamra, or even, the Titans of the Light. A large army ready to departure to the surface was on the move, lead by some serpent-like monstrosity with the size and strength of a hundred humans. It was by far the most swinish thing he had ever seen. Daeko had to rush. He came across an immense citadel, which emanated great-unknown power. Entering the black fortress would mean a battle. Which he was sure he would emerge victorious. He ambushed the temple guards with a very basic, yet powerful spell - the summoning of an army of Golems. As they effortlessly overthrew the guards, the Golems dissipated and Daeko entered the giant citadel. The Guardian found what he had been looking for. He entered an immense room, which appeared to be a sacrificial pit. And at the highest peak of the pit were eight moonstones that radiated tremendous energies. These were the gems he had been seeking. The portal would most likely grow smaller if he returned these enchanted items back to the Guardians Temple. But he couldn’t teleport from here. The energies of the fortress were too great to surpass. Annoyed, Daeko prepared for the teleportation home. Only to be halted by a crashing at the citadel’s hell forged, iron gates. Hordes of daemons screamed through the dark passages in search of the intruder. When the enraged hellspawn drew nearer, Daeko let loose the fury of his powers. The citadels elaborate archways and rooftops came crashing down upon their heads. He summoned enormous beasts of flame and molten rock to distract the chaotic daemons while the Guardian fashioned a volcano to rain lava upon all that dared oppose him. When he had proved his subjugation over the pitiful, brawny beasts, he chopped his way through the remaining skeletons that were risen by the evil necromancers, and made his way out of the citadel to the dark recesses of Hell. With a wave of his hand, he was on his way home. The Circle of Halem Daeko reappeared only minutes later. He proved to his fellow Guardians that he was successful in his quest by unveiling the all-powerful gemstones. The Eldest of the Guardians - Unchulas, pronounced that the construction of a new Circle of Light was to commence immediately. With the combined Guardians powers, the eight mysterious gems were moulded into an unbreakable stone ring. It took strenuous studying to comprehend the effects and properties of each gem, but in time, the “Circle of Halem”, which meant “core of control” was in it’s final stages. It had been twenty days since the war had started and the warriors of the light were finally gaining ground on the daemon hordes. On the thirtieth day of the gruesome war, the Guardians made a shocking discovery. The portal to the Underworld had grown in size. Yet, fewer daemons passed through it. Also, the elder Guardian, Unchulas found that to securely hold the gems in place, and make the Circle of Halem fully functional, the mystical gritty substance known as “precelisce” would need to be used in the final incantation of the Circle’s creation. Daeko volunteered to travel to the southwest region of Zamra to gather this sand from the precelisce rocks hidden in the forest. But, with the unstableness of the fiery rift, and the sudden change in the daemon ranks, Unchulas forbid Daeko to depart alone. Daeko accepted Tinnarius, only two centuries older than he, to be his assistant. To blend in with the surrounding populace, Daeko and Tinnarius assumed a temporary new appearance. The two young Guardians, disguised as humans, entered the flourishing realm of Zamra, mounted upon their tireless, immortal steeds. Despite attacks from wildlife in the forests, and rogue bandits attempting to rob them of their belongings in the city of Grath‘ees, the expedition was a peaceful one. And the valley in which the precelisce was secreted was only miles away. To be sure nobody was trailing them, they summoned web wards to ensnare the curious soul, and if these weren’t enough to hold the intruder back, the forest itself would come alive to finish the task. The Coming of Rakamas Daeko surveyed the rocky, barren valley before him. He opened up his travelling cloak and brought forth the two sacs, which they were supposed to fill with precelisce. Tinnarius emerged from the thorny bushes, summoning the last of the web wards behind him. He reached Daeko’s side, complaining that he had stumbled and fell in Quarwarffalo dung. Daeko let a wicked grin reach his lips as he summoned the ramp which would lead them right to the rocks containing the strange grit. As the disguised Guardians crushed the precelisce and filled the sacs to their capacity, Unchulas came into being from the very air around them, bearing the Circle of Halem. The two Guardians began to think insanity had overcome the greater elder. But Unchulas informed them that the final step of construction on the Circle of Halem could only be performed in mortal lands, and this was a safe place to do so. Precelisce was to be dusted over the holy circle for twenty seconds while Unchulas performed the final, verbal summons. As Daeko upturned the bag of precelisce into his palm, A low undertone boomed over the canyon. The three shocked Guardians turned around to look at the trespasser. And they readied their all-powerful spells. When the three saw who had beaten through their wards, Unchulas vanished from sight, leaving the Circle of Halem falling to the ground. The enormous daemon at the peak of the canyon roared. Daeko picked up the Circle of Halem. Then the two remaining Guardians swung into action. Tinnarius called down missiles of holy light to strike down on the immense daemon. Daeko called upon elementals of fire, rock, and frost to attack, only to be countered by the summoning of the daemon lord’s own army. Dragons spawned from the very air around him. Skeletons clad in battle-worn armour that were equipped with halberds rose from the sand and attempted to attack Tinnarius. The two young Guardians pondered over the purpose of this hell spawned daemon, and the disappearance of Unchulas. The communication of their minds was interrupted by every summoned creature violently exploding and dissipating into the earth. An ominous silence fell over the canyon. The daemon lord was no longer present. Or so the two Guardians thought. The daemon reappeared in front of them, and surprisingly, spoke to them. In the exact same language and dialect that the Guardians used. He identified himself as Rakamas, a slave who was once tortured in the burning chambers of Hell. He informed the Guardians that doom was to come to the eight realms. And nothing would be able to stop him from gaining vengeance over the slave masters of Hell. And the Heavens above would too pay for the attempt to shut down the burning gateway, leaving him to torture until the end of time. Daeko and Tinnarius were enraged by the daemon’s speech. Who was he to oppose the warriors of the light? Let alone attempt to combat the Guardians of power and virtue. Daeko was positive he could destroy the daemon master once and for all. He let loose a streaming flow of coiling, translucent energies. The skies blackened and lightning flashed all about them. Funnel clouds danced about in the cloudy sky and touched down in the canyon. Daeko informed Rakamas that there was no chance for him. Nor his dream of conquest. Lightning crashed down on the shoulders of Rakamas. Twisters were attempting to touch down on Rakamas and send him back to the Inferno to be tortured once again. But to Daeko’s horror, the forces of nature did nothing to harm the daemon. Tinnarius helplessly screamed in pain as he vanished, as Unchulas did only moments before. Rakamas laughed and brought forth an enchanted mace charged with freezing energies and hurled it at Daeko. The mace smashed into his head, blowing him back and stunning him breifly. The Circle of Halem dropped to the ground. Daeko was helpless. Some magical force was holding him back from retaliating. He was pinned to the ground. And he could sense something terrible had happened to his fellow Guardians. He was unable to reach any of them through telepathic waves. If he himself were in Guardian form, he maybe would be able to have combated this vile foe with ease. But even if he was able to return to his former self, it seemed as if Rakamas was immune to anything he threw at him. Rakamas motioned to pick up the Circle of Halem. As he did, the powers of the eight gemstones erupted in his demonic face. Light passed through his hands, as the circle seemed to explode. The daemon moaned loudly as he squinted his eyes in pain and dissipated. The eight gems vanquished into thin air. Daeko expected to see the empty circle drop to the ground, but it too, went with Rakamas. The Lost Sorcerer Daeko found his horse relatively unhurt. He mounted it and rode off to the city of Grath’ees. The immortal Guardians didn’t need nourishment like the human populace did. But Daeko thought that the taste of food would help him think clearer. After his meal in the city he thought about the horrors of the day. Unchulas had never said anything about a daemon of this kind before. Rakamas seemed to have known facts about the Guardians, unlike any other of the hellish commanders. And worse yet, the Circle of Halem was destroyed, if not lost. Daeko decided to uncover the mystery of this evil monstrosity. But he couldn’t do it alone. He would need to contact his fellow Guardians somehow. There was an ethereal way gate far to the west. In the Silverlane Hills. It is there that warriors from the Heavens could come to this place, and wage war among the daemons. Daeko, drained from the battle with Rakamas, could no longer power the immortality of the horse, which meant the noble animal, would tire. The trip to the hills would take several days. One week later the Guardian moved up to the highest peak of the Silverlane Hills, expecting to return to his fellow Guardians and report everything immediately. But Daeko’s greatest fears had come into place. The holy portal had been destroyed. Even a being of Rakamas’ arcane power could never destroy a way gate of such awesome power. Daeko rode two miles northeast, to find the fiery rift to Hell sealed off! Daeko didn’t think Rakamas possessed this capability either. Daeko assumed the hypothesis that the Circle of Halem’s destruction by some means sealed off the two rifts. The main purpose of the great circle was to seal off the dark rift, but if Rakamas still roamed the lands, the black shadow that he spoke of would come into fruition. And the worlds would be left unguarded by the Guardians of Heaven. Daeko had to uncover two peices of knowledge before he could take action. He had to discover the whereabouts of Rakamas, if he still lived, and he had to uncover the eight gemstones that once outfitted the Circle of Halem. A voice shouted from the bottom of the hillside. As Daeko turned he witnessed a trio of meandering fireballs flaming towards him. Knowing that they would do no harm, he let the scorching meteors strike him in the chest. The meteors split apart and fell helplessly to the ground. The voice grew louder as the unknown sorcerer came into sight. It was no minion of Hell! It was a warrior from the light! Daeko ceased the young wizard’s incantations and introduced himself. The sorcerer of Heaven didn’t beleive that Daeko was the legendary Guardian he had heard of at first sight...until Daeko represented his repertoire of mystical energy and enchantments. The young Kanecian, the proper name for a magic wielder of Heaven, couldn’t believe his senses. He had never seen a Guardian before. The Kanecian identified himself as Trogannah, and he had seen the evil that emanated from the fiery rift of Hell. He was left behind when his fellow warriors of the light were sent back through the way gate to Heaven, and he had been wandering the region ever since. Daeko was surprised at the young Kanecian’s knowledge of the living world. Knowing that he could trust him, Daeko described the current situation. Trogannah had felt something terrible was amiss ever since the Circle of Halem was destroyed. Together, Trogannah and Daeko agreed that each King of the eight realms must be informed of the possible chaos that would surely ensue if Rakamas were still alive. With Daeko’s powers back, he and Trogannah teleported to the North, where the gateways that connected all of the realms to Zamra, were stationed. The young Guardian beckoned Trogannah to follow him through the gateway that lead to the desert land, of Malkhania. King Roulle, ruler of the sandblasted desert lands, resided in a magnificent palace in the capital city of Yasarius. When Daeko and Trogannah strolled down the steps of the portal of Malkhania. They observed nothing but burning fields and slaughtered farmers. The metropolis of Yasarius had been destroyed. Resistance forces had put up a fight though. Corpses of foot soldiers and knights littered the streets of Yasarius. They were too late. Order of the Omani Daeko and Trogannah’s nightmares had come true. The Circle of Halem hadn’t destroyed Rakamas. The great daemon’s plan was in motion. It was only a matter of time before another realm is set to the torch. The Guardian returned to Zamra. With the Kanecian at his side he travelled to the realm of Srali, the second largest realm to exist. When Daeko arrived at the city of Jamin, he burst into the room where Augin, the lord of Srali, was holding a meeting. Apparently, they were arguing about what to do to stop the unknown force that left Malkhania in ruins. Despite Daeko and Trogannah being thrown out of the palace several times, through harsh means, they eventually convinced Augin and his ruling council that Daeko was a Guardian of the high Heavens, and Trogannah, a lower mystical hero of the light. Augin and his counsel couldn’t believe their eyes. In the dusty room where the original meeting was called, Daeko spoke with top officials from not only Srali, but other realms as well. During the lecture, Aknaka, Queen of the realm of Exnam, presented Daeko with something a peasant had found lying in his wheat field one day. Being one of the last possible things Daeko had expected to see at the time, he and Trogannah gasped at the enchanted stone the Queen held. One of the gemstones that once outfitted the Circle of Halem! Daeko immediately ordered the search of the other gemstones that might have been scattered across the eight realms. It was apparent now that the Circle of Halem still existed, as well as all eight of the enchanted gems that Daeko once retrieved from the pits of Hell. If Rakamas still held the Circle of Halem, his plans would be simple: Hunt down all eight moonstones and rebuild the Circle of Halem and control the way gate to Heaven, and the fiery portal of Hell. Daeko shuddered at the idea of Rakamas wielding such power. If the daemon lord garrisoned both of the all-powerful portals under his command, all life would cease to exist. Rakamas himself could wage war upon the Heavens, yet leave his former daemon masters behind, and let them suffer in the black inferno forever. Daeko discussed the defences of the realms. Many of the proud Kings and Queens had huge armies of their own. Exnam and Srali were even known for their immense knight training grounds. But everyone knew, including Daeko, that knights, archers, and weapons of war would not beat Rakamas alone... Trogannah knew this as well. Since Daeko had the experience of battling the daemon master, and knowing that Rakamas was immune to magical attacks, Trogannah pointed out that magic that originated from the Heavens would not work. Daeko was aware of this, but the already had plans in mind... Magic that originated from the light was useless against Rakamas. But powers that radiated from the skies, earth, and seas could be found in different forms too. Only, they were much weaker than energy that was called upon from the Heavens. Daeko proposed that a new order be founded. An order that would wield the magic that Rakamas couldn’t be resistant to. Daeko and Trogannah would train a huge cult of warriors that were agile, yet constantly in touch with the inner workings of the world. They announced that these battlers would be the most powerful sorcerer’s in all of the eight realms. Daeko named this new coming order “The Omani.” Which, in the Guardians ancient language, meant “Protectors of the World.” The Decimation of Exnam Six months later, at one of the many Omani temples in Zamra, Daeko noticed changes in Trogannah. He began teaching practices that Daeko hadn’t considered to be normal. The Kanecian was starting to teach forms of magic that were considered to be evil and reckless, such as raising the dead. One of his experiments had led to the destruction of one of the temples housing a hundred Omani sorcerors. Many of them died in the accident. When Daeko confronted him about it, Trogannah told Daeko that the arts of necromancy are dark and usually shunned by most mages. But it’s powers are vast and deadly if controlled correctly. Trogannah believed that passing on his knowledge of this art could turn the war against Rakamas. Daeko attempted to block out the memories of Rakamas’s destruction. Five realms had already been decimated by the daemon and his vast armies. All of the remaining gemstones that once were part of the Circle of Halem had been found, and have been hidden in each of the remaining realms in heavily guarded fortresses. Some of these fortresses were even built below the waves. The attempt to destroy the precious stones was even attempted. But the gems were totally indestructible. There were many talented mages in the Omani, yet many of them weren’t quite ready for the austerity of brutal conflict. But the Omani had to take action soon before more worlds are lost. One day, at the main training temple at Lexkarn, Daeko and Trogannah broke out in an argument. Daeko ordered Trogannah to cease the practice of necromany and the black arts. Trogannah refused and attempted to reason with the Guardian, saying that if Rakamas was to be stopped they would need a more powerful arsenal of spells than the Omani could teach. Trogannah wandered off later that night and was never seen early next morning. Three months later Daeko received word that Rakamas’s forces assailed the fortress of Exnam that held a sacred gemstone. Now was the time to act. Daeko and legions of his Omani sorcerers marched into the realm of Exnam and engaged Rakamas’ armies in combat. Daeko himself relished at the chance to face Rakamas in battle once again, but the daemon was stealthy and cunning. The fortress that stood in the mountains far to the west of Exnam was where the sixth gem was hidden. Daeko and his elite guard moved up the mountain. When Daeko reached the gateways to the immense citadel he was greeted by a bolt of lightning striking him in the forehead. This is who he had been looking for. It was Rakamas himself besieging the fortress with warlocks, trebuchets, and ice warriors. Rakamas recognized the Guardian immediately. He charged at Daeko with his enormous talons and raked them across his face. Daeko laughed and summoned flame knights to distract the daemon lord while he made nature to do it’s part. Daeko commanded the skies to rain fire upon Rakamas and lightning to bolt through his demonic body. The earth split open beneath his feet and flame erupted from the mountain. Rakamas screamed in pain as fire could literally be seen bursting from his eyes. Daeko ordered his companions to press the attack in hopes of killing the daemon. But Rakamas was far from defeated. Rakamas showered the Omani sorcerer’s with meteors, killing them instantly. Rakamas then performed a long forgotten Druidic power. Wings began to sprout out from his sides, he lifted from the air and his body stretched while his tail grew longer. His hide became thick and thorns sprouted out on his back. He was transforming into a dragon. Daeko was thinking about his fellow Guardians in the Heavens above. Thinking about Unchulas, Tinnarius and the rest. He prayed, and planned his next move. Rakamas dived down from the air and struck the Guardian with such a blow that it would have normally brought down the mountain itself if it wasn’t for Daeko’s powers. It left Daeko stunned. Rakamas began an incantation that the daemon thought would banish the Guardian back to the Heavens from which he came. A strange turn of the battle took place just then. Every fallen knight and Omani sorcerer was resurrected and brought back into the battle. It didn’t take long before all of Rakamas’ minions were all slaughtered. Rakamas was pulled back by some invisible force and slammed to the ground. Daeko regained consciousness, wondering what had just happened. Daeko heard shouting from a mile away. He summoned a drake to be his transportation and made his way over to the origin of the shouting. He rode a mile down the mountain to see Trogannah rallying the remaining forces and climbing further up the cold peak to the mountain! Daeko, thinking that his former lieutenant had ceased to exist, swooped down and greeted him with happiness. Trogannah mounted Daeko’s trusty drake and quickly made their way to the peak of the mountain. Rakamas immediately charged at the gates of the fortress and broke his way into it’s dark passages. It took him only seconds to arrive at where the gem was stationed. Rakamas quickly bypassed and protective auras and wards set up by Daeko himself and grabbed the godly stone and revealed the Circle of Halem. He inserted the gem into the holy circle and vanished. Daeko and Trogannah arrived to find the empty casket in which the gem was held. They had failed. The earth and mountain had felt the rage too. Tremors shook the mountain and the earth began to split apart. Using their combined powers, Daeko and Trogannah teleported every last living human on the realm of Exnam to the portal that lead right to Zamra. When the thousands of survivors arrived at the steps of the way gate, Daeko shoved everyone through the mystic portal at once and left the once thriving realm of Exnam behind. Once the confused refugees of Exnam all had food and water, Trogannah informed Daeko of his new order. One that taught sorcerer’s the secrets of necromancy and other magic unapproved of by the Omani religion. He had named his new order “The Archi.” The word “arch” meant “power” in the ancient tongue of the Guardians. Daeko accepted the former Kanecian’s order with no doubts. But they both knew that this was no time for talk. Both orders had to take action immediately. Only two realms were known to support life after the previous disasters. Rakamas would most likely strike Srali next, for reports of strange, unknown creatures wandering about Srali have already been sighted. Even though they shared their differences, Trogannah and Daeko together swore to take vengeance upon Rakamas for butchering so many citizens of the realms, and for trapping the Guardians and the Titans of the light in the Heavens above. With the Archi ready to counter any threat, Trogannah proposed that Daeko and his Omani remain behind to watch over the citizens of Zamra, while he and his loyal clan hunt Rakamas in the gigantic world of Srali. As Trogannah and his followers marched across the prairie grasslands to the gateway to Srali, he prayed to the Gods to watch over humanity, and protect everyone through the impending conflict. As the sun rose over the hill, he was confident his words were heard. Trogannah was positive that the great spirits would guide him...and see humanity... through to a new, peaceful dawn....

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Cute story. Would be nice if Daeko was tainted in some way perhaps from his trip to hell or from a battle with Rakamas or from himself now using Necromantic powers. Might add some nice conflict between himself and his associates in Heaven.

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Well, it starts off with a lot of sentences starting in "The..." which distracted me. The main other criticism is that I find most of the sentences to be too short, which to me makes it read like a children''s story written by Shakespeare. Things like "Surely there were weapon smiths around. Black armour and warblades were strewn across many of the chamber’s racks and trestles." work better when combined into one sentence as they essentially reference the same point. Join with a semi-colon or conjunction. Same goes for "Entering the black fortress would mean a battle. Which he was sure he would emerge victorious." which I would join with ", from" in between the two. The second sentence doesn''t fit conventional English grammar anyway - it''s an adverbial subordinate clause without an accompanying main clause, if you care. I could pick out several such cases where you''ve got something as 2 sentences where the 2nd one is grammatically ''incorrect''.

I only read half way as the lack of clear paragraphs was starting to irritate me But the storyline itself seems ok. Just the presentation needs some work.

[ MSVC Fixes | STL | SDL | Game AI | Sockets | C++ Faq Lite | Boost | Asking Questions | Organising code files | My stuff ]

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Yeah...I noticed that the paragraphs came out crappy. It was all done nice in MS Word then when i copied and pasted it it turned out like shit. I doubt anyone will read the whole thing, lol.

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I realize Daeko didn''t but think of the power he''d wield if he did. Anyways I like the idea of him getting tainted from his trip into the Citadel. Perhps Rakamas was once a Guardian and was banished or trapped down below. Now Daeko could be looking at the same fate. He hates what he could become but can''t bear the thought of giving up the fight. See the character conflict and depth it would add?

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I have to admit, there are a few odd contradictions that threw me off in several instances.

The initial goal of Daeko was to retrieve the artifacts that, I assumed, were holding the portal/rift between Zamra and Hell/Underworld/Abyss open. However, when he retrieves the artifacts (which, incidently, isn''t very clear in your story that he does this) the portal stays open. In fact you specify early that they could use the Circles of Light, which are already controlling the portal, to forge a singular greater Circle (?) which would then be used to...control the portal. ???

I''m also not clear on the power levels of these Guardians/Gods. They "could wield powers that coudl utterly destroy entire worlds", but are in a stand-off (apparently) at this fiery portal? Daeko uses "stealth and guile" to sneak his way past the Underworld denizens, ambushes the guards with a "basic, yet powerful spell" that "effortlessly overthrew the guards" - and when confronted (I guess he tripped a silent alarm?) he literally obliterates these "hordes of daemons" who are also described as "pitiful, brawny beasts". I mean, if he''s the youngest of the Guardians and he has this much power, within the demon''s own realm...then why don''t they just go in and mop the floor with these guys?

I''m also not clear on why he could teleport out of the Underworld but couldn''t teleport into the Underworld. He wastes time with all this sneaking and stealthing, all the time bemoaning the need for haste, then when he gets the artifacts and makes it outside this mysterious citadel (which is powerful enough to block his powers, but not powerful enough to keep him out?) he simply teleports back home. He isn''t back in Zamra yet, since you say he made his way "out of the citadel to the dark recesses of Hell".

I admittedly stopped reading the rest when Daeko and Tinnarius disguise themselves as humans and mount "tireless, immortal steeds" to gather some of these magical rocks. He can teleport from Hell to Heaven, but he can''t teleport to the southwest of Zamra? They do all this "peaceful" travelling (despite "attacks from wildlife...and rogue bandits"), but the elder Unchulas teleports into their midst?

I don''t mean to be harsh, and apologize if it comes across this way - but there are obviously missing elements to this story. A quick glance ahead at the story shows me this mysterious demon who resists their powers, putting him at the equal of TWO Guardians; some mention of this possibility, in hints or suspicions by the Guardians, should be brought up earlier. Build up to the idea that the Guardians aren''t as powerful as they think they are. I''m getting Jedi/Sith flashbacks here, but I''ll dismiss them for now.

Short and simple of it? Try to be a little more consistent in your plot points.

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Well, if there is ever a sequel that comes after this game, I think Trogannah will be the one who becomes the "bad dude." Daeko was a Guardian, so there's like no chance of him being corrupted. At the end of the game when you kill Rakamas, Trogannah will be in your party helping you. When you kill Rakamas, Trogannah will get "tainted" by his evil. And Trogannah will attempt to finish what Rakamas tried to do: retrieve the 2 remaining gems in Srali and Zamra and reopen the portal to Heaven to make war upon the gods. And it'll be a whole new game, at the end(of the sequel) you'll ultimatly have to kill Trogannah(he'll have some new appearance, like a daemon er something.)

Kinda reminds me of Diablo 2 though. How diablo possessed the body of the hero who defeated him.

Trickster, If you read all of the story it could maybe answer a couple of your questions, but I can see exactly where your coming from. Should I just take out a few parts like "The Guardians could wield awesome powers?" Or should I make it like Daeko goes into Hell without all the stealth and kicks some ass?

And I got to make that whole scene at the black citadel make a little more sense...







[edited by - Furion on August 14, 2002 2:04:59 PM]

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Okay, I''m a little clearer on the whole hierachy thing with the Guardians and their warriors, and I''m assuming there really aren''t that many actual Guardians - which would explain why they can''t simply mop the floor with the demons, but need an army of the light.

I would like to see some dark twists in this story. I agree that it would make for a more interesting story if Rakamas turned out to be a former Guardian and was banished/left in anger for his "dark arts", much in the same way Trogganah and Daeko are in a split of opinion.

It might also be interesting to see that the Guardians aren''t as noble and benevolent as they come across; that perhaps Rakamas'' claims of slavery aren''t far from the truth.

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Ur right. Making Rakamas a former Guardian would make things right. Because I had sorta said that nothing was more powerful than a Guardian, so that would be the reason why Rakamas would've been equally powerful to Daeko. Should I go back further in time and write as to when Rakamas was banished? Or should I just mention that he was a Guardian when Daeko and Tinnarius see him above the canyon?

Should I take out the part about Tinnarius stepping in Quarfallo dung?

[edited by - Furion on August 14, 2002 5:10:38 PM]

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I don''t think you should outwardly state the Rakamas is a former Guardian, nor should you tell the reader in the beginning. As a story, it would work better if Daeko discovers this information in bits and pieces as his adventure continues. It also becomes a hook for the reader to learn why Rakamas was turned away from the rest of the Guardians, and why he''s seeking revenge.

There could be several points of betrayal by the elder Guardians against Daeko, as he learns more than they''d like him to know. Combine this with the growing conflict between Daeko and Trogannah, and you end up with one very confused young Guardian who loses trust in everyone - and has to find his own path.

The dung thing? If you flesh it out as a comedic moment, it''s your call to leave it in; it may even have some relevance to that part of the story. If you leave it simply as "oh and by the way, he stepped in a pile of manure" it loses any meaning.

Maybe they need spores stuck in the dung to complete a spell? Perhaps the scent draws predators to them, or keeps villagers from offering them help/food/shelter. Finding a place to wash it off could lead them on a side adventure. You get the picture.

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