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Rydis

tell me what you think of story so far

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if you could spend aobut 20 min and tell me what you think of this story so far Out of the darkness, the chink of mail and the clash of blades is heard... But then, a strike, and someone falls to the ground.. "Oh shoot, sorry there man..." You lower your guard, looking at your friend with a faint grin.. What is your friends name? (Name prompt) shakes his head, pulling off his armor and flopping back onto the ground. Grunting, he notes, "Man, you''re getting a lot better, better than I am at least." You rubs the back of your neck sheepishly, shrugging, "I guess, I''ve been practicing a lot." Nodding, your friend turns away, glancing into the darkness of the forest, "I just got a feelin'' we''ll need our training soon." You shrug, and look over your for a moment, "Probably will, so I''ll just..." "Just what," says a voice looming out from the treetops... A glow begins to grow, held in hand by a sole figure.. "Eh?!?", turns, looking into the treetops, "What''s that?!" "Do you think you''re going to do?" finished the figure, the glow illuminating his face... Name your arch enemy... Enemy name prompt. "It''s !! I thought you were banished from here forever!" you say. smirks, and floats downwards through the trees, the ball of light within his palm growing and pulsing with energy... "There are greater powers then yours that can bring me back, I am undefeatable now!" He cackles and holds the energy ball high. Your eyes widen with astonishment, and you shout out, "! Get out of here, quick!" "Now die!!" yells , directing the flaming sphere down into the earth. Filled with such intense power, the trees and plants around your burst into flame, and in the midst of it all alights on the ground, approaching you as he wields his sword, "You made the biggest mistake ever by trying to banish me, and now you''ll pay for it!" Grunting, you step foward, readying your , crouching, "But you are naieve, my powers have also grown!!" Laughing, you clash into battle. Roaring, wails in pain, collapsing to the ground, "How... how could you defeat me? My master.. he promised me unlimited power... How...?" Coughing, he spits up blood, eyeing you with hate and spite, choking for a moment, "This can''t be the end.." "Don''t worry, it isn''t.." says a new voice, stepping out of the fires, cloak swirling around him, "It''s only the beginning my friend... You''ll see what accomplisments shall come.." He walks right past you, kneeling besides , "And you, you have to survive, or I wouldn''t be here, now would I, hmm?" struggles to raise his head, holding his wound and coughing up a little more blood, "Who..?" "No, don''t speak, I can''t have you die and erase all I''ve worked for.." The strange figure smirks, and spreads his palms, the fingtertips of his hand glowing immensely.. And ''s wounds closing and healing at once. Then, making a gesture, your enemy''s weapons disappear, and with another gesture, so does . Swallowing hard, you take a step back, "Who are you! Why''d you do that, he doesn''t have the right to live, after what he''s done..." steps up, holding his arm to his eyes, ", what''s happening?" Smirking, the stranger stands, looking at you and your friend, "You know what? I''ll answer your pal there.. I''m making myself a future, that''s whats happening; and the two of your are going to be my catalysts, so you''ll be able to see it first hand.." He laughs, as if what he said was just some kind of joke.. He raises his hands, both glowing slowly.. He gestures, and then the world disappears around you. "It''s dark.." "The light.. I can''t see anything... Where am I?" "What''s happening.. this.. this doesn''t make any sense.." It all fades to black, and you lose conciousness. Slowly, sound comes to you. The sounds of another, someone else in the room. But wait, I wasn''t in a room.. What''s going on? Tired.. so tired.. .... Later, you begin to wake again.. Opening your eyes, you look around a large room, empty except for yourself. Grunting, you sit up, rubbing at a pain your side. What''s with that? I don''t remember getting hurt. Shaking your head, you slide out of bed, finding your that your equipment is missing. "Huh? Where the hell.. How''d I get here?" Scratching your head, you put on what clothes are laid out for you.. not the usual rich quality you''re used to, but homely, browned, stained.. But clothes are clothes.. Now where to go? Trachore Innkeeper shrugs, "Yeah, I found ya'' on th'' side ''o'' th'' road, beaten ''n stripped of anythin'' worth two cents. Figured a robber did it, so I figured I''d help ya'', and in return y''d help me out with work. So anyway, I need some supplies first, so go to the Hoblin''s Store and get the following items: One woodsaw, four brass bedposts, and lastly, one bottle of his best scotch. After y'' get all ''at, come back ''n you can start your work." <the story scene ends here, and you move on to do whatever. Here you''ll be able to go into the town, explore around the room, or whatever. In the town will be Hoblin''s Store, Wraith''s Pub, Trachore Inn, and Trachore Town Council. In the other buildings, you can have whatever, it won''t matter. Then, the shop part begins.> As you enter the shop, the shopkeeper greets you, "Hey there chap, y'' the one that ol'' Ryker brought in from th'' side of th'' road? Yeh'', that''s the Trachore Innkeeper. Anyway, he told me you''d be coming in sometime soon, so I have the stuff you need ready. Be careful with the scotch tho'', it''s one of my last bottles." You return to the inn, and Ryker looks up from reading a scrap of parchment. A deep frown on his face, he shakes his head and says, ", you''ve returned... But.. I have tragic news.." He lowers his gaze abck to the parchment, "My daughter.. she''s been lost in the woods.. The horses her carriage was being pulled by.. they were spooked, and ran amok into the forests.. Might you please help me? Please, find her, and the horses.. I''ll pay you dearly." A nod, and you glance out the window''s of the inn; shrugging for a moment and noting, "Of course.. I''ll need my old equipment, or.. new equipment if what I used to have wasn''t found with me... Can you help me in that sense?" Ryker grunts, looking up as he notes, "Aye'', you''ll have to get a few new things. When Elizabeth found ya'' it twas in the bare. Y'' din'' have a thread on ya''... But, enough of that, here, I can only give you a thousand gold, try to make the best of it.. And save my daughter.." "Oh... you only found the horses... And, they were in the woods?" He nods slightly, taking your silence as the answer.. "I see," a nod, and he raises the bottle of scotch you got earlier, "And I guess I''ll be hoping the witches don''t have her.. They most likely do, however.. There''s a cave down in the forest, it leads into the inner recesses of the Loknor Mountain.. No one''s ever come back, if they''ve gone in.. But you''ll have to try.. I can''t live without ''Liz.." You grimace, and give a nod, "I''ll do it.. I''ll have to." You give a bit of a reassuring smile, and make your way into the forest again. You lean up against a pillar of stone, peering out into the cavern you''ve found.. It''s massive, huge even. This really must be the inside of a mountain, for the roof of this place to fade into blackness as it does. Shaking your head, the cold, penetrating breezes whip your cloak about; but you stand firm. Raising an eyebrow, you realize that there, tied unto a stalagmite is the one you search for. About to step out to rescue her, the sounds of footsteps and low murmuring voices echoes about you. Walking in from a large, sulphurous passageway, three witches converse, "And you see, thinks that we''re going to be good at our positions. With the increased power he''s been sending our way, I''m sure we''ll be able to take over this part of the country in almost no time." Now, when you see these witches, that isn''t what you think of them as at first. Beautiful, perfect in every way; they bare no resemblance to the hags of yore. The only reason they look to be witches is because of their garments.. But that''s beside the point. One hand on the hilt of your sword, you consider walking out to greet the three.. but something warns you against such an attempt. Leaning against the nearby pillar, you suddenly fall flat upon your face... because it seems to have disappeared.. "Ah hah!" cries out one of the witches, "I knew I sensed someone else in here.. Funny though, I thought it was something terrible, powerful.. But now I know it''s just this kid... Shalika, I''ll take care of this one, you and Ruth go and tell about his presence; he might want to move the base soon." Cackling slightly, the one that seems to go as Shalika nods, "Alright Fevris, go ahead.. But I advise you, looks can be deceiving, as I too can feel something powerful within this one... And it''s not often that my readings are incorrect." Shrugging, Fevris turns, smiling wickedly, begging to change; morph even. Elongating, her height increasing, her skin begins to bubble into thick, hard scales. Rising up, the creature steps foward, complete in its change.. Whatever it is, it''s twelve feet high, composed of tight, bone-clinging muscle, and radiating nothing except a darkness beyond belief. It roars.. the shape of a human, but lean, reptilish. The creature begins to scream, a roar, but then a scream.. Melting slowly, its form breaks up around it, the witch''s bodily form returning to the surface.. Flopping, crashing to the ground, she gasps for air, but can''t seem to do much about it.. her deal was with one of below; and that''s where she''s going to go... So when she does lay to rest, she continues to melt; soon nothing left where she was except a dark blotch in the cavern floor. You walk up to the prisoner, quickly untying her, nodding, "We''ve got to get out of here, quickly... Let''s go, now.." She shakes her head, grasping your arm, "They were going to.. going to..." Crying, she half-collapses against you, obviously having gone through some tough times. Grunting, you pull her up to her feet, noting, "Come on, no time for that, we''ve got to go, now." Helping her along the way, you slowly find your way back out of the cavern, back the way you came. "Elizabeth!" cries Ryker, smiling happily and taking her in his arms, "You''re safe!" The two hug, jabbering miles a minute as they try to relate the loss and grief they had over such a period. Then, finally, they break up, tear stricken faces shining as they look about themselves; as if wondersome of just living and being alive as never before. Then, turning, Eliz'' turns, eyeing you, a sly grin on her face, "But.. I think we need to reward my saviour father.." You shake your head, simply rubbing the back of your neck and noting that, "I''m fine with just being of servic..." You''re cut off midsentene, the innkeeper''s daughter rushing foward, hugging you tightly and giving you a kiss on the cheek.. Blushing lightly, you take a step back, "But.. that''s just fine too.. Uhm, and.. Yeah.."

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Read your storyline..... looks very well thought out. I like the story line. A few changes I might have made:

eliminate "shoot" or use a more explicit way of getting it across

"man" change this to something more like the times

arch enemy- don''t let them know this yet... leave it as enemy


"You made the biggest mistake ever by trying
to banish me, and now you''ll pay for it" - Try something like "I will never submit to your will. Treacherous evil will come to you for your attempt to banish me"

All in all the story is very creative... stick to it

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finnaly at lest one person read it...must be to lengthy ppl dont want to read it. The reason some mistakes are is that it was orginnaly meant to be a texted based rpg...but i cant work on it alone so you know.

most orginal games introduce the protag and antag within the first part of the story. Even if i made it just enemy and with how it goes you know people are going to easily figure it out. THanks for the critisism though.

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hmm, well it seems the like the typical generic rpg story to me.

Gramatically there are some typo's, also the wording is generly confusing and doesn't flow well.

content wise, there seems to be some lack of consistence and the typical overly convient rpg plot deivces.

"smirks, and floats downwards through the trees, the ball of light within his palm growing and
pulsing with energy... "There are greater powers then yours that can bring me back, I am undefeatable"

"Man, you're getting a lot better, better than I am at least."

So which is it? Is the main character an all powerful warrior who manged be banish the evil wizard or is he young student still learning to become a warrior?

"You return to the inn, and Ryker looks up from reading a scrap of parchment. A deep frown on his face, he shakes his head and says, ", you've returned... But.. I have tragic news.." He lowers his gaze abck to the parchment, "My daughter.. she's been lost in the woods.. The horses her carriage was being pulled by.. they were spooked, and ran amok into the forests.. Might you please help me? Please, find her, and the horses.. I'll pay you dearly."

Why in the world would the inn keeper entrust the life of his daughter who's most likely captured by powerful witches. To a naked stranger found by the side of the road? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. As far as the inn keeper knows you could be a pig farmer who was mugged and robbed by bandits. Not only that he just hands over 1000 gold pieces like it was nothing for you to buy equip. How does he know your not going to leave with the money?

"You shake your head, simply rubbing the back of your neck and noting that, "I'm fine with just being of servic..."

umm, he had already taken payment to rescue the girl so why is he suddenly become all sheepish and refusing to take payment. The way the character is described eariler doesn't match his current action.
-----------------------------------------------------
Writer, Programer, Cook, I'm a Jack of all Trades
Current Design project
Chaos Factor Design Document



[edited by - TechnoGoth on October 16, 2003 11:55:52 PM]

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these days, people tend to be more demanding as far as opening story scenes. Every event is always witnessed by two or less people. In "real" life, if the daughter of the Barkeep disappeared, there would have been a public outcry, with several searches and expeditions into the forest to find her. And wouldn''t your character, already a prominent warrior, have some sort of organized effort to find you?

Also, anarchist witches is an interesting idea, but ''taking over the world'' is a little over-used, don''t you think

I would have the figure of your character changed slightly, and maybe under circumstances where being found would be undesirable. Maybe he was framed for something?

Oh well, It looked like you put some work into it. I liked your use of imaginative names - creativity in that department these days seems to be lacking severely.

...and then I said to the guy, "No, your mom!"

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well its still in its first phase and also my first story. I appriciate the comments, its useful. As far as generic i dont really think so as far as generic goes it would be a FF7 meets Chrono Trigger. Just not that far yet.

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I thought the opening was a bit rigid... It went by too fast, I thought. They''re fighting, a wizard comes by, then bam, they''re in darkness... I may be wrong, though.

Umm, the storyline you have now seems pretty strict. Whenever the main character is asked to do something, he agrees. Maybe prompt the player to give a response. For instance, when the innkeeper asks the player to fetch some items from the store for him, maybe bring up a selection deal that says:

1) "Alright, I''ll go get those things for you," you say gladly.
2) "I''d consider it, if perhaps I were given some more gold..." you greedily sneer.
3) "Sorry, I won''t be your errand-boy," you tell him ignorantly.
4) "Forget you, old man," you say to him. "I''m outta here..."

Maybe #4 is a bit too extreme, but you get the idea. Give the player options like this throughout the game so he can "form" his character. This will allow for the player to make either a lawful good, neutral, or evil character, and you could have people react in different ways and whatnot depending on what the player has the character say.

But that''s all up to you. That way just adds versatility to the game; instead of telling a story to the player, have the player "become" the story.

Other than that, the plot is sound and true. You have an opening event, a strange after-effect, and then a place for the character to pick up and continue the story.

Hope what I said helps.

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The opening was definately too fast. Don''t pop out four or so main characters at once. In almost any great story you look at, the major characters are introduced one at a time, and the villain may or may not be shown right off. If he is shown immediately, he continues to be shown throughout (Darth Vader, Kefka [FFVI/III], Sauron/Saruman). Don''t introduce a character just to introduce them, put them in when it makes sense.

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