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CHASIS-BLADE

Another Game Story

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This is my story for and RPG..ENJOY The Legacy of Babel: Worlds Divided Part One: A new life awaits. The suns shone bright upon the boys face as second dawn was just beginning, he got up on his feet and set off down the beach to find some food and water. The boy who''s name was Babel had been living on this island in the middle of the Magazi ocean for 82 years* and was learning to live off the islands resources. (NOTE: this is set on a different world so 82 years their time would be 18 years our time.) He had bright blue eyes and short yet spikey grey hair, he had no clothes but simply wore a loin cloth around his waist. The days passed without much incident until one day when it would all change. A small boat crashed on the Island and a young woman aged around 105 came out, she was wearing a white bikini top and had white panties on, she had long bushy brown hair with a white bandana tied around her forehead. Scared as hell Babel hid behind a tree thinking that this was another of the RUNNERS tricks and that she was just a Kill-Message. The girl walked around for a bit checking the damage to her boat and looking rather disappointed, she said to herself ''mmmm quantum manaflow is down, jet propulsion down and….OH GREAT not the air conditioning too!!''. At this moment Babel snuck up behind her and attempted to knock her out with a nearby rock that was until she tuned around and said said ''nice try hot shot!'', Babel was surprised and without knowing it the rock slipped out of his hands and fell on his toes, ''OWWY OWWY OW!!'' he screamed out in pain and after hopping around for a bit he fell over onto the sandy beach. The girl looked down at him and said ''You okay?'' in a calm manner but before she could say anything he jumped back up on his feet and took the girl in a neck-lock. He said ''No more RUNNER tricks okay…show me your real form!!'', the girl looked round at him and said ''RUNNER?? What the Jagra are you talking about…and if your planning to steal my boat…DON''T okay..We..We could settle this with sex you know!!'', Babel let her go and said ''…sex..what is…sex???'' in a very naïve manner. The girl said ''No kidding!! You have never had Sex..oh for the love of Jagra!!'', Babel looked at her and said '' so your not a RUNNER huh…what about the white clothes…are…ARE YOU A MAGE!!!''. The girl simply said ''Oh don''t be silly the clothes are a symbol of the Cunara - the healer of O''ras children''. Babel was shocked to hear this and blurted out ''O''ra has healers now!! I thought that O''ra only summoned his people to become healers if their was a war on our world!!'', The girl said ''the texts say nothing of war..besides the Cunaras are a vital part of our culture and….WAIT ONE MINIUTE!!…HOW DO YOU KNOW OF CUNARAS IF YOU HAVE BEEN ON THIS ISLAND FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG??''. Babel walked over to her and said ''…….can..can I show you what my mom and dad left me before they passed away??'' in a very distressed manner, ''The girl just said ''Okay..BUT..before you go any further just stand where you are for a minute'', Babel took her advice and stood very still on the spot. The girl cast a heal spell on Babel''s foot and within moments he could walk again and just as Babel had asked her she started to walk with him to his home. When she arrived at his house which was just a small cave Babel went inside and took out a small box which contained two smaller boxes, the girl looked at him and said ''Ah boxes..nice'' but Babel opened one of the boxes and inside was a sort of computer chip which had six tiny jewels on it and 4 empty spots which looked like they had a jewel there originally, Babel said ''this is the C-Rah chip…you see when I was 8 my parents came to this island trying to escape the RUNNER invasion, knowing that they would soon be captured they Placed this chip on my forehead that sent me into a 22 year coma that would teach me: survival techniques, language, the history of our world, information about the RUNNERS and also would provide me with nourishment so I would not die off in the coma, but the problem is that several jewels of info were lost to time and have not been found ever''. Babel stopped talking for a minute and put the chip back into its case and said ''If only I could find them then I would know more things like this sex that you constantly speak of'', the girl looked at him and said ''well that''s nice I hope you do find what your looking for but as for me I have to go back to the boat and fix it okay''. Babel stopped her and said ''Hey..do you think you could take me with you to the mainland..I always wanted to see it. The girl looked back at Babel and said ''I am quite busy I mean my boat was wrecked and I gotta get back soon'' in a very disappointed tone, Babel then said ''PLEASE!!!'' with the sad soulful eyes and the sad tone of voice. The girl sad ''FINE if it will shut you up'' she said in an very direct and unfriendly manner ''But I think you should know my name if we are going to be partners….I''m Valerie'' and she offered Babel a nice friendly handshake, Babel lowered his face to her hand and in a very naive manner sniffed it and said ''gosh you smell nice''. Valerie''s face then turned a bright red and in anger slapped Babel on the cheek and said ''YOU KLUTZ I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU A HANDSHAKE!!!'', Babel then said ''….okay fine my name is Babel and looks like were partners from now on''. Valerie forced a smile on her face and with her new alliance with Babel she set out for her boat to try and repair it. COMMENTS

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Some good, some bad, some tangential crap you can ignore.

Okay, the kid with tons of technical knowledge and no social skills is a tested and effective archetype. The girl is the perfect complement to him. Cute, worldly, scantily clad and sufficiently sexual that she will get him to blush and look embarrassed a few times in each scene. Do you watch FLCL on the Cartoon Network? Take a look. With Valerie, though, it might be worthwhile to make her less intelligent, or relegate her genius to mechanical things. If she's as smart as Babel, his chip-learning will be cheapened. Your writing, despite its stylistic awkwardness and literary simplicity, has a quirky, whimsical, flamboyant style that would go well with some types of anime; I envision it including a lot of the absurd facial expressions and overreactions that are sometimes seen in Japanese work. Think Trigun here.

Your story will obviously require a substantial amount of sililoquy and idle dialogue to explain the fictional terms and concepts your characters use, but that's not uncommon in sci-fi stories. However, I get the impression that you are "winging it" here with regards to world-building. You have a lot of potential in the kid, and the girl could be a decent foil, but the world seems a little hasty. It's possible to tell a story, especially a video game story, in a world that the player doesn't fully understand, but it makes it difficult to write effectively, since just about everything is a surprise, and when you want something to seem unusual, they'll just take it in stride.

It's a generic manga universe, with an abstract conflict in the background and a uniquely powerful individual who will inevitably become critical to its outcome, but I don't think you've put a great deal of thought into it yet. I'm assuming that the other four gems will give Babel skills like fighting, hacking, and picking up chicks, and the last one he finds will give him the power to save the world and repel the RUNNERS. But if you don't map out your story, you'll hit the same narrative speed bumps that much anime hits. Beware the classic error of repeat climaxes (yowza!), where a monumental event becomes mundane, and then another seemingly critical thing happens, and the cycle repeats.

Anime does this all the freaking time. The hero meets, in the first chapter, an opponent who is so terrifyingly powerful that no man can hope to survive it, but by the second chapter he's taking on squads of them before breakfast, and they're nothing. That is, until he meets something so powerful he can't defeat it, and it kicks the crap out of him for fifteen minutes, then he rallies and buries it with a few quick punches. His new power makes that type of enemy a joke, until Thursday, when there's an enemy tougher than him, and he has to learn the value of true friendship by befriending a guy in a hospital burn ward before he can channel warm fuzzy power and win. Ugh. Oh, and his buddy dies while he's winning the fight with the power of love.

Ever watch Dragonball Z? They've gotta crank out some new invincible warrior every few episodes, and make it tougher than the last one so it can keep up with the increasingly godlike Goku. They've been at this for a while, and it's getting to the point where they actually destroy three or more planets every time they have a fistfight. It's embarrassing. Don't do that.

Sorry, this has turned from a critique of your work into a dissertation on why I hate the Power Rangers (Why didn't they ever START a fight with that damn sword? It was right there the whole time!). So, in conclusion, you have the makings of a fairly standard anime storyline, with blood, humor, scantily clad barely-legal girls who are inexplicably single and attracted to mysterious young boys who have unjustifiable combat prowess, awkward sexual tension, and some trait of the main character that will inevitably lead to a deus ex machina at the moment when all rational hope is lost. There's plenty of reference material for you, and if you get the right kind of action, it could make a good video game. Heck, it's starting to sound like Wonder Project J.

But your actual writing is a bit awkward. It's not a problem with your idea or with your dedication, you just need to practice storytelling. If you're going to be scripting the cutscenes, I advise you to run it past a few English teachers or at least your friends before you publish. I'd hate to see another Zero Wing out there.

[edited by - Iron Chef Carnage on November 18, 2003 9:07:52 PM]

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First off, what happened to the other story, it looked like it could be good, if you took out the insane fourteen year old. This one is somewhat more sane, but strange women don''t randomly say they''ll have sex, that has to go, unless you are aiming for one of those ever bizzare comic anime feels. I think the rest of it seems good, though. Being fifteen, I know, tends to make one think about certain things a lot, but you need to try to tame these things in your writing. I know that sometimes my writing can get too violent, and I have to tone it down, but after a while, it will become easier for you. I think you have a great deal of talent as a story writer, but sometimes your ideas are a little beyond what is believable, something which always annoys me in all forms of media. Also, the girl befriends him too quickly. You have a desert island, make use of it.

The girl staggers forward and Babel helps her to her feet. Perhaps she is sick, or has a wound she is unable to heal, but Babel has to take care of her. She doesn''t like this idea, but he tends to her, examines her closely (after all, he''s never seen a woman before. If you''ve never seen the first episode of Ranma 1/2... "poke... poke..." HeHeHe... ahem).

Anyway, you have come up with two great story ideas that I have seen so far, just don''t spread yourself so thin developing twenty or so stories at once that you start to lose them. Work on one at a time, or perhaps spend most of your time on one, and a little on the others. This is a problem I have. I''m three chapters from finishing the first draft of a book, and I''m starting to work on others. Keep working, and I can''t wait to see more of your stories.

Richard Veysey

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If you must know I am going for the bizzare Animie feel to the story.
There is a lot of comedy in the game and I hope that is what will pull the gamers.
Plus I have thought of ways to keep the game interesting but not in a way that will make it similer to Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest.
Keep reading cause you will like it....It is warm.

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