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My short novel...RATE ITS STYLE.

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The Way I Am Somewhere in space…3 terran fighters. Captain: ”OK boys, let’s kick their ass.” Burner:”I copy that captain, it will be my pleasure. Yahooo…” C: ”Don’t get too happy Burner, we have a nice company. It is an entire f… in’ squad. Delta formation. Enemy at 1-0-1. Fire at will.” B: ”I gotcha. Weapons steady…fireeeeee.” Charlie: ”Hey Burner, are you talking alone or with the AB’s (Artifficial Brains)? I think…oh my god, it was close. I don’t remember seeing a so good AB.” B: ”They have downloaded your and they have mastered it…hahahaha…that’s why they are so good.” Ch: “Shut the f..k up. I have a bullshit on my six. Got a beer from me the one who’ll spread him around.” C: “Roger that Charlie. I’m comin’ to help ya…job done.” Ch: “Thanks captain. One more to go.” B: “It’s mine. I’ve been looking for him for all my life. I got him…eat this you scum. Yahhooo, mission accomplished sir. Let’s have the beer.” Ch: “Sorry guys I interrupt you, we have a problem…my radar detects a space perturbation 100 miles away, direction 12-6-0.” C: “Damn. Do you think it’s a cloacked ship?” Ch: “Negative. Ths signal is…enormous. It’s too big for a ship.” C: “Let’s get closer and scan it better.” B: “Roger that. I have a strange feeling. I wish I’d be in a battle ship and not in this flying box.” Ch: “What’s up Burner? Are you afraid?” C: “Let’s your fight for another time. We have serious work to do here.” Ch: “Sorry captain, I’m a little nervous.” C: “We all are nervous. Just wait and we shall see what is all about.” Ch: “Ya, ya..I know the lesson…waiting in progress. What the…” B: “My god. What is that? It’s a…ship?!!” Ch: “It’s huge. I think it’s 20 times larger than a battle ship. It is a commander ship from the AB’s. I love you captain. Burner, I am guilty for that stupid joke at your party, sorry man. I will die as a herooo…” C: “Weapons off-line, now!!!” B: “Captain?” C: “Now, I said. We are still alive, I don’t know why but we are still alive. And a don’t think it’s my worst day anyway.” B: “Sir, my fighter doesn’t respond to comms. I’m going down. Look..there is an opened gate…my shit goes straight to it. They have just captured us. Captain, I’m afraid.” Ch: (dreaming with open eyes)”Maybe they will take my brain…I will be connected to their neural network. Imagine.. a human brain connected to the computer…impossible.” B: “And all machines will blow up when they will meet your ‘artifficial stupidity’. Nice perspective.” Ch: “I think your brain has just been burned because of so much thinking.” Inside the big ship, in a hangar. Just lights and some big metal doors. Machine(voice):”I like your sense of humor.” C: “Did you heard that?” B: “What…this strange sound like vummm vummm?” C: “No…a voice, somebody is talking to us.” Ch: “Captain, are you all right? I didn’t heard anything.” M: “They are not able to receive our thoughts. Their brains are not evolved enough. We are able to send to them information but this will kill them. You are the only one that can receive us.” C: “Who are you…what are you?…why are we prisoners?” M: “You are guests…not prisoners. We…we are the Initiators, we have created what you call The Machine. Do you want to know what The Machine is?? C: “…yes.” M: “We consider you the right human being to talk to. Can you speak for you people? This is our first conflict between an Initiator and a human being. We want to put and end to our conflict. If you want to meet us physicaly step inside the sphere.” B: “Captain, it is a strange sphere here…” C: (pause, he is thinking):”I know Burner. We are going to meet the Machine.” Ch: “Huh?” When touched, the sphere has waves on it’s surface. But seemed solid after the captain stepped inside. The sphere exit the hangar and enters a large tunnel. It is moving at high speed. It enters in a vertical tunnel that seems it has no vertical limit…electrical shockwaves…on walls are something like a kind of capsules with…human brains?!! The captain find himself on a flying round platform in the middle of the tunnel. C: “An Infiltrator?!!” M: “No, just the body of him. He is a machine, but this one has a brain…a real one. I am the one of Initiators. We though it is easier for you to talk to somebody..physicaly…somebody like you.” C: “So…the Machine is ruled by…brains? We always though it was a computer, something….I don’t know what to say.” M: “Wait, I will tell you our story. We are an ancient people, so old so we don’t remember the beginning. What we know is after Great Changes. Then we become One. We unified our minds, our brains were connected to the computers. We are warriors, we wanted then to create a perfect weapon, to be able to strike all at once. And we are…We trained our minds to control materia. We can summon almost everything. Everything but brains…brain is the most complex thing in the Universe. And we assimilated the knowledge of thounsens of races. We have been evolving for millions of terestrial years. We are old. (Pause). You should be asking why we want to stop the conflict. We saw in you as a people us. We think that we are superior. But we can be wrong. Assimilating reces we modified you thoughs but we still maintain our personality. We can think as they’d do.” C: “I don’t understand why you want to stop the conflict…if you are able to control materia why didn’t you just blow up our ships, our planets…?” M: “When we are using our powers against materia we inflict energies that keep the Universe balanced. We don’t want to destroy it. We need it. Those energies will come against us with very destructive power. We must prevent this. It hurts us so we need it. You cannot feel this but we do. So we will watch his healing. The war is not the way we must keep. We felt your pain, your terror because of our army. Maybe we will learn this feeling from you…(pause) now it is time for you and your friends to leave. Go and let your people know what we told you. The Third Era has begun for us. We are evolving again. I am the Initiator... ----------------------------- Codman - "The source for all things" "We design for eternity" Mail: Codman_Wu@personal.ro

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Your style is very...unconventional, but I think it could work in the context of a science-fiction setting. The use of third person limited omniscient perspective is distracting if you want this to be a character centered dynamic, but it could work if you narrate from the point of view of a being who would have such a perspective.

Also, a stream of conciousness narrative is approached in several places, but is never developed enough to either add to or strengthen the storyline. Either add some exposition or kill more of it and head straight for the SoC style. Currently, it makes the story seem disjointed and jumpy, hopping from character to character and idea to idea.

The use of drama-esque naming ques is a good touch, but, again, requires the development of a more coherant formal structure for the story. The last part of the story abandons the structure, which weakens the overall impression. Either drop the style entirely or make it consistent. Cut out the ''stage direction'' cues, or limit them to only one line.

This style is interesting, and unique but it seriously lacks consistency.

Cheers,
-Operator

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