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Run_The_Shadows

It's time to critique me!

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I just wrote this at 2:00AM in the morning in about 20 minutes, it seems decent enough, but I''m wondering whether I should actually try to ''explore'' this world a bit more and see if I can cook up a design out of it. There hasn''t been a flyer in the scorched sky in over a generation. The forests left our fathers''s fathers''s fathers''s to a degree not recalled and now charred stumps are all we have to remember the great green trees by. Our world lives in sunset, the sky a constant fire reminding us of our payment for past sins. What is it, the great survivor-prophets ask of the newborns, that makes us so evil. Why is it that we alone are here, in this place, what did we do that the mighty Hell-Shaper himself took vengeance upon us and gave us this purpose. The wombs of the childrenbearing are growing ever barren and the strength is sapped from even the strongest of the enclave-fathers. Our homelands are a graveyard, both of our heritage and our world. The great ruins surround us as we huddle in our enclaves, frightened like children being told stories of the endless wanderers. The truly cursed amongst us. They have searched this world wide to find life again, and returned generation after generation with stories of but other enclaves huddled and hoping for else. They stay long enough to tell stories of what abominations they have seen, what this world has shaped men into, then leave in the dark of night to continue their penetant hunt, taking with them the eldest of us as the only charitable act they know; Saving us from watching our once-great hunters and childbearers fall to illness and the rot. It takes your long manes first, to take your pride; And as your self crumbles without the pride, your body no longer holds it''s strength, falling to wasting disease and live decay. The wanderers never appear with elders, they always leave with them. The seasons have deserted us to time, and we no longer know when we are. The skyburning is and shall always be, as it always has been. The eldest amongst us cannot remember an elder tell of even a tale of an elder''s elder who knew when last saw anything but the brimstone horizon. The deepest of the great ruins are home, the towers of earth and steel protecting us and reminding us that once we were better. The wanderers find relics in their travels and bring them to us in trade for our newbred. They repair the lifesuits that support us so that we might give them more in their quest. And we do, there are always more young to be given so long as we are alive. What is living, the survivor-prophets teach, but repayment for a servitude that we inherited. The contract was that of our heritage and the contract is thus ours. We maintain our contract, the survivor-prophets teach, by maintaining our enclaves so that the wanderers can maintain theirs through the Search. One day, it is foretold in the ancient books long gone dust, the green shall come again and the sky will be as sapphire; then only will our duty be done and our obligation be ended. - It''s a life''s work :Image Hosting @ $5/3 Months :30Gig/month bandwidth Reseller Plan @ $40/3 Month Generic WebHost: The Cheapest Hosting Around! -ryan@lecherousjester.com

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One word: Paragraphs.

What exactly is this for? Game? Book? Movie?

It''s awfully vague, which might be classified as foreshadowing or some clever kind of introduction. Maybe a monologue during an opening FMV, or something.

You make passing reference to a tribal system and to "life-suits", two things that cannot coincide, at least not without a sophisticated method of food acquisition. I''m not going to get all anthropological on you, though, especially since I''m not sure it''s even humans you''re working with.

Obviously post-apocalyptic. That''s always good. You''ve invested the cataclysmic mistake with religious significance, magnified over the ages, and turned history into myth. Also good.

You''ve got your endless search, which lends itself to a video game, and a blend of chaotic wasteland and high technology, which makes for good sci-fi/fantasy amalgamations. I approve.

Otherwise, it''s very scant. No characters, no detailed social structure, though you refer to "enclaves", no real history, except through myth, and no real purpose, besides suffering. You don''t invest the Wanderers with any real hope, but rather portray them as condemned to perform their futile rite of exploration. It''s like a desert version of Waterworld.

Basically, twenty minutes is a fair amount of time to have dedicated to this project. You''ve got some seeds of good setting and narrative, but nothing so well developed that it makes any sense. Judging by your prose, I''d say that not even you know what half this stuff is. Give it a few hours of work, and let''s see what you come up with.

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quote:
Original post by Avatar God
Well. Don''t have time to read it, but it looks good so far.

Except for the "fathers''s" part...

_GEo.


I picked that little oddity up from King''s "On Writing" which I believe originally came from Strunk & White. Always always always use "s''s" and not just "s''".


ICC :
-It''s just something that I felt compelled to write. It wasn''t planned or otherwise thought out, it just came.

-Humans, not, I really don''t know. I have just a vague image of who it is I''m talking about.

-Your final point is my exact question. It wouldn''t be difficult for me to come back to this ''idea/world/creation'' and flesh it out a bit more. Since I wasn''t exactly aiming at any sort of design or scheme, just off-the-top-of-my-head writing, it does lack characters or details. I''m just curious if it at least seems intriguing enough that I should do something with it, or whether I need to move on to one of the other worlds I have brewing in my head.

- It''s a life''s work
:Image Hosting @ $5/3 Months
:30Gig/month bandwidth Reseller Plan @ $40/3 Month
Generic WebHost: The Cheapest Hosting Around!

-ryan@lecherousjester.com

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Reminds me of Roland''s barren world of the Stephan King Dark Towers Series.

Someone already caught the possession "father''s" thing at the top.

If you ask yourself a question during a monolog, I think you still use a question mark.

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quote:
Original post by tgraupmann
Reminds me of Roland''s barren world of the Stephan King Dark Towers Series.

Someone already caught the possession "father''s" thing at the top.

If you ask yourself a question during a monolog, I think you still use a question mark.


I already answered about the possessives.

And I didn''t think a question mark felt appropriate.

- It''s a life''s work
:Image Hosting @ $5/3 Months
:30Gig/month bandwidth Reseller Plan @ $40/3 Month
Generic WebHost: The Cheapest Hosting Around!

-ryan@lecherousjester.com

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This definitely does have potential, but then so do a million other scenarios, and right now that's all it has... potential.
You still need a plot, or rather a reason for the player to be there. The world you described sounds enough to make someone suicidal, so the player needs to have enough reason not to just kill himself and get it over with.
I've taken it for granted that at the end of the game the player will cause the 'return of the green'. But you still have to make the journey to that point as engrossing as possible. There's also a nice setup there for the wanderers to be involved in some kind of conspiracy or be harbouring some sort of secret (eg. it's possible that only a small part of the world has been turned into desert and the 'wanderers' are actually smugglers that deal in human organs).
It has tons of potential! Almost as much as a blank sheet of paper!!

I think the question you should be asking yourself is does this idea appeal enough to you for you to put in the effort necessary to make it an epic!


[Edit: Grammar]

[edited by - thelurch on January 14, 2004 1:16:54 PM]

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Sounds like something that one might run across in a Fallout game... has someone been snitching file cabinets from the now-deceased Black Isle?

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quote:
Original post by SteevR
Sounds like something that one might run across in a Fallout game... has someone been snitching file cabinets from the now-deceased Black Isle?


In my head, I have to say this world is quite a bit bleaker than Fallout.

- It''s a life''s work
:Image Hosting @ $5/3 Months
:30Gig/month bandwidth Reseller Plan @ $40/3 Month
Generic WebHost: The Cheapest Hosting Around!

-ryan@lecherousjester.com

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It reminds me of The Dark Tower series as well. The style made me think of "Letter from Nebraska" by Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn in the LotR series).

I'm sure nobody has told you to always use "s's" even if the word doesn't end in "s;" probably what they were saying is that you alway use "'s" to make possessives, no matter what the final letter of the word happens to be.

See RULES OF USAGE.

[edited by - Lysander on January 19, 2004 2:44:39 AM]

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