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This is an action game were you control 6 characters in the persuit of there ultimate goal. Regina Yoshimitsu - Age: 26 --- A young Asian woman from england who is starting her new life in the big city. Mike Farley - Age: 15 --- A kid who was kicked out by his father three years ago when his mother died of the H-Fever David Sorral - Age: 31 --- A cabbie who descovers more that he wanted Sonny Troy - Age: 40 --- After his wife was killed 8 years back he became an alcoholic but now he sees through to the truth Phillip McNamara - Age: 22 After his Girlfreind is killed in cold blood he takes the law into his own hands to avenge her Kay Simons - Age: 29 --- a simple tourist looking for a motel after her car breaks down Each of them will unite and discover somthing that will change there outlook on life forever Comments

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This is an action game were you control 6 characters in the persuit of there ultimate goal.

Each of them will unite and discover somthing that will change there outlook on life forever

But where''s the game? What is the goal? What "something" changes their outlook on life forever?

Also, see 2003 movie: Identity
"When a nasty storm hits a hotel, ten strangers are stranded within and as they begin to know each other, they discover they are being killed off one by one."

They also "discover something that will change their outlook on life forever".

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comment on what?

All right. I see 6 names, along with a one-liner bio. These names don''t mean anyhting to me, I don''t even remember them.

A game is more than characters, and characters are more than just names, C-B.

I will offer some creative criticism for you, though. Um... elaborate. Who are these people, how do they relate to each other, and where are they?

I''m sorry if I come off harsh. Just sayin''

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I''m worried that if I''m controlling all six of the characters, and they''re all competing to attain the same goal, then they will just start to cooperate by virtue of me controlling them all. I''ll decide right from the get-go that I want Regina (you''ve used that name before, haven''t you?) to win, and so the other five will make sacrifices and act contrary to their own interests to ensure that she comes out on top at the end of the game.

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Okay here is more on the story.
I have put down just the beggining parts for the characters so you know what is going on.

Regina has just moved to West City and is just relaxing in her new home.
But when she goes into the kitchen to make a drink a theif sneeks in the window and trys to take her purse.
She stops the theif but she follows him to the roof to try and catch him but when she gets to the roof she finds a group of Mafia-like people taking some sort of box from the roof.
Suddenly sombody shoots the guys hand and the box falls onto the street and Regina is seen by the Mafia-Guys.

Mike is a theif who needs to steal to make a living and tonite is no differant.
Mike sneeks into a house and trys to take a purse full of cash but a young Asian woman sees him and Mike takes off into the night.
He then sees her folowing him and trys to evade her but he sees a group of men on the roof taking a small box.
Mike shoots the guys hand and the box falls down to the street but he notices that the thugs have seen the woman and he jumps over to the next roof to help her.

David was in a store buying some magazines when a small box falls on the ground next to him.
he picks up the box and looks at it closely and trys to open it.
but he hears gunfire on a nearby roof and bends down behind his cab to avoid stray bullets.
Suddenly a bullet hits the head of a young woman and she falls down dead.
David gets into his cab and speeds off to get away from danger.

Sonny was just drinking some cheap scotch in a alley while singing 'old grey mare' in a drunk voice.
he hears some gun fire and takes out his gun to defend himself but in his drunken state he pulls the trigger and a bullet hits a young woman across the street.
he snaps out of his drunken fantasy and runs off down the alley to hide from the law.

Phillip was walking with his girlfreind down the street when he hears gunfire from a nearby roof he croutch's down of the street to evade gunfire but his girlfreind is struck by a stray bullet and dies instantly.
A cabie next to him speeds off down the road and Phillip picks up his girlfreind and carries her body to the hospital.

Kay's car had broken down and she decided to stop by a small motel for the night.
but when she gets out her car a taxi comes crashing into her and she falls down.
she wakes up in hospital and sees and young asian woman looking at her with a teenager by her side.
she walks over to Kay and says 'Where is the box?'

Tell me what you think of it so far.

Oh and if you have any ideas for a title name then please post them

[edited by - CHASIS-BLADE on April 6, 2004 10:10:16 AM]

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It doesn''t tell us what''s going on, really. I assume that the game will be a quest for the box, but if that''s the case, then David already won.

Also, you skip a bit in Regina''s and Mike''s story. How and why did they get to the hospital? What do they know about the box? Why do they care?

It''s difficult to write parallel stories. you''ve given it a good shot here, but a bit more work is called for. Also, no alley-sleeping, cheap scoth-drinking hobo is going to have a firearm. Those things are worth at least a hundred bucks, and that''ll get you a lot of booze.

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Well consider the fact that he may have bought the Gun before he started drowno=ing his sorrows with scotch.
And yes...the box is a major part of the plot and will be what the group are serching for.
Also about Kay''s story - she was run over by a Taxi and taken to hospital - dont you think stuf may have happed while she was out cold and she may have recived the box at some point.

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[fun mode]
I feel there is a missing character:
Angela Godsend (24 years): girlfriend of Philip and sent on a quest by heavenly authority...

Angela was walking with her boyfriend down the street when she hears gunfire from a nearby roof. She is struck by a stray bullet and dies instantly. In Heaven she is received by John Cleese disguised as Saint Peter asking her to reincarnate herself into King Arthur to retrieve the Holy Grail that is hidden in the Box, and if it could also be possible to find out the meaning of life, it would be perfect thank you.
[fun mode off]

I remember there used to be a text game adventure where the player was alternatively playing six members of a team (don''t remember the name though, it''s been about 10 years ago at least). Each team member had some abilities that helped to solve the game puzzles and the player could not finish the game while playing one team member. The storyline was parallel since the player could switch team members when they were at the same place (allowing for some complex actions like Angie talks to office clerk, Brian steals a pen from the office clerk).

Is it what you are trying to achieve here ?

Red Ghost.

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In my opinion, there are too many characters. Drop one to make it 5 and you can develop each character a little more, unless each is absolutely essential to your story. If you do, I suggest you drop Kay.

How does Kay end up with the box (or why do they assume she has it) when we know it is David who has the box?

It's a good attempt at a story which intertwines events, but don't forget you'll need to explain to the player what the mafia have to do with this in the first place (why were they on the roof, why was the box on the roof, etc). Also, you'll need to display the story somehow. What kind of perspective is this game in (2D, 3D, ?) and how will you let the player see this introduction (a scripted sequence or a bunch of text paragraphs)?

You say it is an action game, where does the action come in (the mafia perhaps?) and how do the 6 characters interact?

One final thing:

After his Girlfreind is killed in cold blood he takes the law into his own hands to avenge her

She was shot by accident by Sonny, was she not?

[edited by - red_sodium on April 7, 2004 12:27:36 PM]

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I cant drop Kay because she is vital to the plot.
I really cant drop anyone.
About kay and the box - Well david picked it up and drove off in his taxi but he hit Kay on the way so he called 911 and got the ambulance but the box slipped out his poket and fell on the ground that is until Phillip finds it and takes it with hi but soon after he meets regina who asks him bout the box - Phillip lies to her and says that the girl who was run over (Kay) took it with her when she went to hospital...see.
The mafia were on the roof because before Regina moved in it was just and empty flat and the Mafia used it to hide stuff (Money, Drugs, Guns ect.) and they hid the box on the roof unaware that regina had moved in.
The game is in a 3D perspective and will be sort of like Broken Sword (Puzzle Elements) + Kingdom Hearts (Combat) + The Bouncer (Combat and the way you level up) + Final Fantasy VII (See Phoenix Drives).

Each Character has a personal skill:

Regina - Computer Hacker, Fast runner, Uses Knifes and Target Pistols.
Mike - Theif, Quite Fast Runner, Uses Guns and a short Blade.
David - Cabbie (He can Drive), Slow Runner, Uses Combat Knifes.
Sonny - Alchoholic and Drug User (Can use performance enhancing Items), Slow Runner, Uses Pistols.
Phillip - Lightweight (Good Jumper), Medium Speed Runner, Uses Uzi Pistols and Shotgun.
Kay - Shadow (Stealthy), Very Fast Runner, Uses Hands.

Like Limits from FF7 and Trance from FF9 they can be uses when a character has built up rage inside and can be unleased to Perform Devestating Attacks for a limited time.

If anything is not clear please tell me.
If asking questions please put them in the form of a numbered list (Easy that way).

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Throughout the game you will play as the 6 characters who are trying to recover the box.
They descover that inside is several viles of a new chemical that if mixed will create a gas that poisons the oxygen supply of the planet.

Please dont give me sarcasm or joke around with me.
I just want a honest opinion of my talets in writing...please!.

Trailer Script:

What if you could see more than what was in front of you?.
What if you could see an event from differant angles?.
What if there was no barriers in the pursuit of the truth?.
What if you could see....MORE!.


Regina Yosimitsu
Mike Farley
David Sorral
Sonny Troy
Phillip McNamera
Kay Simons



What do you think

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Okay... Nice, but your posts are always a bunch of disjointed ideas. You should give more detailed descriptions of events in the begining. You should have started with your description of how the characters connect (your April 6''th at 10 AM post), then promised more later. The reason everyone is complaining about you not giving enough information is that you are trying to cover all the plot in a few short sentences instead of concentrating on small bits to allow people to understand better what it is you are trying to do. Your short posts, like the one you started with, do not do your ideas justice.

I love the way the story weaves between the characters, and I''m assuming that continues throughout the game. Just add more detail of what''s happening, don''t assume we''ll know what happened between Mike helping Regina and them going to visit Kay at the hospital to get the box. You have to explain clearly. Set aside perhaps thirty minutes to an hour to write something clear, chronological, and logical and we''ll critique it, otherwise don''t expect us to be able to do much but flounder through the wide holes in your story telling. I like what you have, however, I just need more.

Good luck with this idea and your vampire story, too.
Richard Veysey, RichardMV

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First of all, I think you need to put a LOT of effort into developing a good villain. The "destroy the plant" thing is over the top. Who really wants to destroy the planet? Presumably the villian has to live here too. If not, then you have to describe who the villain is and why the villian would want to destroy the planet. What motivates the villain? Haveing a good (believable) antagonist is vital to this story. It will shape why the protagonists are fighting against it/he/she/them. Try to avoid the mad scientist trope. A rational villain is more compelling. The Villain in Timothy Zahns "Star Wars" trillogy is more interesting than Darth Vader, because he is more clever, more devious. Vader is Powerful, but Zahn uses one Thrawn who is really scary because he is a strategic genius. Just one example.
Secondly you are not ready for a trailer yet. In my opinion. Get the villian developed, then think about revising why and how the various characters are getting involved. It seems to coincedental to have all your characters get involved because they just happened to be on the street at the same time. If there is really something terrible in that box (terrible in a world destructive way) you need to think about including some special people. Secret government agents, military personel, alien shamans, or something. The don''t even have to be the main characters, but you need to include someone like that in a visible role.
In short, you need a plot. A developed, compelling plot. At the moment you have some characters, and a situation. Get out a pen and paper and start actually writing down what might happen, and why and when. If you are going to use the chemical vials, figure out who created them, and why, and for whom. Why do "Mafia-guys" (need better thugs, sorry)have the box on a roof top? And why does that woman live in a building where mafia-guys are likely to have dangerous chemical vials on the roof? You have an idea now. Stop being excited, and start asking these hard questions. Your story will change a lot, trust me. It could be completely different than how you now imagine it. But if you put the time into it, it will be better.

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I am still questionning the gameplay you are trying to achieve.

Your last trailer post led me to understand that the player will play the role of six persons *competing* towards the same goal. As a solo wargame player, I have played wargames with two or three armies competing towards their own goal (scenarios with 3 armies and a different objective for each army). It is extremely difficult for one player to do competitive actions against himself through different avatars: he will consciously or unconsciously twist his gameplay to attain a preferred objective. Still victory is then bitter because when one avatar has gained victory, the others have lost (this is why people prefer playing against oppenents: winning is challenging and more rewarding).

I would rather orient the gameplay towards cooperative team members and use puzzles that needs part or the full team. E.g. the content of the black box was stolen from a hidden research facility: entering the facility would need the cooperation of Regina(hacking to research facility IA defense system), Mike and Kay(to enter the facility) and David (to retrieve Mike and Kay and evade eventual pursuers). Still, how to play cooperative team members when there can be strong animosity between them (Phillip and Sonny comes to mind). The player is no schizophren and will act according to his own set of values. Mostly he will gladly sacrifice Sonny to attain his goal (Phillip subgoal is accomplished and the goal is attained - player morals may add one more hidden goal: no drugs, no alcohol ...).

Hope that helps.
Ghostly yours,

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Thanks alot guys.
I see where i have been going wrong.
How bout if i write each characters story and post them one at a time?.
It will take a while and i have a lot of things to do first but i will get there stories down..PROMISE!.

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