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CHASIS-BLADE

Blue Skies Always Bring Tommorow - Story and Character Profiles

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Allright... first off, appreciation. I''d give this a 4. Perhaps a 3, in fact. I''ll list the reasons why, as well as provide constructive criticism. And plenty of pecan pie.

"Far in the future Earth has become highly populated and Crime has soared to new Levels."
Ok, this is a good start. I can see how a rise in population would easily bring about a rise in anarchy: the more people, the less resources, the greater the want, the harder to control they are.

"The Hakashima Corperation is now in command of most of the worlds buissness and politics (Like Food, TV, Homes ect.)."
Ok, that sounds allright too. Though there''s somewhat of a cliché feel to this (big coorporation mysteriously controls pretty much everything in the world and monopolistic laws don''t so much as raise a finger) but it still works.

"Until a time the people trusted Hakashima until a group of People claimed that Hakashima was Evil and was hiding somthing from the public."
Well, this is where it starts breaking up. Basically, a group of people just step in, say "Hakashima is evil! They''re hiding something!" and then everyone suddently switches sides? What''s Hakashima hiding? You''re making it sound as though the group of people have absolutely no proof nor idea what''s being hidden, but just say there''s a coverup and that gets everyone on their side...

"More protests occur and soon the City is plunged into a 24/7 Warzone."
And, well, the shit just hit the fan around this part of the story... To sum things up, everyone pretty much likes Hakashima, a few people semi-randomly state there''s a coverup, then all hell breaks loose and it''s war. Also, by "The city," I''m guessing you''re saying that Hakashima doesn''t control the entire world? Is this just a localized civil war? What does Hakashima control?

"With the Death-Toll rising Hakashima decides that since the world is distracted from Hakashima they can experiment with the earth."
No, this is getting even worse... People get pissed at them, then fight each other, so Hakashima figures they''ll turn evil and screw with the world. I can''t seem to follow this chain of events at all.

"They release a Chemical into the atomosphere and it produces a everlasting layer of thick cloud that takes away the blue of the sky and the true strengh of the sun."
Meaning? What is "the true strenght" of the sun? Wouldn''t a thick cloud covering the world end up causing a greenhouse effect? Why, frankly, would Hakashima want to do this? A random "oh, we''ll just cover the sky in a thick cloud" course of action? It doesn''t seem like they have any reason to do this, nor that the world would survive for very long if the sky were blanketed in a thick sun-blocking cloud...

"Three years pass and the Riots are getting more extreme and groups of people decide to bring down Hakashima - these groups are now known as Destruction Groups and they are on a course to Bring down Hakashima and right the world once more."
But the attention was drawn away from Hakashima. Weren''t the riots caused by hyperactive kiddies learning that there''s been a proofless-coverup and then rioting for no reason? Why go after Hakashima when so little focus has been put on them?

"The question is Why Hakashima did this and why do they continue to do nothing for the riots and the sky."
Exactly...

"I want it to be called ''Blue Skies Always Bring Tommorow'' because It sounds really cool and There has not been a game with such a long title."
You do realize that a cool title has absolutely nothing to do with a good, realistic, working storyline?

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Thanks RuneLancer for the tips.

When i said ''True Strengh of The sun i mean that it would just look cloudy out and the suns light would be toned down (Just like when its cloudy).


I know the Evil coperation thing has been done before (Final Fantasy VII, The Bouncer and Fighting Force) but even so i may change it later.

And Hakashima is hiding somthing.
I just have not got to that yet.

Please stay tuned

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Chasis, from my experience with your posts, you often don''t complete your stories. To see what I''m talking about, check the last topic you posted. It ends with you promising to clear up all the mystery and reveal part one of the story. You do this a lot with your stories. We''re not the people you should be hiding the plot twists from. The people on this forum are here to help you with your writing, and they can''t really do that unless you reveal your whole story the entire way through (well okay, they could help you anyway, but it helps them and you more if you complete the story). I''m not saying you need to write out the entire book. Just give an overview of the entire story arc with all of the important details listed. Things like why the Hakashima are doing this elaborate scheme are important. Normally you might not need to bother mentioning the reason, but because you have them doing something so unreasonable and confusing, you should list the secret reason why.
Anyway, I do enjoy your "passion" for writing stories. Keep actively trying to hone your skills, it''s impressive to see how hard (or at least how often) you try.

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I agree with BrentBarrett: you shouldn''t keep plot twists away from people you want to help you revise and polish your story. As it is, it sounds like you don''t quite know where you''re going with this yet, but have some ideas (ie, you''re planning on having Hakashima covering up something major, but don''t know yet).

And, frankly, if we don''t know what''s going on behind the scenes, we can''t quite analyze what you give us. It''s hard to find a story realistic if what we''re given is only a small part of it. Currently, it sounds like Hakashima decided to blanket the world in smog just for the fun of it, and that makes absolutely no sense and holds zero credibility.

...Well, they did it in the Simpsons... And Butters was planning on doing it in South Park until they pointed out to him that the Simpsons did it before... Ahem.

My point is, don''t hide things that are vital to understanding the story if you want us to review it.

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Okay I have (phew) Changed the story once Again.

Far in the Future Pollution has Soared to new levels,
The mass of Fumes and Smoke have taken the toll on the sky and changed it forever.
First The sky went from Blue to Grey and Finally to A horrible Black.
The Sun was blocked out and the Temperatures began to drop.
Vegitation began to die but thankfully Synthetic foods were easily mass produced Averting world hunger.
Soon after the sky ''died'' a Scientist named Dr Simon Law Developed a New Formula that could Destroy the layer of Pollution around the earth but Before he could Finish it he Vanished Without a Trace.
The people were scared and claimed that God had set the Rapture upon man for the Sins they had Commited.
Riots and Looting Began to soar and Crime is now more common than walking!.
But there are a few who choose to stop this Disaster and Reclaim the earth for the people who live in it.
These ''Harmony Groups'' Have now sprung up all over the world and are trying to clean up the world.
One of the groups (The ReaL) have decided to do the impossible and try to Find Dr Law and restore the sky to it''s true glory.

Stop Crime
Help People
Kick Ass
Save The Sky - The Impossible..yet...they may Bring Tommorow a Blue Sky.

What do you thing of Re-Write Number Three?

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Wouldn''t it be better to, y''know, work on one of your already existing storylines and hammer out the bugs negative criticism has brought and expanding on the good parts positive criticism gave out instead of starting over every time?

Anyhow...

Far in the Future Pollution has Soared to new levels,
Sounds good; the pollution-soaked futuristic world is a slightly cliché setting (like the post-apocalyptic future one) but a working concept nevertheless.

Vegitation began to die but thankfully Synthetic foods were easily mass produced Averting world hunger.
The point is, what about oxygen? Plants transform CO2 into oxygen. Food isn''t much of a concern when you have no air to breath.

Before he could Finish it he Vanished Without a Trace.
Eh, why? What caused him to vanish? Sounds to me when you hold THE answer to solving the world''s problems in your hands, you don''t just wander off and take a vacation or something. Furthermore, if this is the overall goal of the game (finding the dude), what''s to stop him from just completing his experiment flat out without the player''s assistance? "Oh, thank god you people found me! I was lost in this... uh... brothel... ahem. Yes, I''ll save the world and stuff with my product, don''t worry, just gimme a sec..."

The people were scared and claimed that God had set the Rapture upon man for the Sins they had Commited.
Religion having such a strong grip on people in the future? Not very likely. Seriously, though, your humans would have to be pretty dumb to blame this on God. Even now, with our not-so-futuristic technology, we can tell what pollution is responsible for and not.

Riots and Looting Began to soar and Crime is now more common than walking!
So... it''s dark and cold, so absolute anarchy runs rampant and there''s no longer any law. I dunno... there doesn''t seem to be a very strong link there. Panic would cause it, but I hardly think this is something that happened overnight. People would have time to adapt. "Sigh, the sky''s getting so dark. What a pity, our children will never see the light of day..." "Hey, dude..." "Yeah?" "Screw this shit, let''s panic and go on riots!" "Oh, sweet! I''m with you, man! :D"

One of the groups (The ReaL)
Ok, this is absolutely unrelated to the story and just nitpicking, but I have a serious problem with this. What kind of name is that? It''s not so much the name as the spelling that annoys me. This just sounds like a blantant ripoff of FF8''s "SeeD" and doesn''t seem to have any actual meaning. Is it an acronym? Is there any significance behind it? At least FF8 justified it by having the "SeeD" organization come from academies called "Gardens" but even that has a rather lame feel to it. There''s just no meaning behind the name nor the awkward capitalization...

Overall, I think you should pick one of your stories and work on it instead of ditching them everytime something comes up and starting anew. They all have potential, but if you throw away a rough draft and never move on to the final copy until your draft is 100% fine the first time through, things''ll never get done...

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First of All the name for the Group (The ReaL) is A Typo.
I is supposed to be ''The Real Lie''.

''think you should pick one of your stories and work on it instead of ditching them everytime something comes up and starting anew.''

Well RuneLancer I would like to point out that i am Only 16 and on Wednesday i put up a notice on my other thread saying that i was putting the The story on hold as i Need more time to write it.
But dont get me wrong - I love writing games and i like to put up My Ideas on this board when they come to me.
I am trying my best - At least give me that

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I''m not trying to bring you down; I admire people putting effort in their work. I''m 19, myself, and I''ve been working on projects of my own ever since, heck, as long as I can remember.

What I''m trying to say is that you seem to do this sort of thing quite often. You''ll start a thread or a story, work on it, end up having a few problems pointed out in your story, then you''ll either start a new thread or completely rewrite the entire story in a fully different way instead of trying to fix the problems with the old one.

And, trust me, in a few years you''ll start to feel old. Rather old. Y''know, when you get a job in the programming industry (software engineering (my current job), game dev, whatever it is...) and have stress to contend with, and lots of coffee to cope, and when you realize all you''ve been doing is working on your projects and keeping away from a social life... Well, that''s when you can look back to your completed projects and tell yourself, man, I''d soooo do this "being a geek" shit a hundred times over. :D

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