Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

CHASIS-BLADE

A small script i made...Please Judge!

Recommended Posts

Remember I wrote that game 'Outbreak' a little while ago?.... well I have changed the plot and fix parts of the story so it may be a little better!. Act One: A young woman walks into the Yoshimitsu Corp Tower and walks up to the security desk. Guard: Morning Regina...How’s Things? Regina: Oh same old...toaster broke this morning so im a little hungry...but im okay. Guard: Kay....Lets get this over with and this time put yer keys in the dish. She puts some pennies and her keys into a small dish and steps into the Scanner and the Guard pushed some buttons on the Computer. Computer: SCANNING......NO METAL DETECTED.... VERIFIED FOR ENTRY....NAME...REGINA YOSHIMITSU...VICE PRESIDENT OF YOSHIMITSU CORP. Guard: Have a good one today!. Regina: Thanks! END - ACT 1 Act Two: After riding the Elevator she walks to the main office on the top floor and waits outside in the Secretary’s office (Phone Rings) Secretary: Yes.... okay I’ll send her in. (She hangs up the Phone) Secretary: He will see you now miss Regina: Thanks. Regina Opens the door and steps into the office Regina: Good morning...Sir Chairman: Ah good morning...do you have the files ready?. Regina: Yes I do. (She hands the Chairman a Folder) Regina: Our current estimate for our sales this term are over 21.2 Billion Dollars and our estimates for the next term will be well over... Chairman: I see...well...seems we are doing well this year...but there is something I must ask you? Regina: Uh...yes? Chairman: Why did you have to leave so early last night...you know that your brother... Regina: I know...but I felt odd around him last night...I know he is getting married but.... he feels like some other person.... I didn't like it one bit! Chairman: You should not condone your brother just because he is getting married tomorrow night...he hasn’t been happier since.... ever! Regina: Well...it's not just him...that bitch of his is a right bother...she was bugging me all night. Chairman: Regina! Regina: Dad...im not saying she’s a bad choice for Kirk but she might use the Company for her own use...she might bring us down if she gets it one day...How do we know if she is going to lead Yoshimitsu down the right path in the future?. Chairman: It is just like riding a Bike.... tricky at first but then easier later on. Regina: Oh...that’s a great way to put it dad!...let the whole company go downhill like a bike with no breaks!. Chairman: Regina...Family first..Comapany second!. Regina: Oh bugger off!. Regina Storms out of the room Chairman: REGINA...COME BACK HERE NOW! Two G-Men come in Chairman:...Is it today.... very well END - ACT 2 Act three Regina walks out of the Building and lights up. She walks down the street when she hears a large bang in the distance. Regina: What the hell? Regina Smells something sweet in the air Regina:...mmm...that’s nice..Ah..HACK..HACK Regina Struggles to breath for a minuet but then suddenly is able to once more. Regina: GASP...god...what was that! Suddenly a group of guards wearing HAZ-MAT gear surround her. Guard 1: Regina...your father needs to see you now! Regina:. What the hell happened?...tell me now! Guard 2: A tanker carrying a new chemical was detonated just a few miles away...we need to take you to your father now Regina:....no....not just now Guard 1: Your life may be in danger!...your father needs to see you now! Regina: NO! Regina Struggles but the guards grab her Guard 1: sorry but we have to sedate you if you wont co-operate!. The Guard uses a Hyper-Inject modual containg a knock-out drug on her and she gets dizzy and tired Regina:...ohhh...ahhhhh (She Blacks out) ????: Leaver her alone! Guard 1: Step back! (Fires gun) ????: Stay away from her now!...She is not another test subject..Like the others (A swoshing sound is heard) Guard 1: AHHHHHHH (More Swooshing sounds are heard) Guard 1 & 2: AHHHHHHHHH ????: Don’t worry...your safe from them now! END - ACT 3 what do you think??? At 10:45am I fixed most the Typo's [edited by - CHASIS-BLADE on May 18, 2004 10:46:25 AM]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apart from a handful of spelling and grammatical errors, it''s not too bad. A few more drafts will smooth out some of the awkwardness in the dialogue, and the key points, like finding out that the Chairman is Regina''s father, will be a little crisper. You''ve implied a lot more than you''ve explained with this, and so the brother situation, the fiancee, and how exactly the fiancee will exercise control over the company is left hazy.

The fancy metal detector gives it a good sci-fi feel, and will allow you to slip in things like hyper-inject modules later on without hurting suspension of disbelief. Good move. Although Act One isn''t much of an act at all.

It''s easy and tempting to turn this into a fairly standard anime balance, with characters being invincible when they''re introduced, and gradually growing less impressive as time goes by, finally being next to useless when they actually become playable. Make sure you balance the superpowers properly. If ????? can "swoosh" a handful of armed guards into submission after he''s issued a verbal challenge and been shot at, he had better not get his butt kicked by meat-and-bone guards later on just so Regina can do some solo work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Anonymous Poster
First thing... Don''t call it an act if it is not a full blown act. You have more like a scene for each of your so called "act"
another thing, I''m not an expert but I will try to help. I can be brutally honest so, bare with me...


-scene one

This probably should be the most important aspect about you''re script. You should try to set up things for the entire script. Like the setting and time.. Also, you should try to describe who the character is and how the building looks like. For example, "a young woman" is too generic and leaves no impression of the character. Is she in a business suit? Is she carrying a brown file or cream colored file? What about her hair? Does she walk fast or slow? I would like to see these characters instead of reading about them. Some people might argue that these are trivial facts but, in reality, it''s not. It helps the reader to establish mental pictures and the mood of the entire script.

The conversation between the guard and Regina is typical and very acceptable to many audiences. However, if you trully want to separate you''re script from others then I suggest you add some depth to it. For instance, "toaster broke this morning so I''m a little hungry... but I''m okay." I guess you''re trying to show that they are having a generic, everyday conversation. But, I see a potential for foreshadowing here. I fully realize that I didn''t read you''re entire script therefore, I can''t really say anything about foreshadowing but, my point is that it can have more meaning than anyone can see.

-Scene two

The conversation between Regina and the secretary can go. It''s unnecessary. Since, you''re gonna present this in a visual medium hopefully, you have established enough for the audience to realize that this is in a big corporation building with few secretaries in it.

I commend you for not allowing the characters to speak to the audience. The conversation feels more authentic. However, major improvements can be made. First, add character. These characters should have their own unique voice. Let''s see how we can achieve this.

Regina sounds like another employee in the beginning and suddenly calls the Chairman her dad. I like how you chose to reveal instead of telling this fact but it''s too sudden. You could have given some hint in the beginning of the conversation. And Regina seems to be inconsistent with her character. She seems like this strong businesswoman who is not afraid to address her dad very formally in a company setting. Yet, see still uses such unprofessional terms like, "buggin", "bitch". Another, she''s strong yet she storms out of the office.. Obviously, showing emotion. Seems to me sees really emotional and doesn''t seem to fit the character. I guess not setting up the mood and the character solidly in the beginning is affecting your work a little bit.

The chairman''s metaphor of riding a bike is somewhat awkward. Someone who seemed to be so intelligent, comes up with a very flawed metaphor as riding a bike. Bump up the intelligence level.
Additionally, the chairman says, "family first, company second." This seems like his philosophy in running his company yet, when his beloved daughter comes through the door he asks for the file instead of a warm greeting. Even having the secretary telling Regina that she can come in shows how much the Chairman is acting more like a chairman instead of a father.

-scene three

Pretty good here but, I suggest compressing a little bit. Which means use small amount of words to quicken the pace. You''re pace is fine but, it can be improved. Also, using more narrative style let the readers fully realize what is going on will help the reader keep reading.

The problem with my commentary is that I haven''t seen the entire thing. I can see flaws but without the entire script I can''t give better comments. Lot''s of potential though. I hope you keep writing and please, please finish your writing. I would love to see your completed script in the future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi there!
I have taken your comments quite well and have decided to post this Remake of Part one.
It is longer than the first Version but i think it is more Movie like!.
I have also named the Story.....Total Purge!
Please enjoy and dont worry....part two is on its way!.

Total Purge

Part One: Infection

(Two white doors are shown slowly sliding open and as they open we are blinded by a bright light that slowly fades)
(A young Asian woman comes into view with long hair tied back in a pony-tail with a small blue elastic and a smart black Business suit)
(She walks quickly into the building which is very tall and hollow and has a large tree growing in the center of the foyer)
(she walks past a few Talking ads that flash up on the wall)

Ad 1: Hey Regina!…do you know what is better than coffee?
Ad 2: Regina…I think we should check you for Dandruff!

(She keeps walking until she sees an ad that grabs her attention)

Ad: Regina!....maybe you could use the new Massage shower from Yoshimitsu Plumbing!, It senses your physical condition and adjusts the water to suit your needs!, The new Massage Shower+ only from Yoshimitsu.

(A jingle is heard from the Ad)

Ad: Yoshimitsu – We Protect You

(Regina smiles and looks at her watch and it says 10:32am)

Regina: Oh dear…late again!
Ad: Regina…The chairman is expecting you!

(Regina runs to the security desk and stops when she reaches the Electronic shield)

Regina: Steve!….I’m late….LET ME IN!

(a man from behind the counter who is wearing a small cap and a badge with a blue uniform stands up and looks at Regina)

Steve: Okay Reg!…Just gimme your ID and I’ll let ya in!

(A small metal plate comes out of the shield like magic)
(Regina Presses her finger on The Plate)
(Steve Presses a few buttons and the computer makes a sound and the shield opens)

Regina: Thanks

(Regina runs through the shield and toward the elevator)
(She presses the button on the door and it opens instantly)
(She dashes in)

Regina: Chairman’s Office Authorisation Level 25 7564
(The doors close Quickly and the Elevator shoots up at nearly 30mph)
(The computer begins to speak)

Computer: Good morning Regina…we will arrive at the chairman’s office in 32 seconds….do you want to know the headlines?
Regina: Yes
Computer: The new Massage Shower+ from Yoshimitsu Plumbing has sold over 40 Million units so far….I believe that you headed the development….my congrats to your success.
Regina: Why thank you…your very kind.
Computer: We have arrived on level 560 – Chairman’s office

(The doors open slowly and Regina walks out quite quickly)
(she goes up to the door and opens it slowly and looks inside)

Regina: Oh….Not again!

(The camera turns and it is revealed that it is like a golf course from Scotland)
(Regina walks in and the wind blows at her hair)

Regina: (Shouting) Are you in here?
Chairman: Yes over here!

(Regina walks up to the 5th hole were the Chairman who is dressed in a grey suit is trying to get the ball in the hole)
(He taps the ball and it rolls into the Hole)

Computer: Score….8
Chairman: DAMN!….well at least I’m getting better!….Computer….End Simulation.

(The room goes all wavy and the room transforms into a large office with a large TV and a Balcony Window)

Chairman: I hate the look of this room….maybe I make it like a Nightclub?
Regina: Maybe you should make it into a sort of Chillout room with bean-bags and a mini bar?
Chairman: he he he…maybe….but now to buissness….do you have files?
Regina: Yes sir…..there right here

(Regina reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small case and hands it to the Chairman)
(The chairman opens the box and takes out a small card and inserts it into a small port in his desk light)
(The light goes all wavy and changes into a computer and the chairman starts typing)

Regina: I was told that the Massage Shower+ sold very well
Chairman: Ah good good….well….at least we have a good mind in the family!
Regina: Thank you dad….will that be all?

(The Chairman turns off the Computer and looks at Regina)

Chairman: Regina…we have to talk!…..you see….things have come up and even though you are a good Member of the Yoshimitsu family…and our Family….I’m afraid that I will have to let you go for a few months!
Regina:…What…(Places hand on her chest)…why…im going to have to run The company when you die!
Chairman: and you will!…but I just need you out of the way for a little while!
Regina: But I!
Chairman: I will give you a lump sum of $82.000….A gift for you!…I just need you out of harms way!.
Regina:…dad!….

(Regina turns and runs out of the room and back into the Elevator)
(She turns and looks at her father with stern eyes)

Regina:…Ground!

(The elevator doors slide shut and the elevator goes back to ground level)
(Regina steps out of the Elevator and heads to the exit)

Steve: See Yah Reg!
Regina: in a few months perhaps

(Regina steps out of the building and heads to the Hyper-Lifts)
(She looks back at the Building which is surrounded by trees and is very tall)
(She turns around again and goes over to the viewing Platform and looks down at Sanctuary City)
(The city has many large towers and is mostly covered with trees and gardens but still has roads)
(Regina heads to one of the lifts and the lift goes down automatically
(As she goes down her watch makes a small bleeping sound)
(She presses a button on her watch and a holographic image of The Yoshimitsu logo appears)

Watch: Hello…Regina…I just want to let you know that $82.000 has been added to your account and that you also have a voice message…Playing..
Chairman:….Regina…don’t be angry!…..please.
Watch: End of messages

(Regina pushes another button on her watch and the hologram disappears)
(The lift slows down and Regina steps out into the city)
(She walks slowly through the park but soon hears a large bang in the distance)

Regina: What the hell?

(Regina looks up at the Headquarters of Yoshimitsu and sees that part of it is on fire)
(Regina starts to feel woozy)

Regina:…oh…oh shit!

(Regina passes out cold but hears some voices talking over her)

Mysterious voice 1: It seems that we have another one
Mysterious voice 2: Yeah but we have to wake her up!
Mysterious voice 1: Why?
Mysterious voice 2: Because in a few hours we will all be infected…and she is our last hope for a cure.

End of Chapter 1

Please tell me what you think....and if there is anything that i need to change....just tell me!
Thanks a bunch!
P.S. this was pretty easy to do...so if you will accept it...can i write all my storys from now on in script form?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The, uh, chemical explosion/fire sure happened fast. Either her dad was just a little too slow about getting her out of the way or it was unexpected? I don''t know, but I presume you''ll explain later in the game.

I guess you could have her hear a bang, pause, look back, walk back down a street/alley and THEN see the building on fire and start to wonder. Add a line or two, make her start to move, and then pass out.

As Iron Chef said, there are a few grammatical errors, but nothing major. Definately better than the original one.

And THANK YOU for removing the reference to the G-Men; I know what you meant, but it brings up bad memories.

When she runs up to the security counter, the conversation is a little strange. I see her just storming up, throwing her badge at the guy, maybe adding a "Dammit, I''m gonna be late" and maybe an "Okay Reg, go on" from the guard as she walks past.

You pull off the talking ads pretty well.

When she talks to her dad... it doesn''t feel right. Especially the "lump sum of 82,000". Just rework it again, and see if it comes out any better.

Anyways, nice. Good luck with the rest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Q&A Time:

----------------------------------------------------------------
The, uh, chemical explosion/fire sure happened fast. Either her dad was just a little too slow about getting her out of the way or it was unexpected? I don''t know, but I presume you''ll explain later in the game.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The explosion was Unexpected and all will be revealed later.

----------------------------------------------------------------
I guess you could have her hear a bang, pause, look back, walk back down a street/alley and THEN see the building on fire and start to wonder. Add a line or two, make her start to move, and then pass out.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I cant change that because that is the way the story goes...sorry if it is a little confusing but i will explain it!

----------------------------------------------------------------
When she runs up to the security counter, the conversation is a little strange. I see her just storming up, throwing her badge at the guy, maybe adding a "Dammit, I''m gonna be late" and maybe an "Okay Reg, go on" from the guard as she walks past.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Regina is a nice lady who is Vice President of Yoshimitsu Corp - She is not one who would do somthing like you suggest

----------------------------------------------------------------
You pull off the talking ads pretty well.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks....I also hoped you would notice the slogan for the company! Yoshimitsu - We protect you

----------------------------------------------------------------
When she talks to her dad... it doesn''t feel right. Especially the "lump sum of 82,000". Just rework it again, and see if it comes out any better.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Again i cant change that! - The money is Vital to the game and the way her Father speaks to her is proof that somthing is wrong...like he is bribeing her...But anyway the money is importaint!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for your comments - Please be sure to check out my Battle system i am putting into it at the Game Design Forums on this site!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lol, I''m not sure if I suggested anything useful. Just have to wait for the rest of the script, I suppose. I didn''t realize it was *supposed* to be out of the blue (well, as far the gamer is immediately concerned).

And I still don''t like the guard scene. But I imagine it would be fine with visuals (which is the whole point, so just disregard this post).

Nice!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Anonymous Poster
quote:
Original post by CHASIS-BLADE
Q&A Time:

----------------------------------------------------------------
The, uh, chemical explosion/fire sure happened fast. Either her dad was just a little too slow about getting her out of the way or it was unexpected? I don''t know, but I presume you''ll explain later in the game.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The explosion was Unexpected and all will be revealed later.

----------------------------------------------------------------
I guess you could have her hear a bang, pause, look back, walk back down a street/alley and THEN see the building on fire and start to wonder. Add a line or two, make her start to move, and then pass out.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I cant change that because that is the way the story goes...sorry if it is a little confusing but i will explain it!

----------------------------------------------------------------
When she runs up to the security counter, the conversation is a little strange. I see her just storming up, throwing her badge at the guy, maybe adding a "Dammit, I''m gonna be late" and maybe an "Okay Reg, go on" from the guard as she walks past.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Regina is a nice lady who is Vice President of Yoshimitsu Corp - She is not one who would do somthing like you suggest

----------------------------------------------------------------
You pull off the talking ads pretty well.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks....I also hoped you would notice the slogan for the company! Yoshimitsu - We protect you

----------------------------------------------------------------
When she talks to her dad... it doesn''t feel right. Especially the "lump sum of 82,000". Just rework it again, and see if it comes out any better.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Again i cant change that! - The money is Vital to the game and the way her Father speaks to her is proof that somthing is wrong...like he is bribeing her...But anyway the money is importaint!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for your comments - Please be sure to check out my Battle system i am putting into it at the Game Design Forums on this site!



Do you ever listen to any of the suggestions people give you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I DO!
I do listen to what people say!
But i am going on Vacation now so i will be back in two weeks and you will get the next part of the story.
It will be good!.
BYE!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites