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Game story I made

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Heres a story I made for an adventure game I had in mind. Though its not the whole story, just a little background on what its about. Please post your opinions. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Thousands of years ago, an ancient manuscript that explains a bizarre art of the birth of races and how life started awaits in the world of Noturna. The world of Noturna is filled with lush beautiful lands filled with mystery and exotic myths. The manuscript includes the five steps of creating a new order of life, which are: psyche- development of the mind spirit- development of strength and character Culture- development of the way of life Mileu- development of nature Race- development of ethnics The Scoundrels, who created the manuscript are a race of brutal demons. They are haters of the Viriouz people, who are a human race. The Viriouz people battled in previous encounters with the Scoundrels. Due to the large popularity of the human race the Scoundrels didn’t have a big enough army to defeat the human race. The two different races agreed that they both should live on opposite sides of the world. A few decades later the Scoundrels came back to the world of Noturna with an army of over 600 million demons. The Scoundrels finally had victory and slashed and killed more then half of the Viriouz people. The Scoundrels left Noturna leaving the destroyed cities and towns behind. Noturna’s economy was shattered and the population was very low. Year 2902, in modern day Paris, technology is integrated in the city. Using advanced technology and intelligent programmers/engineers/scientists, the government created cyborgs to patrol the city and stop crime or any one doing something against the law. The cyborgs are programmed to scan humans, receive their background information, and identity. The world of Noturna is just a myth. But until some of the pages from the manuscript had been discovered is when people began to wonder. The few pages of Culture (development of the way of life) from the manuscript and can be seen at some of Paris’ most famous museums. Recently the pages have been stolen from the museums. Strange things have been happening in Paris. Good people are killing others, skipping work/school, trashing the city, stealing, and basically changing their daily habits. The people think it has to do with the stolen pages from the manuscript, but the government seems to disagree with them. People have come to the conclusion that some stole the manuscript to take other lives from humans so they can have full control of a new race. The government is killing any type of suspicious person they might think is apart of the crime so they can stop the crazy rampage of peoples habits. But the government has made it even worse. The people have started riots because the government is killing innocent people and not thinking of good solutions to fix the cities problems. Ava Holmes is a talented writer and attending college in Paris. She has chosen her project on the manuscript, “Five Steps of Life”. Her parents died when she was a little girl and she’s lived with her grandparents in America until they died early in the year while Ava was attending college. This is the first time she''s been away from home. She''s depressed, lonely, and unsure of herself. The only person she''s really met was a girl named Sarah in her writing class. Ava is very unsure of Sarah’s energetic outgoing character. One night, Ava walked out of her apartment to go for a walk. The streets of Paris were rather quite and she only saw a few people. She sits on a bench for a while looking up at the sky. She says to herself, “Is there a other world in that universe above? How come our only race in our world are humans? Will someone ever reclaim the fallen race?” Ava looks away from the sky and feels frustrated. “This whole manuscript has taken over me!”, Ava says to herself. She then stands up and starts walking in the cold and empty streets. She notices a nice looking man in a business suit walking her way. He walks past her and smiles, Ava smiles back. Ava thinking to herself, “That was random, a wealthy looking man in a business suit walking this late on empty streets? Weird.” She stops out of curiosity to see where the man is going, but as she turns the man is standing right in front of her. He raises his arm and whacks Ava across her head, knocking her out. Ava wakes up with the sun glaring in her eyes. “Where am I?”, Ava says very confused. She gets up and sees a world full of lush green mountains. Huge trees stare down at her with beams of light shinning between the leaves. “Is this dream? It seems so real.”, Ava says.

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"Five Steps of Life", or "How to Create Human in Five Simple Steps". Very good conception, makes reader think Humans were created by some unknown and maybe alien tinkerman. Very imaginative conception good for main book thread. Though maybe I would change some parts of the recipe to reflect Freud theory: the ego, id and super-ego. Change the Race to Consciousness and put it as first position on the list?
I don't like the idea of parents and grandparents being all killed. This is way too simplistic. Same thing with loosing consciousness. The two alien races battling each other remind me Warcraft. I think You need more mysterious atmosphere out there.
On the other hand games often do not have to have ambitious and overly complicated scenario. When I imagine myself standing in green jungle right after being hit by the suitman at night in Paris it seems appealing. Add to this some moss-covered ruins, some Viriouz tribals who have forgotten about their glorious history...

Good enough but not exceptionally good, this scenario. Write something more. How did it end?

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Why not drop the magic and go the way of science? Instead of the 5 steps, have it be a manuscript on how to build a human from scratch through genetic engineering. It can be a discovered alien artifact, put on display, then stolen. Noturna can be the alien home planet.

The totalitarian government with the death penalty for all crimes is cool, akin to The Man-Kzin Wars. Let it be ambiguous as to what is happening with people. Innocents being condemned like in The Crucible is always cool. Being on the verge of civil war is also cool.

A plot twist: First it seems that the government or a third party is performing disturbing experiments in genetics, through the discovery of a lab containing the results of such experiments, whereas they are actually reproducing the alien design process. Here you can go the way of Aliens IV, and have Ava be the final result of these experiments ... thus her name ... Eve, the mother of all mankind. Going with this, you can have her meet the aliens and be recognized. Her past must then be a construction, like in Bladerunner. Sarah, her "friend", is keeping track of her. There would have to be an Adam somewhere of course.

It is very tempting to insert all sorts of religious references in this sort of thing, the coming of the Apocalypse and what-not, but it also complicates matters, so you can simply choose to let religion be outlawed.

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So far I like the idea. There’s enough turmoil happening for some good conflict, but its happening in the background just enough to be passed off as ‘that stuff in the papers’.

Im not sure about the whole two worlds thing. The idea of travelling to a new and amazing land through dimensions or similar seems a bit overdone. Of course, the world Ava wakes up in could just be a dream of what the world used to look like, and doesn’t actually exist anymore.

How about if it is set on Earth, and the scoundrels are humans? These Viriouz are trying to recapture the planet as they can turn it into an Eden again, but to do that they need to get rid of us. Ava could be in turmoil about the fact that on one hand the world could be made perfect if the Viriouz get their way, but on the other hand she doesn’t believe humans should die. This way the Viriouz could keep getting her to do favours until one point in the game Ava draws the line, even though she isn’t sure what she wants.

Either way:
If humans win: Bad guys in the story win. Not good.
If Viriouz win: Good guys win but we all die. Not good.

This would have the player guessing all the way to the end just how in the hell this would finish up. An alliance wont work because they tried that and we killed them all.

Just my 2c

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