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Please Read my Story

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Okay. I have been away for a while...sorry...but i have Re-Written this Story several Times now...please read it and tell me if it is good. I would also like to say that English (Not the Language) is not my Strong point so please give me some pointers in areas that need Work. Total Purge By Kyle Allan Prologue: In the Beginning of the 24th Centaury the HopesWind Corporation was the Largest Industry on Earth, It Paid well, The Benefits were great and people enjoyed working there. HopesWind manufactures Health Care, Plumbing, Carpets, Clothes, Education, Building Supplies, Office Supplies, Electrical Goods, Kitchen Supplies and it even has a Huge share of the TV Networks. They have Prospered ever Since they were founded in the Late 21st Centaury and The Company earns over Forty Billion Dollars a month, But this was not to last. Even though HopesWind is a Family company and the High-Ups are all related….There can still be corruption!. Chapter 1: Infection Another day began at HopesWind Inc in Beautiful Sanctuary City (The city owned and Operated by HopesWind), The sun was shining and birds were singing but somebody was not singing this morning, Regina Yamamura who was the Vice-President of the Company and the Chairman’s’ Daughter was running 15 Minuets late and she had to meet her father in his Office this morning. She ran in the main entrance of the building wearing a smart office suit and flat shoes with her long hair tied back in a Pony-Tail with a small Pink Elastic, She passed by some of the Talking Ad’s that shouted ‘Hi Regina!’ as she passed by but she noticed a Ad that caught her attention, ‘Hi Regina….is your back feeling a bit stiff?’ the ad said as Regina watched on with interest ‘Well with the new HopesWind Massager 4x9 you can have all that comfort on the go!’ it said and several screens showed a young man on the Hyper-Rail train shoving a short black box down his back and enjoying a massage while a old woman looked at him oddly. ‘The new Massager 4x9 only from HopesWind’ it said as it flashed up the Company logo, Played the chime and said ‘HopesWind….Together for Tommorow…oh….and your Late Regina!’ The ad said suddenly. Regina rushed off Past the Ad’s and ran through the Scanners almost slipping on a wet floor but she could not be late…not today, As she thought what her dad would say to her she ran into the Lift at the back of the main hall and said in a firm clear voice ‘Chairman’s Office – Level 530 – Clearance level 8’ and the Lift shot up into the building. Regina sat down on the chair that was provided and began to do her make-up, She put on some dark Red lip-stick, a black Mascara and quickly combed her hair before the lift stopped at Level 530, She stepped out, took a deep breath and stepped close to the door, She looked at her Watch and noticed that it was almost 10am, She took a Deep Breath and stepped inside the office which was holographicly Projecting St Andrews Golf Course in Scotland. Regina Looked around and saw the Chairman Slowly trying to get the Ball into the number 5 hole, He took out a putter and quickly tapped the ball into the hole, The computer said ‘Final Score – 10’ and the Golf course suddenly Changed back to a office with a large desk and a nice big window. Regina walked over to the desk and said ‘Good Morning Dad’ in a light happy voice as she placed a small package on the table, ‘The stock report…as you Requested’ Regina said as the Chairman opened the box and took out a small chip and put it into the Computer, A large holographic display came to life in the middle of the room and a voice said ‘HopesWind – Up 2.5 Points’, The display faded and The Chairman proceeded to do work on his computer without saying a word to his daughter. ‘Will…that be all sir?’ she said as she watched her father typed quickly on his computer while quickly glancing at his daughter, the chairman stopped typing and looked at her with a blank look on his face and he said ‘Regina….you’re a great Employee…and you’re the best Daughter in the world…..Why don’t you take the day off today?’ he said to Regina who suddenly smiled and said ‘Awww thank you dad!…that’s nice of you’. ‘Oh…and before you go’ said the Chairman ‘A little something!’ and he quickly typed into his Computer, Suddenly Regina’s Wrist –Com came to life with a Message ‘This is HopesWind Banking…a Total of $1500 Has been added to your Account…you are now entitled to a free Watch’, Regina smiled at her dad and said ‘Dad…this aint my Birthday!’ to which her Dad replied ‘HUSH!….go have fun!’, Regina Smiled and left the room with a smile’ When she got back down to the Foyer he Wrist-Com came to life and said ‘You have been given a Day off Courtesy of President Kaneda Yamamura…You now have permission to leave the building’, Regina switched off her Wrist-Com and ran out the front entrance of the building trying not to scream with joy in the process, As she left the building she looked up at the huge towering building that was all coloured grey and red, as she looked at the building she took a look at the Level 400 sign that was stamped above the door to the foyer and she smiled as she thought what she would buy first!. She walked over to the railing and looked down at Sanctuary City, It was mostly a Garden with a city in the middle but it did provide a nice environment to live and work in, Regina walked into the Hyper-Lifts that took her back to Ground level and off of Cascade Mountain (The mountain that is the Corporation Itself). As Regina walked through the park she knew somehow deep down that her father had Bribed her to get her out the way for a few hours…but why she wondered, Suddenly her Chain of thought was disrupted by a loud banging noise that came from Cascade Mountain, As she looked round she saw smoke rising out from the side of the Mountain and a fire engulfing the west side but before she could do anything she felt short of breath, dizzy and sick and before she knew what was going on she collapsed onto the ground and fell unconscious. Three Days Later As Regina opened her eyes she felt like a Rhino was sitting on her and was in pain al over her body, As she sat up she looked around and realised she was in an old smelly room somewhere….but she wondered where…she suddenly noticed a old bucket on the floor but it did not matter…she looked down at her hand and she saw that her Wrist-Com was gone….she had no way to communicate with anyone, Regina Sat up and began to Think about this Situation. As she sat on the edge of the bed she felt her stomach Churn with discomfort…She felt like her Insides were going to Explode, Regina felt the urge to crawl on the floor over to the bucket, She held her head over the bucket and suddenly she vomited into it. ‘That’s why we gave you that Bucket’ said a voice from the doorway, Regina looked up at the door and saw a boy no older than 15 standing by the door looking at her with a smile, he was not really built but had a pistol shoved in the side of his jeans, he had long hair and was wearing a old set of worn clothes, ‘I can get you another on if ya like?’ the boy continued but before he could say anything more Regina vomited another load into the bucket, She then stood up, Wiped her mouth and said ‘No….that wont be necessary’ as she looked at the boy who helped her. ‘where am I?’ Regina asked the boy, he looked at Regina with a odd look on his face, suddenly his mouth formed a smile and he abruptly laughed at her. The boy stopped laughing and looked at Regina and said ‘You truly have no idea...do you?’ and opened the curtain. Regina looked out the window and saw one of the most horrifying sights of her life, What she saw was a old ruined city covered by a large metal dome…and on the streets…were The Skeletons of dead Families, Regina jumped back in shock slightly, ‘I failed the People’ Regina said as she fell to the ground banging her fist on the floor. ‘Failed?’ the boy asked, ‘Yes….Can you not see that Sanctuary is gone…destroyed….I have failed the city’ Regina said as she forced the words out of her mouth, ‘Ummm you haven’t failed anything!’ the boy protested to Regina ‘The city is okay….though it is under a State of Emergency…Your just in Sub-Dome’. ‘Sub-Tome?’ Regina said to the Boy ‘NO!…Sub-Dome!…it’s the underground for us Hunters!’ the boy continued, ‘Ya see darlin!…this is the poor country and your from the Rich country…don’t you get it?’ Said a young African-American Woman who was wearing better clothes than the Boy, ‘Oh…This is Wess…She gets us all the guns…she also got me this’ said the boy and he lifted up his left hand and on his wrist was a Black Wrist-Com like device with lots of lights and a button on it that had a picture of what looked like a bird in flames. ‘This is my Weapon of choice….Wrist-Blade 5.20!’ said the boy. ‘What Does it do?’ said Regina With interest, ‘Wadda ya mean ‘WHATS IT DO!’ like ya say topside!’ said Wess ‘Cmon hun…show her’ The boy made a fist and almost immediately his knuckles began to glow bright green, suddenly a long thin stream of energy shot out of his fist and he waved his arm around slightly, ‘Behold’ he said as he walked over to the Bed and passed his Wrist Energy through it, Suddenly the Bed started to Creak and it fell into itself. ‘Oh god!’ Regina muttered as she saw the boy’s powerful Wrist-Blade in full power, Regina quickly stood up and asked the boy ‘What is your name?…Im Regina Yamamura…Vice president of HopesWind Incorporated’, ‘Well Reg..’ Said Wess ‘He is Mike Stone…But we just call him Mikey Boy!’, Mike suddenly Lifted a Gun to Reginas’s Face..’I have waited for this day’ Mike said in anger ‘Give me my Parents back!’. Regina began to Tremble ‘What do you mean?’ she asked, ‘Mike!..Mike!’ Said Wess and she suddenly whispered in his ear about something….His face changed and he lowered his gun, ‘Go now’ said Mike and in doing so Regina walked out of the room and headed for the door. ‘I’m So Sorry’ She said ‘But can you give me some Directions?’, ‘Go out of the building and look for a wall with the words J20 on it…Under the sign there will be a door…that’s the way out!’ Mike said, ‘Well’ Said Regina ‘I best be on my way…Thank you and Good Bye’ she continued as she left the flat and proceeded to the J20 lift but as she left Wess said ‘She’s gonna come back ya know….we can test her then!’. After a long walk through the decay of the old city Regina stopped on a bench for some air, As she looked down at her feet she saw a old Newspaper that was named ‘The Chicago Sun Times’, She picked up the paper and read the Headlines that said ‘Yamamura’s Take Over Chicago’ but what was ever more shocking was that there was also a printed list of evacuation instructions and pictures of People being killed by what looked like HopesWind Safety Guardians. Regina threw the paper onto the ground and ran off down the street in Disbelief, As she turned the Corner she saw the J20 Lift unused and ready for operation so She stepped inside, Pushed the buttons and went up in the lift and back to her home. After riding the lift and forcing open a Security door she got back out into the night air and saw her flat….’well…Live and Lean’ regina said but as she looked on at the building she saw something different about it, The building had explosion marks on the side and Banners hanging out of the Window reading ’27 Days left – Do want you want!’ and ‘Yamamura’s are DEAD Serious This Time’, Regina walked into the building and saw many Safety Guardians talking about something, Regina hid from them and over heard one of them saying ‘Put another one here…now go to the top floor and take care of the rest of them, Regina looked at what the Guard had placed on the wall – It was a Talking Ad…with her face on them and they all said ‘Regina Yamamura – Arrest or Eliminate’. Regina fell onto the floor and Cried her eyes out…Why was she wanted?…what happened to the city?…Finally she stood up, Wiped her tears and proceeded Up to her apartment to see if it was still in tact, when she got to her door she noticed the lock was changed…She had had enough of this and with all her Energy she kicked down the door and went inside….and what she saw shocked her beyond belief. There were nearly 20 people inside her Apartment on Hospital Stretchers coughing and moaning, She walked forward a bit and heard a Voice say ‘Hello…are you the Nurse?’. ‘Ummm…no…I’m just checking up on everyone…Hey!….I have been…out of town for a few days…can you tell me what has happened?’ Regina asked the Girl, ‘Well…three days ago there was a Explosion at the HopesWind and…when I woke up yesterday…I was in here….they said somthin about 30 Days Syndrome…but I’m not sure what it is’ said the girl ‘Now I’m waiting for the nurse to come in because they big man in Green said that when she comes in I will go to a happy place’. Regina Gasped and a small tear dripped out of her eye and fell on the floor, The girl blinked a little and blood started to flow out of her eyes, Regina looked down at the girl and she began to cry ‘What the matter?’ she said to Regina but before she could respond Two Guards came into the room. ‘Hey…Your Regina Yamamura….Aint ya!’ said the Guard, ‘Now hold on here’ Said Regina ‘What has Happened?…and what have I done?’, ‘Enough Talk’ Said the Other Guard ‘Die Bitch’ and The guard shot Regina in her Leg. The pain was too much for her…almost a burning yet piercing, Regina Fell Down on the floor and passed out, The last Thing she heard was ‘Hey Kid----‘ Please send comments and Suggestions on how to Improve the Story - But please be Kind!...and not too Simon Cowle!

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I don't know why in a future world, lipstick technology has not advanced. It isn't outright obvious why bad things are happening to her. Does she feint in every chapter?

A high-class girl dragged into the underworld could be an intriguing premise for a short story, but where's the game?

C.

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Pretty Good. I'm assuming this is for an FPS, as it is not extremely complete. My story for my RPG is about twenty chapters with each one as long as what you've written. It is very good, though. One improvement - this is for in game - your grammar is a bit off. Other then that it's great. :D

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Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
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OW MY EYES THEY BURN!!!11

formatting aside, i see here that you have continued on with this story from where you last left off in other posts. Fair enough.

But, bear in mind that the way you are relaying this story to us is not very effective if you are looking for constructive critisism. If you want feedback that will be beneficial at all, give us a summarized, complete outline of your story. We don't need dialogue, literary devices, descriptive introductions into the intricasies of your world.

For example, can you tell us the whole, complete story of the game in ten sentences or less?

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