A piece of story
Author
Here is a bit of my story - tell me what you think.
Sayla entered the cave. It was dark inside, as the feeble light from the entrance seemed to vanish after traveling a few feet.
“This is an evil place!” she whispered to herself.
But she had no idea that someone else would hear it. Few in her position would have noticed the two red eyes behind her, glowing like fire. And fewer still would have noticed them melt away into the darkness. She entered a great room, but could only distinguish its size by the way her footsteps echoed. Suddenly, an ice cold hand gripped around her mouth, and in a few seconds everything went blank.
END OF CHAPTER TWO
Sayla awoke in a dark and dreary jail cell. The blue light overhead cast an eerie glow over the area. A dimly lit figure lay in one corner.
“So, you have be here. That good.”
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Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
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It seems interesting, I really like it, but It will be better if you put more. I cannot judge the story and give you any feedback with a very short part of your story. Put a little more!
Your tone is a little corny. For example, the constuction "Few in her position would have noticed ... and fewer still ... " makes it seem like you're trying too hard to sound elevated.
"She entered a great room ... " Room? Maybe "cavern"?
Consider using more of the readers' senses than just vision. Where is the plink-plink of water dripping in the cave? The rough feel of the stone wall on her hand? The musty smell of stale air?
What exactly happens when the hand grips her mouth? Choking someone into unconsciousness takes far longer than "a few seconds" and you would expect the chokee to struggle violently during the process.
Maybe something like: "Suddenly a pair of ice-cold arms grabbed her and wrapped themselves around her, pinning her arms to her sides. Sayla cried out in terror, her voice echoing in the darkness. She staggered forward and fell, the heavy bulk of her attacker's body crushing her against the damp floor of the cave. She felt his breath on her cheek, cold like graveyard mist and smelling of death. And then she fainted.
"She entered a great room ... " Room? Maybe "cavern"?
Consider using more of the readers' senses than just vision. Where is the plink-plink of water dripping in the cave? The rough feel of the stone wall on her hand? The musty smell of stale air?
What exactly happens when the hand grips her mouth? Choking someone into unconsciousness takes far longer than "a few seconds" and you would expect the chokee to struggle violently during the process.
Maybe something like: "Suddenly a pair of ice-cold arms grabbed her and wrapped themselves around her, pinning her arms to her sides. Sayla cried out in terror, her voice echoing in the darkness. She staggered forward and fell, the heavy bulk of her attacker's body crushing her against the damp floor of the cave. She felt his breath on her cheek, cold like graveyard mist and smelling of death. And then she fainted.
I agree with Brian that your tone sounds a little out of place. The "Few... And fewer still..." part emphasizes her innocence or even her naivete, I'd say it does so a little too much. I also agree with involving other senses.
Something like this might work a bit better:
---------------------------------
Sayla entered the cave. It was dark inside, the feeble light from the entrance vanishing after a few feet. Proceeding in the dark, she felt a sense of foreboding about the place that only worsened her misgivings.
"This is an evil place." she whispered to herself, or so she thought.
Behind her glowed a pair of red eyes, the fury in them raging like the fires of hell. Sayla heard the faint sound of footsteps behind her. She whipped around in a desperate attempt to find her follower, but as quickly as his eyes had appeared, they receded into the darkness.
Terrified but not wanting to turn back, she tried to assure herself that the sounds were figments of her imagination. She continued on, passing under an archway she could feel along the walls of the cave. The way her footsteps echoed, she believed she had entered a large cavern.
Navigating her way further into the cavern, she felt a slight movement in the air of the cave. The musty smell of stagnant earth stirred up by this breeze mingled with the odour of her sweat as she attempted to get around a large rock in front of her.
Guiding it around the ragged edge of the rock, her hand suddenly hits something cold. She recoils immediately as though she had touched the hand of death itself. She could now see the large, burning eyes of the follower she could only hear before.
Her heart racing, Sayla turned around and tried to run back but before she can get more than a few steps away, she feels the icy cold hand grip her arm. She struggles to free herself of it but he tightens his grip. Her screams echoed hauntingly around the cavern. Seconds later, she sees a flash and feels something hitting the back of her head. The hand releases its grip as she drops to the ground, losing consciousness.
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Yeah, it's a hell of a lot longer than your version, but I think some of that detail is necessary to give a sense of what's happening when there are few visual cues. I'm also not calling my version perfect. There's a lot that could be better but I just wrote it off the top of my head.
BTW, don't mind me asking, but what medium is this intended for? Novel? Short story? Game narrative? It makes a difference as to how much narrative detail is appropriate.
-Auron
Something like this might work a bit better:
---------------------------------
Sayla entered the cave. It was dark inside, the feeble light from the entrance vanishing after a few feet. Proceeding in the dark, she felt a sense of foreboding about the place that only worsened her misgivings.
"This is an evil place." she whispered to herself, or so she thought.
Behind her glowed a pair of red eyes, the fury in them raging like the fires of hell. Sayla heard the faint sound of footsteps behind her. She whipped around in a desperate attempt to find her follower, but as quickly as his eyes had appeared, they receded into the darkness.
Terrified but not wanting to turn back, she tried to assure herself that the sounds were figments of her imagination. She continued on, passing under an archway she could feel along the walls of the cave. The way her footsteps echoed, she believed she had entered a large cavern.
Navigating her way further into the cavern, she felt a slight movement in the air of the cave. The musty smell of stagnant earth stirred up by this breeze mingled with the odour of her sweat as she attempted to get around a large rock in front of her.
Guiding it around the ragged edge of the rock, her hand suddenly hits something cold. She recoils immediately as though she had touched the hand of death itself. She could now see the large, burning eyes of the follower she could only hear before.
Her heart racing, Sayla turned around and tried to run back but before she can get more than a few steps away, she feels the icy cold hand grip her arm. She struggles to free herself of it but he tightens his grip. Her screams echoed hauntingly around the cavern. Seconds later, she sees a flash and feels something hitting the back of her head. The hand releases its grip as she drops to the ground, losing consciousness.
---------------------------------
Yeah, it's a hell of a lot longer than your version, but I think some of that detail is necessary to give a sense of what's happening when there are few visual cues. I'm also not calling my version perfect. There's a lot that could be better but I just wrote it off the top of my head.
BTW, don't mind me asking, but what medium is this intended for? Novel? Short story? Game narrative? It makes a difference as to how much narrative detail is appropriate.
-Auron
<br><br>[Sayla stepped casually into the dark cavern. The scant lighting, which was only provided by the daylight passing through the entrance, seemed to vanish as she blocked its path.<br>“I feel the cold of evil here that burns like ice and draws me deeper within itself.” she whispered fearfully to herself.<br><br>Her fear could not have imagined that those whispers would be drawn to a pair of fiery eyes belonging to an unknown beast abiding only within darkness. Even the most skilled at human sensory perceptions would have never notice those eyes disappearing into the abyss that generated them.<br>After twenty or so paces into the cavern the close walls around her made her aware that she had passed into another chamber. Her footsteps echoed loudly enough to give away the dimensions that she could not see.] Suddenly, an ice cold hand gripped around her mouth, and in a few seconds everything went blank.<br><br>END OF CHAPTER TWO<br><br>Sayla awoke in a dark and dreary jail cell. The blue light overhead cast an eerie glow over the area. A dimly lit figure lay in one corner.<br>“So, you have be here. That good.” (-> confusing…)<br><br><br>[If you add a little more descriptive language I think the story might turn out better.]
I forgot to add about the fainting part but you could say something like her being gagged with a cloth that seemed to be doused in a liquid and then she could pass out from a chemical sleep agent. Or that the ice hand magically put her to sleep or knocked her out. Or even the shocking of a cold hand.
Author
Thanks for all the comments, guys. Auron's is good and might be good for an in game movie, but explains it more in a timeline sense than a story. All of these Ideas are good, although it would take me a millenium to rewrite all 278 pages to be as good as these. Also, she is magically knocked out I guess. Thanks again! :)
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Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author
Also, I'm on vacation and don't have a whole lot of the story with me, so I'll probably post more on Sunday.
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Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:Original post by Cangor
Thanks for all the comments, guys. Auron's is good and might be good for an in game movie, but explains it more in a timeline sense than a story. All of these Ideas are good, although it would take me a millenium to rewrite all 278 pages to be as good as these. Also, she is magically knocked out I guess. Thanks again! :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cangor
Blue Blaze Games, LLC.
BlueBlazeGames@hotmail.com
No website as of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks [grin]. There wasn't much to go on and I didn't want to assume anything about Sayla's personality or abilities. Though I couldn't avoid using her being scared down there since I had no indication that she was a fearless amazon or something (though there was no initial indication that she was scared either...). Similarly, there wasn't much emphasis on her thought processes since that's personal to her character and not knowing anything about her, I would very likely write her thoughts as out of her character.
Running it through in my head, it would make a cool in-game movie, if there were light in there. Once she walked in, she couldn't see anything except those eyes later on, so the movie would be a lot of black.
So yeah, would this be a novelization of a game? Or rather a novel/script to be made into a game?
5MinuteGaming: I was thinking of having her knocked out by chloroform too but didn't want to since, like I said, I had no idea of when and where this is taking place and wanted to avoid anything in the setting that would be completely out of place.
-Auron
Author
This takes place in a fantasy world with about as much technology as the middle ages, except there's magic, so they
have all kinds of cool devices like teleportals and the such.
Here is another fragment of the story:
Sayla awoke in a dark, dreary jail cell. The blue lamp overhead cast an eerie glow all over the dark floor. She felt like she was in a freezer as light shadows are very sensitive to the cold. She then noticed a figure next to her.
“So, you be up. Good.” it said.
“Wind? It’s you! Oh my, it’s nice to see a friendly face… …Hey! How did you get in here, anyways?”
Wind was a phlack. They are 2-3 foot in diameter spheres with huge mouths and teeth. They have leathery purple hides and love to eat. Their intelligence is less than that of the average stump.” (Only joking about the intelligence part, but they are pretty dense.)
“Ah… Me tell you all… Me was running phlackrace in Thestar, imperial shadow city… I were just about to round last bend and win when huge wave come crashing over stadium wall. Few escaped. Cangors had vandalized imperial museum. Most treasures savered. Few lost. Me survivor. Wind lucky. Wind good phlack.”
“How about the rest, phlack?”
“Oh. Me survived, but Thestar ruined. I flee to countryside where I see evil cangor encampment. Wind strong phlack. He break fences. Wind good phlack. He attack cangors. Wind strong and good phlack. He massacre cangors. Wind find good food supply of phlack food. Wind eat. Wind feel woozy after wind eat. He sleep. He wake up on beach. But what be worse? He loses part of him favorite war bit. He loses him “Mad Axe.” It go on me favorite, but no can do anymore.”
“Wind! I had your axe! They took everything I had when they – whoever “they” is – captured me – which isn’t much. A few rations of food…”
“FOOD!” cried Wind, “WHERE?”
(Sayla explained that she had lost it.)
“What misfortune to lose food. Me try to build hut out of sticks, but it is hard when you have only tooths to grip with. Me made shelter … if it deserves that much honor … me slept in one night, and woke up in here. By the way, where bees here?”
“Inside the mountain.”
“We make stuff back from “them?”
“Silly phlack. I’ll need to move these bars … that’ll be hard. It’ll be difficult to escape.”
__________________________
NOTE: It's a Jail cell, so there are obviously bars.
__________________________
Then Sayla had an idea. As you already know, ideas are dangerous things. Sayla but on a mischievous smile and said, “Wind! Food!” pointing at the bars.
“F.. ff…. FOOD! WONDERFUL FOOD! WHERE? YIPEEEEE!!!”
Wind tore the jail bars to shreds, and probably never knew what he was eating.
“Good work, Master Phlack.”
And that's all for this time, I'll probably post more in a couple of days.
have all kinds of cool devices like teleportals and the such.
Here is another fragment of the story:
Sayla awoke in a dark, dreary jail cell. The blue lamp overhead cast an eerie glow all over the dark floor. She felt like she was in a freezer as light shadows are very sensitive to the cold. She then noticed a figure next to her.
“So, you be up. Good.” it said.
“Wind? It’s you! Oh my, it’s nice to see a friendly face… …Hey! How did you get in here, anyways?”
Wind was a phlack. They are 2-3 foot in diameter spheres with huge mouths and teeth. They have leathery purple hides and love to eat. Their intelligence is less than that of the average stump.” (Only joking about the intelligence part, but they are pretty dense.)
“Ah… Me tell you all… Me was running phlackrace in Thestar, imperial shadow city… I were just about to round last bend and win when huge wave come crashing over stadium wall. Few escaped. Cangors had vandalized imperial museum. Most treasures savered. Few lost. Me survivor. Wind lucky. Wind good phlack.”
“How about the rest, phlack?”
“Oh. Me survived, but Thestar ruined. I flee to countryside where I see evil cangor encampment. Wind strong phlack. He break fences. Wind good phlack. He attack cangors. Wind strong and good phlack. He massacre cangors. Wind find good food supply of phlack food. Wind eat. Wind feel woozy after wind eat. He sleep. He wake up on beach. But what be worse? He loses part of him favorite war bit. He loses him “Mad Axe.” It go on me favorite, but no can do anymore.”
“Wind! I had your axe! They took everything I had when they – whoever “they” is – captured me – which isn’t much. A few rations of food…”
“FOOD!” cried Wind, “WHERE?”
(Sayla explained that she had lost it.)
“What misfortune to lose food. Me try to build hut out of sticks, but it is hard when you have only tooths to grip with. Me made shelter … if it deserves that much honor … me slept in one night, and woke up in here. By the way, where bees here?”
“Inside the mountain.”
“We make stuff back from “them?”
“Silly phlack. I’ll need to move these bars … that’ll be hard. It’ll be difficult to escape.”
__________________________
NOTE: It's a Jail cell, so there are obviously bars.
__________________________
Then Sayla had an idea. As you already know, ideas are dangerous things. Sayla but on a mischievous smile and said, “Wind! Food!” pointing at the bars.
“F.. ff…. FOOD! WONDERFUL FOOD! WHERE? YIPEEEEE!!!”
Wind tore the jail bars to shreds, and probably never knew what he was eating.
“Good work, Master Phlack.”
And that's all for this time, I'll probably post more in a couple of days.
This topic is closed to new replies.
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