Here we go, here's some of chapter 1 my story, I warn you there is no fighting yet. It's basically a way to introduce the main characters Kris, Tonya, Daraun, Anna, and Brandi. Enjoy. Genesis Saga(Saga 1) Chapter 1 You know, I’d be lying if I told you that my life was perfect because it wasn’t, this is what my last three years were like before my life changed forever. I moved to Menifee, California on September 2nd, 2000 after a weird freshman year. I immediately began my sophomore year and my first semester was great, no fights, crushes, or problems; then the second semester hit, a lot of people began to take advantage of me not knowing many people. Until I met Daraun Givens, he seemed like a total outcast but we got to know each other and we became inseparable best friends. The one thing that I admire about me and Daraun’s friendship is that we stand by each other no matter what, which makes whatever we do no matter what the action seem right. We finished off our sophomore year and in the middle of the summer I got a call from him, he told me that his mom(who is in the Army) was getting transferred to Alabama for a year and assured me that he would be back. My junior year was mostly holding out until Daraun returned for our senior year. I met Brandi Blas that year and developed a big crush on her, of course I didn’t get with her I lost out to Nick Martello a 5'3" senior with a fascination for dying his hair. That disappointed me greatly but that was nothing compared to what was to come. After Brandi I practically fell in love with Tonya Muse, it was strange and all my friends said that she wasn’t my type yet I felt like she was goddess put on earth just for me. My junior year ended with me clinging on to my reputation(mainly because most of that year I was feuding with Nick) and my crush on Tonya. I spent my summer planning me and Daraun’s triumphant reunion and on how I was going to get with Tonya. I walked into the gate of Paloma Valley High alone with no Daraun , but two weeks later out of nowhere Daraun showed up and after more than a year me and my best friend were reunited. By the way my name is Kris Wilson, I’m 17 years old with two sisters and a brother , my stepdad is in Iraq right now and my mom is holding fort here. It’s mid February now and Valentines’s Day is tomorrow. I’m currently writing a letter to Tonya to finally tell her how I feel, I understand that this may make her love me or hate me; Daraun’s been telling me that kiddie stuff won’t work but I feel like I have to do this. I thought that this letter would change my life, but little did I know that in less than a month my life would change forever, off of something else... “Man I’m pooped that letter was more work than I thought” Kris said while folding the letter. “It’ll work I know it” Kris said reassuring himself. He turned out his lamp and lied down and fell asleep. “Kris, Kris you are the one” said a young woman. “Who are you, and why are you in my dream?” asked Kris. “Number one my name is Iria the one who will change your life, and Number two this is not a dream and what is ahead of you isn’t either” boomed Iria. “Well, explain” ordered Kris. “What if I told you that you have the power to travel to a place called the Andiron Universe, a place where things including your life are the nearly the total opposite” Iria responded. “ What if I told you that I don’t need this power you’re talking about!” Kris yelled. “Whatever when you are ready just go into Astral Projection as you are now and yell Andiron, and I’ll explain everything then ,sayonara” said Iria. Iria disappeared in a blinding light and Kris woke up to the sun shining through his window. “Was that a dream?, that couldn’t have been real” Kris said to himself. Kris took a shower and got dressed. “Anyway I don’t have time to think about some fantasy, I need someone to deliver this letter” Kris thought as he walked downstairs. He paced over and over again until he read a note his mom had written she said that she had to work over time and she wanted him to mow the lawn. Kris remembered that his sisters Candice and Christina and his 4 year old brother Anthony was at his aunts and wouldn’t be back until August. Kris picked up the phone and called Daraun. “Hey man good morning” Kris greeted. “Hey, what are you so happy about?” asked Daraun “ I wrote the letter and I’m ready to give it to her, the problem is the letter is anonymous” answered Kris “Oh I get it, you expect me to deliver it?” asked Daraun. “Yes if that won’t be too much for you” Kris answered immediately. “ I told you, that kiddie stuff won’t work, but I guess since it seems important to you I’ll do it” said Daraun. “Thanks man you’re the best, I’ll be there in five, cool” said Kris “Cool” answered Daraun. Kris hung up and ran out to his car, it was a blue 94 Honda Accord with a stock spoiler on it, Kris had raced a few times for fun but kinda faded out. Kris pulled out of his driveway and drove until he hit the intersection. Kris imagined what Tonya’s response would be like. “She might just go out with me” Kris thought. Kris pulled into Daraun’s driveway, he was sitting in his garage waiting. “What’s up” Daraun asked “Nothing much” Kris answered while shaking his hand. Daraun got in the car and looked at the letter. “This is a little mushy for someone like you” said Daraun “It is isn’t it?” asked Kris “Yeah but it’s something a hot girl like Tonya would want to hear Daraun answered. “I’m kinda skeptical on what I think is going to happen but...” Kris started. “I already know what’s gonna happen, but I’m with you all the way” interrupted Daraun. They pulled into “Jack in the Box” drive-thru where they ordered their breakfast as usual. “I’ve seen no sign of any crush from you D, what’s going on?” asked Kris. “Unlike you I’m concentrated on my work, you have a bright future Kris, and you’re blowing it by side-tracking yourself with these girls who would care less if you’re even there, Tonya’s just a “Yariman” anyway” answered Daraun. “Well soon Tonya will be going to bed with me” Kris replied. They headed down Bradley Road, the street Paloma is on and turned into the student parking lot. “Great another day at Paloma Valley High School” said Daraun in a sarcastic tone. “I hear some underground group has been forming, you hear anything about that?” asked Kris as they walked through the front gate. “Not much, but I’m sure Ray and Fabian have” Daraun answered. The two continued to the counseling office where most of the “WolfPak” met in the morning. “Hey Manny have Ray and Fabian gotten here yet?” Kris asked. “Yeah they went to go get their breakfast, they’ve been waiting for you two, they said something about an underground group.” Manny answered. “Good” said Daraun. Ray and Fabian came through the door with their breakfasts in their hands. “Great you two are here now” said Ray. “Alright spill the info guys” ordered Kris. “Okay I know some of you have been hearing of an underground group” started Fabian. “We’ve found their existence to be true, their insignia is blue rags around the head and one blue rag in their pocket” continued Ray. “It is rumored that the group may be white supremist” said Fabian. “Despite all the info we have not gathered any names or leaders yet, but we’ll keep you guys posted” said Ray. “Sounds like these guys could end up being a threat” said Daraun. “Hmm I wonder if they’ve heard of us yet?” asked Manny. “That doesn’t matter with BBC gone we’re the strongest now said Kris. “That may be true but if they’re growing we need to be ready to protect our territory” said Daraun cautiously. “We’ll just have to step up our patrols at lunch and snack” replied Manny. “Perfect, Me and D will talk to Jeff first period” said Kris. “See you Manny, we’re going to see Black(Josh Black) now he should know about this too” said Daraun. The two walked out of the counseling office and turned the corner. They continued toward the S building where Black hung out. Suddenly Kris saw Tonya. “Hi Tonya” Kris greeted. She walked past Kris and Daraun, then stopped about three feet away and turned around toward Kris as if she had just heard him. “Oh, Hi Kris” Tonya said in slight disgust. She started talking to Angela again and walked away. “See what I mean?” asked Daraun “Hey X, Daraun how’s it going” greeted Black. “Good” said Kris. “We’ve got business, can you take a walk?” asked Daraun. “Yes, of course” answered Black. “This pretty important info”, “An underground group is forming up we’ve began to increase our patrols but...” started Kris as they began walking. “You’re the only hidden member in the “WolfPak”, which means that you could be our last resort if something goes wrong” Daraun interrupted. “Keep a good eye on the area for us”, “and report anything you see involving guys wearing blue rags around their head and a blue rag in their back pocket” said Kris. “Sure X, I’ll do that see you later” said Josh. The bell rung and Kris and Daraun went off to their 1st Period. It was Ms. Brown’s English class one of Kris’s least favorite classes. The only reason why he stayed awake that period was because he had to talk to Jeff. After 1st Period (as usual) Kris slept through his classes until snack. Kris and Daraun met up in front of room S103 as usual. “So you ready for me to give this to her?” asked Daraun while waving the letter around. “Sure, here she comes now” answered Kris. Kris suddenly slipped into S103 as Daraun started walking towards Tonya and her friends. “I’ve got a special delivery for you” said Daraun as he pointed the letter toward Tonya. “Who is it from?” asked Tonya cautiously. “Some guy” answered Daraun. “You’re Kris’s friend Daraun aren’t you?” Tonya asked. “Yes I am, but this letter is not from him” Daraun answered. “You’re lying this letter is from Kris that’s why you are delivering it” said Tonya. “Just take it, the letter is anonymous so I truly don’t know who it’s from” Daraun said seriously. “Okay I’ll take it” Tonya said as she began to open it. She read a little and didn’t say anything, she went into Mr. Fisher’s room(as usual in the morning) with her friends behind her. Daraun walked into S103 to Kris sitting in his seat. “I gave her the letter” said Daraun while sitting down. “Good” said Kris. “What does that mean?” asked Daraun “Oh, that she’ll be joining us at lunch today” answered Kris “Great” Daraun said sarcastically . The bell rang and Kris’s 3rd Period Criminology class began, it was his second most favorite class because Anna was in it. Anna was a sophomore and as much of an Anime “otaku” as Kris was. She is about Kris’s height which is 5'9", her nationality is half-Filipino and half- Japanese. She had long beautiful black hair that goes does down to her lower back that she usually keeps in a braid. “Hey Kris” greeted Anna. “Hi Anna, you got anything new today?” Kris asked. “Of course you know I’m always working” answered Anna. “Now that’s the girl you should be writing love letters to, you guys have a lot in common and she keeps you concentrated, opposed to Tonya who always disses you and makes you mess up a lot” said Daraun in a lecturing tone. “ I know what you mean this class and fourth period are the only classes I have A’s in” Kris agreed. Ms. Santistevan went on with her lectures as every day, Kris listened which was the main reason why he had an A in the class. He mainly didn’t want Anna to notice how lazy he really was. Ms. Santistevan ended her lecture with about five minutes left in class. Kris and Daraun walked towards Anna’s desk to her working. “What’s this?” asked Kris “Oh this is new, Guardian Angel is its name, you can read that fourth period” answered Anna. “Have you gotten any farther on Gaia Strike?” asked Kris “Chapter 9 and counting, I’ve gotta remember to get that copied for you, since you like it so much” answered Anna. “Good, I’ll see you next period” said Kris. The bell rung and Kris and Daraun began walking towards Mr. Newman’s room (the two hung out in front of that class knowing that Tonya and Angela had English class there fourth period) “ Hey D, don’t forget the team tournament for Gundam is tonight so be ready, I’m not U.S. Champ for nothing, I have a big reputation so we can’t lose no matter what” Kris said boldly. “ I’ve mastered that Gelgogg Commander anyway, and Manny and Hieu are on the team we should be fine” Daraun said while chewing on a Starburst. Suddenly Tonya and Angela walked up to them. “Hey, Daraun” greeted Angela while hugging Daraun. Kris and Tonya stood there staring at each other. Kris turned away. “Hey D I’ll see you at lunch” said Kris in a solemn tone. “Sure Kris” said Daraun. “I wonder why they like D, but they hate me so much” Kris thought. He walked into his fourth period class thinking hard. It was Ceramics class Kris’s favorite class. Kris and Anna were project partners, all the work Kris has and ever will do that period will be done with Anna. They work while talking about anime, manga , video games, and Anna’s manga. “Kris what’s with you?, you haven’t said a word yet” replied Anna. “You’re right this is a little beside me” Kris responded. “What’s wrong, you wanna talk about it?” asked Anna. “Yes, I’ve had a big crush for a long time, on a girl named Tonya Muse, unfortunately she hates me and at lunch she will find out” Kris said as he move over closer to Anna. “Wow” said Anna. “Hey Anna maybe you should come and hangout with me and my friends at lunch from now on” suggested Kris. “Me!” she answered “Yes you, you’d be good company and we never argue so it would be perfect” said Kris. “I guess you’re right, so I’ll do it” said Anna. “Perfect” Kris said excitedly. It got towards the end of 4th period, Kris and Anna began to clean up. “I don’t know much about this Tonya but, if you need me I’ll be there the whole way.” said Anna. “Thanks” said Kris. The bell rung and the two walked to D108 the “WolfPak’s” hangout at lunch. Manny always brought his “GameCube” and everyone played “Super Smash Bros. Melee”. Kris and Anna found seats and got situated. “Hey X, you’re gonna play today?” asked Hieu. “No, not today I’ve got some business” answered Kris. “Well you’re still 9th in K.O.’s but that might change” informed Hieu. “Thanks Hieu” said Kris “Hey Anna are you hungry?”asked Kris “Sort of” answered Anna. “I’ll go buy something to eat, I’ll be back” said Kris. “All right bring a pizza and a Sprite for me” said Anna. On his way to the lunch lines Kris saw Daraun, Tonya, and Angela walking towards D108. ~ In D108~ “Where is this person who wrote the letter Daraun?” asked Tonya. “I don’t see him” answered Daraun. “We should sit down until this guy gets here” suggested Angela. Kris walked in with his and Anna’s lunch in his hands. “I like it here, everyone here is pretty peaceful” said Anna. “Why do you think I hangout here?” asked Kris while opening his Sprite. “X, what’s going on, Oh I see” said Daraun as he noticed Anna was there. “No, you don’t see, Anna’s going to be hanging out here from now on” Kris replied. “Daraun may not see but I can, huh X” said a voice. “Who said that?” asked Kris. “Tonya!” yelled Daraun. “I knew it was you the whole time” said Tonya. “It was Kris!” said a surprised Angela. “Yes, I wrote it and it wasn’t very fun either” answered Kris. “Listen I have a boyfriend , and even if I didn’t have one I wouldn’t go out with you” said Tonya in a mocking tone. She grabbed Kris’s soda and threw it in his face. “And I want nothing to do with you” she yelled as she threw the bottle to the ground. Anna stood up and pushed Tonya down. “You crazy bitch, why did you do that?” yelled Anna. “Hey you’d better calm down” said Angela as she stepped in front of Anna as she was about to protect Tonya. Suddenly a girl walked in. “So I leave for a while and you’re already in trouble and not to mention with girls, They said I’d find you here X” she said. Tonya stood up. “Who are you?” asked Tonya. “You’re worst nightmare if you’re looking for a fight!” the girl answered. “Alright Brandi that’s enough” said Kris. “Brandi, who’s Brandi?” asked Daraun. “Okay Kris this is officially getting weird” said Anna. “I suggest that you two hit the road if you don’t want any trouble” Kris warned. “I think not” said Angela. “Yeah if your little friend here wants a fight we’ll give one to her” said Tonya. “You sure about that?” asked Anna as she stood by Brandi. “Whatever, we’ll take care of you two some other time, that letter by the way was pretty cute Kris” said Tonya while turning around. “Wait, before you leave I’m just going to tell you, what you did here today was very disrespectful, and I won’t forget it, mark my words I will get you back for this” Kris said boldly. ~Tonya and Angela walked out~ “Are you okay?” asked Daraun. “Yeah man” Kris answered Kris. Kris sat down and shook his head. “Who is she?” asked Daraun while pointing at Brandi. “I’d like to know too” said Anna. “No Problem since I’m the hot topic, my name is Brandi Blas a good friend of Kris’s and a former crush, I met Kris last year while Daraun here was gone, I went to the Philippines to visit a sick family member, missed most of school but here I am” explained Brandi calmly. “That explains it” said Daraun. “That bitch deserved to get her ass kicked” said Anna. “Don’t worry about it, I’m sure we’ll get our shot at those two real soon” said Brandi. ~Outside at Tonya and her friends hangout~ “They are going to pay for that!!” said a frustrated Tonya. “Don’t worry Tonya we still have the letter” Angela reminded. “You’re right, we can use this letter to embarrass Kris like he has never been embarrassed before” declared Tonya. “Not only that, but we can hit him where it hurts most” added Angela. “In his heart” Tonya and Angela said in agreement. “Jennifer, do you have any idea where Kris would go after school today?” asked Tonya. “Word on the street is that Kris is a Gundam Tournament Champion and that there is going to be a team tournament tonight at the Promenade, he is scheduled to be there” answered Jennifer. “Good, then we’ll strike there first” said Tonya. ~After school, Kris was at home, he had just finished mowing the lawn and reflected on the days events~ ~Suddenly his phone rang~ “Hey Anna” Kris said. “When are you going to pick me and Brandi up” asked Anna. “At about six, you and Brandi are getting along well” answered Kris. “Yeah, we just agree on a few things that’s all” said Anna. “Well after I change I’ll be on my way to Daraun’s so I’ll see you in about a half an hour” said Kris “See you then” replied Anna. “Okay, Bye” said Kris. Kris hung up and ran upstairs and quickly changed. “I just might get a challenge tonight” said Kris. ~He soon arrived at Daraun’s house, he was waiting promptly in his garage as usual~ “Hey man, you ready to kick some ass tonight?” asked Daraun. “Of course you know how I am when it comes to this Tournament” answered Kris. “Hmm you’re right I guess”, “So Anna and Brandi are coming tonight?” said Daraun. “Yeah, I thought it would be a good chance for them to get to know each other and the rest of the “Pak” responded Kris while pulling out of Daraun’s driveway. “You seem to be in a good mood for someone who got a soda thrown in his face earlier” Daraun replied. “You’re right but I know that being with the “Pak”, Brandi, and Anna tonight will make me feel better” said Kris. ~Kris soon drove onto the freeway heading towards Anna’s house~ “So this Brandi, does she have a boyfriend?” asked a curious Daraun. “She used to, she’s a real flirt so if you want her you’d better make a move fast” answered Kris. “Why haven’t you made a move?” asked Daraun. “Because I used to like her, We’re good friends now and only that” answered Kris. ~Kris drove into the freeway exit~ “What about Anna?” asked Daraun. “What about her?” asked Kris. “You know what I mean, there’s something about the way you talk to her.” boomed Daraun. “We’re here, I guess we’ll have to talk about this another time huh?” Kris said while trying to change the subject. ~Anna and Brandi came out~ “Hey Kris” greeted Kris. “How did you know we were here?” asked Kris “That Accord really stands out, don’t see a lot of white ones these days” answered Anna. ~Kris and Daraun got out of the car~ “You look great Anna” Kris complemented. “Thank you” said Anna. “What about me?” yelled Brandi. “Well you look great too Brandi, right D?” said Kris. “Yeah, he’s right” responded Daraun. “By the way we knew you were here because of that loud ass muffler, you don’t race anymore you should get a new one” said Brandi sarcastically. ~They all got into the car~ “Why do I have to sit with her” asked Daraun while pointing at Brandi. “Don’t worry it’ll only be a few minutes” said Anna. “Yeah D stop whining” added Kris. “Easy for you to say” said Daraun. “Who else is on your team Kris” asked Brandi. “Manny and Hieu, but I hear some new guys are competing” answered Kris. “That’s usually not good news Kris, you know how the tournament rules work most of the new challengers are really good” replied Anna. ~ They arrived at the mall~ “Let’s go grab a bite to eat” suggested Kris. “That’s a good idea” agreed Daraun. “Doesn’t the tournament start soon?” asked Anna. “It’s already started”, “Thanks to yours truly we have a first round bye” answered Kris. “Why?” asked Brandi. “Because Kris was last years 1 on 1 champion” answered Daraun. ~The four walked toward the food court and began to decide what to eat~ “You know, I feel like some pizza right now” said Daraun. “Hey me too” said Brandi. “I think I’ll go Chinese, shall we Anna?” Kris said while putting his arm around Anna’s shoulder. “Of course” answered Anna ~Kris and Anna went to “Panda Express” to order they’re food~ ~The four ordered they’re food and met at a table~ “Ray and Fabian got a little info on those new guys” said Daraun before taking a sip of his soda. “Well spit it” responded Kris. “Their leader Daniel Ramsey pilots the Gundam Physalis, I hear he’s a good pilot almost on par with you” continued Daraun. “I guess we’ll find out, huh?” asked Kris vaguely. “I guess we will” answered Daraun. ~ The group arrived at the tournament which was in the quad of the mall~ “Alright it’s time for the final match of the first round featuring “Team Caution” and “Team Physalis”, “Team Physalis led by Daniel Ramsey is one of the heavy favorites to win the tournament along with “Team X” who is led by last years U.S. Gundam Champion Kris Wilson” said the announcer . “Great we get to see them in action” said Kris. ~Manny walked up~ “Is that the team I’ve been hearing about?” asked Manny. “Yep, their match is about to start” answered Daraun. “Let the match begin” said the announcer. “Let me take them” said Daniel. “It seems Ramsey wants to take on all of “Team Caution” by himself” the announcer updated. “Nuclear Warhead Missile” yelled Daniel. “Daniel’s Gundam Physalis has used it’s ultimate attack wiping out “Team Caution’s” mobile suits giving “Team Physalis” it’s first victory!” the announcer updated in shock. “Wow” said Daraun. “More than wow” said Manny. “Did you see that X” asked Hieu. “Hmm” answered Kris. ~Suddenly Kris saw Tonya and Angela, Daniel walked up to Tonya and kissed her~ “He’s the one, and I thought I wasn’t her type” thought Kris. “Kris, did you see Tonya kiss that guy?” asked Daraun. “Yes and it just gave me some added motivation for winning this tournament” answered Kris. “And now the 8 teams left are “Team Elite”, “Team Kokoro”, “Team Sin”, “Team 78", “Team Hazard”, “Team GM”, “Team Physalis”, and the heavy favorite “Team X” said the announcer. ~The crowd roared~ “The first second round match will feature “Team X” and “Team 78" the announcer said as she motioned for Kris and his team to get ready. “Good we’re up” said Kris. “Remember how we planned this, we practiced with 2 on 2 matches so we need to keep the battle terms that way” reminded Daraun. “Okay team captains set your battle terms” ordered the announcer. “My name is John but my teammates call me Amuro, after this match you’ll see why” said John. “You should know who I am, If you don’t then it’s your funeral, listen I don’t want to take all night so let’s set our battle at a 2 on 2, pick anyone that you want” said Kris. “Hmm, I guess since we are going to win anyway” said John. “Big talk, just go get your teammate and we will see” said Kris. “The battle terms are set for a 2 on 2 battle, that means when both members of a team are defeated the other is crowned the winner and will advance” updated the announcer. “D, lets go we can use this as a warmup these guys are nothing” said Kris while inserting his memory card. “I wonder, why do they call him Amuro?”, “We shouldn’t take him lightly” warned Daraun. “You’re right but, I’ll do anything to get to Daniel and besides these chump are no where near my level” said Kris arrogantly. “The Mobile Suits have been confirmed, X’s signature Gelgogg Jaeger and his teammate Daraun Givens is using a Gelgogg Commander, they will be facing John a.k.a. Amuro’s RX-78-2 Gundam and Mikal a.k.a. Shiro’s RX-78(G) Ground Gundam, Let the Battle Begin” said the announcer. ~John’s Gundam stepped forward and drew his Beam Rifle and fired 3 times at Kris’s Gelgogg~ “Knuckle Shield” yelled Kris. “What he blocked with his arm” yelled Mikal. “Lets finish this, If Daniel can finish off matches quickly so can we” said Daraun. “Are you sure you wanna use this now, I wanted to have a little fun with them” said Kris. “Hey you two wanna get it on already” said John. ~Kris and Daraun’s Gelgogg’s flew into the air~ “You wannabe pilots are finished” said Kris “Double Energy Cap Blast” yelled Kris and Daraun. “Both Team 78 mobile suits have been defeated Team X wins” said the announcer. ~The crowd cheered~ “I’ll get you X in the individual tournament me and you will meet again” yelled John. “Sure I’ll be there” said Kris. “Well it looks like we’ll be taking an early break” said Manny. ~Anna, Brandi and the rest of the group came out of the crowd~ “That was great Kris you guys are good” complemented Anna. “Thanks” said Kris with a smirk on his face. “Show-off” Brandi said while giving Kris a thumb up. ~The sound of clapping came from the opposite direction and everyone turned around~ “Bravo, Bravo now that’s what I expect from a Gundam Champion, I’m Daniel Ramsey” said Daniel as he put his hand out for Kris to shake. ~Kris laughed~ “Have you come to praise me or congratulate me on my victory?” Kris asked sarcastically. “Neither, I’m just merely introducing myself, it seems my girlfriend here knows you and I wanted to meet the legend “X”, all I ask for is a simple handshake” answered Daniel. ~Kris laughed again~ “You must be praising me but lets get a few things straight one, never refer to me as “X” you don’t have that right second, I know Tonya put you up to this and frankly it annoys me don’t feed me that polite bullshit because your intentions of coming over here wasn’t to meet and greet third, you don’t intimidate me and last, Me and you will never shake hands.” Kris said boldly. “Oh come on Kris how more rude can you get?” asked Tonya. “Look who’s talking?” Anna shot back. “Yeah throwing soda in somebodies face isn’t the epitome of politeness either” added Brandi. “That’s it I’ve had it with you two, let’s get it on right now!” yelled Angela. “Stop Angela, Tonya, we have no time to be dealing with these losers, as for you Kris I will win this tournament, and pretty soon you’ll be seeing me a lot more often.... let’s go” said Daniel. “Wait, You can’t even phantom what you’re getting yourself into, but you’re in, no one insults me and gets away with it, you insulted with your phony presence and trying to pass off as a respectable person, be prepared to face me in the finals Ramsey” Kris said while pointing at Daniel. “Hey Kris” yelled Tonya. ~She had the letter and waved it from side to side~ “This isn’t even the beginning, remember that” warned Tonya. ~Tonya, Angela, and Daniel walked away~ “We shouldn’t have let them do that” said Manny. “They just don’t get it” said Daraun. “Oh, they get it but if they don’t the rest of this school year will be very interesting” Kris replied. “And one thing is for sure they still have that letter” said Brandi. “We don’t need to worry about that now” said Daraun. “He’s right lets sort this out Monday” said Anna. ~The second round came to an end with Team Physalis advancing of course. Team Kokoro and Team GM also advanced to the semi finals which was going to be held that next Friday~ “Hey, Anna we’ve got time to see a movie, you wanna come?, it’ll be on me?” said Kris. “Sure, I’d love to” answered Anna. “What about me?” asked Brandi who was a few feet away. ~Kris and Anna didn’t hear her, they were already buying tickets~ “Well I guess it’s just me and you” said Daraun. “Wow what was your first clue” responded Brandi. “Geez just wanted to take you to a movie, but I guess you don’t want to come” said Daraun. “Sorry, this is really my first time being ignored by Kris like this” said Brandi. “Come on” Daraun said as he motioned to the box office. ~Brandi and Daraun went to buy their tickets~ “Excuse me, what movie did those other two buy tickets for?” asked Brandi. “Cradle 2 the Grave, would you like to see that” said the attendant. “Yes please” answered Brandi. “Hey I didn’t want to see that” said Daraun. “Be quiet and give her the money” ordered Brandi. “Serves me right” mumbled Daraun while giving the attendant the money. ~They walked into the theater~ “Would you like some popcorn and a soda?” asked Daraun. “Sure, Thank you” answered Brandi. “You know, I can tell that you care about Kris a lot, not like you love him or anything but you just care” said Daraun. “I do, I might be a little protective of him, but he’s been hurt a lot, even by me, he’s a great person and he deserves a great girl” Brandi said while grabbing her soda. “So Anna’s not that person to you?” asked Daraun. “No I don’t think any girl is “that” person right now” answered Brandi. “I don’t agree with that, Anna is perfect, those two like the same things, and she really helps his mood, just her presence makes him happy” Daraun said while opening the door to the theater cinema. “You might be right, but I’m going to watch her anyway, what happened to him earlier today isn’t going to happen again with me here” Brandi replied. ~Daraun and Brandi walked into the theater and immediately saw Kris and Anna talking~ “Let’s sit here” said Brandi. “Are you crazy?, they’ll see us” whispered Daraun. ~The lights went out and the previews began~ “Thanks Kris you and your friends have made me feel very welcome” said Anna. “Don’t mention it, everyone likes you anyway, even Brandi... I think” responded Kris. ~The movie came to an end and Kris and Anna walked out of the theater~ (Brandi and Daraun weren’t far behind) “ I had a great time tonight Anna, well besides winning that match it was all thanks to you” said Kris. “I don’t know what to say” said Anna. “That’s okay I, think I’ve given you one too many complements anyway” Kris replied. “I didn’t mean it that way” Anna said while grabbing Kris’s hand. “Then what did you mean?” asked Kris. ~ Anna got close and stood directly in front of Kris~ ~The two stood there staring into each others eyes~ “What the hell are they doing?” asked Brandi. “I don’t know” answered Daraun. “Brandi told me about what happened between you two last year, I couldn’t believe what you went through last year, and I promise that won’t happen this time, I had a good time too thank you”Anna replied. ~ Anna’s face got closer to Kris’s , a second later they kissed for about ten seconds, they held hands and began walking toward Kris’s car~ “I knew it” said Brandi. “Oh my god” said Daraun in shock. ~Brandi and Daraun started walking~ “You know we can’t say anything about what we just saw” said Daraun. “I know, but can’t we stop this some how you know firsthand what these crushes do to Kris”said Brandi. We shouldn’t interfere in their affairs, besides it seemed like they didn’t know what they wanted to do, I don’t think anything serious is going to happen anytime soon” replied Daraun. “I guess that they didn’t seem “too serious” agreed Brandi.~ They made it to Kris’s car and got in~ “Finally” Kris said while starting the car. “What were you guys doing?” asked Anna. “I’d like to know the same” Daraun said sarcastically. “We saw a movie” Kris and Anna said at the same time. “Anyway you remember that we have to deal with Tonya and her group next week, what they said earlier isn’t being forgotten” said Daraun. “Yeah I wanna make them pay” said Brandi. “I remember, but we also need to investigate that new group, in the long run they can become a threat” said Kris. ~Kris dropped everyone off and went home for the weekend, He spent his weekend relaxing and thinking about the past week~ ~Monday Morning~ The phone rang. “Hello” Kris said as he answered the phone. “Good Morning, Kris” greeted Anna. “Hey how are you doing” asked Kris. “Great, I was just calling to tell you that we need to talk when we get to school” answered Anna. “Okay, I’ll pick you up in about a 15 minutes, See you then, bye” Kris responded. ~Kris got dressed and ran out to his Accord, He soon arrived at Daraun’s house~ “Hey man, ready to take care of business today?” greeted Daraun. “Sort of, Anna called and said that she needed to talk to me” Kris answered. “About what?” asked Daraun. “I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s about Friday night” answered Kris. ~Daraun turned away~ “I’ve been wondering, how did Tonya find out that you wrote the letter when it was anonymous?” asked Daraun. “Well at the bottom of the letter I put my “X” symbol on it, it was difficult to see, but it seemed Tonya was determined to find out who wrote it and was very observant of it.” Kris answered. “I guess that explains when I called you X.....” started Daraun. “She put two and two together and found that it was me” interrupted Kris. ~They arrived at Anna’s house and picked up Brandi and Anna, and began to head toward school~ “Good morning Daraun” Anna greeted. “Hi Anna, I hope that you guys are ready, we have to make a statement today” said Daraun. “Oh that reminds me D, I need you to run the meeting this morning” said Kris. “Okay I’ll take care of it” Daraun responded. ~They soon arrived at school~ “Well me and Anna will go on our way, remember to tell me everything you guys go over” said Kris. ~Kris and Anna went behind the S building~ “Alright, Kris I brought you back here to tell you that I, I” started Anna. “Take your time, actually I was wondering if you were looking for a boyfriend?” asked Kris. “You read my mind, you see Kris I want to go...” Anna said trying to finish. “Well, well, well look what we have here” said Tonya. “Looks like one lover boy and his girlfriend who can’t mind her own business” said Angela. “I think you’re right Angela” said Gabriel. ~Tonya reached into her pocket~ “Hey look I’m holding Kris’s heart” said Tonya while waving the letter. ~she tossed it to Jennifer, Jennifer tossed it to Angela who tossed it back to Tonya. “You see Kris I told you that it’s just the beginning” laughed Tonya. “That’s it, are you finished?” asked Kris with a smirk on his face. “Hey, I don’t se anything funny” yelled Gabriel. ~Kris reached into his backpack~ “Oh god, he’s gonna throw a book at us” mocked Angela. “Electro Shocker” Kris said while throwing a small battery at Gabriel. ~A ray of electricity surrounded Gabriel and he fell to the ground~ “Okay, what the hell was that?” asked Tonya. “Don’t worry he’ll only be knocked out for a few minutes, compliments of the “WolfPak” answered Kris. ~Kris threw a Smokebomb at the ground and he and Anna disappeared~ ~Kris and Anna were running~ “What was that?” asked Anna. “Josh’s experimental non-lethal weapons” answered Kris while stopping. “I can’t believe that they did that” said Anna as they walked into the counseling office. “Kris the “Pak” has come to a decision, hey why are you breathing so hard” said Daraun. “We ran into Tonya and Company” Kris responded. “How did you guys get away?” asked Daraun. “Black’s weapons” answered Kris. “Hmm so they work” said Daraun. “Let’s go after them right now” yelled Brandi. “She’s right Kris, lets go” said Daraun. “No, right now believe it or not they have the advantage” said Kris. “And how is that?” asked Daraun. “The letter” answered Anna. “We’re going to get it back and burn it, but not today, Let’s go see Black.... Anna and Brandi please stay here” Kris said while opening the door. “Okay” said Anna and Brandi. ~They went to Black’s hangout~ “Hey Black how is it going?” asked Kris. “Okay, I guess” answered Black. “What’s with you?” asked Daraun. “My parents called me the son of Satan because I got an A- on my progress report” answered Black. “I got to test your weapons” said Kris. “Oh so my Electro Shocker and Smokebomb are a success , I just finished the prototypes for the Stun Shocker and Solar Flash, the Electro Shocker and Smokebomb will be in mass production by Thursday” said Josh excitedly. “Has anyone been asking anything about us, you know stuff they shouldn’t be asking” asked Kris. “As a matter of fact Gabriel just came here and demanded to know where you were” answered Black. “I kind of left them with a few gifts if you know what I mean said Kris. “We should get going”said Daraun. “By Thursday you say, on Thursday we’ll meet you here to pick up the weapons and distribute them to the whole “Pak” and of course you will receive your 200 dollars” said Kris. “The money is not really necessary, you guys are making me feel like a weapons dealer” said Black modestly. “You can use it to test new weapons, you’re in charge of the weapons Sam is developing more but they get approved by you remember that” said Daraun while turning around. ~The two said bye to Black and began walking back to the counseling office, they saw Tonya and Gabriel who sat there looking at them~ “Do you like something over here?” yelled Daraun. ~Tonya and Gabriel didn’t answer and continued to look Kris and Daraun’s way~ “I heard you two were looking for me, well I’m right here” yelled Kris. ~Gabriel stood up~ “You truly are quite the arrogant one, you got lucky earlier and you won’t escape me again” said Gabriel. “We have no problem with Daraun or the meaningless others” started Angela. “Just you, Anna, and Brandi; you for writing that stupid letter and insulting my boyfriend, Anna for sticking her nose in my business and pushing me down and, Brandi for challenging me, these are the people we are after if anyone else interferes they’ll be apart of this too” Tonya said in an angry tone. “Your best bet would be to stay off of our turf, if you don’t want to get hurt” said Gabriel. “Oh and did I mention that starting Friday my Daniel will be going here for the rest of the year, you have no chance of leaving Paloma without being embarrased” said Tonya. “I guess you just did, now listen your threats mean nothing to me, I’ll take on anyone or anything that you have to offer, I’m a wolf and I do have a pack” said Kris boldly. ~Kris spit on the ground right in front of Tonya and walked away with his hands in his pockets, Daraun shrugged his shoulders and quickly followed~ “Kris I don’t know if Daraun’s told you yet but on Thursday we are striking against Tonya’s group if their lack of respect continues”said Manny. “Good I want to assign your sister Natalie to Anna” said Kris. “Why?” asked Manny. “It seems Tonya and her friends want revenge on, me, her and Brandi, I’m sure Brandi can take care of herself for the time being” answered Kris. “I’ll take care of it” Manny said confidently. “Finally, man you walk fast” said Daraun. “Why are you running?” asked Manny. “To catch up with Kris, man he really pissed them off” answered Daraun. “That reminds me on Thursday the war begins, they won’t stop until they get the revenge that they want” announced Kris. “Perfect I’ll plan our first attack” said Manny. “Well that’s settled” said Kris. “Ray, Fabian come over here” ordered Daraun. “Any new developments?” asked Manny. “Actually, yes” answered Fabian. “We found out that new groups name” continued Ray. “The word on the street is that their name is “Tha Syndicate” continued Fabian. “Their territory has grown slightly, Past the D building almost” lectured Ray. “But the thing is they don’t have a leader yet, which means that they shouldn’t be making any important moves anytime soon” finished Fabian. “But what if they do get one soon?” asked Manny. “That is highly unlikely, that’s their main dispute it may take them weeks even months to pick a leader” lectured Fabian. “I guess that’s good info, anyway spread the word about Thursday to the rest of the “Pak” ordered Kris.

I'm not a writer; this is just an average Joe's oppinion, so you can take it or leave it:
That's a long story. All of this happens before any game-play begins? I assume you'll have to shorten it down a great deal.

A lot of seemingly important things go unexplained like what is the WolfPack and why would they care about some secret society, i.e. what are the society doing to arouse interest? Also a lot of characters are thrown in unintroduced, which makes the story hard to follow, and you don't explain who "X" is until many paragraphs after he is first mentioned. As for the characters that are introduced; little is known about them, so it's a bit difficult to make sense of the dialogue at times, for example, why does Tonya react so strongly to Kris's letter?. How do gundams manifest themselves? Is it some kind of video game, or are they actually the giant robots from the cartoon? have you looked into licensing?

Rather than make the story longer, however, maybe you should focus on the most important events and focus in on those. Because no matter how good a story is, most people don't get a game to read a novel.

Edit: actually, after the third paragraph, it's less like a novel and more like a script. formatting it as such may make it easier to read.

Well, after skimming it, I'd say that you're swindling your readers by calling it "chaotic universe:genesis saga", when a better name would be "Beverly Hills:90210", since it appears to be a soap opera about california kids and has seemingly nothing at all to do with cosmology.

What is the purpose behind this story? To entertain? To teach? To introduce a game?

Who is the intended audience? Young people? California people? Old people?

There should be one concise sentence that starts with: the object of the game is...

C

Quote:Original post by Kelly G
I'm not a writer; this is just an average Joe's oppinion, so you can take it or leave it:
That's a long story. All of this happens before any game-play begins? I assume you'll have to shorten it down a great deal.

A lot of seemingly important things go unexplained like what is the WolfPack and why would they care about some secret society, i.e. what are the society doing to arouse interest? Also a lot of characters are thrown in unintroduced, which makes the story hard to follow, and you don't explain who "X" is until many paragraphs after he is first mentioned. As for the characters that are introduced; little is known about them, so it's a bit difficult to make sense of the dialogue at times, for example, why does Tonya react so strongly to Kris's letter?. How do gundams manifest themselves? Is it some kind of video game, or are they actually the giant robots from the cartoon? have you looked into licensing?

Rather than make the story longer, however, maybe you should focus on the most important events and focus in on those. Because no matter how good a story is, most people don't get a game to read a novel.

Edit: actually, after the third paragraph, it's less like a novel and more like a script. formatting it as such may make it easier to read.

The "X" thing will not be important in the long run that is just Kris's nickname at school. As for the "WolfPak" they are a group of Kris's friends consisting of Kris, Daraun, Manny, Hieu, Eric, Andrew, Natalie,Yoshii, and others who do not appear, the WolfPak cares about the secret society because they are the most powerful group in the school(they even said that at the beginning) and this society could threaten that. For Tonya read her CU1 capsule in the Plot Guide. I guess that I didn't explain that in the Gundam Tournament they were playing a video game, THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT I'll add that to my final edit. As for the long story that is about 1/3 of Chapter 1 in which I plan to split and put into Chapter 2.

Quote:Original post by dodecahedron
Well, after skimming it, I'd say that you're swindling your readers by calling it "chaotic universe:genesis saga", when a better name would be "Beverly Hills:90210", since it appears to be a soap opera about california kids and has seemingly nothing at all to do with cosmology.

What is the purpose behind this story? To entertain? To teach? To introduce a game?

Who is the intended audience? Young people? California people? Old people?

There should be one concise sentence that starts with: the object of the game is...

C

I wouldn't call it swindling There are five Sagas in the Story

Genesis- The beginning and the Drama part(for the first two chapters). The third chapter and Fourth chapter will introduce the Andiron Universe.

Drasil- The team goes through their elemental training and fight their first battles.

Readers will be rewarded in the last three sagas where the heavy fighting will take place. I tried to work the characters into the fighting by documenting their training instead of starting them off with fighting enemies so be patient get to know the characters and then read about them whupping someones ass.

Quote:the WolfPak cares about the secret society because they are the most powerful group in the school(they even said that at the beginning) and this society could threaten that.

What kind of power do they have? Does this have to do with gang violence? I couldn't say what it means for a highschool clique to be "powerful." Also why would a "secret" society brandish such a showy raiment to advertise their membership?

These are just details, but there seems to be a general problem that is difficult for me to explain. Despite the volume you've posted, there is some sort of perspective missing that is crucial to understanding the story. The story focuses on dialogue, such that seems the reader is meant to infer information about the characters through the dialogue. Yet the dialogue itself is still very vague. It's is if there are many details, yet the core is missing. I wish I could be more helpful. Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

Quote:Original post by Kelly G

Quote:the WolfPak cares about the secret society because they are the most powerful group in the school(they even said that at the beginning) and this society could threaten that.

What kind of power do they have? Does this have to do with gang violence? I couldn't say what it means for a highschool clique to be "powerful." Also why would a "secret" society brandish such a showy raiment to advertise their membership?

These are just details, but there seems to be a general problem that is difficult for me to explain. Despite the volume you've posted, there is some sort of perspective missing that is crucial to understanding the story. The story focuses on dialogue, such that seems the reader is meant to infer information about the characters through the dialogue. Yet the dialogue itself is still very vague. It's is if there are many details, yet the core is missing. I wish I could be more helpful. Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

Maybe instead of using powerful I should have used influential, Kris knows alot of people despite not being extremely popular. "Tha Syndicate" which is the name of this society, are not advertising themselves by any means Ray and Fabian are the information/spy type people of the "WolfPak" and they can find out just about anything about anyone. Thanks you're helping me realize that somethings need to be explained more so the reader can understand better, I guess I know whats going on because I made this world up and I already know whats going on. This is the first time i've let another person read this story.

Quote:Original post by neogoukix
I tried to work the characters into the fighting by documenting their training instead of starting them off with fighting enemies so be patient get to know the characters and then read about them whupping someones ass.

Hmmm...well, I play Unreal Tournament 2003 every now and then because I like the action. So, maybe I see where you're going with this. Of course, when I'm done playing Unreal, I never think twice about it and can't stand it for more than 10-15 minutes every couple of months, but that's just my tastes I guess.

I trained Capoeira for about 7 years, and then I pretty much gave it up. It never taught me when to fight. And come to think of it, it didn't much teach me how to fight except for a few good kicks.

Are you going to say why they fight?I guess I couldn't get too much of that from a quick read.

C

Quote:Original post by dodecahedron

Quote:Original post by neogoukix
I tried to work the characters into the fighting by documenting their training instead of starting them off with fighting enemies so be patient get to know the characters and then read about them whupping someones ass.

Hmmm...well, I play Unreal Tournament 2003 every now and then because I like the action. So, maybe I see where you're going with this. Of course, when I'm done playing Unreal, I never think twice about it and can't stand it for more than 10-15 minutes every couple of months, but that's just my tastes I guess.

I trained Capoeira for about 7 years, and then I pretty much gave it up. It never taught me when to fight. And come to think of it, it didn't much teach me how to fight except for a few good kicks.

Are you going to say why they fight?I guess I couldn't get too much of that from a quick read.

C

The explanation for thier fighting comes at the end of their physical training which is at the end of Chapter 4. As for the characters what do you think of some of thier personalities? I just started to giving some of the characters such as Gabriel, Daniel, and Angela more of an introduction. But Daniel and Angela aren't really important after CU1 they stop fighting, but Gabriel does need more of an introduction since he will be around for alot longer. Now For the status of my story if your curious, I finished Chaotic Universe a month ago and I'm working on the my final edit. I started concept planning for Chaotic Universe Final, which spawned two new characters Darius and Seven. And I'm currently starting Chaotic Universe 2: Universe Wars, and yes this story will start of with fighting.