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Rhaal

The Portal of Orex (Revision 2)

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Rhaal    754
Chronicles of Lorium is an RPG that will take place in the fantasy world of Lorium. At the beginning of the game the player is going to stumble upon an old amulet, which is referenced in the story below. Throughout the first half of the game, the player will be chasing down a very powerful black wizard, Radulen Tyrr - who is running around causing trouble. The player will spend a good time of the first half of the game hunting him down and finding out why he's up to no good. The Portal of Orex is a tale that took place many years before the opening of the game. The story below is not known to the player when first starting the game. Bits and pieces are revealed as the story progresses and the players learn that Radulen is being manipulated by another force. I draw my inspiration from a lot of existing works in book, film, games, etc. so I'm not asking if any of this has been done before or is typical / cookie-cutter RPG. Our team is making it for fun and practice, not profit. That said, please let me know what you think and what I could add/subtract from this Prologue. These definitions might help understand the story. Tal'Morai - An ancient rance that once inhabited Lorium. Mora - God of darkness. Leena - Goddess of light. Rhaal - God of neutrality. Citadel of Order - Place where various leaders and "law enforcement" meet, hold office, etc...
The Portal of Orex

In the early days of Lorium there existed a group of mages who were commissioned by the gods to ensure balance was maintained in the world. Known as the Sovereign Watch, this consul met within the great walls of the Citadel of Order located on Lorium’s northernmost continent. The Sovereign Watch was a small group, consisting of only six members. There were two followers from each of the three orders of magic. They adorned themselves with different colored robes as a presentment of which god they held allegiance to. There were two black-robed followers of Mora, two white-robed followers of the goddess Leena, and two grey-robed followers of Rhaal. The two followers of Rhaal were the leaders, Orex Naus and Aesric Malfar. This group fought in many battles and had been involved in every major trial throughout the land. These tales can be found in other volumes of Lorium’s past. When Orex began to reach an age where his life trailed him more than it led him, he was met by a messenger from the gods. This happened late one night in his study. Shortly after extinguishing his candle, Orex noticed that the room hadn’t darkened. Rising from his chair and turning around he came face to face with his messenger. A radiant figure, in the form of a very tall man, stood before him with an ever-changing face. In a multitude of voices the messenger spoke. “Orex, your many years of service have pleased the gods. You have led a just and proper life and shall not endure the struggle of mortal death. Seek out the great sage Sebryn, for he is the last of the Tal’Morai and he is your key.” Just as quickly as he arrived so had the messenger left. Orex relayed the details of his encounter to the Sovereign Watch the next morning. He noticed a strange change in Aesric’s expression at these details, but he thought little of it. His plan was to leave as soon as darkness fell that evening. Putting all his faith in the gods, Orex traversed the world of Lorium through forest and river, desert and mountain, led only by his prayers. He never truly knew his course, and he was unaware of Aesric following close behind in the shadows. After three days of travel they both arrived at the Tower of Elusion, the home of the great sages. Sebryn had been waiting for them as he also had an encounter with the messenger. He was given specific instructions on how to build a portal which would lead to the realm of the gods, and one that must be destroyed after its single intended use. As an additional precaution, the portal was enchanted with a complex locking scheme. Activation required an amulet Sebryn wore around his neck that was engraved with the Talmorish symbol for neutrality. After the amulet was inserted, one must commune with the gods through a Talmorish prayer. Since Sebryn was the last of the Tal’Morai, he was the only one with the power to open it. The evening he arrived, Sebryn led Orex up to a very small room in the top of the Tower of Elusion. Aesric managed to slip in behind them, unnoticed. In the center of this dark room stood Sebryn, Orex, and the portal. Still hiding in the shadows, Aesric waited in the corner for the opportune moment. Sebryn removed his amulet and walked towards the portal. Inserting it into the recessed area at the top of the portal, he began his prayer. A soft red glow began to fill the entire room. With the illumination chasing away the shadows, Aesric was revealed. He began to make his move and stepped closer to the portal. Upon seeing this, Orex was taken aback. Sebryn had just finished his chant and the portal stood wide open. Everything suddenly made sense, and Orex now knew why Aesric’s expression had changed in their last meeting. Aesric wanted only one thing, and that was power. He planned to enter the portal and challenge the gods. Alarmed for only a second, Orex was unable to react as Aesric lunged towards him with a dagger. Falling to the ground, Orex managed to evade the attack, but Sebryn had taken the blow in his stead. Standing up to make a move of his own, Orex began to recall the words of a dragon’s breath spell which would surely incinerate his opponent. The shock of this sudden betrayal must have still coursed through his body because he missed and the blast hit a rock next to Aesric which launched him much closer to the portal. However this stroke of luck did not extend to Aesric’s body. It was crushed by the fall and he would soon die. In one final desperate reach towards the open portal, Aesric’s life force left him and his arm fell limply to the ground. His soul, however, had successfully entered the portal. Just as Orex had begun to get back up the room began to shake. He felt as if every brick were resonating with the gods’ anger. Not wanting their world to become corrupted, the gods had no choice but to change the destination of the portal. This had never been done with a portal already open and the sudden shift caused tremors of energy so great that eventually the entire Tower of Elusion fell, crushing Orex and giving him the natural death he never deserved. Aesric was lost in a dark unknown world. His plan had failed and he had to find a way back into the normal living world of Lorium. He ventured through this dark realm in search of some way out. Everything seemed to be a reflection of Lorium, yet twisted and disheveled as if a great war had once taken place here. That would, however, require inhabitants of which he found none. At some point, Aesric had been traveling through the ruins of a small town when he noticed a small shack that was still standing. He approached it and noticed that it looked ancient, yet undamaged like the rest of the world around him. He entered. The inside was filled with cobwebs and dust. It appeared to be a study as the walls were lined with many books and there was a chair sitting next to a small table by the shack’s only window. It was what sat on the table, however, that caught Aesric’s eye. On top of the table sat a crystal the size of his fist. Picking it up, Aesric could see that this was so much more than just a decoration. Through it, he could see the living world of Lorium and he soon mastered the crystal’s powers. While it would not act as a portal for his soul to travel through, he found a way to use it to manipulate someone into finding and opening the portal from the other side. Many years later… Radulen Tyrr had always favored the dark arts but came from a family of honorable knights that disapproved of this. As a teen he had ventured off to start his own life. Early in his travels, Radulen had encountered a group of black mages that took him in and trained him in the dark arts. One evening, Radulen had been given some ronich plant by one of his fellow mages. He was told it would help him relax and bring him closer to Mora. From a dark realm beyond, Aesric was watching this whole scene through the crystal. Aesric fancied this young Radulen, and he had been watching him through the crystal for a long time. With the substance in his blood, Radulen’s mind became weak. This was the point at which Aesric had attained a firm grasp on his soul. From that point on, Aesric began to manipulate Radulen into seeking out the portal and a method for opening it. Anything in their way was the enemy – beginning with the group of mages Radulen was currently with.


:) [Edited by - Rhaal on October 18, 2004 6:34:17 PM]

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Cosmic One    308
You're building quite an interesting story here. Since you asked not to hear about the 'cookie cutter' elements I won't point those out ;).

First off, I'm a little confused about the title here... is it Chronicles of Lorium? or The Portal of Orex? And similarly, in the story part, will this actually be part of the gameplay or will it be a cutscene just for the history? Cuz this sounds a bit like an adventure in itself, two wizards who travel the world wide to find this grand tower.

As for comments, I'd say that it is building to something quite original. I like your names too, quite suitable and interesting.

I can't think of much you need to add to this prologue; it's fairly self explanitory and thorough enough to give the user a sense of the world, the important history. I think you can do some editing to cut the fat, so to speak, from the story. A backstory often doesn't need that kind of action you wrote of in the tower room. It says enough to the character of Aesric that he betrayed his master and killed one of the sages. The diving, the magic casting, it's just too much, my advice would be to simplify that part.

At the very end you say that the Gods had fled. That you might want to say a little more about, as Gods are not characteristically ones known to flee. That said, my suggestion would be that maybe the enormous explosion occured on both the human's and Gods' side of the portal. This might have killed the Gods, or harmed them enough that Aesric could wreak some havoc.

Overall very good in my opinion, keep us posted (and posting).

As ever,
***Cosmic***

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Rhaal    754
Quote:
Original post by Cosmic One
You're building quite an interesting story here. Since you asked not to hear about the 'cookie cutter' elements I won't point those out ;).

First off, I'm a little confused about the title here... is it Chronicles of Lorium? or The Portal of Orex? And similarly, in the story part, will this actually be part of the gameplay or will it be a cutscene just for the history? Cuz this sounds a bit like an adventure in itself, two wizards who travel the world wide to find this grand tower.

As for comments, I'd say that it is building to something quite original. I like your names too, quite suitable and interesting.

I can't think of much you need to add to this prologue; it's fairly self explanitory and thorough enough to give the user a sense of the world, the important history. I think you can do some editing to cut the fat, so to speak, from the story. A backstory often doesn't need that kind of action you wrote of in the tower room. It says enough to the character of Aesric that he betrayed his master and killed one of the sages. The diving, the magic casting, it's just too much, my advice would be to simplify that part.

At the very end you say that the Gods had fled. That you might want to say a little more about, as Gods are not characteristically ones known to flee. That said, my suggestion would be that maybe the enormous explosion occured on both the human's and Gods' side of the portal. This might have killed the Gods, or harmed them enough that Aesric could wreak some havoc.

Overall very good in my opinion, keep us posted (and posting).

As ever,
***Cosmic***


Thanks for the feedback. I spend a lot of time on names to make sure they are fitting and at the same time, easily pronounced.

The game is Chronicles of Lorium. It's about a fantasy world called Lorium. The Portal of Orex is just the title I whipped up for this backstory.

This backstory is written only for design and development's sake. I don't plan to flood the player with information, but I do want my FMV guy to know how to setup the scene. Now that I think about it, I intentionally put extra detail just to help him visualize.

That said, I'm not sure on presentation. I'm sure some will be FMV, but not one giant one. Maybe some of it will be a "playable past" experience.

So, the player will not be aware of ANY of this at the start of the game. All they know is that Radulen Tyrr is running around causing trouble, and they chase him down. I actually plan to have him join your party midway through, when you learn the truth and he becomes "unposessed". Ever had someone that you thought was the boss join your party in an RPG? I thought it'd be cool.

The second half of the game you know the truth, you know the story of the portal, and you know where to find it. You're chasing Aesric down like the foul dog he is!

< ahem >

I love your idea about the blast affecting the gods realm as well, and I was also wondering how I was goign to explain the gods fleeing. I must work more on what exactly the blast is, and what caused it.

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Lysander    134
Quote:
Original post by Rhaal


The Portal of Orex


History tells of an ancient conclave of wizards who were appointed by the gods to help maintain balance within the world of Lorium. The group consisted of eight total members. Two there were adorning the white robes worn by the followers of lady Leena. Just as well there were two in the black robes signifying their reverence for the foul god Mora. Two stood, as equal as the rest, under grey robes of the worshipers of Rhaal. The other two were leader and apprentice, the leader being Orexaphael Ulysses Van Larson, more commonly known as Orex, and his apprentice being Aesric Malfar. Both wore the grey robes as well.

There are many tales of the conclaves adventures. However, there are also many books on those topics that fill many shelves. This group was accepted by all the inhabitants of Lorium as, without balance, the world could not exist.

Orex began to reach an age where his life was more behind him than it was ahead of him. Nobody is sure how long humans lived at that time, but it was a lot longer than the present. He knew that soon he would go to be with the gods and this pleased him.

One night in his study, just as he was about to turn in, Orex was met by a radiance that resembled a being that he could not physically describe. Truly, this was a messenger from the gods! In a thundering, yet somehow quiet, voice the messenger declared “Orex, your many years of service have pleased the gods. You have led a just and proper life and shall not endure the pain of natural death. Seek out the great sage Sebryn, for he is the last of the Tal’Morai and he holds the key.”

Just as quick as the diety arrived, so had it left. Orex relayed this to the council and informed them that he would be leaving with his apprentice, Aesric. Before the sun breached the horizon the next morning, they were gone.

Putting all their faith in the gods, Orex and Aesric walked where they felt led, never truly knowing their destination. Through forest and river, desert and mountain they traversed the lands of Lorium in search of the great sage, Sebryn. After three days their journey was over. They had reached the Tower of Elusion – the home of the great sages.

Sebryn was waiting for them as he too had a messenger that same night. He had been given specific instructions on how to build a portal. This portal was the one which would lead to the god’s realms, and must be destroyed after it’s use. As an additional precaution, the portal was protected with a tricky locking scheme. Activation required an amulet Sebryn wore around his neck that was engraved with the Tal’Morai symbol for neutrality. After this was inserted, the words “*talmorish speech*” must be said in the ancient Talmorish language, meaning “*Open the portal.*” Since Sebryn was the last of the Tal’Morai, he was the only one with the power to open it.

The evening they arrived, Sebryn led our two adventurers up to a very small room in the very top of this very tall tower. After traversing all the stairs, Orex almost thought he might prefer a natural death. It sure seemed a lot easier. Yet, they had arrived before he knew it.

In the center of this dark room at the tower’s peak stood the portal, that later became known as the Portal of Orex, and the three men Sebryn, Orex, and Aesric. Sebryn removed his amulet and proceeded forward towards the portal. He placed it in the recessed area above the portal. A soft red glow began to emit from it that filled the entire room causing previously unseen bats to flutter around nervously. There was only one thing left to do and Sebryn began to chant.

It was at that moment that Aesric began to step closer and closer to the portal and it was then that Orex realized something was wrong. It was too late, for Sebryn had finished the process and the portal stood open before them in all it’s splendor. Stunned for only a second, Orex was unable to react and Aesric had lunged towards him with, from what he could briefly see, something shimmering in his hand. Crouching down, Orex managed to escape and noticed the great Sebryn had already fallen victim to Aesric’s dagger. He stood up, ready to make a move of his own. As frail as he had become, Orex still had extremely powerful magic that he could call on when the cause required it.

Rubbing his hands together and uttering the words of magic, Orex began to cast a dragon’s breath spell which would surely incenerate his opponent who, seconds ago, was known as apprentice and best friend.

The spell missed and blasted a rock next to Aesric which, in turn, launched Aesric much closer to the open portal. The fall had crushed him, however, and he would soon die. It was only a few feet from the portal and he begin to crawl. Just as his life force left him, Aesric began to reach inside the portal and his limp body fell to the ground.

Seconds later Aesric’s body burst with the force of a modern day nuclear bomb which obliterated Orex and the entire area around them.

It turns out that Aesric’s corrupted life force had left him and entered the portal while his body remained behind. This disruption caused a quantum ripple which would forever effect the world of Lorium. Aesric was alone in the realm of the gods; for the gods had fled and he began to attain great supernatural power. He could not escape into the normal realm of Lorium without someone opening the portal on the other side.

1000 years later, Aesric began to manipulate the black mage Radulen Tyrr across the realms, and it was through him that Aesric planned his return and control of Lorium.




Positive or negative feedback is welcomed if constructive. Thanks!


Why did you use the names "Ulysses Van Larson"?

The conclave needs a name.

Something to foreshadow Aesric's betrayal a little would be nice.

What is Lorium's relationship to Earth?

The players won't see this story, right?

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Rhaal    754
Quote:
Original post by Lysander
Why did you use the names "Ulysses Van Larson"?


The same reason Squaresoft used Strife, Leonhart, Highwind, etc. I like my characters to have full names.

Quote:
Original post by Lysander
The conclave needs a name.


I plan on this, but didn't feel it was prudent to getting my point across during story development. You'll also notice other text placed between asterisks that I still need to replace.

Quote:
Original post by Lysander
Something to foreshadow Aesric's betrayal a little would be nice.


This too will be arranged later, but I agree. Again, this story was created for development's sake. It's not going to be read by the player like a book so it wasn't necessary to flesh out the story's main focal point: Why Radulen Tyrr is evil.

Quote:
Original post by Lysander
What is Lorium's relationship to Earth?


Lorium is a fantasy world of it's own, as is Delain, Krynn, Ivalice, etc... There is no relationship to earth other than some animals and vegetation.

Quote:
Original post by Lysander
The players won't see this story, right?


They will be made aware of it through various segements as the players seek out Radulen Tyrr from the start of the game.

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Lysander    134
Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
The same reason Squaresoft used Strife, Leonhart, Highwind, etc. I like my characters to have full names.


That's not what I meant. Why did you use Terran names when the rest are alien? Especially since those three names come from three different cultures.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal re: conclave name
I plan on this, but didn't feel it was prudent to getting my point across during story development. You'll also notice other text placed between asterisks that I still need to replace.


You didn't indicate that as with the other places.

(Are you aware that you're using words in non-standard ways? You used "prudent" to mean "crucial" and in the story, you used "adorning" to mean "wearing.")

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
This too will be arranged later, but I agree. Again, this story was created for development's sake. It's not going to be read by the player like a book so it wasn't necessary to flesh out the story's main focal point: Why Radulen Tyrr is evil.


If that's the case, you might want to mention him more...maybe bring him in at the beginning, as a frame, instead of only mentioning him once, in the last sentence.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Lorium is a fantasy world of it's own, as is Delain, Krynn, Ivalice, etc... There is no relationship to earth other than some animals and vegetation.


It's a little unclear because you use modern Earth references.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
They will be made aware of it through various segements as the players seek out Radulen Tyrr from the start of the game.


If it's presented as text, I suggest the piece be smoothed a bit; the language is awkward in some places. Also there are a few spelling errors.

Something I forgot to mention before: I don't like that Aesric is both apprentice and best friend; those two relationships don't mesh well.

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Rhaal    754
Wow, I completely had the wrong conception about the word "prudent". Thanks. As far as adorning, I meant to say "adorning themselves..." and I'll make that adjustment.

I dont understand the earth references outside of forest, river, desert, mountain, and bats. Earth plants and animals will be in Lorium.

Does "Ulysses Van Larson" mean something I'm not aware of? I put it together as far as I know. What do you mean by Terran names? I can't find this word anywhere.

While you make a lot of good points, theres one I have to disagree on completely. I dont feel the need to mention Radulen more because he's not alive at the time of this story. When the story of Radulen's corruption is written, it will contain that account. The development team is well aware of who Radulen is, and for understanding the story of Orex, all you need to know is that Radulen is a dark mage, corrupted in the future, by this Aesric.

I never really thought of the impact of calling him best friend. I'll change that.

This wont be presented as text, and will probably undergo several revisions as part of the story design document. It should be looked at as more of a conceptualizing piece.

Suggestions are always welcome, but blunt questions can be a little hard to answer. I can take them, but please explain yourself when using terms that not everyone will understand, such as Terran. You may have published works and be more educated, but in order to help you've gotta come down slightly and explain things! Thanks.

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Lysander    134
Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
I dont understand the earth references outside of forest, river, desert, mountain, and bats. Earth plants and animals will be in Lorium.


You compare the explosion to a "modern day nuclear bomb." And "Nobody is sure how long humans lived at that time, but it was a lot longer than the present," shouldn't mention humans; just make it "men."

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Does "Ulysses Van Larson" mean something I'm not aware of? I put it together as far as I know. What do you mean by Terran names? I can't find this word anywhere.


Terran is to Earth as Martian is to Mars. It's often used in sci-fi, such as the Terran Republic in Planetside and the Terran Ascendancy in Starship Troopers.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
While you make a lot of good points, theres one I have to disagree on completely. I dont feel the need to mention Radulen more because he's not alive at the time of this story. When the story of Radulen's corruption is written, it will contain that account. The development team is well aware of who Radulen is, and for understanding the story of Orex, all you need to know is that Radulen is a dark mage, corrupted in the future, by this Aesric.


I wasn't sure how this story was going to be used.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Suggestions are always welcome, but blunt questions can be a little hard to answer. I can take them, but please explain yourself when using terms that not everyone will understand, such as Terran. You may have published works and be more educated, but in order to help you've gotta come down slightly and explain things! Thanks.


It wasn't intentional.

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_Sigma    792
[Quote]...force of a modern day nuclear bomb which obliterated Orex and the entire area around them.

...This disruption caused a quantum ripple which would forever effect the world of Lorium.
[/quote]

I think that these parts need to be re-worded. They referance earth,and "quantom ripple" doesn't really fit with the fantasy lingo, if you will. Same with the nuke referance. When I was reading the story, I was fully immersed (I love reading stories :p ) but once I read the nuke, and quantom ripple, I was grabed back into the present. I think it needs somthing....fantasy related...

I must say, if that was a book, I'd buy it! :D

I really like the names, they fit the setting, yet are pronouncable!

Good joob!

Sigma

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PaulCesar    524
Great story, I would go into SOME detail as to why Radulen was chosen as the host of this. Perhaps he was chosen as a host because expiriments in the dark arts exposed himself through a simlar portal (though perhaps one which could only view). 1000 years after the original portal was created, rumor had of course spread, and it was Radulen who through a stroke of luck was able to create a magick viewing portal which Aesric could communicate through.....

Sorry im bambling, i have a really bad hangover right now, and that shit happends.

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Lysander    134
Quote:
Original post by _Sigma
I think that these parts need to be re-worded. They referance earth,and "quantom ripple" doesn't really fit with the fantasy lingo, if you will. Same with the nuke referance. When I was reading the story, I was fully immersed (I love reading stories :p ) but once I read the nuke, and quantom ripple, I was grabed back into the present. I think it needs somthing....fantasy related...


I agree. "Quantum" is much overused in general. Maybe you could mention that the other wizards felt it, something like that?

Quote:
Original post by PaulCesar
Great story, I would go into SOME detail as to why Radulen was chosen as the host of this. Perhaps he was chosen as a host because expiriments in the dark arts exposed himself through a simlar portal (though perhaps one which could only view). 1000 years after the original portal was created, rumor had of course spread, and it was Radulen who through a stroke of luck was able to create a magick viewing portal which Aesric could communicate through.....


That's kind of what I was saying...he seems more of an afterthought to me.

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onyxflame    203
Pretty good story, has a few elements of old RPG's but they mainly serve to highlight the new stuff. (btw, the "bad guy joining the good guys" thing isn't as unique as you think -- remember Magus (or whatever his name was) in Chrono Trigger? I'm not really nitpicking though, I only brought it up because you said you thought it was original hehe.)

Anyway, onto my main point. How about if the gods had fled their plane long ago, because they moved on to create another universe? Of course, then you have to explain why the messenger of the gods told him to make a portal going to their old plane. Maybe Aesric corrupted the process somehow and made it go there instead of the intended place? And why did Orex take Aesric along anyway? We're talking immortality here...any self respecting old guy (not to mention wizard) is gonna suspect that anyone, no matter how close their relationship is, would jump at the chance to attain it.

And just out of curiosity, why does Radulen automatically get unpossessed when they figure out what's going on? If you wanted to add some moral ambiguity, you could have him realize that he's possessed but unable to resist for long regardless. What if he tells you to kill him before he can do any more damage, and whether you do or not sets up different story arcs? (Haven't thought this through very much, ignore it if it just sounds stupid. :P)

Like I said, overall I like it. Just a few things for you to think more about. :)

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Rhaal    754
Good stuff guys. I will work on version 2 later today (on the clock).

I see now that a lot needs to be added/reworded to make sense to people who don't have the whole story swimming around in their head (ie, just me)!

I do plan on having Radulen struggle, and he's not going to just go "Poof, I'm normal".

Chrono Trigger? Kind of a sore spot right now. I've been playing through on an emulator. I made decent progress then accidentally loaded a state rather than loading a save file. Problem was that state refreshed the save file to whatever it was at that time.

Why do emulator programmers have restore/load states affect the save file?! BAH! 'Nother topic.

Thanks again everyone!

To avoid any bashers, I own the CT SNES Cart.

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Rhaal    754
I have updated the first post with version 2 of the story. I took a lot of your guys' advice into account. Feedback is welcome!

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onyxflame    203
Much cooler, although I may be biased hehe.

My one question is: Radulen's family obviously wasn't happy about his choices. Do they figure in the plot of the game?

Possible plot segment involving the family:
Perhaps Radulen has a brother who ends up joining Hero at some point. Brother hides being related to Radulen, but says he has great reason to want to attack Radulen without saying specifics. Brother is in the party for quite some time, enough for the player to get sort of attatched to him. Finally, they find Radulen and have a showdown. Or they're about to, anyway. (Could insert a scene here where Brother confronts Radulen, making Hero and the player aware of their relationship.) Brother rushes Radulen and they fight without the party having a chance to get involved. (Maybe Radulen makes a force field type thingy around their fight?) Radulen kills Brother. (This will avoid typical "unwinnable fight" situations, make it a bit more logical that you can't prevent Brother from dying.) The forcefield disappears and Radulen goes after the party. The fight is suitably long and hard, but ends just before Radulen dies. Radulen at this point comes to his senses as much as possible under the circumstances, and holds off the possession long enough to express regret and give the party info or whatever. He may then tell them to finish him off, all depends on what you want emotion wise.

Well, that's my idea, anyway. If you don't like it, just be aware that I frequently think too much, if it's not obvious yet. :P

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Lysander    134
Nice revision.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal


The Portal of Orex


In the early days of Lorium there existed a group of mages who were commissioned by the gods to ensure balance was maintained in the world. Known as the Sovereign Watch, this consul met within the great walls of the Citadel of Order located on Lorium’s northernmost continent.



Is this story addressed to the player, or the player-character?

Quote:
Original post by RhaalThe Sovereign Watch was a small group, consisting of only six members. There were two followers from each of the three orders of magic. They adorned themselves with different colored robes as a presentment of which god they held allegiance to. There were two black-robed followers of Mora, two white-robed followers of the goddess Leena, and two grey-robed followers of Rhaal. The two followers of Rhaal were the leaders, Orex Naus and Aesric Malfar.


You can delete the second sentence; it's redundant.

It's more formal to say "...of the god to which they gave allegiance" or something similar. I think you want formal for this piece, no?

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
This group fought in many battles and had been involved in every major trial throughout the land. These tales can be found in other volumes of Lorium’s past.

When Orex began to reach an age where his life trailed him more than it led him, he was met by a messenger from the gods. This happened late one night in his study. Shortly after extinguishing his candle, Orex noticed that the room hadn’t darkened. Rising from his chair and turning around he came face to face with his messenger. A radiant figure, in the form of a very tall man, stood before him with an ever-changing face. In a multitude of voices the messenger spoke.


You don't need the "shortly."

I like the ever-changing face.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
“Orex, your many years of service have pleased the gods. You have led a just and proper life and shall not endure the struggle of mortal death. Seek out the great sage Sebryn, for he is the last of the Tal’Morai and he is your key.”


Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Just as quickly as he arrived so had the messenger left. Orex relayed the details of his encounter to the Sovereign Watch the next morning. He noticed a strange change in Aesric’s expression at these details, but he thought little of it. His plan was to leave as soon as darkness fell that evening.


I would change "quickly" to "suddenly" and "relayed" to "related."

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Putting all his faith in the gods, Orex traversed the world of Lorium through forest and river, desert and mountain, led only by his prayers. He never truly knew his course, and he was unaware of Aesric following close behind in the shadows. After three days of travel they both arrived at the Tower of Elusion, the home of the great sages.


It seems odd to me that a powerful mage wouldn't know there was someone following him, especially another powerful mage.

I don't like the name "Elusion."

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Sebryn had been waiting for them as he also had an encounter with the messenger. He was given specific instructions on how to build a portal which would lead to the realm of the gods, and one that must be destroyed after its single intended use. As an additional precaution, the portal was enchanted with a complex locking scheme. Activation required an amulet Sebryn wore around his neck that was engraved with the Talmorish symbol for neutrality. After the amulet was inserted, one must commune with the gods through a Talmorish prayer. Since Sebryn was the last of the Tal’Morai, he was the only one with the power to open it.


The "and" in the second sentence makes it sound like there are two portals.

If Sebryn needed instructions, why wouldn't the gods just tell Orex how to build it and the words to say?

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
The evening he arrived, Sebryn led Orex up to a very small room in the top of the Tower of Elusion. Aesric managed to slip in behind them, unnoticed.


There again, he's unnoticed.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
In the center of this dark room stood Sebryn, Orex, and the portal. Still hiding in the shadows, Aesric waited in the corner for the opportune moment. Sebryn removed his amulet and walked towards the portal. Inserting it into the recessed area at the top of the portal, he began his prayer. A soft red glow began to fill the entire room.


You're using "began" way too much. Try deleting some, ie "A soft red glow began to fill the entire room" becomes "A soft red glow filled the room." (You don't need "entire".)

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
With the illumination chasing away the shadows, Aesric was revealed. He began to make his move and stepped closer to the portal. Upon seeing this, Orex was taken aback. Sebryn had just finished his chant and the portal stood wide open. Everything suddenly made sense, and Orex now knew why Aesric’s expression had changed in their last meeting. Aesric wanted only one thing, and that was power. He planned to enter the portal and challenge the gods.


"Began" again.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Alarmed for only a second, Orex was unable to react as Aesric lunged towards him with a dagger. Falling to the ground, Orex managed to evade the attack, but Sebryn had taken the blow in his stead. Standing up to make a move of his own, Orex began to recall the words of a dragon’s breath spell which would surely incinerate his opponent. The shock of this sudden betrayal must have still coursed through his body because he missed and the blast hit a rock next to Aesric which launched him much closer to the portal. However this stroke of luck did not extend to Aesric’s body. It was crushed by the fall and he would soon die. In one final desperate reach towards the open portal, Aesric’s life force left him and his arm fell limply to the ground. His soul, however, had successfully entered the portal.


Suggestion:

Surprised, Orex was unable to react as Aesric lunged towards him with a dagger. Falling to the ground, Orex managed to evade the attack, but Sebryn had taken the blow in his stead. Standing up to make a move of his own, Orex whispered the words of a Dragon’s Breath spell which would surely incinerate his opponent...but the shock of the betrayal must have affected his concentration, for his aim was not true. The blast scorched the rock wall next to Aesric and launched him towards the portal.

But this was not the stroke of luck it seems--Aesric was mortally injured by the fall. He reached desperately towards his goal, but his wounds were too grave and the gap too great. His life force left him and his arm fell limply to the ground.

His soul, however, had entered the portal.


Why would a powerful wizard resort to stabbing?

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Just as Orex had begun to get back up the room began to shake. He felt as if every brick were resonating with the gods’ anger. Not wanting their world to become corrupted, the gods had no choice but to change the destination of the portal. This had never been done with a portal already open and the sudden shift caused tremors of energy so great that eventually the entire Tower of Elusion fell, crushing Orex and giving him the natural death he never deserved.


Get rid of the "begun."

"Anger of the gods" sounds more grandiose than "gods' anger."

I would change "world" to "realm" and delete "of energy" and "eventually."

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Aesric was lost in a dark unknown world. His plan had failed and he had to find a way back into the normal living world of Lorium. He ventured through this dark realm in search of some way out. Everything seemed to be a reflection of Lorium, yet twisted and disheveled as if a great war had once taken place here. That would, however, require inhabitants of which he found none.


I don't think "disheveled" is a strong enough word; to me that means a loosened tie and uncombed hair, not devastation.

Try, "If there had been a war, it had killed every inhabitant, for he found none."

Does Aesric have a physical body in this place?

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
At some point, Aesric had been traveling through the ruins of a small town when he noticed a small shack that was still standing. He approached it and noticed that it looked ancient, yet undamaged like the rest of the world around him. He entered. The inside was filled with cobwebs and dust. It appeared to be a study as the walls were lined with many books and there was a chair sitting next to a small table by the shack’s only window. It was what sat on the table, however, that caught Aesric’s eye.


Delete "At some point."

You used "small" twice in one sentence and three times in one paragraph.

Change "...undamaged like the rest of the world..." to "undamaged unlike the rest of the world..."

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
On top of the table sat a crystal the size of his fist. Picking it up, Aesric could see that this was so much more than just a decoration. Through it, he could see the living world of Lorium and he soon mastered the crystal’s powers. While it would not act as a portal for his soul to travel through, he found a way to use it to manipulate someone into finding and opening the portal from the other side.


Try "conduit" or "channel" instead of "portal" and remove "to travel through."

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
Many years later…

Radulen Tyrr had always favored the dark arts but came from a family of honorable knights that disapproved of this. As a teen he had ventured off to start his own life. Early in his travels, Radulen had encountered a group of black mages that took him in and trained him in the dark arts.

One evening, Radulen had been given some ronich plant by one of his fellow mages. He was told it would help him relax and bring him closer to Mora. From a dark realm beyond, Aesric was watching this whole scene through the crystal. Aesric fancied this young Radulen, and he had been watching him through the crystal for a long time. With the substance in his blood, Radulen’s mind became weak. This was the point at which Aesric had attained a firm grasp on his soul.


"Fancied" indicates sexual attraction in some places.

Quote:
Original post by Rhaal
From that point on, Aesric began to manipulate Radulen into seeking out the portal and a method for opening it. Anything in their way was the enemy – beginning with the group of mages Radulen was currently with.


"The" portal? The same one?

Try "...beginning with Radulen's current masters."

I would be happy to explain the reasoning behind the changes if you wish.

Have you read the Dark Tower series or the Jedi Academy trilogy?

[Edited by - Lysander on October 25, 2004 4:48:37 AM]

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