Chronicles of Lorium is an RPG that will take place in the fantasy world of Lorium. At the beginning of the game the player is going to stumble upon an old amulet, which is referenced in the story below. Throughout the first half of the game, the player will be chasing down a very powerful black wizard, Radulen Tyrr - who is running around causing trouble. The player will spend a good time of the first half of the game hunting him down and finding out why he's up to no good. The Portal of Orex is a tale that took place many years before the opening of the game. The story below is not known to the player when first starting the game. Bits and pieces are revealed as the story progresses and the players learn that Radulen is being manipulated by another force. I draw my inspiration from a lot of existing works in book, film, games, etc. so I'm not asking if any of this has been done before or is typical / cookie-cutter RPG. Our team is making it for fun and practice, not profit. That said, please let me know what you think and what I could add/subtract from this Prologue. These definitions might help understand the story. Tal'Morai - An ancient rance that once inhabited Lorium. Mora - God of darkness. Leena - Goddess of light. Rhaal - God of neutrality. Citadel of Order - Place where various leaders and "law enforcement" meet, hold office, etc... The Portal of Orex

In the early days of Lorium there existed a group of mages who were commissioned by the gods to ensure balance was maintained in the world. Known as the Sovereign Watch, this consul met within the great walls of the Citadel of Order located on Lorium’s northernmost continent. The Sovereign Watch was a small group, consisting of only six members. There were two followers from each of the three orders of magic. They adorned themselves with different colored robes as a presentment of which god they held allegiance to. There were two black-robed followers of Mora, two white-robed followers of the goddess Leena, and two grey-robed followers of Rhaal. The two followers of Rhaal were the leaders, Orex Naus and Aesric Malfar. This group fought in many battles and had been involved in every major trial throughout the land. These tales can be found in other volumes of Lorium’s past. When Orex began to reach an age where his life trailed him more than it led him, he was met by a messenger from the gods. This happened late one night in his study. Shortly after extinguishing his candle, Orex noticed that the room hadn’t darkened. Rising from his chair and turning around he came face to face with his messenger. A radiant figure, in the form of a very tall man, stood before him with an ever-changing face. In a multitude of voices the messenger spoke. “Orex, your many years of service have pleased the gods. You have led a just and proper life and shall not endure the struggle of mortal death. Seek out the great sage Sebryn, for he is the last of the Tal’Morai and he is your key.” Just as quickly as he arrived so had the messenger left. Orex relayed the details of his encounter to the Sovereign Watch the next morning. He noticed a strange change in Aesric’s expression at these details, but he thought little of it. His plan was to leave as soon as darkness fell that evening. Putting all his faith in the gods, Orex traversed the world of Lorium through forest and river, desert and mountain, led only by his prayers. He never truly knew his course, and he was unaware of Aesric following close behind in the shadows. After three days of travel they both arrived at the Tower of Elusion, the home of the great sages. Sebryn had been waiting for them as he also had an encounter with the messenger. He was given specific instructions on how to build a portal which would lead to the realm of the gods, and one that must be destroyed after its single intended use. As an additional precaution, the portal was enchanted with a complex locking scheme. Activation required an amulet Sebryn wore around his neck that was engraved with the Talmorish symbol for neutrality. After the amulet was inserted, one must commune with the gods through a Talmorish prayer. Since Sebryn was the last of the Tal’Morai, he was the only one with the power to open it. The evening he arrived, Sebryn led Orex up to a very small room in the top of the Tower of Elusion. Aesric managed to slip in behind them, unnoticed. In the center of this dark room stood Sebryn, Orex, and the portal. Still hiding in the shadows, Aesric waited in the corner for the opportune moment. Sebryn removed his amulet and walked towards the portal. Inserting it into the recessed area at the top of the portal, he began his prayer. A soft red glow began to fill the entire room. With the illumination chasing away the shadows, Aesric was revealed. He began to make his move and stepped closer to the portal. Upon seeing this, Orex was taken aback. Sebryn had just finished his chant and the portal stood wide open. Everything suddenly made sense, and Orex now knew why Aesric’s expression had changed in their last meeting. Aesric wanted only one thing, and that was power. He planned to enter the portal and challenge the gods. Alarmed for only a second, Orex was unable to react as Aesric lunged towards him with a dagger. Falling to the ground, Orex managed to evade the attack, but Sebryn had taken the blow in his stead. Standing up to make a move of his own, Orex began to recall the words of a dragon’s breath spell which would surely incinerate his opponent. The shock of this sudden betrayal must have still coursed through his body because he missed and the blast hit a rock next to Aesric which launched him much closer to the portal. However this stroke of luck did not extend to Aesric’s body. It was crushed by the fall and he would soon die. In one final desperate reach towards the open portal, Aesric’s life force left him and his arm fell limply to the ground. His soul, however, had successfully entered the portal. Just as Orex had begun to get back up the room began to shake. He felt as if every brick were resonating with the gods’ anger. Not wanting their world to become corrupted, the gods had no choice but to change the destination of the portal. This had never been done with a portal already open and the sudden shift caused tremors of energy so great that eventually the entire Tower of Elusion fell, crushing Orex and giving him the natural death he never deserved. Aesric was lost in a dark unknown world. His plan had failed and he had to find a way back into the normal living world of Lorium. He ventured through this dark realm in search of some way out. Everything seemed to be a reflection of Lorium, yet twisted and disheveled as if a great war had once taken place here. That would, however, require inhabitants of which he found none. At some point, Aesric had been traveling through the ruins of a small town when he noticed a small shack that was still standing. He approached it and noticed that it looked ancient, yet undamaged like the rest of the world around him. He entered. The inside was filled with cobwebs and dust. It appeared to be a study as the walls were lined with many books and there was a chair sitting next to a small table by the shack’s only window. It was what sat on the table, however, that caught Aesric’s eye. On top of the table sat a crystal the size of his fist. Picking it up, Aesric could see that this was so much more than just a decoration. Through it, he could see the living world of Lorium and he soon mastered the crystal’s powers. While it would not act as a portal for his soul to travel through, he found a way to use it to manipulate someone into finding and opening the portal from the other side. Many years later… Radulen Tyrr had always favored the dark arts but came from a family of honorable knights that disapproved of this. As a teen he had ventured off to start his own life. Early in his travels, Radulen had encountered a group of black mages that took him in and trained him in the dark arts. One evening, Radulen had been given some ronich plant by one of his fellow mages. He was told it would help him relax and bring him closer to Mora. From a dark realm beyond, Aesric was watching this whole scene through the crystal. Aesric fancied this young Radulen, and he had been watching him through the crystal for a long time. With the substance in his blood, Radulen’s mind became weak. This was the point at which Aesric had attained a firm grasp on his soul. From that point on, Aesric began to manipulate Radulen into seeking out the portal and a method for opening it. Anything in their way was the enemy – beginning with the group of mages Radulen was currently with. :) [Edited by - Rhaal on October 18, 2004 6:34:17 PM]

You're building quite an interesting story here. Since you asked not to hear about the 'cookie cutter' elements I won't point those out ;).

First off, I'm a little confused about the title here... is it Chronicles of Lorium? or The Portal of Orex? And similarly, in the story part, will this actually be part of the gameplay or will it be a cutscene just for the history? Cuz this sounds a bit like an adventure in itself, two wizards who travel the world wide to find this grand tower.

As for comments, I'd say that it is building to something quite original. I like your names too, quite suitable and interesting.

I can't think of much you need to add to this prologue; it's fairly self explanitory and thorough enough to give the user a sense of the world, the important history. I think you can do some editing to cut the fat, so to speak, from the story. A backstory often doesn't need that kind of action you wrote of in the tower room. It says enough to the character of Aesric that he betrayed his master and killed one of the sages. The diving, the magic casting, it's just too much, my advice would be to simplify that part.

At the very end you say that the Gods had fled. That you might want to say a little more about, as Gods are not characteristically ones known to flee. That said, my suggestion would be that maybe the enormous explosion occured on both the human's and Gods' side of the portal. This might have killed the Gods, or harmed them enough that Aesric could wreak some havoc.

Overall very good in my opinion, keep us posted (and posting).

As ever,
***Cosmic***

Quote:Original post by Cosmic One
You're building quite an interesting story here. Since you asked not to hear about the 'cookie cutter' elements I won't point those out ;).

First off, I'm a little confused about the title here... is it Chronicles of Lorium? or The Portal of Orex? And similarly, in the story part, will this actually be part of the gameplay or will it be a cutscene just for the history? Cuz this sounds a bit like an adventure in itself, two wizards who travel the world wide to find this grand tower.

As for comments, I'd say that it is building to something quite original. I like your names too, quite suitable and interesting.

I can't think of much you need to add to this prologue; it's fairly self explanitory and thorough enough to give the user a sense of the world, the important history. I think you can do some editing to cut the fat, so to speak, from the story. A backstory often doesn't need that kind of action you wrote of in the tower room. It says enough to the character of Aesric that he betrayed his master and killed one of the sages. The diving, the magic casting, it's just too much, my advice would be to simplify that part.

At the very end you say that the Gods had fled. That you might want to say a little more about, as Gods are not characteristically ones known to flee. That said, my suggestion would be that maybe the enormous explosion occured on both the human's and Gods' side of the portal. This might have killed the Gods, or harmed them enough that Aesric could wreak some havoc.

Overall very good in my opinion, keep us posted (and posting).

As ever,
***Cosmic***

Thanks for the feedback. I spend a lot of time on names to make sure they are fitting and at the same time, easily pronounced.

The game is Chronicles of Lorium. It's about a fantasy world called Lorium. The Portal of Orex is just the title I whipped up for this backstory.

This backstory is written only for design and development's sake. I don't plan to flood the player with information, but I do want my FMV guy to know how to setup the scene. Now that I think about it, I intentionally put extra detail just to help him visualize.

That said, I'm not sure on presentation. I'm sure some will be FMV, but not one giant one. Maybe some of it will be a "playable past" experience.

So, the player will not be aware of ANY of this at the start of the game. All they know is that Radulen Tyrr is running around causing trouble, and they chase him down. I actually plan to have him join your party midway through, when you learn the truth and he becomes "unposessed". Ever had someone that you thought was the boss join your party in an RPG? I thought it'd be cool.

The second half of the game you know the truth, you know the story of the portal, and you know where to find it. You're chasing Aesric down like the foul dog he is!

< ahem >

I love your idea about the blast affecting the gods realm as well, and I was also wondering how I was goign to explain the gods fleeing. I must work more on what exactly the blast is, and what caused it.

Quote:Original post by Lysander
Why did you use the names "Ulysses Van Larson"?

The same reason Squaresoft used Strife, Leonhart, Highwind, etc. I like my characters to have full names.

Quote:Original post by Lysander
The conclave needs a name.

I plan on this, but didn't feel it was prudent to getting my point across during story development. You'll also notice other text placed between asterisks that I still need to replace.

Quote:Original post by Lysander
Something to foreshadow Aesric's betrayal a little would be nice.

This too will be arranged later, but I agree. Again, this story was created for development's sake. It's not going to be read by the player like a book so it wasn't necessary to flesh out the story's main focal point: Why Radulen Tyrr is evil.

Quote:Original post by Lysander
What is Lorium's relationship to Earth?

Lorium is a fantasy world of it's own, as is Delain, Krynn, Ivalice, etc... There is no relationship to earth other than some animals and vegetation.

Quote:Original post by Lysander
The players won't see this story, right?

They will be made aware of it through various segements as the players seek out Radulen Tyrr from the start of the game.

Wow, I completely had the wrong conception about the word "prudent". Thanks. As far as adorning, I meant to say "adorning themselves..." and I'll make that adjustment.

I dont understand the earth references outside of forest, river, desert, mountain, and bats. Earth plants and animals will be in Lorium.

Does "Ulysses Van Larson" mean something I'm not aware of? I put it together as far as I know. What do you mean by Terran names? I can't find this word anywhere.

While you make a lot of good points, theres one I have to disagree on completely. I dont feel the need to mention Radulen more because he's not alive at the time of this story. When the story of Radulen's corruption is written, it will contain that account. The development team is well aware of who Radulen is, and for understanding the story of Orex, all you need to know is that Radulen is a dark mage, corrupted in the future, by this Aesric.

I never really thought of the impact of calling him best friend. I'll change that.

This wont be presented as text, and will probably undergo several revisions as part of the story design document. It should be looked at as more of a conceptualizing piece.

Suggestions are always welcome, but blunt questions can be a little hard to answer. I can take them, but please explain yourself when using terms that not everyone will understand, such as Terran. You may have published works and be more educated, but in order to help you've gotta come down slightly and explain things! Thanks.