Z-Games' new FPS project, tentatively named Fleas, could use some public criticism. Our collection of ideas is posted below. _______________________________________________________________________________ Project Fleas for Z-Systems In the 24th century, the Dominion had begun to lose the grip it had on most of known space for centuries, and by 2519, they were being pushed back to their original borders. But, you, one of the elite soldiers on the Dominion battleship Fortuna, are the cutting edge of the Dominion efforts to push back the Mythridian freedom fighters (of course, freedom from you), and attempt to return the Dominion to its original state. This won't be a simple task. As you chase a fleeing Mithridian spacecraft through the known galaxy, it stops in orbit of a planet - covered with many Mithridian battleships, which severely damage the Fortuna before it escapes to slipspace. However, you, in an orbital landing pod, survive a catastrophic touchdown with luck; with your squadron, you struggle to find the rumored Prophecy in the center of the planet to use it against the Mithridians. Combat Elements The Dominion Elite Operations soldiers will use very resilient energy shield systems, with a life support helmet. (The shields are preinstalled in all Ops suits; the helmet activates the shields and life support together, a feature that cannot be overrun). Weapons will also take a turn to the future. While plasma bolt weapons are a staple of the Dominion's spaceborne arsenal, solid-state weaponry, like bullets, are the primary choice for ground combat. Weapons Pistol The Pistol is the standard-issue sidearm for all Dominion military personnel. It boasts a clip of twelve 8mm, semi-explosive, discarding-sabot rounds, delivering above average armor-piercing capability. It is exceptionally accurate at close and medium ranges; at long range, the gun is nearly as accurate as a sniper rifle. The Pistol has a semiauto and 3-round burst-fire setting, but take note that the accuracy is drastically reduced while using burst fire. Assault Rifle The Assault Rifle is the standard all-purpose armament of the Dominion military. It fires 7.62mm armor-piercing rounds (90 per clip), in both a burst fire (default) and automatic setting. Also, there is a holographic LED screen displaying an ammo counter for automatic fire, and a scope for burst fire. (The autofire is not accurate enough to allow use of the scope.) But what makes it one of the most powerful up-close weapons in the game is the rear bayonet attachment, which doubles as a stock and is nearly indestructible. Sniper Rifle The Sniper Rifle is the most accurate weapon currently in infantry use by the Dominion. It can fire both standard Pistol rounds and specialized armor-piercing Sniper rounds. It uses a scope with 5x, 10x, and 15x settings, and can fire 2 rounds per second, with unparalleled accuracy and controlled recoil. Gauss Cannon The Portable Magnetic Accelerator Cannon, or Gauss Cannon, is the futuristic replacement of the Rocket Launcher. It fires 4 inch polarized explosive projectiles (this weapon can NOT be kept near computer systems; it is rated for outdoor use only) at ultrasonic speeds, and 6 of these rounds are kept in convenient ammo canisters. The weapon has an infrared seeker and a limited 2x scope, and can blow through any infantry unit with ease. Energy Sword Dominion Energy Swords are the best known to exist in this galaxy. Made from relatively common, enriched Mythridian black ore (incredibly conductive and nearly indestructible), it is the most coveted assassination tool in the Dominion arsenal. Carbine The Dominion Carbine is a shortened single-shot rifle, firing mushrooming .308 bullets. It usually comes with a 5X scope and silencer, but there are many variations on the Carbine, and some may even come with grenade launcher attachments. Laser Guidance System The Laser Guidance System (nicknamed the "Zapper") is an advanced weaponry targeting device that can transmit to spaceborne weaponry several lightyears away from the target, and it is directly connected to the B1S2 Battle Suit. The only problem is that it can only be used twice before the batteries are depleted. One shot from a spaceborne weapon can easily annihilate any human being - or vehicle. Fragmentation Grenades This is a classic Human field explosive. It fires fragments of metal inside its large blast zone, and the flash may temporarily stun an enemy without the UV visor on your suit's helmet. Also called either a "pineapple", or even a "can o' whoop-ass". AID Grenades AID (Anti-Infantry Device) Grenades are essentially miniature napalms, that emit burning adhesive fluid that burns at temperatures up to 100,000 degrees Celsius. Very effective against vehicles. Tower Shield A Tower Shield is an energy-based handheld shield that can be dual-wielded with any weapon. Its energy decreases with each hit; when it fails, the shield is automatically dropped. The shield cannot deflect fall damage (when enabled). It is raised to a defensive position by pressing the respective mouse button. Vehicles ATV The Dominion ATV is the standard LRV (Light Reconnaisance Vehicle) of the Dominion. It is fast, but flips over easily. Best for quick escapes and conditions where maneverability is more essential than power. Panther The Panther is a wheeled troop transport, and can carry 4 passengers(3+1 gunner). It is faster than an ATV, but its armor is quite poor when being fired upon by Dominion weapons. Mission Structure Missions will surround these basic standpoints: -The protection of your Light Personnel Transport is vital; with no LPT, you are forced to traverse the land on foot, which can be painstaking if you have no medic available (who has a radio for requesting aerial pickup). -The successful exploration and infiltration of five Control Points (chasms) leading to the center of the planet, and the Prophecy. Squad Management You, being squad leader, have full control over the six or seven men in your squadron. There are five basic roles in the squad - rifleman/leader (you), demolitions specialist/medic, heavy artillery specialist, Marksman, and Close Quarters Specialist. There are two extra squad slots to be filled for various purposes. Multiplayer The main aspect of multiplayer is simple - to win against another human being in a game. The Multiplayer here will bring this to a new level. Battle This is the most basic gametype of all. You start with a weapon (or two) of your choice, get placed on any game map, and shoot to kill. Score limits can be manually configured. Team Battle Team Battle is the same as Battle, except that there are several colored teams to choose from. War This is the feature presentation of the multiplayer experience. You are on one of two teams, and you get a HPT (transport w/ turret/armor), a MAC gun/Energy Bolt Mortar, as many human teammates as possible - and a squad of bots to fill the gaps. Unlike other gametypes, squad management is ON - select a position within the specified time limit. (Leader is always taken by host and second player to join.) Headhunter It can't get simpler - this is Battle, except that you have to walk over a corpse and collect a head to score. This balances play between 'mice and men' (snipers especially). Team Headhunter Headhunter, with teams. Go figure. _______________________________________________________________________________ Unfortunately, I can't post the regularly formatted version - figure it out.

this is only my opinion, but you needn't include descriptions of weapons in your story intro. Other than that here is the slowpid breakdown;

Cons;

- First you say "They were being pushed back to their origional borders", then you say "...and attempt to return the dominion to its origional state." This is just a word choice thing though, not a big deal.

- "However, you, in an orbital landing pod, survive a catastrophic touchdown with luck; with your squadron, you struggle to find the rumored Prophecy in the center of the planet to use it against the Mithridians." Im not sure that this is a great plot device, in my opinion its too dry to keep people interested, there may be more to it but these things should be in your intro; Why is it there, what is the known nature of the object, what is its history, why dont the people living on the planet use it first? Instead, keep the item but add an element of conflict.

pros;

- the story objective, as written, is good fro a FPS, crossing a planet and looking for a mysterious object, but its a little oversimplistic for a few.

personally, this is how I would phrase the second part of the intro.

"On assignment to chase a fleeing Mithridian spacecraft through the known galaxy your ship is damaged by an awaiting ambush hidden within the atmosphere of mysterious and legendary planet. Before your ship has the chance to jump into slipspace you find yourself jetisoned in the ships escape pod, barely surviving the crash landing. Now, with the help of your remaining team you must cross the hostile and inhabited planet and carry out final orders recieved during you last ditch effort to contact the Dominion."

you can add a lot with this that helps make it a bit more grown up, possibly have the Dominion using you as a pawn, sending you into with no alternative but to locate the old object and use it against the Mythridian forces; unkowingly sacrificing yourself by using it or something. On discovering the betrayal finding a seperate way off the planet and confronting the conspiracy within the dominion ranks, finaly using the item in a last ditch effort to save youself, your team and the unknowing Dominion forces, just in time to put up a rescue effort: Mythridian final assult incomming.

Personally - it's an FPS. To me, story is...superfluous. I don't play shooter for a story, and I'd be willing to put money down on the odds that a large majority of people who play shooters aren't really interested in the story.

It's a soldier mentality. You can come up with the most elaborate backstory possible, but all the person playing the game wants to know is: "What is my goal, what resources do I have to start with, what can I collect along the way, and how many things do I get to kill and blow up in order to get there?"

Story becomes window dressing; it won't make or break the game, it's how the story elements are incorporated into the gameplay that makes the difference.

Now, if you're planning on making this a story-driven FPS - more of an action/rpg...then I'll criticize ;)

ehhh...who knows. This is the writting for games forum, so those FPS stories dont really apply here, in my opinion anyway.

Well...you're not a "pawn", but the finding of this Prophecy does have dangerous results. I might be foreshadowing way too much, but my plan is to have one of several places in the galaxy where the Prophecy can be activated and manipulated (you can read its data, but you cannot effectively use its holy power), called a Threshold. When some of your men reach the Threshold, they go to activate the Prophecy - when they are overwhelmed by some kind of additional, robotic (potentially) enemy, apparently confined in the Threshold. The enemy steals the ships the men used to board the Threshold, and by the next six months, begin to crush any human resistance - leaving you stranded outside the infinite siege and, while fleeing for your life back to Earth, planning your next vital move.

Also, you are NOT the "bad guy"; the meaning of it all is that there is no bad guy, but that there is some balance in this world, and your Dominion, which is not democracy-based (more like Romans in space), is pretty much in balance with the enemy's quasi-democracy. In short, while you are run by a dictator, something often deemed sinister, you are not "bad" at all.

well tell you what, my pet peeve in this forum is this; people post something they want criticized which is great for everyone, but the poster includes only certain facts. So we criticize and give our opinions and then the origional poster of the story comes back to say.."well yeah, thats in there and so is this and blah blah blah." What needs to happen is that you include !!!ALL!!! relevent facts about the story. You choose to include more weapons descriptions in your origional post then you did information about the story. Here is a fact, If the game goes gold and is even free, very few of us on this board will get it, very few; so dont feel bad about ruining the story by giving away too much information, I promise you, no one is going to take your story either.

So, if you want to; rewrite the entire post, make it a new thread. Include everything about your story from beggining to end, include character profiles and leave out weapons descriptions or anything indirectly related to the story. Post THAT and ask for criticism and we will give you opinions that can actually help you make you story good or better or even great, but we need all the information. Good luck on your game.