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The Clean Jokes Thread

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Started by kSquared February 27, 2005 09:32 AM

89 comments, last by Chokki 19 years, 1 month ago

the_dannobot

625

February 28, 2005 10:27 AM

Quote:Original post by Conner McCloud
A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are sitting in a bar.

A variation on a theme:

A Texas cowboy, a Canadian cowboy, and a Michigan cowboy are riding down the range.

The Texas cowboy pulls out a bottle of whiskey, takes one sip, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Canadian and Michigan cowboys look at him like he's crazy. He says "In Texas, we have so much whiskey that wasting it doesn't mean a thing."

The Canadian cowboy nods in acknowledgment, pulls out a bottle of beer, takes one sip, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Michigan cowboy looks at him like he's crazy. He says "In Canada, we have so much beer that wasting it doesn't mean a thing."

The Michigan cowboy nods in acknowledgment, pulls out a bottle of beer, drinks the whole thing, puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, and shoots the Canadian. The Texas cowboy looks at him like he's crazy. He says "In Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians and bottles are worth 10 cents."

SuperPillowFighter.com Dannobot Dev-blog

Thermodynamics

443

February 28, 2005 10:30 AM

Quote:Original post by the_dannobot
Quote:Original post by Conner McCloud
A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are sitting in a bar.

A variation on a theme:

A Texas cowboy, a Canadian cowboy, and a Michigan cowboy are riding down the range.

The Texas cowboy pulls out a bottle of whiskey, takes one sip, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Canadian and Michigan cowboys look at him like he's crazy. He says "In Texas, we have so much whiskey that wasting it doesn't mean a thing."

The Canadian cowboy nods in acknowledgment, pulls out a bottle of beer, takes one sip, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Michigan cowboy looks at him like he's crazy. He says "In Canada, we have so much beer that wasting it doesn't mean a thing."

The Michigan cowboy nods in acknowledgment, pulls out a bottle of beer, drinks the whole thing, puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, and shoots the Canadian. The Texas cowboy looks at him like he's crazy. He says "In Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians and bottles are worth 10 cents."

Too true!
I actually have no problems with Canadians, But don't be shooting up my bottle deposits.

[s]I am a signature virus. Please add me to your signature so that I may multiply.[/s]I am a signature anti-virus. Please use me to remove your signature virus.

MagicScript

290

February 28, 2005 10:35 AM

Quote:Original post by the_dannobot
Quote:Original post by Conner McCloud
A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are sitting in a bar.

A variation on a theme:

A Texas cowboy, a Canadian cowboy, and a Michigan cowboy are riding down the range.

The Texas cowboy pulls out a bottle of whiskey, takes one sip, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Canadian and Michigan cowboys look at him like he's crazy. He says "In Texas, we have so much whiskey that wasting it doesn't mean a thing."

The Canadian cowboy nods in acknowledgment, pulls out a bottle of beer, takes one sip, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Michigan cowboy looks at him like he's crazy. He says "In Canada, we have so much beer that wasting it doesn't mean a thing."

The Michigan cowboy nods in acknowledgment, pulls out a bottle of beer, drinks the whole thing, puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, and shoots the Canadian. The Texas cowboy looks at him like he's crazy. He says "In Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians and bottles are worth 10 cents."

Woah, there are cowboys in Canada?

smart_idiot

1,298

February 28, 2005 10:49 AM

No, there isn't. The Calgary Stampede was just an elaborate hoax.

Chess is played by three people. Two people play the game; the third provides moral support for the pawns. The object of the game is to kill your opponent by flinging captured pieces at his head. Since the only piece that can be killed is a pawn, the two armies agree to meet in a pawn-infested area (or even a pawn shop) and kill as many pawns as possible in the crossfire. If the game goes on for an hour, one player may legally attempt to gouge out the other player's eyes with his King.

Jehsup

298

February 28, 2005 11:06 AM

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

J

TANSTAAFL

1,160

February 28, 2005 11:21 AM

This one might be on the edge, or it might be over the edge on the clean/dirty scale:

Two men and a woman are stranded on a deserted island.

Two weeks later, the woman, disgusted with what the men are doing, kills herself.

Two weeks later, the men, disgusted with what they are doing, bury her.

Two weeks later, the men, disgusted with what they are doing, dig her back up.

Get off my lawn!

Drew_Benton

1,865

February 28, 2005 11:26 AM

Quote:Original post by TANSTAAFL
This one might be on the edge, or it might be over the edge on the clean/dirty scale:

Definitely over the edge, but its more of a what you don't know can't hurt you kind of thing [lol][razz]

vNistelrooy

140

February 28, 2005 11:43 AM

Two hunters hunt in woods. Suddenly one of them drops and lies completly still. The other hunter quickly uses his mobile phone to call an emergency service and shouts panickly,
"My friend is dead!"
"Don't worry. I can help. First lets make sure that he is really dead"
A shot is heard
"Yeah, what next?"

"C lets you shoot yourself in the foot rather easily. C++ allows you to reuse the bullet!"

Sandman

2,211

February 28, 2005 11:50 AM

Some of these are really old. Some of them get posted in every joke thread, but I still like them.

---

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if he was small, white and round, he'd be an aspirin.

---

How do you kill a green elephant?
Shoot it with a green elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?
Shoot it with a purple elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?
Hold its trunk until it turns purple, then shoot it with a purple elephant gun.

---

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "What, is this some kind of joke?"

---

Two strings walk into a bar. The first one says "I'd like a pint of lager pleaseGB*&GL%£HO%LIILOR&£F(HH£F(LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY".
The other string says: "Please excuse my friend, he's not null terminated".

$fractoid$

fractoid

703

February 28, 2005 12:03 PM

Sandman - the large grey hairy elephant is one of my all-time favorites.

Of course it connects with the Canonical List of Elephant Jokes. Not particularly at all clean, some of them, but I'm sure I can dredge up some replacements:

Q: How do you tell if there's been an elephant in the fridge?
A: There're footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you hide an elephant in the fridge?
A: Paint its feet yellow and submerse it upside-down in custard.
(not sure that one's quite right :P )

Q: How do you fit four elephants in a mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you fit a rhino in a mini?
A: Put one of the elephants in the glove box.

Thank you, thank you! <insert ba-dum-pshh here>

Oh, what's that? Encore? OK, OK, if you insist:

Two elephants fell off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM!

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