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STEVE JOBS' CONFERENCE MESSAGE LEAKED

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Steve Jobs' highly anticipated message for June 6, 2005 World White Developer conference has been leaked. Important details of the message have been identified and summerized as follows: HARDWARE ANNOUNCEMENTS ====================== - Apple Computer's Steve Jobs once again plans to delight audiences by announcing the Orange Light on its famed Powerbook/iBook computers will be replaced by a Flashing Green light! Steve jobs will proudly claim 36 months of Research and Development by Apple's White Engineers in an effort that included a close collaboration with the Heald College and ITT technical institutes' schools of Basket Weaving of which many of Apple's Engineers have dropped out from in order to work at Apple. - Steve will then debut the new Power Macintosh which is a blazing 7mHz faster and features a Sky-Blue power light, unlike its predecessor, the slower Power Macintosh with the Yellow Light. - Steve will then move on to new iPod announcements. Apple Computer's advanced Scientific Engineering Research labs, staffed by 20 of the world's most renowned high shool graduates, has recently discovered that the new Hitachi mini hard disk drives now have a 100 gigabyte capacity! In a related announcement, a 100 gigabyte iPod will be announced as well as a high capacity Grapefruit iPod Photo! Apple anticipates that competing companies such as iRiver, and Creative Labs will soon declare bankrupcy as a result of Apple's innovations. "We're gonna sell a million of these", he will say. - Steve will invite head Skinheads of Apple's Cute Plastic Box design group, Dan Riccio and Jonathon Ives, to show off their latest plastic box designs including one which will -- you guessed it - house the new iPod Glowie: A new iPod that is now available in 5 flavors! Flourecent Orange, Red Ripe Watermelon, and Juicy Cantelope! Jonathan declares the Cute Plastic Box Design Group as a certified Ni*ger and Spy-Free Environment. SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENTS ====================== - According to rehearsals, Steve will then roll up his sleaves and start digging into the new Dashboard features of Apple's Mac OS X TIGER! Steve will explain Dashboard's features to the audience including TIGER's biggest surprises -- A Stock Ticker dashboard and a Weather Update Dashboard! Steve will explain that "Yes, programs already exist on Windows XP that do this stuff", and "Sure you can easily get the latest weather by typing in your ZIP code on Weather.com and get the latest Stock Quotes by typing in your Ticker symbol at MSN.COm, but hey I think we did it better therefore we invented it first." - Steve follows up with Mac OS TIGER's demo to the audience by restarting a Mac 10 times and showing that Mac OS X now only crashes 1 in 5 times, and Mac OS X Tiger's applications now crash only 1 in 3 times while you still get the "The Application *** has crashed, but your OS is running perfectly fine." message, there by demonstrating the highly "reliable" software being developed at Apple's super secret engineering and scientific laboratories. The slow 5 minute startup time of Mac OS X will be blamed on the PowerPC. Steve will then surprise the audience by announcing the usage of INTEL CPU's in Macs which will magically fix all the bottlenecks in its poorly written and buggy software eventually. -Mac OS X TIGER-related announcements will be wrapped up by Scott "Foreskin" Forstall and Peter Graffagnino who will once again go through "Cocoa" Application kit features which were acquired 8 years ago from Apple's purchase of NeXT Computer, and remind everyone how insanely great these features are, again. - Final Cut Pro will be put head to head against Microsoft's Windows Movie Maker. Steve will explain that Final Cut's slow performance and $1000 price tag against Windows Movie Maker's $0 Free, standard distribution and fast speed are simply the "price you pay for the Apple Advantage". - Steve concedes to the audience the truth on Apple's "Innovative Slow Down" in the last few years and explain it as the result of the end of a complex agreement with Microsoft, signed in 1997 which expired 5 years later in 2002 where Apple agreed to stop filing bogus lawsuits against Microsoft in exchange of access to all of Microsoft's patent filings during that 5 year period. (Microsoft also had access to all of Apple's patents during the same period.) Steve will then dismiss allegations of Apple's lack of progress in its product lines in the last 10 years being due to termination of non-white, ethnic and other qualified staff in favor of dropouts. - Steve Jobs concludes the announcements with the launch of www.AppleCharity.com, a site where Apple's numerous enthusiasts can submit their credit card numbers and select from several Donation Plans which allow fans to pay directly for the sole cause of keeping Apple in business. The plan works as follows: - Tangerine Donation Plan $50 per month - Orange Donation Plan $999, of which $400 will be used to buy Apple Stock - Gold Donation $5000, which will be evenly distributed to Steve Jobs's Stock analyst and Investment Analyst friends. - Later Steve Jobs gaurantees that no (White) Developers shall be layed off from Apple computer in the next two (2) years, in a separate staff meeting on the same day!

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