This is a big wallop of text which I've tryed to make a readable as possible. This is the back story to my game. Please tell me what you think, how this could be improved, any questions on the story,etc. This is almost written like a book, only faster and less detailed,so author's out there may be able to give constructive advice. In this game my aim is to create a story, and a world, like many a storyteller will do. This is probably where this game is most unique, it’s characters, it’s world, it’s plot. If anything, this section is informing you about the story of the game, as that is what should make it fun. Please do remember this is all very conceptual, these are some of my first ideas, which I don’t have enough to put all together yet and build upon. Story The back story is this. The world used to be a very large place, countless cities spread across it’s lands, lands of snowy plains, grassy fields, fiery deserts etc, and in this land dwelled many a race, culture and creature. For ages, these peoples, lived unknowingly of each others existence, but technology advanced, and soon people could sail the seas. Leading to an age of exploration, the people of this world discovered much knowledge, including the knowledge of each other, and of their lands. Race interaction began quite well among the more advanced races, but as more was learned about one another, jealousy grew. The peoples of the grassy plains envied those of the snowy plains, for the minerals and building resources lying deep under the ice. The people of the icy plains envied the people of the deserts for the amount of magical resources available to them. The people of the desert envied the people of the fields, for their fertile farming lands. All races realised that there lives would be easier if they had the others lands. War broke out, the races armed themselves against each other, there were no allies in this war, only enemies, and after an age of war, nothing seemed to get anywhere. In the age of war technology advanced faster than ever before. Flying machines were built and wars were taken to a whole new level. After almost a decade of fighting, something happened none had expected. A barrier of a super natural wind crept from the west. The countries of the west were frightened, as they saw a whole enemy city swept by this wind destroying all in it’s path. The peoples evacuated their cites, and made for their boats and air transportation, and evacuated east, beyond their enemies in the east, and further on. Days later, the people of the east also moved, noticing this wind continued to progress into their lands. The whole world’s known inhabitants moved east or died. They continued there evacuation, until eventually, they met another gust of wind. This wind barrier did not move however, it stayed perfectly still. Confused the people began to panic, thinking they were trapped they landed on a nearby landmass. In less than a week all the races had joined together on the landmass, and lived without conflict. They settled for a week, and sent scouts to see how near the wind barrier was. They found out the other wind barrier had stopped too. And that they were stuck in an area of different island’s and continents by an oval shaped barrier of wind. The people’s came to the conclusion that they had been cursed. They had been punished for fighting for land and greed, and for that they had paid, with their homes and most of their belongings. The races and peoples vowed that a new age would begin, they would explore and find their own lands and live in harmony. They agreed that the landmass they settled on would be an area for all, and named it ‘The Peacemaker’s Land’, and they named the wind barrier ‘ The people’s curse’. They races went their separate ways, with a few staying behind to make the peacemaker’s land a place for all their races. It was here, the legendary, ‘Fort Falcon Beak’ was built. The people rebuilt swiftly, the new lands were a place of prospure, yet were not fully explored. Years on, the discovery of another race was made, one that was not in the wars before the new age, ‘Dovoricans’, who infested the land of Dovorica. This race had no tolerance for any other races. There civilisation was different to the other races, and they would not join the other races in their new found state of peace. They attacked the other races, for what seemed no purpose other than hatred. Lead by an incredibly powerful Dovorican named Hoodran, the Dovican’s have plagued the lives of the new races, and war has found itself in the hearts of these people, once again. Well that is the back story, the player continues the tale, almost 200 years since the very last bit of that back-story. He continues in an age where Dovoricans are a major power, and lands further to the south, lie unexplored.

In my opinion your intro is too distracting. It seemed that you had a strong and focused design when I read to paragraph 2, but that power got dispersed by the rest of the intro. After paragraph 2, it seemed like a informative description of meaningless events preceeding the current situation. The focus was lost. Or maybe there was never any. There were many details you shouldn't be mentioning because they don't have any value in setting the focus. If you squeeze out those irrelevant details, it may be easier to see the focus, or the lack of it.

The use of quoted names is actually a sign of presentational weakness. If your description is focused enough, you would have highlighted the people's sins vivid enough such that their self-destruction is seen as a metaphorical curse, without you naming it. Similarly, you could have described their demise as a justifiable outcome, yet chance of redemption granted by a supernatural power, without naming it the peacemaker. The essence of hope could be depicted by showing the shadow and a candle on the verge of burning out, without expliciting summoning the falcon. You need to be more focused so that the player will undoubtly root for the dying candle.

Your ending paragraph was particularly weak because you didn't leave a hint on what the people may learn further since they had learned to be peaceful. If you wanted to say something like it is people's nature to live in conflicts, you need to do more work. You didn't hint enough to the player that maybe there is something good about the Dovoricans, or maybe the people were just having a selfish peace building on the suffering of the Dovoricans. A thesis isn't a twist, it is better to make it clear.

Well, I agree with what he said mostly. The beginning seemed either too detailed, or not detailed enough. You need to make it relate more closely to the story itself. What I mean is that having those people at war, in my opinion, isn't enough to warrant this supernatural wind. Instead of just saying they were at war, make it more vulgar than that. Instead of a war for land, make it a selfish war of racism. Make us hate who they used to be. A war for land is too understandable. Have some legendary act of disgusting violence be the point of when the wind took over. Warring for land is practically natural.

Also, the Devorkians or whoever they were are a hole in the plot. I say this because you mentioned that the people had discovered all the races at the beginning of the story, then later on you said they all moved to this land mass and started exploring. I think the chances are fairly high that they would have discovered these Divorkians, considering they have a large enough population to pummel the peace people into the ground.

Lastly, you mention this Falcon Fort or something. I have two problems with this:
1) It seems irrelevant. Who cares about a fort? Maybe you should talking about the first town they founded instead, and mention why it is significant. Have some large event take place there that makes the people hold it to their hearts dearly.
2) A fort? For a group of people that are trying to have their first go at peace, I think they could be doing better things than building military outposts. Again- Think town.

Anyway- That's pretty much it. Like the other guy said, try to stay away from cliche's like "Peacemakers" etc. Maybe have it so they call themselves 'the people'. Maybe each race used to have a specific name, and all of them thought it a superior word to 'people', until they realized that they are all of the same quality, none superior to the next.

Note- Just thought of this, have the leaders of those rascist wars killed in grotesque ways (as told by legend in the new land) by the wind of the gods.

Double post.

One thing though, what I'm trying to do, is get people to think it was the war that brought on the supernatural wind. However it wasn't but I won't go into detail, it's a plot twist later on in the story.

Fighting over land is weak, but it had some of the other ideas and was desperate to share them as soon as possible. I now know I need to change that.

About the Fort Falcon Beak, it's explained very quickly in game, so it's not too meaninless. And you say why they build a Fort? Because they were under Dovorican threat, although that needs a slight tinkering to make it explained better.

Peace maker's land, will be changed. I totally agree, cliche.

I never said they discoverred all races. I said they started to explore. In the new lands they began explore again, and found the dovoricans. At the time they only lived on Dovorica.

If you're going to defend your story so adamantly, it's not really worth giving you advice, but I am going to defend the advice I gave you.
You placed the building of the fort BEFORE the encountering of the Divorkians.

Also- Still have that wind happen because of the war, but make it WORSE. Make it so they did something REALLY awful. I'm talking about savage gory disgusting details of the nitty gritty.
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When the war was at it's peak, the morale was at it's lowest. The fighting had suddenly changed from noble and reasonable to completely desperate. Instinct for survival and animal like attributes were taking over. Battle fields held thousands of soldiers who were undernourished and starving. It started with only eating the bodies of the dead, but soon, they were killing eachother, whether it was friend or enemy, just to eat. P
Soldiers were decorating their uniform with bones and teeth. Suddenly these advanced societies had turned to animal savages, and it was when this was at it's worst that the great winds came.

See? This makes me feel like- Holy crap, that's disgusting. Thank the gods for that wind!

Before it was like- Oh. A war. An all destroying wind seems to a little harsh...

Also- If they were exploring the land, I think you should make it so that THEY found the Divorkians, not the other way around. Anyway, I'm sure you have a motivation and everything all thought out already, but I'll let you to yourself.

Sorry, my style of typing on forums can be abit defensive.

I know what you mean. Fighting over land, is not only a kind of almost normal thing to us, but it's also kind of dull.

I need to re write bits so that, the Fort bit is more explained. You see the fort, which Fort Falcon beak is it's name til I think a new one, was built after the Dovoricans were discovered.

So what I should say is something like. It was on this land that the Legendary Fort Falcon Beak would be built.
I also need to have different raesons for war too.
I also need to make it better explained how they only explored nearby areas, so that people don't think things like, 'Well why couldn't they find the dovoricans?', and the other races which are added after they evacuate.

Anyway I'm glad you think that the wind is some sort of punishment that the gods brought, as I'm trying to lure the players into believeing that, so my plot twist is oh so much more dramatic.