In a world ruled by war, you are the only hope for survival! As part of the rebel forces against the Warlords of Earth, an empire of origin from Earth, you are to shut down their portal to a new solar system codename the Shadows of the Past. During the shut down of this portal, you are sucked into it! You are transported to a new planet part of a newly formed Empire. You find that this planet revolves around war and tactical thinking. Your job is to fit in with the locals to get a rebellion of Warbots to help attack Earth and save 7 solar systems from ultimate enslavement. In this RPG, you will be judged on your skills and friends. If you mess up against the Zeldorian Empire (the people on the planet), it is death to you. During the adventure, you will meet new people to talk to and get skills to compete and for events to happen. When your friends re-open the portal, it is war between Earth and Zeldora. Now it is up to you to stop total war and bring peace to both empires, or all will be lost. What do you think? I need some feedback on what to change in the storyline so I can continue with some level design and programming.

I don't think you need to change anything for your game. It is hard to tell how much you are expecting from your story.

What you have presented has not much strength to attract the player. It is unemotional, doesn't seem to have any deeper meaning or mystery, and doesn't highlight any special thematical features to set your game apart. However, it is sufficient to provide an explanation and a roadmap for the player.


Survival, while vital, is one of the worst vehicle to engage the player. It is a reactive motivation, it creates no consideration or dilemma in the player. You are dumbed in a jungle so you must fight your way out. The evil lord is coming you must defend your village. These storylines in and of themselves are the worst storylines. Most strategy game stories are not about survival, but a colorful intersection of ambition, manipulation, sacrifice, and courage. You need to show some depth in your intro, to bring a topic that the player wants to discover:

Semantics - Let the player see that there is a message to be discoverd in the game
Emotional - Let the player see that the war is told through an interesting perspective
Thematics - Let the player know that there is some really cool units or games rules that just can't be missed.

Alright, I have changed the story around. Here it is:

In 3021, the Warlords of Earth empire have killed all you have loved. They have enslaved whole systems, and they have advanced technology far beyond what they should have. They have now completed a synthetic portal to another galaxy to start taking it over, only to find another empire. Your rebellious forces are to enter the portal and to see what Earth is doing. During the execution of this plan, the Warlords murder your crew. You land on the planet Zeldora, and start to make your life there. You are able to contact locals, fix problems, and travel the city. You later find out that a group of the Warlords are joining the Zeldorians to create a multi-galactical empire. Putting aside the mystery, you decide to travel to the capital city to figure out what Warlords are creating the new empire. Stuck between sides, the pressure is on: Help the Walords, Help the Zeldorians, or solve the mystery and destroy the galactical empires. It is your choice to pick what path to take. As the mystery comes to a climactical point with hints of murder, betrayal, and your loved ones surviving, you will find lovers, friends, and foes all after you for the same reason: answers. You must choose between your love, your life, or what is right.

The focus of your description is unclear. It doesn't take many topics to anchor an intriguing story. Making a story is like creating a recipe, it is not about what ingredient you have, but how you put them together. Your have got a group of ideas, but if you just put them together without a focus, it will be an unappealing stew instead of a well-presented dish.

Taking the ideas from your post, we can concentrate on a main topic, to which the side topics declorate. For example, it seems that a choice between two sides is the focus of the story. Then the story can concentrate on the meaning of the choice and how resistance is manifested in other aspects around the main character.

You need to show the difference in meaning between choosing Earth or the Zeldorian, and why the main character holds an undeniably interesting position between the choices. You didn't provide any information about the differences between Earth and Zeldorian, I am out of materials to comment.

A year ago I posted an outline of a futuristic story. At that time I couldn't verbalize the theme of the story. I knew that it existed, but to other people would read the story like an entertaining but meaningless series of events. This is what I felt when I read your description. If the author is aware of the meaning of the story, its scent will be significant even for a short description.

Stories aren't completely meaningless even if the author is unaware of its message. But composition favors stories that maximize its impact. There are potentials in your story that can be focused. For example, you mentioned that Earth possesses advanced technology that it should not have (because they enslaved other civilizations). This concept brings worthwhile topics to anchor a story. A couple examples:

- What is it that allows a lower-tech civilization to enslave a higher-tech civ.? How does advanced technology make a civ vulnerable?
- What decides who deserves a technology? The one who invented it, or the one that can use it?

These aren't tricky questions, but they can engage the player semantically by creating a desire in the player to learn the gamestory's point of views, and how the debate is manifested by the storyline.