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Ultimate blade storey

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This isnt relly a storey from a game but this is where it mostly fits in i think,I havnt relly wrote a storey thats not homework out of school properly,but i got into it and had a go and had my first shot at it.So here is the storey i wrote .I know, it's rubbich so if you can give me any tips i would apreciate it.it isnt finched yet. Ultimate blade saga1:The Making sector1 Ultimate blade 5 decades in to the past, lived the clan of the Aseed deep in the mountains of the himualer. The Aseed were masters in swordsman ship and there techniques were admired allover the region. Engraved in the antediluvian shandohu stones was the storey of the Blade Of Death.It read “100 years back when Aseed was just founded, a tall gallant, muscular man called Metaro who would work on swords all day. Deep into the night when the natives were slumbering from life,Metaro designed his plans of his new ultimate blade, This blade would be designed to perfection,he would put he’s on sweat and blood into it every bit of it would be aero-dynamically carved so the sway of the blade with be swift and speedy. The blade would be super-sharp enough to slice paper with a diminutive touch. Metaro would labor in the morning till night, then he would study the secret code of the Machinoate’s secret dominance lexis which would be put on the blade.5 months subsequent to the start he added the supplementary, decorations and the surreptitious Machinoate’s dominance lexis,1 wrong blunder and the planet and the planet would suffer a 1000years of eternal suffering. It was an edgy time for him, the monk and chief would exterminate him if he was exposed. He took one last bang with his hammer and chisel into the blade, it was complete. It was perfect in everyway not one fault. The Blade was a great success for him, like a trophy. He would keep it out of sight behind a magical force field which would generate a dimension covering it, causing it to materialize as a wall.Metaro spent long hours of slumber during the next few weeks, he had to make up for the hours he mist.5 years had gone by, there was some diplomatic issues occurring .The Aseed tribe was officially know in a battle with the kasmanga’s. Huts were burnt crops were savataged killings upon butchery. Both tribes weren’t willing to come to a agreement even though there people had to live off dead human carcasses. Metro had built a small underground house were him and some of his friends stayed,he still kept his blade a secret. He had no choise but to take his blade and fight in combat,it would be the only way,he’s studies showed that the power of Machinoate’s dominance lexis could be treacherous and uncontrollable to a non elite warrior.Metaro equipped the blade and headed for the battlefield,heads,blood,necks were flying allover the place,he slashed and bashed and slaughtered the kasmangas,he had killed over 250fighters,He no longer controlled the blade,the blade controlled him!. What seemed to be a blue light surround him and lifted him into the air,his eyes went from brown to crimson. His hair was shaking and changing coluler to white. He Soared all over the place at blazing velocity killing everyone, including his comrades and family, the curse of the Machinoate’s dominance lexis was over welming.Nothing could help… him but… To be continued>>>

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It's a writing forum, so I think I'm allowed to say this:
Watch your spelling and grammer!

I'll leave it to you to fix the story (it's actually much better), but I'll fix the rest as an example. I don't like spelling myself, but as a programmer I've learned that standards are important.

Ultimate blade story

This isn't really a story from a game but this is where it fits best I think, I havn't really written a story that's not homework out of school properly, but I got into it and had my first shot at it. So here is the story I wrote. I know it's rubbish, so if you can give me any tips I would appreciate it. It isn't finished yet.

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Quote:
Original post by dojo
This isnt relly a storey from a game but this is where it mostly fits in i think,I havnt relly wrote a storey thats not homework out of school properly,but i got into it and had a go and had my first shot at it.So here is the storey i wrote .I know, it's rubbich so if you can give me any tips i would apreciate it.it isnt finched yet.

Ultimate Blade - Saga1: The Making
???sector1???

Ultimate Blade
5 decades into the past, lived the clan of the Aseed deep in the mountains of the Himualer. The Aseed were masters in swordsmanship and their techniques were admired all over the region. Engraved in the Antediluvian Shandohu Stones was the story of the Blade Of Death.

It read "100 years back when the Aseed was just founded, a tall gallant, muscular man called Metaro who would work on swords all day. Deep into the night when the natives were slumbering, Metaro designed his plans of his new ultimate blade. This blade would be designed to perfection, he would put his sweat and blood into it. Every bit of the blade would be aero-dynamically carved so the sway of the blade with be swift and agile. The blade would be super-sharp, enough to slice paper with a diminutive touch. Metaro would labor in the morning till night, then he would study the secret code of the Machinoate’s secret Dominance Lexis which would be put on the blade.

5 months subsequent to the start he added the supplementary, decorations and the surreptitious Machinoate’s Dominance Lexis, one wrong blunder and the planet and the planet would suffer a 1000 years of eternal suffering. It was an edgy time for him, the monk and chief would exterminate him if he was exposed. He took one last bang with his hammer and chisel into the blade; it was complete. It was perfect in every way not one fault. The Blade was a great success for him, like a trophy. He would keep it out of sight behind a magical force field which would generate a dimension covering it, causing it to materialize as a wall. Metaro spent long hours of slumber during the next few weeks, he had to make up for the hours he missed.

5 years had gone by, there was some diplomatic issues occurring. The Aseed tribe was officially now in a battle with the Kasmangas. Huts were burnt, crops were savaged, and there were killings upon butchery. Both tribes weren’t willing to come to an agreement even though there people had to live off dead human carcasses. Metaro had built a small underground house were him and some of his friends stayed, he still kept his blade a secret. He had no choice but to take his blade and fight in combat. It would be the only way. His studies showed that the power of Machinoate’s Dominance Lexis could be treacherous and uncontrollable to a non elite warrior. Metaro equipped the blade and headed for the battlefield. Heads, blood, necks were flying all over the place. He slashed, bashed, and slaughtered the Kasmangas. He had killed over 250 fighters. He no longer controlled the blade; the blade controlled him! What seemed to be a blue light surround him and lifted him into the air,his eyes went from brown to crimson. His hair was shaking and changing colour to white. He soared all over the place at blazing velocity killing everyone, including his comrades and family."

The curse of the Machinoate’s Dominance Lexis was overwhelming. Nothing could help him but...
To be continued>>>


Here's the grammar-fixed version. Hope you don't mind, dojo.

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Never put everything in a single paragraph or it becomes too difficult for people to read.

I think it would be a good idea to avoid dates and exact time measurements (5 days, 5 months, 5 decades) unless it were substantially significant. Such things are pointless unless they are in context for the reader (for example if 5 months ago coincided with the birth of the prince of some relevant kingdom).

" Heads, blood, necks were flying all over the place. "
This venture into a description of bloody violence needs a great deal of work, and the story is better without it altogether for now. Necks don't fly all over the place... typically. Limbs maybe...

Finally, there is no reason in your story to care about anyone or anything. All we have is a short-lived fighting scene where everyone dies. I would try adressing why the reader should care about Aseed, Machinoate, Kasmanga, Metaro, etc. Give the reader - perhaps in the first paragraph - a personal introduction to the main character and some reason to relate to him/her.

Good luck with your ambitions!

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Are you intending for this to be the basis of a game, a book, or just some thoughts on paper. Knowing that might help us tackle the story from a different (And more appropriate angle).

Also, the grammar mistakes that are left (Even after alpha's help) are more than simple problems. In some cases, the sentences are next to unreadable and needlessly force the reader to figure out what you mean. My point is that while the spelling errors are annoying, the structuring problems are much more of a problem.

The story itself certainly has potential. The trick is getting it to the next step. Deepen your characters, add detail, and decide what the purpose of the story is.

...also, that's a long story to be engraved on the stone. Does the engraving end somewhere, or are there just a plethora of stones sitting around?

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Thankyou To all of you,especialy to the member who fixed my spelling.Ill try to plan it because all i did was just write away.When i make a better vertsion ill post it. :)
Merry chritmas
Dojo

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